FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: script-o-rama.com

SPORTS QUOTES

Excerpts from:

Robin Williams Live On Broadway Script - Dialogue Transcript

Everybody's worried about people playing baseball on steroids.
Here's one quick way you tell:

on steroids, your balls shrink and your head grows.
So if someone steps up to the plate

with a Mardi Gras head and Raisinettes, you're out!

Poor Barry Bonds! They won't pitch to him
and when they do it, they're trying to kill him.

I'm very excited because this is my time
when I was watching World Cup Soccer, my man.
I saw world cup, baby.

There's a few soccer fans, the rest of you are going:
"Uh, that's like football without pads, right?"
For the rest of the world, it's football.
For us, it's "A strange sport, played by damaged people."

We made it in the World Cup. Everyone plays it.

Not like the World Series, 'cause the French don't have a baseball team.
If they did, they would only have left field and no one would be safe.

You know what I'm saying?

What can you do, huh? It is Bastille day, alore.
The day that Marie Antoinette gave the ultimate head. Look out!

We are French. Fuck you, Americans, I don't care!

My friend Lance Armstrong is racing right now in The Tour du France.
And every year the French go, "He is on chemicals."
"It's chemotherapy, you little toad suckers."
Okay, he has one testicle, he's aerodynamic.
Everyone, cut off your balls. You'll be quicker.
Do it. Don't be afraid."

When you look at the World Cup, America finally made it.
We made it to the sixteenth, baby!
We're no longer in the "Special Olympics" category.
They used to see us coming: "Give it to them, they're damaged people"!
Thank you for the ball. I got a ball. I kick the ball!
Unlike the Brazilians. When they play is like...
And the fans...
Brazilians are going: "Look, I'm playing soccer...
Look, I'm scoring!
And now I'm kicking the ball."

Soccer is kinda mellow, you know. Is a little passive aggressive though.

I didn't do anything... What are you looking at?

It's not like hockey, when someone comes up with a stick and goes:
"Bang, mother fucker!"
That's why there are no Spanish hockey players.
When a white guy takes a stick and goes...
"Motherfucker, I'm going to cut you off now!

And you, Freddie Krugger bitch, take off the mask, mother fucker!
Coming in there! Katami

Sometimes guys do this weird thing... They fall down and pretend like...

I've been killed... I've been blinded...
There's nobody near me, huh? OK, I'm kidding!
And the referee comes over: "Yellow card!"
Two yellow cards. "Red card!"
Three cards. "Green card!"
And the referee is so sweet, too.

"What's your name? Turn around.
Why didn't you call me after the Mexico game ?

Not like football referees: "Too much commercial time"
Mad white man dancing on the field.
Moving away. Moving away.

In the World Cup they always claim there's bad refereeing,
someone may have been paid off.
Oh, shit, say it ain't so!

The worst referee was in Winter Olympics with a French judge.
Once again, the French fucked with us!
The Canadians skate perfectly. "We did it perfect, huh!"
And then the Russians they come and fuck up

and the French judge: "They fucked up, I give it to them"

At that point I'm going: "Where's Tonya Harding when you need her?"
Tonya would've been on that judge like shit on Velcro.
"Give me that medal, you French whore!"
"I won!"

You remember the Winter Olympics. They had them in Utah. Great place!
What, was Amish country booked, what happened?
Common down to Salt Lake! We're gonna party like it's ..........

About the Olympics once again,
we're talking about the figure skating.
I find the figure skating to be kinda sexy.
Not ice dancing, which is polka on Valium. That's not good.
That's that pair figure skating. There's one very special lift.
Where the male skater goes...
Right here!
Where even a gynecologist would go: "Put on a glove, man!"
Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?
And I'm going: "Let's cut the foreplay,
let's have ice fucking, come on!"
Nipples aroused...
And she holds on without her hands!
Even the French judge would go: "I like it!"

"I don't care. I'm giving them the medal. Fuck the Canadians!"

They have weird sports like the Biathalon
which is like Norwegian Drive-By.

The Canadians won the gold medal in hockey.
God bless you Canadian people.

You're so fucking nice eh.
It's your only fucking sport, come on!

That and a mutant form of football.
"We've got men, we have a longer field"
You have fun, enjoy!

Everyone was so happy that at the Olympics the security was so tight.
Security was amazing at the Olympics.
You chose the whitest fucking State in the Union!
An Arab in Utah is like an albino at the Apollo. You would notice!
- I found one! - It's just Ted. Everybody out!

That's my idea of a sport!
The manly sport of golf,
where you can dress like a pimp and no one will care.
Even a gay blind man would go: "Oh, dear Christ!"
"Those are loud. This is no carnival. What a fuck are you on?"
Even the alligators are going: "Asshole!"
It's such an athletic sport: whack the ball, get in the car.
Whack the ball, get in the car.
And the commentary's electrifying.
Just this side of Curling, for really getting me going.

Third hole.
Could people be quiet, I'd like to hear the grass grow.
I'd like the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time.
The ball is ready.
Hole!

Just to see al those waspy mother fuckers going:
"Oh, dear Christ!"
"My God, they're not gardening, they're playing now, oh, shit!"
What a hell we gonna do? That was their last domain of dominance

It was their area. They were the kings.
Up until Tiger!
Son of a black man and a Thai woman.
Not even a German geneticist could've thought than one up!
Black athletic ability, Buddhist concentration.
Crouching Potter.
And than he goes to the British Open,
and he plays at Saint Andrews, who the fucking invented the sport.

And after the fourth round, he's under par.
And there's only fucking holes.
And all the old men going: "My God, we're doomed!"

"How did he learn to play? We wouldn't have let him join."

And they start having nightmares of golf carts going...
Y:i Yo, yo, yo I'm playing through
Y:i Whether you're gentile or a Jew
Y:i Mother fucker!