FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: jimpoz.com

 

Sports Quotes

 Close doesn't count in baseball. Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
 Frank Robinson
1935—
  
Statistics are used much like a drunk uses a lamppost: for support, not illumination.
 Vin Scully
1927—
  
Discussing the possibility that his former team, the Montreal Expos, may move to Washington:
The only way I'm coming to Washington is if I am elected. And if I do, I will paint the White House pink and turn it into a Mexican restaurant.
 Bill "The Spaceman" Lee
1946—
  
I think about the cosmic snowball theory. A few million years from now the sun will burn out and lose its gravitational pull. The earth will turn into a giant snowball and be hurled through space. When that happens it won't matter if I get this guy out.
 Bill "The Spaceman" Lee
1946—
  
I have four basic pitches: fastball, curve, slider and change-up, plus eight illegal ones.
 Tommy John
1943—
  
Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you're tired and most of your balls are missing.
 Tim Allen
1953—
  
Sports fans, I have the final score for you on the big game between Harvard and William & Mary. It is: Harvard 14, William 12, Mary 6.
 Steve Allen
1921—2000
  
Baseball owners have moral scruples against taking any man's dollar when there is a chance to take a dollar and a quarter.
 Red Smith
1905—1982
  
Why do people sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when they're already there?
 Larry Andersen
1953—
  
If he's a good fastball hitter, should I throw him a bad fastball?
 Larry Andersen
1953—
 
 If a tie is like kissing your sister, losing is like kissing your grandmother with her teeth out.
 George Brett
1953—
  
Winning isn't everything, but it beats anything that comes in second.
 Bear Bryant
1913—1983

After seeing George Steinbrenner's new yacht:
It was a beautiful thing to observe with all thirty-six oars working in unison.
 Jack Buck
1924—2002
  
On former Texas Rangers owner George W. Bush:
That a former owner whose team once traded Sammy Sosa could rise to the most powerful office in the world is rather extraordinary given that fans generally lump team owners somewhere below child pornographers and just above telephone solicitors and local cable company directors.
 Jim Caple

On being a Major League Baseball umpire:
This must be the only job in America that everybody knows how to do better than the guy who's doing it.
 Nestor Chylak
1922—1982
  

I'm a finesse pitcher without the finesse.
 David Cone
1963—
  
Not many people talk to you when you're hitting .195.
 Dwight Evans
1951—
  
Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.
 Buddy Hackett
1924—2003
  
The bowling alley is the poor man's country club.
 Hansell

It's not the winning that counts, nor the taking part; it's making fun of the little fat kid who always comes in last.
 Matthew Hansen

 Everybody says a tie is like kissing your sister. I guess it's better than kissing your brother.
 Lou Holtz
1937—

 The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
 Franklin P. Jones
1853—1935
  
I'll never be considered one of the all-time greats; maybe not even one of the all-time goods. But I'm one of the all-time survivors.
 Jim Kaat
1938—
  
If you listen to the guys up in the stands, pretty soon you'll be up there sitting with them.
 Bobby Knight
1940—
  
After the Phillies scored eight runs in the bottom of the ninth inning to win a game:
We're losing by eight runs, and all I'm thinking about at that point is getting back to the hotel by midnight because that's when room service closes. All of a sudden we start getting hits and more hits, and I'm saying, "I'm not going to make it." If you're not going to get room service you might as well win.
 John Kruk
1961—
  
Baseball is a kids' game that grown-ups only tried to screw up.
 Bob Lemon
1920—2000
  
After her grandson Len Barker pitched a perfect game in 1981:
Tell Len I've very proud of him. I hope he does better next time.
 Tokie Lockhart

 I try for good players and I try for good character. If necessary, though, I settle for the good player.
 Phil Maloney
1927—
  
Never bet with anyone you meet on the first tee who has a deep suntan, a one-iron in his bag, and squinty eyes.
 Dave Marr

  If you're drunk, don't drive. Don't even putt.
 Dean Martin
1917—1995
  
One percent of ballplayers are leaders of men. The other ninety-nine percent are followers of women.
 John McGraw
1873—1934
  
We're not athletes, we're baseball players!
 Mr. Baseball
1992
  
On Albert Belle:
Very few people will bother to say goodbye to a guy who almost never said hello.
 Dan Patrick
1957—
  
To Kenneth Clarke, who said, "Isn't it terrible about losing to the Germans at our national sport?" when England lost to Germany in the 1990 World Cup Semifinal:
I shouldn't worry too much; we've beaten them twice this century at theirs.
 Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher
1925—
  

Chicago is the city of broad shoulders and narrow trophy cases.
 Bob Verdi

Chicago Cubs fans are ninety percent scar tissue.
 George Will
1941—
  
Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television. 
 Victoria Wood
1953—
  
Gosh, all a kid has to do these days is spit straight and he gets forty thousand dollars to sign.
 Cy Young
1867—1955
  
After Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe divorced:
It proves no man can be a success in two national pastimes.
 Oscar Levant
1906—1972
  
If you're not cheating, you're not trying hard enough.
 Unknown

 Second place is the first loser.
 Unknown

 Can't anybody here play this game?
 Casey Stengel
1890—1975
  

It's easy to get good players. It's getting them to play together that is the tough part.
 Casey Stengel
1890—1975
  
If I played today I'd be a million-dollar player. Is that scary or what?
 Bob Uecker
1935—
  

I set some records that will never be equalled. In fact, I hope half of them don't even get printed.
 Bob Uecker
1935—
  
The Phillies offered me a contract to come back in January. The only contingency was that I had to lose twenty. So I lost twenty, reported to spring training, only to find there was a huge misunderstanding. They were talking years, not pounds.
 Tug McGraw
1944—2004
  
The difference between individual intelligence and group intelligence is the difference between Harvard University and the Harvard University football team.
 P. J. O'Rourke
1947—
  
In 1938 to State Department operative and former White Sox catcher Moe Berg, who offered to trade his knowledge of baseball for Einstein's knowledge of mathematics:
I think you would learn mathematics faster.
 Albert Einstein
1879—1955
  
On the 1981 baseball strike:
O, Sovereign Owners and Princely Players, masters of amortization, tax shelters, bonuses, and deferred compensation, go back to work.
 A. Bartlett Giamatti
1938—1989
  
Upon winning the 1982 Rolaids Award as the American League's best relief pitcher:
I want to thank all the pitchers who couldn't go nine innings, and manager Dick Howser who wouldn't let them go.
 Dan Quisenberry
1953—1998
  
I signed with the Milwaukee Braves for three thousand dollars. That bothered my dad at the time because he didn't have that kind of dough. But he eventually scraped it up.
 Bob Uecker
1935—
  
Bridge: next to hockey, the most dangerous shin-bruising game in America. 
 Unknown

 Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
 Unknown

The moment of victory is much too short to live for that and nothing else.
 Martina Navrátilová
1956—
  
A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa.
 MAD Magazine

 

 

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