FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: bbsv.de

BASEBALL QUOTES

Umpire's Heaven is a place where he works third base every game. Home is where the heartache is."
Ron Luciano [Baldham Boars]

"I was hoping we'd be opening at Joe Robbie Stadium against Elmer Milktoast and the Gigiville nine. But unfortunately, it's Bobby Cox and the world champion Atlanta Braves in Atlanta."
New Florida Marlins manager John Boles on his managerial debut.

"You can play for the three-run homer there a lot. Like every inning."
Former Rockies and current Yankees catcher Joe Girardi, on playing at Coors Field.
"No one can stop a home run. No one can understand what it really is, unless you have felt it in your own hands and body. As the ball makes its high, long arc beyond the playing field, the diamond and the stands suddenly belong to one man. In that brief, brief time, you are free of all demands and complications.
Sadaharu Oh, Tokyo Giants Outfielder and All-Time Homerun Leader
"There were only two Bash Brothers (Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco), and one's in Boston now. Maybe I can be a Bash Stepchild."
Oakland's Scott Brosius, who has 10 homers, after suggestions he's ready to become a Bash Brother.
"[Before that,] I couldn't drive home Miss Daisy."
Boston outfielder Lee Tinsley, who had his first three RBI of the season Friday against Detroit.
"I'll tell you, I don't know what we ate during the off day, but we better eat more of it."
A's manager Art Howe, after Oakland hit a club record eight homers Thursday against California. Seven different players homered, tying a big league record.
"I have no clue what any of this means. For all I know, we don't even have signs."
Angels reliever Troy Percival, who didn't understand any of third base coach Rick Burleson's signs when asked to go to the plate for his first career at-bat.
"He's hitting .450. Of course, everybody is hitting .450."
Braves center fielder Marquis Grissom on his son D'Monte, who is playing T-ball at the age of 4.
"The music sounds better, the wine tastes sweeter and the girls look better when we win."
Mark Grace, after the Chicago Cubs ended a six-game losing streak.
"I wasn't scared. I just told them to give me all that hockey equipment."
Roger Clemens who wore Mo Vaughn's forearm pad and Kevin Mitchell's shinguard to get his first major-league hit, after a series of shifts put the DH in left field, forcing the Boston pitcher to bat.

"I was a nervous wreck out there. Swear to God. I felt like I was in the presence of the president."
Mariners reserve catcher John Marzano, after hitting a double and winding up standing next to Baltimore's Cal Ripken Jr.
"The ball is smaller, the planets are in line, the hole in the ozone layer is bigger, and so is Juan Gonzalez."
Terry Mulholland, on why more home runs are being hit these days
"The two most important things in life are good friends and a b bullpen."
Bob Lemon
"I was never nervous when I had the ball, but when I let go I was scared to death."
Lefty Gomez
"There were times last year when people looked at the scoreboard and thought my batting average was the temperature."
Buck Martinez
"The only people I ever felt intimidated by in my whole life were Bob Gibson and my Daddy."
Dusty Baker
"I knew it would ruin my arm, but one year of 25-7 is worth five of 15-15."
Steve Stone
"I took the two most expensive asprins in history."
Wally Pipp on his decision to sit out a game with a headache which let Lou Gehrig into the lineup.
"The greatest thrill in the world is to end the game with a home run and watch everybody else walk off the field while you're running the bases on air."
Al Rosen

"I don't get upset over things I can't control, because if I can't control them there's no use getting upset. And I don't get upset over the things I can control, because if I can control them there's no use in getting upset."
Mickey Rivers
"They should move first base back one step to eliminate all those close plays."
John Lowenstein
"Baseball is a lot like life. The line drives are caught, the squibbers go for base hits. It's an unfair game."
Ron Kanehl [Baldham Boars]
"I'm beginning to see Brooks [Robinson] in my sleep. If I dropped a paper plate, he'd pick it up on one hop and throw me out at first."
Sparky Anderson
"The only reason I don't like playing in the World Series is I can't watch myself play."
Reggie Jackson
"Not true at all. Vaseline is manufactured right here in the United States."
Don Sutton, about the rumors that he uses a foreign substance on the ball
"If I had my career to play over, one thing I'd do differently is swing more. Those 1,200 walks I got.....nobody remembers them."
Pee Wee Reese
"Fans don't boo nobodies."
Reggie Jackson
"Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?"
Jim Bouton

