Dane Cook: ... lot of Boston guys here tonight, Denis [Leary], we've got Lenny Clarke, we've got Nick [DiPaolo], Mario [Cantone], who knew Red Sox's curse affected comedians' careers ...
From Comedy Central Roast of Denis Leary
George Foreman: ... I've got 5 sons, I named them all George ...
Jay Leno: ... that my favorite thing, they're all named, but you actually never told me why, I didn't know, I never asked you why ...
George Foreman: ... well, you get hit on the head by Muhammad Ali, Joe Frazier, Ken Norton, Evander Holyfield, see how many names you gonna remember ...
From The Tonight Show
Howard Stern: ... give me a prediction of the final score [for Super Bowl 2008] ...
Junior Seau: ... I guarantee it will start zero zero ...
From Howard Stern Show
Tom Cruise (Jerry Maguire): ... I will not rest until I have you holding a Coke, wearing your own shoe, playing a Sega game featuring you while singing your own song in a new comercial starring you, broadcast during the Super Bowl in a game that you are winning, and I will not sleep until that happens ...
From Jerry Maguire
Will Ferrell (Phil Weston): ... you're my assistant, ok ... you're supposed to back me up and get me juice boxes when I tell you, now go get me a juice box ...
Mike Ditka: ... YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?
Will Ferrell: ... I'm talking to the juice box guy ...
Mike Ditka: ... YOU'RE CRAZY ...
Will Ferrell: ... I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty ...
Mike Ditka: ... WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL ...
Will Ferrell: ... NO, YOU GO TO HELL, WHILE YOU'RE THERE, WHY DON'T YOU GRAB ME A JUICE BOX ...
From Kicking & Screaming
Mitch Hedberg: ... I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick, that would be convenient ...
From Mitch All Together
Paul Westhead: If Shakespeare had been in pro basketball he never would have had time to write his soliloquies. He would always have been on a plane between Phoenix and Kansas City.
From The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said
Dane Cook: ... I was sweating like Shaq at the foul line ...
From Dane Cook: Rough Around the Edges at MSG on November 18, 2007
Lance Armstrong: ... I think you better hurry up or you're gonna be late ...
Vince Vaughn (Peter La Fleur): ... uhh, actually I decided to quit, Lance ...
Lance Armstrong: ... quit ... you know once I thought about quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung, and testicular cancer ... all at the same time ... but with the love and support of my friends and family I got back on the bike, and I won the Tour De France 5 times in a row, but I am sure you have a good reason to quit ... so what are you dying from that is keeping you from the finals?
Vince Vaughn: ... right now it feels a little bit like, shame ...
Lance Armstrong: ... well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life ... but good luck to you Peter, I am sure this decision won't haunt you forever ...
From Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
Mitch Hedberg: ... I think Pringles's initial intention was to make tennis balls ... but on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up a big old truck of potatoes arrived ... but Pringles is a laid back company, they said "cut them up" ...
From Unknown
Adam Sandler (Paul Crewe): ... you play football?
Chris Rock (Caretaker): ... man, I'm so bad at sports, they used to pick me after the white kids ...
From The Longest Yard
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