SPORTS QUOTES
"When you're rich, you don't write checks. Straight cash, homey."
-- Randy Moss
"Wow, he's been on our side all night!"
-- Bulls announcer Johnny Kerr, commenting on a Mark Blount airball during Blount's historic triple-zero (0 points, 0 blocks and 0 rebounds in 22 minutes)
"They shot the crap out of the ball, everybody on the floor. You think you have them, they swing it and swing it and then swoosh. They have good rebounders to gather the misses. Sometimes you're like, 'Man they must have a cheat code or something.'"
-- Bobcats rookie Emeka Okafor on the Sonics
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BASKETBALL QUOTES
"By the time we got [to Detroit, it was almost 2 in the morning, because ain't nothing open but hospitals, jails and legs."
-- Jalen Rose
"I'm telling you, Darko is a Serbian gangster. Darko's got some bodies back there [in Serbia-Montenegro]. He can go psycho on guys."
-- Rasheed Wallace on teammate Darko Milicic
"I cherished getting kicked out of school. It was a great thing. I became a millionaire."
-- Heat G Jason Williams on what he cherishes about his days at the University of Florida
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"I must have made him mad ... I stole his cheeseburger or something. I was surprised. I kind of laughed. I enjoy when people hate me. That makes me happy, so he's made my whole week."
-- Bears C Olin Kreutz responding to Vikings DT Pat Williams calling Kruetz "nothing but a joke"
"Honestly, this is probably going to strike a nerve with a lot of people. But my most memorable Christmas memory was having all of my uncles and aunties out of prison for one Christmas, and that includes me. We had a lot of run-ins with the law, and to have us all out at one time was great."
-- Wizards forward Caron Butler
"Ray Lewis is the type of guy, if he were in a fight with a bear I wouldn't help him, I'd pour honey on him because he likes to fight. That's the type of guy Ray Lewis is."
-- Shannon Sharpe
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GOLF HUMOR
50 Reasons why Golf is Better than Baseball
1. Golfers don't spit and scratch their privates on national television.
2. Golfers don't kick dirt on other people.
3. Golf is an honorable game played by an overwhelming majority of honorable people who don't need referees.
4. Golfers don't have big muscles and therefore are able to walk past a mirror without looking into it.
5. Golfers are compensated in direct proportion to how well they play.
6. The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the National Football League does in two.
7. Albert Belle doesn't play pro golf.
8. Pro golfers can answer a question without having to wait till they see the videotape.
9. When pro golfers hit a foul ball, they don't get another chance. They either are penalized or they have to go find it and hit it again.
10. Pro golfers throw things to fans, not at them.
11. People don't ruin their lives betting on the outcome of golf tournaments.
12. Baseball, basketball and football players play golf when they retire. Pro golfers don't play baseball, basketball and football when they retire.
13. You can play golf by yourself.
14. George Steinbrenner doesn't have a team on the PGA Tour.
15. No golfer has ever told a reporter or a group of reporters that he or she is the greatest ever to play the game.
16. Golf doesn't have training camp and overpriced exhibition games.
17. It is virtually impossible to "fix'' a pro golf tournament.
18. Golf fans don't throw things at the players.
19. When pro golfers make a mistake, there is nobody there to cover for them or back them up.
20. Michael Jordan wishes he were a pro golfer.
21. Kids are never murdered over a pair of golf shoes.
22. Golfers call their own plays.
23. You can see the best golfers in the world up close at the U.S. Open all day, every day, for $25 or $30. It'll cost you $275 for a ticket in the nosebleed section of the Super Bowl.
24. Pro golfers don't charge $20 or more for an autograph.
25. In pro golf, you can't fail 70 percent of the time and make $9 million per season.
26. Golf lessons don't include tips on how to break the rules and get away with it.
27. Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts.
28. Golfers don't get a per diem and two seats on a chartered airplane when they travel from one tournament to the next.
29. Golfers don't do everything possible to disrupt the play of their opponents.
30. Golfers do their own laundry.
31. Golf doesn't have a 3-stroke shot.
32. Golfers don't lobby to get something they haven't earned with their clubs.
33. Golfers don't claim that it takes exceptional intelligence to play their game well.
34. Golf doesn't change its rules to attract more fans.
35. Pro golfers don't have bodyguards or entourages.
36. Pro golfers don't have closed practices.
37. Pro golfers keep their clothes on while they're being interviewed.
38. Greg Norman shakes your hand and says he is happy to meet you; Jose Canseco wears T-shirts that say "Leave me alone.''
39. Pro golfers don't get in fights in bars.
40. Pro golfers never say "I just want some respect.''
41. Children don't have to "take it like a man'' to play golf.
42. Pro golfers don't feel cheated because the game owes them something.
43. Pro golfers can't substitute for themselves when they're having a bad day.
44. Pro golfers don't taunt or punch each other.
45. Not only does nobody levy fines against pro golfers who choose not to practice, but nobody cares.
46. Pro golf doesn't have free agency.
47. Pro golfers don't try to renegotiate their earnings.
48. Fat people and skinny people can play golf.
49. Pro golfers can't abuse alcohol and drugs and be successful.
50. You can hear birds chirping at a pro golf tournament. You hear a steady stream of four-letter words and nasty name-calling in stadiums and arenas while you're hoping nobody spills beer on you.
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BASEBALL QUOTES
"I don't want to sound like Manny Ramirez, but it wasn't the end of the world."
--Mavericks forward Jerry Stackhouse, on the Mavericks' first-round playoff exit. (Eddie Sefko, Dallas Morning News)
"It's numbing more than anything else. You're almost aesthetically going around the bases."
--Fox analyst Tim McCarver on hitting a walk-off home run. (Cleveland Plain Dealer)
"I was so glad when Yom Kippur came around. I'd always ask when his days off were because I knew I'd get some hits if he wasn't pitching."
--Willie Mays on Sandy Koufax. (Stefan Stevenson, Fort-Worth Star Telegram)
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HOCKEY QUOTES
"You know what they say, 'Behind every good man, there's a great woman.' Not that I'm saying I'm a good man." — Sandis Ozolinsh of the San Jose Sharks on the support he's gotten from his wife Sandra in his fight against alcoholism and return to the NHL. (For 35, he's not a bad "Wizard of Oz" so far, with five points in 12 games.)
"[Brent] Sopel told me to do it. Somebody told me it was a joke. I don't even know anymore. It was just a nice thing to do for the boys." — Nineteen-year-old Chicago Blackhawks rookie Patrick Kane on his decision to give each of his teammates a custom-labeled bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon to celebrate his first NHL goal against the Colorado Avalanche. (Don't be fooled by the modesty: Kane now goes by "Big Daddy.")