"I thought I had it. I was twisting around like this. It grazed my glove, hit me on the head, and bounced over. I'll be on ESPN for about a month."
Jose Canseco
"I'm tired of it. I don't want to hear about it anymore."
Bill Buckner
"Looking at the ball going over the fence isn't going to help."
Hank Aaron
"The difference between the old ballplayer and the new ballplayer is the jersey. The old ballplayer cared about the name on the front. The new ballplayer cares about the name on the back."
Steve Garvey
"You spend a good piece of your life gripping a baseball and in the end it turns out that it was the other way around all the time."
Jim Bouton
"Why certainly I'd like to have that fellow who hits a home run every time at bat, who strikes out every opposing batter when he's pitching, who throws strikes to any base or the plate when he's playing outfield and who's always thinking about two innings ahead just what he'll do to baffle the other team. Any manager would want a guy like that playing for him. The only trouble is to get him to put down his cup of beer and come down out of the stands and do those things."
Manager Danny Murtaugh
"October doesn't care what your name is."
Mike Lupica
"Guys ask me, don't I get burned out? How can you get burned out doing something you love? I ask you, have you ever got tired of kissing a pretty girl?"
Tommy Lasorda
"I'm not out here to win a beauty contest."
Kirk Gibson
"With those who don't give a damn about baseball, I can only sympathize. I do not resent them. I am even willing to concede that many of them are physically clean, good to their mothers and in favor of world peace. But while the game is on, I can't think of anything to say to them."
Art Hill

"When I get the record, all it will make me is the player with the most hits. I'm also the player with the most at bats and the most outs. I never said I was a greater player than Cobb."
Pete Rose
"How come we drive on parkways and park on driveways ?"
Larry Anderson
"That's why I don't talk. Because I talk too much."
Joquin Andujar
"Raise the urinals."
Darrel Chaney on how management could keep the Braves on their toes
"I told [GM] Roland Hemond to go out and get me a big name pitcher. He said, 'Dave Wehrmeister's got 11 letters. Is that a big enough name for you ?'"
Eddie Eichorn, White Sox owner
"When I covered the Yankees in the '60s, they had players like Horace Clarke, Ross Moschitto, Jake Gibbs and Dooley Womack. It was like the first-team missed the bus."
Broadcaster Joe Garagiola
"The only way I'm going to get a Gold Glove is with a can of spray paint."
Reggie Jackson
"All ballplayers should quit when it starts to feel as if all the baselines run uphill."
Babe Ruth
"I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4-1/2 minutes. When they asked him what it was like being dead, he said it was like listening to Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto during a rain delay."
David Letterman
"I've had so many x-rays that my pitches might take on a subtle glow. It will be tough to pick up my ball. It will look like an opaque-type fog."
Joe Magrane

"Just because I'm left-handed and quotable doesn't mean I'm from another solar system."
Joe Magrane
"The majority of American males put themselves to sleep by striking out the batting order of the New York Yankees."
James Thurber [Baldham Boars]
"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf
"When I was a little boy, I wanted to be a baseball player and join the circus. With the Yankees, I've accomplished both."
Graig Nettles
"It's a good thing Babe Ruth isn't here. If he was, George Steinbrenner would have him bat seventh and say he's overweight."
Graig Nettles
"He's so ugly. When you walked by him, your pants wrinkle. He made fly balls curve foul."
Mickey Rivers, on teammate Danny Napeleon's looks
"I played third base like Brooks ... Mel Brooks."
Andy Van Slyke
"Who cares how long they are as long as they're over the fence."
Robin Ventura on a tape-measure homer
"I'm never satisfied. I can't stand satisifaction. To me, greatness comes from that quest for perfection."
Mike Schmidt
"Just take the ball and throw it where you want to. Throw strikes. Home plate don't move."
Satchel Paige
"I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it."
Rogers Hornsby
"My best game plan is to sit on the bench and call out specific instructions like 'C'mon Boog,' 'Get ahold of one, Frank,' or 'Let's go, Brooks.'"
Earl Weaver
"Always root for the winner. That way you won't be disappointed."
Tug McGraw
"I'd walk through hell in a gasoline suit to play baseball."
Pete Rose

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