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Friday, December 14, 2007
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: skateparkoftampa.com
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: world-std.com
GOLF QUOTES
"Tiger is like John Daly but with total control. If that's not a scary prospect for the rest of us, I don't know what is." Paul Goydos
"There was a time, when Woods first turned professional, when people wondered if he had the game to win an Open, whether he had enough accuracy off the tee, or enough control with his short irons, or enough patience. Those questions have been silenced. Woods can win on any golf course that has tee boxes, fairways and greens." Clifton Brown
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: boxing-memorabilia.com
BOXING QUOTES
Quotes by Muhammad Ali
"Sonny Liston is nothing. The man can't talk. The man can't fight. The man needs talking lessons. The man needs boxing lessons. And since he's gonna fight me, he needs falling lessons"
Prior to his fight with Liston in February 1964.
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"I'm not the greatest. I'm the double greatest. Not only do I knock 'em out, I pick the round. I'm the boldest, the prettiest, the most superior, most scientific, most skilfullest fighter in the ring today"
Ali speaking after his first fight against Britain's Henry Cooper in 1963
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"I said I was the greatest, not the smartest"
Muhammad Ali on failing the US army aptitude test in 1964.
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: basketball-plays-and-tips.com
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: coachnick0.tripod.com
"I broke in with four hits and the writers promptly
declared they had seen the new Ty Cobb. It took me only a
few days to correct that impression."
"I made up my mind, but I made it up both ways."
"Being with a woman never hurt no professional baseball player.
It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in."
"Good pitching will always stop good hitting, and vice versa."
"The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from
the guys who are undecided."
On players who did not drink:
"It only helps them if they can play."
On being asked how the Mets were doing:
"Well, we've got this Johnny Lewis in the outfield.
They hit a ball to him yesterday, and he turned left, then he
turned right, then he went straight back and caught the ball.
He made three good plays in one.
And Greg Goossen, he's only twenty
and with a good chance in ten years of being thirty."
To his excuse-prone Mets:
"You make your own luck. Some people have bad
luck all their lives."
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: lifeisajoke.com
FOOTBALL HUMOR
NFL Team Lame Names When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL. AFC West: Denver Broncos - Denver Donkeys Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City Griefs Los Angeles Raiders - Los Angeles Faders San Diego Chargers - San Diego Rechargers Seattle Seahawks - Seattle Weehawks AFC Central: Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati Plaingels Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Clowns Houston Oilers - Houston Spoilers Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh Reelers AFC East: Buffalo Bills - Buffalo Nils Buffalo Spills Indianapolis Colts - Indianapolis Dolts Miami Dolphins - Miami Stallfins Miami Soft Ones New England Patriots - New England Patsys New York Jets - New York Pets New York Not Yets NFC West: Atlanta Falcons - Atlanta Fellcons New Orleans Saints - New Orleans Aint's Los Angeles Rams - Los Angeles Lambs San Francisco 49ers - San Francisco Whiners NFC Central: Chicago Bears - Chicago Fairs Detroit Lions - Detroit Cryin's Detroit Kittens Green Bay Packers - Green Bay Fudgepackers Green Bay Slackers Green Bay Whackers Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota Tykes Minnesota ViQueens Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa Bay Yuccaneers NFC East: Arizona Cardinals - Arizona Tardynals Dallas Cowboys - Dallas Cowgirls Dallas Cowpie New York Giants - New York Midgets Philadelphia Eagles - Philadelphia Beagles Washington Redskins - Washington Deadskins Expansion Teams: Carolina Panthers - Carolina Can't-thers Jacksonville Jaguars - Jacksonville Saguars
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: lifeisajoke.com
SPORTS QUOTES
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. (Emo Philips)
Modern rugby players like to get their retaliation in first. (Kim Fletcher)
Last time we got a penalty away from home, Christ was still a carpenter. (Lennie Lawrence
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Wednesday, December 12, 2007
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: bspcn.com
Major League Baseball's winter meetings just ended. As general managers return to their homes, the annual flurry of free agent signings and contract extensions is in full swing. These deals aren't just about the money, though; they're also about bonus clauses and sweet, sweet perks. Here's a list of some of the more ludicrous ones players have received.
1. Charlie Kerfeld, Houston Astros
After a spectacular rookie season in 1986, the rotund reliever who always pitched in his lucky Jetsons t-shirt needed a new contract. Kerfeld asked for $110,037.37, matching his number 37 jersey, to pitch in 1987. On top of that, he received 37 boxes of orange Jell-O in the deal. The Astros would soon regret this delicious bonus, though; Kerfeld, who was famously caught eating ribs in the dugout that season, would battle weight and injury problems and get sent down to the minors.
