We've all been there - sitting on a bar stool, just finishing the warm backwash of the 5th Pabst of the night when in between handfuls of stale party mix or pretzels, you look to the guy next to you and say, "Who do you think the Ugliest Athletes Are". It may or may not come a few days after the other deep discussions like "Which 5 Actresses Would you Bang?" or "Top 5 Pizza Joints" or "Which country Has the Hottest Chicks" or "Top 5 Giants Moments", but it will come, believe me.
So, The FatMan hopes to give you ammunition on who the Ugliest Athletes are. Keep in mind a couple of biases that are inherent to the discussion. First off, the lack of many NFL players is noticeable, not because of their good looks, but because with helmets on their ugly mugs are mostly shielded from view. Also, I'm sure the good old days had some heinous looking mother-fuckers out there, but I'm not old enough to remember them - just one honorable mention whose ugliness lore was passed down to me.
So, here is the carnage: Honorable Mentions: Don Mossi: The sole "old timer" on the list was so ugly, my uncles used to call people they knew who were putrid-looking "Mossi". Don Mossi:
This guy made up for having a huge nose by having huge ears which took the attention off for milliseconds. It's a good thing he was a pitcher, because the only stick he swung was the ugly stick.
Mike Ricci: Being considered an ugly hockey player is a paradox. With teeth missing, these guys usually aren't top-notch lookers, but Ricci takes it to a whole other level.
Along with a great slapshot, he also has a fantastic Bells-Palsy sag going on. He looks like a tough George McFly.
Ezequiel Astacio: Give this guy a few more years and he might get into the top 10. Right now, he's too unknown, so the masses have generally not had enough exposure to upchuck at the sight of his wretchedness:
This is clearly what happens when one takes a culture from Kordell Stewart's neck and rubs it into facial cream.
Popeye Jones: Clearly has the talent to be in the top 10, but let's face it - he already catches enough shit for being named after a cartoon character. He'd probably rather look like a cartoon character than what he sees in the mirror every day:
People who say Mike Myers came up with the vision of "Shrek" on his own are kidding themselves.
Steve Balboni: This guy looked more like the corner butcher than a baseball player, but nevertheless, he needs a mention. Maybe ugly isn't the best description - but everyone outside of the Germanic areas of the world would disagree:
Bye-Bye poontang with a face like that.No word yet on if Kevin Pollack has accepted a role in "The Balboni Story"
#10) Gary Gaeti: I think most of the career totals he posted were influenced by pitchers not wanting to embarrass a guy who looked retarded. Give him an Italian horn and some heat, and he could be a regular on "The Sopranos".
And to think he's actually gotten more distinguished looking with age. As a side benefit, he's heard that Christy Brinkley is on the market and he looks to be just her type.
#9) Leon Spinks: The guy who started the phrase "Ugly American" might have been Spinks who was seen world-wide winning an Olympic Gold medal.
These days, he can be found roaming the streets, obviously on a campaign to make bums feel better looking about themselves.
#8) Carl Banks: Some people say that LT scared the crap out of opponents. He did, but can you imagine seeing LT on one side and then looking to the other side and getting a glimpse of Banks? It's surprising teams didn't take delay of games all day long:
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We had to throw in a normal looking guy next to him just so people wouldn't lose their cookies just yet. Ron Jaworski still has nightmares about the Giants. We understand why.
#7) Otis Nixon: Otis My Main Man!! This guy was so ugly he thought his name was Ralph for most of his life, because that's what other people were "saying" when they met him. He gets the daily Double by not just being ugly to begin with, but then compounding matters by pairing that ugliness in a mug shot (see Nolte, Nick):
This picture is always in Robert Parish's wallet so he can show the hairdresser how NOT to cut his hair. Parish has the distinction of being a member of the Ugliest Team of All-Time, so he tries to stay as good looking as possible these days. At least to out-class Dennis Johnson if for nothing else.
#6) Cris Kamen: If only he got a little more pub - here would be a true challenger to the top 5. Unfortunately, he isn't seen by most of the country. Or should that be fortunately?
The Suns Gorilla is holding out hope that Kamen gets traded to Phoenix so that the ugly burden is off of him.
#5) Willie McGee: A master at lulling the pitcher to sleep with his terrible face and then slapping a hit the other way, McGee set the standard for ugliness through the late 70's and 80's.
What does it say about your looks when a baseball card artist can't even make you look good?
#4) Sam Cassell: For years, the only acceptable theory about Cassell's ugliness is that he's a spawn of an alien. That might be an insult to aliens:
He's made a living by getting defenders to inexplicably back off of him while taking the rock to the hole. One look at him and even Tree Rollins would uproot himself.
#3) Randy Johnson: Since cutting his hair, he's just gone from butt-ugly to visually displeasing or The Big Unit might be in position #1. Still, he has some legs:
No wonder he scares the shit out of so many people. The fastball just helps a bit.
#2) Paul Mokeski - Forgotten by all but the annals of ugliness, the Mole Man still sticks in NBA fans minds as a man with no peer in the 80's.
Best known as an intimidator - the reason is blatantly clear why.
#1) Gheorge Muersan: Pair up an extreme combination of giganticism and being Romanian, and you have a combination even Andre the Giant couldn't touch. This man was so ugly that when he looked at his feet, they broke on him, ending his career in the public spotlight (Thank God). Yet, his image as Billy Crystal's lackey in "My giant" will be recorded for future generations to "enjoy":
Yikes!! You guys can go back to eating now.
