FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: mcsweeneys.net

BASEBALL HUMOR
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Subtopic: A "Dear Jane" letter from a Kansas City Royals Fan
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Be prepared for this one - this guy would fit well as an IRS auditor!
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HOW ME BREAKING UP WITH YOU IS LIKE JON LESTER
PITCHING A NO-HITTER AGAINST THE ROYALS.
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BY MICHAEL NELSON PRICE- - - -
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Well, listen, judging by all the phone messages you've left, it seems like you're having some problems dealing with this. No, I'm not going to call you back, but I do hope this e-mail brings you some closure.
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I think once you realize how much me breaking up with you is like Jon Lester throwing a no-hitter against the Royals, you'll be on the road to recovery.
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Here's the thing: I get that you're sad. I really do. It seems like your No. 1 goal with the sometimes angry, sometimes whimpering messages is to convince me that you're upset.
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You seem to think that I can't understand your loss. You accuse me of being "incapable of feeling." You call me a "robot."
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So, I just have to let you know that I do know how you feel, kiddo. I can empathize completely with your sense of loss. The way you feel about the breakup is the way I feel about the Royals getting no-hit last week.
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Yes, I know we were together two years. Did you know the Royals hadn't been no-hit for 35 years?
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Yes, I know how much you've committed to the relationship. Do you have any idea how much my collection of George Brett jerseys cost?
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Yes, it will be awkward for you to see me at work. You know what will be really awkward? The Royals finishing a four-game series against a team that just no-hit them.
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Can you step outside your own selfish world and imagine that for a second? Yes, I'm aware that things seemed better between us lately. That's what makes this so difficult. The Royals have been playing much better baseball lately, our pitching has been topnotch, and I had general faith in our young guys before the no-hitter. Then this. It's almost too much to take (the no-hitter).
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The whole thing just gets worse and worse. The media are making an especially big deal about the no-hitter because the pitcher, Jon Lester, turns out to be some kind of a cancer survivor. So it's an even bigger story than a regular no-hitter.
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I can't escape it. You might feel that way about the all-staff e-mail I just sent out about the breakup. I just thought everyone should know. No big deal. I'm hoping this will all make you see how similar our situations really are.
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You must be able to see the irony of Jon Lester recovering from cancer to throw a no-hitter, while I've risen from an insecure loner to dating Sandy from accounting (see the all-staff e-mail).
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Two years ago, people were counting me out, just like they counted Jon out when he had some sort of cancer. Jon threw a no-hitter; I went out with Sandy. I hate to compare myself to the pitcher who no-hit the Royals, but I'm sure you can see that the parallels are downright eerie.
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That brings me to my next point.
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I really hesitate to bring this up, because I'm not sure it fits completely in the empathy category. But I think even you would have to admit that I no-hit you during the breakup.
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Every point I was making, all the examples I was using, everything was executed perfectly. You just sat there. Inept, clumsy, impotent. Just like the Royals.
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Every once in a while, you would try to say something, but it never went well. You were just flailing away, looking for my fastball all night, but you never found it.
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I could see you trying. Alex Gordon was trying to hit, too, but it wasn't enough. I had all my pitches working, and my command was spot-on. I had you guessing all night, and, when I did make a mistake, you were too disoriented to take advantage of it.
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So, anyway, I hope this e-mail illustrates how emotional I actually am (about the no-hitter). I'm sure you can see how our situations are alike. Well, until I start comparing myself to Jon Lester, at least. I'm Jon Lester, not you; you're more like the Royals in that analogy.
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Anyway, I've got to go. Please stop leaving messages, and remember that the great thing about baseball is that there's always another game around the corner. (That doesn't apply to us, though; we're completely done.)
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P.S. I copied "all staff" on this e-mail as well
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SHORTY IS IN BIG TROUBLE NOW!
LADIES DON'T PLAY THAT!!!
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Can I get an "Amen, brother!"
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I wonder how things are in Antarctica - the writer's next missive
will probably be from there.
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The killer move for Shorty: the all staff emails!!
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Well, if you are going to checkmate yourself, you
might as well make it a killer move and he did!
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