2. Rollie Fingers, Oakland Athletics
Former A's owner Charlie Finley never thought of a gimmick he wouldn't try, including a mechanical rabbit that delivered fresh balls to the umpire and hiring a 13-year-old MC Hammer as his "Executive V.P." In 1972, Finley offered his players cash for growing a mustache by Father's Day, thereby giving birth to reliever Fingers' trademark handlebar 'stache. The A's went on to win the World Series that season, and Fingers' contract for 1973 contained a $300 bonus for growing the mustache as well as $100 for the purchase of mustache wax.
3. Roy Oswalt, Houston Astros
Before Oswalt made a start in the 2005 National League Championship Series, Astros owner Drayton McLane promised to make the ace's dreams come true if he won, specifically his life goal of bulldozer ownership. After Oswalt dominated the Cardinals to send Houston to its first-ever World Series, McLane came through with a Caterpillar D6N XL. Since Major League Baseball requires high-dollar gifts be disclosed, Oswalt signed an addendum to his contract, a "bulldozer clause," authorizing the club to give him his new toy.
4. Troy Glaus, Arizona Diamondbacks
Arizona inked the slugging third baseman signed for four years and $45 million in December 2004. As part of the deal, Glaus receives $250,000 annually for "personal business expenses," namely the cost of his wife Ann's equestrian training and equipment. Although Glaus bashed 37 homers for the Snakes in 2005, he also tied for the major-league lead in errors by a third baseman with 24, and despite Mrs. Glaus' surely improving performance in the steeplechase, Glaus had to hoof it to Toronto when he was traded barely a year after signing.
5. Randy Johnson, Arizona Diamondbacks
When the Big Unit signed with the Arizona Diamondbacks in 1998, team owner Jerry Colangelo also threw in a pair of partial season tickets for the Phoenix Suns to lure in the lanky lefty. Seems like Johnson could have afforded his own tickets, but to be fair, when you're making $52 million over four years, it's hard to get scalpers to fall for "Can you take twenty for the pair? I swear it's all I've got, dude."
6. Carlos Beltran, New York Mets
Beltran's mammoth seven-year, $119 million deal from January 2005 showed that he had all of baseball's five tools but lacked a conditioned ocular enhancer, a gadget that throws numbered, colored tennis balls over 150 mph to help players pick up the speed of a pitched ball. So he got a contract clause requiring the Mets lease the machine and retain an operator for it. However, Beltran only hit .266 in his first year with the club, so maybe a used copy of Tony Gwynn's tome The Art of Hitting would have been more cost-effective.
7. Brad Lidge, Houston Astros
When the Houston Astros (sound familiar?) re-signed Brad Lidge in January 2007, their former closer got an incentive clause promising $25,000 for winning a Silver Slugger, given annually to the top hitter at each position. Lidge probably didn't consider this easy money; as a relief pitcher, he had only been to the plate seven times in his five-season career and hadn't seen an at-bat since 2004. Despite an erratic season on the mound, Lidge was the model of consistency at the plate in 2007, mostly because he never had an at-bat. Houston finished 13th in the National League in runs scored, though, so maybe letting Lidge take some hacks would have been worth a try.
8. A.J. Burnett, Toronto Blue Jays
Lots of players have free-plane-ticket perks written into their contracts, but some feel that air travel really lacks that fun we're-going-to-the-prom feeling that you can only get from a long limo ride. When flamethrower A.J. Burnett signed with Toronto as a free agent in December 2005, he required that his wife receive eight round-trip limo rides from his home in Maryland to Toronto each season. That's around nine hours in a limo each way, which is enough time to move the little divider between you and the driver up and down roughly 3,500 times.
Some other interesting perks and bonuses:
9. Daisuke Matsuzaka, Boston Red Sox – Dice-K's deal with the Red Sox includes a plethora of strange or excessive clauses including housing allowances and a personal masseuse, but the oddest is that he's contractually guaranteed the jersey number 18.
10. Kevin Brown, Los Angeles Dodgers – The seven-year, $105 million deal Brown signed after the 1998 season guaranteed twelve round trip private jet trips from L.A. to his hometown in Macon, Georgia for his family, sparing his children from cruel flight attendants' taunts about their dad being overpaid.
11. Dave Roberts, San Francisco Giants – The deal Roberts signed last December gives him the right to buy four premium season tickets each year. He's probably going to keep passing until management puts a decent team on the field, though.
12. Ichiro Suzuki, Seattle Mariners – Ichiro's five-year contract extension from July 2007 contains some reasonable perks (interpreter, plane tickets to Japan), but also stipulates the club give him a Jeep or Mercedes SUV, filling the Japanese auto industry with a deep collective sense of shame.
13. Mark Teixeira, Atlanta Braves - Teixeira's deal for 2006-2007 (originally negotiated when he was with Texas) had a clause paying him $100K for winning the AL MVP, a tough feat since he finished the contract while playing in the National League.
14. Curt Schilling, Boston Red Sox – The three-time World Series champ's new deal with the Red Sox for the 2008 season not only rewards Schilling for maintaining his weight, but also gives him $1M for appearing on any voter's three-man Cy Young ballot.
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