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SPORTS QUOTES
"Every time that I have ever tried to help a woman out, I have been incarcerated."-- Jose Canseco on "The Surreal Life"
"It was another 'Nip/Tuck' game, which you can see on Fox, and now we're heading back to 'The OC' which you can also see on Fox."-- Chris Myers closing out his postgame report after a White Sox-Angels game
"I don't see it happening unless every NBA player is given a stipend to buy clothes."-- Marcus Camby (who will make $7.15 million this season) on the NBA invoking a new dress code
"This is my first summer [with] no trouble. I ain't go to jail for speeding. Didn't go to jail for DUI. I didn't break my foot. I didn't break my other foot. I'm one step ahead of the game already."-- Kwame Brown
"The one thing I've noticed about our new uniforms is the players aren't complaining too much. If they're happy, we're happy. Even Stephen Jackson looks good."-- Larry Bird on the Pacers' new uniforms
"You better go stand after a tree full of birds."-- My Uncle Rick's e-mail after the Red Sox lost to Chicago in the ALDS
"Bud Light."-- St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Chris Carpenter when asked to name his favorite pitcher.
"Half is not enough protection, half is my fault and half is them just doing a good job. I know it's 150 percent, but I'm a little tired now."-- Marc Bulger
"It's not how you go into the party. It's how you go out."-- Manny Ramirez on the Red Sox-Yankees series.
"I'd fire him."-- Former 76ers owner Pat Croce, asked what he'd do to Raptors GM Rob Babcock if he worked for him.
"There's nothing to say. The game's over. It's not going to change the score."-- Steelers president Dan Rooney on the 52 seconds that were mistakenly added to the game clock in the Patriots' 23-20 win over Pittsburgh
"You think every hitter out there wins a Gold Glove? Dude, Jose Canseco won an MVP."-- David Ortiz, as quoted in the New York Times
"I'm very rarely beyond words, and I am right now."-- John O'Hurley after learning he had won his rematch against Kelly Monaco on "Dancing with the Stars"
''I can't say that I am."-- Mike Timlin when asked by the Boston Globe if he is operating on fumes after giving up three earned runs to the Devil Rays
"Pretty much, I think so. Yeah."-- Barry Bonds on whether or not Congress is wasting its time looking into steroids in sports
"Even bad teams have optimism. You don't want to take away the optimism so early in the season. The Bad News Bears coach wouldn't even tell [his team] that."-- Jalen Rose on Raptors GM Rob Babcock's negative comments about the upcoming season
"It was exciting and actually a turning point in our relationship. It was exciting because it was Fenway Park."-- Jose's ex-wife Jessica Canseco commenting on having sex in an office in Fenway
"He said on the mound he didn't try to hit me. I just looked at him and said, 'Come on man.' It really hurt. He nearly took my nipple off."-- Blue Jays 1B Eric Hinske, whose right nipple was taped and iced after being plunked by Keith Foulke
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