JOAN RIVERS
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FITNESS AND EXERCISE HUMOR
The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, “If we’re going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it jumping up and down.” ~Rita Rudner
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Aerobics: a series of strenuous exercises which help convert fats, sugars, and starches into aches, pains, and cramps. ~Author Unknown
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I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing. ~Marsha Doble
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A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise. ~A.A. Milne
A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise. ~A.A. Milne
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I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. ~Chauncey Depew, also sometimes attributed in slightly different wording to Mark Twain
I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. ~Chauncey Depew, also sometimes attributed in slightly different wording to Mark Twain
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit. ~Phyllis Diller
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit. ~Phyllis Diller
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Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate. ~Author Unknown
Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate. ~Author Unknown
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An hour of basketball feels like 15 minutes. An hour on a treadmill feels like a weekend in traffic school. ~David Walters
An hour of basketball feels like 15 minutes. An hour on a treadmill feels like a weekend in traffic school. ~David Walters
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I consider exercise vulgar. It makes people smell. ~Alec Yuill Thornton
I consider exercise vulgar. It makes people smell. ~Alec Yuill Thornton
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People say that losing weight is no walk in the park. When I hear that I think, yeah, that’s the problem. ~Chris Adams
People say that losing weight is no walk in the park. When I hear that I think, yeah, that’s the problem. ~Chris Adams
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I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I’m damned if I’m going to use up mine running up and down a street. ~Neil Armstrong on jogging, in an interview with Walter Cronkite
I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I’m damned if I’m going to use up mine running up and down a street. ~Neil Armstrong on jogging, in an interview with Walter Cronkite
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If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise. ~Author Unknown
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise. ~Author Unknown
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I am pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me. ~Mark Twain
I am pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me. ~Mark Twain
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Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. ~Robert M. Hutchins
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. ~Robert M. Hutchins
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I exercise every morning without fail. One eyelid goes up and the other follows. — Pete Postlethwaite
I exercise every morning without fail. One eyelid goes up and the other follows. — Pete Postlethwaite
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Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart. –Erma Bombeck
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart. –Erma Bombeck
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I have every sympathy with the American who was so horrified by what he has read of the effects of smoking that he gave up reading. –Lord Conesford
I have every sympathy with the American who was so horrified by what he has read of the effects of smoking that he gave up reading. –Lord Conesford
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I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. –Carol Leifer
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. –Carol Leifer
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Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get. –Robert Orben
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Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get. –Robert Orben
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When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking. –Elaine Boosler
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Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that? –Lisa Claymen
Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that? –Lisa Claymen
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I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. –Joe E. Lewis
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. –Joe E. Lewis
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The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it. — Jackie Gleason
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it. — Jackie Gleason
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Whenever I feel like exercising, I lie down until the feeling passes. — Robert Maynard Hutchins
Whenever I feel like exercising, I lie down until the feeling passes. — Robert Maynard Hutchins
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Never eat more than you can lift. — Miss Piggy
Never eat more than you can lift. — Miss Piggy
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I’ve gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower-body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels. –Dave Barry
I don’t jog, if I die I want to be sick. — Abe Lemons
I’ve gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower-body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels. –Dave Barry
I don’t jog, if I die I want to be sick. — Abe Lemons
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I don’t exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he’d have put diamonds on the floor. — Joan Rivers
I don’t exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he’d have put diamonds on the floor. — Joan Rivers
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Image: body-philosophy.net
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