FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: weird-websites.com

SPORTS QUOTES
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It's time to retire from active sports participation when...
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Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
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In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
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It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
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It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
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It takes twice as long to look half as good.
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It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
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Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
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No one expects you to run into a burning building.
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People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
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People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
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The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
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The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
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The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
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The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
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The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
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There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
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Things you buy now won't wear out.
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When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
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When happy hour is a nap.
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When tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
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When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
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When you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
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When you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.
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When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
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When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
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When you stop buying green bananas.
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When you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
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When you were in school there was no history class!
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When your birth certificate says expired on it.
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When you're told to act your own age, and you die.
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You and your teeth don't sleep together.
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You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf course.
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You are proud of your lawn mower.
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You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
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You burn the midnight oil until 9:00 P.M.
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You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
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You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
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You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
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You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
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You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
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You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
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You don't remember being absent minded.
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You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
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You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
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You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night before.
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You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
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You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
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You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
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You get exercise acting as a pallbearer for friends who exercise.
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You get winded playing chess.
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You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
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You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
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You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
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You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
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You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
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You look both ways before crossing a room.

You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
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You look forward to a dull evening.
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You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
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You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
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You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
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You sing along with the elevator music.
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You sink your teeth into a steak ...and they stay there.
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You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
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You start video taping daytime game shows.
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You take a metal detector to the beach.
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You turn off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
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You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
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You wear black socks with sandals.
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You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
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You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
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You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
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Your back goes out more than you do.
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Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
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Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
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Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
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Your ears are hairier than your head.
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Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
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Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
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Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
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Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
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Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
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Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
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Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
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Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
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Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
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Your pacemaker raises the garage door when you see a pretty girl go by.
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Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
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Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
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You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

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...And a sure sign its time to retire is when your doctor says:

"I've got bad news for you. You have cancer and Alzheimer's disease."

And you reply, " Whew, that's good news as long as I don't have cancer!"