A brand new sport is being tried out at the Olympics following the success of lawn tennis.
It's called Insultball, and the rules are very simple: Two players stand either side of a tennis net, and hurl insults at each other as well as a tennis ball. If one player cannot return the insult or the ball, they lose the point. Scoring in Insultball is the same as in tennis.
The thrilling Olympic final is between a tall, angry looking American called Bradley Chuckheffner (Vincent Brimble) and the diminutive little British girl Sandra Purstop (Natasha Collins). Bradley serves first:
"You horrible little wretched putrescence. You're not fit to be the wipe that wipes the dog mess off my shoes," he shouts across the net and passes the ball.
Poor Sandra is shocked by such a vicious serve, drops the ball and bursts into tears.
'15-0'
Bradley winds up for another mouthful of invective to hurl at Sandra.
"You are a great big snotty nose," he yells with some venom, but this time Sandra catches the ball and returns the insult:
"You are an oversized bag of the kind of pus that oozes from a pig's abscess," she shouts which as you can imagine knocks Bradley for six. What a return.
'15-15'
Bradley serves again and the two intrepid insulters exchange a volley of rude words, Sandra ending with, "You smell worse than a hairy goat's armpit." A winning volley.
'15-30'
Bradley is getting worried about the power of Sandra's wordplay and all he can do is deliver a weak serve of, "You big fat baboon," at his next attempt. Naturally Sandra is able to return a fast winner to this pathetic insult:
"Much higher up the evolutionary tree than you, you single-celled piece of pond slime."
'15-40'
Bradley is angry with himself by being so completely outplayed by the rudeness of the plucky little Brit.
He now serves a bad first line by not insulting Sandra directly, "You're all a load of sewer ridden idiots!" which the line judge calls a fault. Bradley is losing his temper and now insults the umpire, and receives a warning.
"Damn and blast!" he shouts to himself, which is not an insult, "Come on! Come on!"
He winds up his second serve and delivers the weakest of all starters at Sandra, "You fat cow!"
She is up at the net in no time and smashes down her superb reply, "You hairy nincumpoop, you haven't even got the IQ of a gerbil."
Running backwards, flabberghasted, all Bradley can return is, "Are you calling me stupid?"
"OUT!" the umpire calls. "Game to Sandra Purstop. She leads by one game to love."
"What?" screams Bradley, "You must be joking. That was a perfectly good lob."
"Sorry, but your shot 'Are you calling me stupid?' is a question not an insult, you lose the point and the game," the umpire ruled.
At which Bradley completely went to pieces and Sandra romped through the rest of the slanging match with some wonderfully clever, tricky and nasty insults.
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