Brett Hull: "I'm not dumb enough to be a goalie."
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Doug Larson: "Ice hockey is a form of disorderly conduct in which the score is kept."
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Steve Rushin: "By the age of 18, the average American has witnessed 200,000 acts of violence on television, most of them occurring during Game 1 of the NHL playoff series."
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Jim Murray: "Hockey is murder on ice."
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Glen Sather: "You can have all the talent in the world, but if the pumper's not there, it doesn't matter."
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Jeremy Roenick, "Yeah, I'm cocky and I am arrogant. But that doesn't mean I'm not a nice person."
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Paul Coffey: "When we've got the puck, they can't score."
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Brad Park: "We get nose jobs all the time in the NHL, and we don't even have to go to the hospital."
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Conn Smythe: "Put the kids in with a few old pappy guys who still like to win and the combination is unbeatable."
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Ken Dryden: "There are two types of forwards. Scorers and bangers. Scorers score and bangers bang."
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Eric Lindros, commenting on Flyers GM Bob Clarke's inability to trade him. season: "When you ask for the house, car, cat, dog and all the fish when you're dealing with a player who's got questions about his health, no GM in his right mind is going to say yes and offer to clean the aquarium, too."
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Tony Amonte, on possessing the NHL's second-longest active playing streak: "It must be the body. It�s chiseled out of marshmallows."
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Teemu Selanne, on the importance of the All-Star game: "Winning is always fun, but the car is more important."
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Herb Brooks, 1980 US Olympic hockey coach: "You don't have enough talent to win on talent alone."
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Carolina owner Peter Karmanos, on his refusal to deal with Keith Primeau: "We refuse to pay a prima donna, a petulant, pouting player who had 30 goals last year the same money as Toronto is paying Mats Sundin or Pittsburgh is paying Jaromir Jagr."
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Jeremy Roenick, on the trade rumors around captain Keith Tkachuk: "The only difference between the Coyotes and Days of Our Lives is that nobody has been shot on our team yet."
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Phil Esposito, on his daughter Carrie getting engaged to Alexander Selivanov: "I tried to talk my daughter out of going with a hockey player but, he's a good kid. He asked me if he could marry Carrie before he asked her. I said: "You want to what? I thought he was just going to ask for more ice time."
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Scott Wolf, of the TV show Party of Five after playing in a charity hockey game: "I'm not planning a career change - not unless they need someone who constantly falls on the ice and is out of breath all the time."
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Brendan Morrison's, agent Kurt Overhardt, on his contract negotiations with the Devils: "It's beyond money at this point. They're not even treating him as a member of their family, unless it's a dysfunctional family."
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Mike Modano, on Sergei Fedorov's breaking three sticks on Dallas players: " I don't know if Anna (Kournikova) told him to get tougher or what."
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Roy MacGregor, on Yashin's contract holdout: "Sources also confirm that there is no one left in Canada who can remember when hockey was a simple game, played for fun."
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Wade Redden, on Ottawa's come from behind 6-2 win over Toronto: "Some days, the sun even shines on a dog's butt."
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When Miroslav Satan puts his credit card out to pay bills, he says "They ask me, 'Is this really your name?'" His standard response: "Only in America."
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On the "Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn," Kilborn noted Monday was Anna Kournikova's 18th birthday. Kilborn: "Or as hockey player Sergei Fedorov knows it, 'The day I can legally start telling everyone I am sleeping with Anna Kournikova.'"
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Brian Skrudland, on the new two-referee system: "I think the game has gotten better. (The two-ref system) keeps players from taking cheap shots behind the play. I never thought I'd like it, considering the way I like to hack."
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Patrick Roy, on his attempt at the Edmonton Oilers empty net: "I guess they respect my shot because they were all ready at the blue line."
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Steve Smith: "Part of the learning curve in Edmonton is learning to hate Calgary."
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Buffalo tough guy Rob Ray, to a reporter after Ray was pounded by Edmonton's Georges Laraque: "What are you, the fight doctor now or something? You've never been in a fight in your life, so what are you talking about?"
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Edmonton's Boris Mironov, on playing with a sore ankle: "I just tape four Tylenols to it."
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Glenn Healy, on his IHL time: "One road trip we were stuck on the runway for seven hours. The plane kept driving and driving until we arrived at the rink and I realized we were on a bus."
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Glenn Healy, on playing in the minors: "I was three-quarters down the list of guys I would be facing in my first game when I realized I was looking at our own roster.
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Roger Newton, Nassau Coliseum general manager joked when a sewage line backed up and leaked into the Islanders dressing room: "Actually we're trying to get it to flood both locker rooms, just to be fair."
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Kevin Hodson, goalie, on Al MacInnis: "You try to squeeze a little more Charmin in the pads when you face him."
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Mike Milbury, on former Islander Travis Green and his hit on Kenny Jonsson: "He's a gutless puke, that's what Travis Green is. That's why he doesn't wear an Islander uniform any more."
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Bobby Clarke, on signing Kjell Samuelsson: "There's no reason why a player is done at 33, 34. They train better, they eat better, they drink better. This isn't the old days when everybody sat around and drank beer."
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New York Islander General Manager Don Maloney: "I know I'm not very popular on Long Island. I don't know who's less popular, me or Joey Buttafuoco."
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In Chicago, Bob Probert crashed his motorcycle into a car. According to police reports, his blood-alcohol level was more than three times the legal limit and he told officers: "Just charge me with the usual."
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Edmonton's Tyler Wright, on being clubbed by Joe Murphy, "It felt like a golf swing and my head was on the tee."
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The St. Louis Blues Media Guide was recalled to the tune of a $70,000 loss as the result of a listing in the team record section. It related to the amount of 'Oral Satisfaction' that the team got in one game.
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Ron Francis, asked teammate Mario Lemieux what he did to stay in shape in the off season. Lemieux's response: "I don't order fries with my club sandwich."
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Serge Savard, on his firing from Montreal, "I have to thank the guy who fired me because he was also the guy who hired me."
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Dean Lombardi: "At the end of each year I make a list of my mistakes and it's pretty friggin' long."
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TB Coach Terry Crisp, on rookie Alex Selivanov, "Yes the guy can score you 40 goals. Yes I love it. What I don't want is him causing 60."
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Bobby Hull: "I was a multi-millionaire from playing hockey. Then I got divorced, and now I am a millionaire."
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Pat Burns, New Jersey Devil's Coach, after referees negated a line change that led to Tampa Bay's winning goal in the Stanley Cup Playoffs: "After all these years in the league, am I that stupid that I would put four forwards and one defenseman in a 3-3 tie, in the third period? I think everybody that knows me here knows I'm not that stupid. I might be halfway stupid, but not that stupid."
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Steven Tyler, Aerosmith's lead singer, after admiring the Stanley Cup: "This is the only thing that has seen more parties than us."
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Al Michaels, describing Americans' knowledge of hockey prior to the "Miracle on Ice": "People didn't know the difference between a blue line and a clothes line."
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Herb Brooks, 1980 US Olympic hockey coach: "You're playing worse every day and right now you're playing like the middle of next week."
Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.
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