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SCUBA DIVING HUMOR

Potential Dive Buddies to Avoid

by Sandy Lindsey

Choosing the right diving buddy can be a more important decision than choosing your first through third spouses, your career path (a.k.a. dead-end job) and in many cases, even more important that the selection of your diving vacation destination. The following guidelines should take some of the stress out of this complex decision-making process, and help you learn what to avoid:

Mr. I Can Maintain Perfect Bouyancy Longer Than You Can

He's arrogant, he's irritating, and worst of all he's usually right.

Mr. I Bet I Can Maintain Perfect Bouyancy Longer than You Can

Same as above, only he's so sure of himself that he wants to take your money in what he views as a "sucker bet."

The Ruthless Spearfisherman

He's going to catch a fish no matter how long it takes. And will rouse you from the developing mental haze caused by the lack of oxygen in your tank with the tip of his loaded spear gun to make you continue the hunt.

The Diving Stud

He uses enough hairspray to dive in the strongest currents, yet not have a hair out of place. One more spritz and he'll be toxic to the entire marine environment around him.

Mr. Perpetual Optimist

So constantly cheerful, even on days when the seas are 6-8, he can see the bright side of being seasick on an overcrowded dive boat, from which, for obvious reasons, you aren't permitted to dive off of that day. One day you know that the stress is going to get to you and you're going to burst a blood-vessel and throw him overboard without his equipment.

The Pseudo-Diver

He wears all the right dive clothes, owns all the right dive gear...and it ends right there. He possesses no diving skills whatsoever. In his opinion that's what you're for. NOTE: This relationship can work if he owns a Nikonos V that you've lusted over but can't afford, will pay for your gear, buys beer afterwards, and doesn't take it personally if you leave him on board the dive boat.

The Ex-Con

Warning: One should not consider a diving partner who has more than two felony convictions, no matter what his skills underwater.

Just Got Out of the State Hospital

One step above the ex-con, he was smart enough to fake insanity and get sentenced to cushier surroundings. At least you hope he was faking...

The Cola Junkie

"What do you mean we don't have any sugar and caffeine left on board!" His hands shake too much to set up his equipment properly.

The Neighbors Recently Certified Ten-Year-Old Ki

You may be tempted to tell yourself that since he's young, you can mold him to your diving ways. Don't share this naive thought with him. You'll only get a lot of laughter and receive a clipped, "Yeah, right" before he returns his fixated attention to his handheld electronic game.

The Ozzy Osbourne Fan

I'm sure you know what he likes to do with the live lobster he catches. Leave him back on land where he can content himself with bats.

Lastly, never, ever consider a diving partner who has been on America's Most Wanted, Unsolved Mysteries or any show featuring people talking about their UFO experiences.