SPORTS QUOTES
by Robin Williams
ATHLETES
And now you've got athletes on cocaine. You have baseball players having to go in front of grand juries saying, "Yeah! I did cocaine. But can you blame me, though? It's a slow goddamn game, jack! Third base coach is doing this sh*t all the time. I don't know whether to slide or do a line, you know what I'm sayin'? And then there's that music. That (intro to CHARGE!)
LUGE
There's the luge, for which I have only one question: What drunken, German gynecologist invented that sport? What guy said: You know what? I want to dress like a sperm, shove an ice skate in my ass, and go balls first down an ice chute. Ja, that would be fun!
BOXING
Boxing took a weird turn when Mike Tyson bit somebody. LETS GET READY TO NIBBLE! And all these old guy were like "He bit him oh dear Christ he bit him." You're lucky he just bit him! Mike just got out of prison, you're lucky he didn't f**k him! Come on! You know biting is foreplay in prison. Mike would be going "Break it up!" "When I'm finished." Mike's on Zoloft too. He said "I'm on Zoloft so I don't kill you mother-f**kers." I'm going "Up the dosage, Mike!". PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP! PICK IT UP!
BOWLING
Unless you're passing a bowling ball, I don't think so. Unless you're trying to circumsize yourself with a chainsaw, I don't think so. Unless you're opening an umbrella up your ass, I don't think so!
- On husbands sharing their wives' childbearing experience
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