FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: cemc.org

GOLF LINGO
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ADDRESSING THE BALL: A player has "addressed the ball" when he/she has taken his/her stance and also grounded his/her club, except that in a hazard a player has addressed the ball when he has taken his/her stance.
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ADVICE: Any counsel or suggestion which could influence a player in determining his/her play, the choice of a club or the method of making a stroke.
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BALL IN PLAY: A ball is "in play" as soon as the player has made a stroke on the teeing ground. It remains in play until holed out (unless another ball has been substituted for a lost ball, out of bounds or damaged ball; in these cases the substituted ball becomes the ball "in play").
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BANANA BALL: A bad slice, so called because the flight of the ball resembles the shape of a banana.
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BARBER: A player who talks to the point of annoyance. Also called a parrot.
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BIRDIE: A score of one under par for a single hole.
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BOGEY: A score of one over par for a single hole..
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BUNKER: A hazard consisting of a prepared area of ground, often hollow from which turf or soil has been removed and replaced with sand or the like. Also called a sand hazard or sand trap.
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CASUAL WATER: Any temporary accumulation of water on the course which is visible when the player takes his/her stance. Dew and frost are not casual water.
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CADDIE: One who carries or handles a player's clubs during play and otherwise assists him/her in accordance with the Rules.
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COLLAR: Edge of a bunker (sand trap).
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COMMITTEE: The committee is in charge of the competition or the course (if there is no competition).
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COMPETITOR: A player in a stroke competition. A "fellow competitor" is any person with whom the competitor plays. A competitor is the opposite of a partner.
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CROSS-BUNKER: A narrow bunker that crosses a hole at a right angle to the player's line of flight to the green.
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DORMIE: A situation in match play when a player or a side is ahead by the amount of holes remaining to be played. In such a case, the trailing player or side must win the remaining holes to tie or come out even.
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DOUBLE BOGEY: A score of two over par for a single hole.
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DOUBLE EAGLE: A score of three under par for a single hole. Also called an albatross.
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EAGLE: A score of two under par for a single hole.
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FRIED EGG: A ball that is buried in the sand. Also called a plugged lie.
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FROG HAIR: The short grass that borders the putting green. Also called the fringe.
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GIMMEE: A short putt usually two feet of less that a friendly opponent declares does not have to be holed out. Not allowed in stroke play tournaments or championships.
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GROUND UNDER REPAIR: Any portion of the course so marked by order of the Committee or authorized representative.
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HAZARD: A hazard is any bunker (sand trap) or water hazard.
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HITTING IT FAT: Hitting the ground behind the ball first, causing an embarrassing big divot with the ball going a short distance.
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HONOR: The side entitled to play first from the next teeing ground is said to have the "honor".
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IN THE LEATHER: A putt closer to the hole than the distance between the putter's head and its grip. In friendly match play, an opponent may declare such a putt a "gimme".
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LATERAL WATER HAZARD: Is a water hazard or that part of the water hazard so situated that it is not possible or impracticable to drop a ball behind it. It usually runs parallel to the line of play towards the hole and is marked by red stakes or lines on the ground.
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LOB SHOT: A short, high shot with a lob wedge with about 60 degrees loft.
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LOST BALL: A ball is lost if it is not found or identified as the player's ball within five minutes after the search for it begins. It is a good idea to hit a provisional ball if the player thinks his/her ball may be lost.
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MULLIGAN: A second shot off the tee, often permitted in a casual round and usually only on the first tee. During some charitable or money-generating tournaments, mulligans are sold to generate additional income and may be used on certain holes or any hole, depending on the rules of that particular tournament.
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OUT OF BOUNDS: Is ground on which play is prohibited. It is not part of the course and marked by white stakes, lines, or as designated on the scorecard (could be a fence, ditch, line of trees indicating property boundaries, etc,)
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OUTSIDE AGENCY: An agency not part of the match or side and includes a referee, marker, observer or a forecaddie, birds, other animals, maintenance equipment, and the like. Neither the wind or water are outside agencies.
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PAR: The designated score on the scorecard for a single hole or for the course total.
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PARTNER: A player associated with any player on the same side.
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PENALTY STROKE: Is one added to the score of a player or side under certain Rules.
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POT BUNKER: A small, deep bunker (sand trap).
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PROVISIONAL BALL: A ball played (under Rule 27-2) for a ball which may be lost outside a water hazard or may be out of bounds.
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QUAIL HIGH: A long shot that has a low trajectory. Also called a bullet or boring shot.
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RABBIT: A topped shot that bounces erratically. Also called a scooter, grounder, or screamer.
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RAINMAKER: A ball hit underneath that goes almost straight up and very high into the air.
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RUB OF THE GREEN: When a ball in motion is stopped or deflected by an "outside agency". In other words, there is no penalty and the ball must be played is it lies. It is just "tough luck"! .
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RULE(S): Includes USGA Rules of Golf and includes Local Rules made by the Committee or listed on the course scorecard.
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SIDE: A player, or two or more players who are partners. (See "Sides and Matches" for a complete definition under Section II, Definitions, in the USGA Rules of Golf).
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SKULLING: Hitting a chip of pitch shot too hard or high on the ball sending the ball past the green or target.
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SKYWRITING: The act of making a loop or circle with the club head at the top of the backswing.

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STANCE: Taking a stance consists in a player placing his/her feet in position for and preparatory to making a stroke.
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STONY: A shot where the ball lands close to the flagstick of "stone close". A great shot and also called "stiff" or "stiffing it".
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STROKE: Is the forward movement of the club made with the intention of fairly striking at and moving the ball; but, if a player checks his/her downswing voluntarily before the clubhead reaches the ball, he/she is deemed not to have made a stroke.
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TEE or TEEING GROUND: Is the starting place for the hole to be played. It is rectangular area two club-lengths in depth, with the front and sides defined by two tee markers.
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THROUGH THE GREEN: Is the whole area of the course except: the teeing ground and putting green of the hole being played, and all hazards on the course..
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TRIPLE BOGEY: A score of three over par for a single hole. (Not good, but better than a quadruple bogey or worse!).
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WATER HAZARD: Is any sea, lake, pond, river, ditch, surface drainage ditch or other open water course (whether or not containing water) and anything of a similar nature.
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WHIFF: A swing that misses the ball completely.
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WRONG BALL: Is any ball other than the player's ball in play, provisional ball or second ball played.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: cemc.org

GOLF QUOTES
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The average golfer doesn't play golf. He attacks it! ~ Jackie Burke
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Golf is a game of expletives not deleted. ~ Dr. Irving A. Gladstone
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You have to make corrections in your game a little bit at a time. It's like taking your medicine. A few aspirin will probably cure what ails you, but the whole bottle might just kill you.~ Harvey Penick
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I may be the only golfer never to have broken a single putter, if you don't count the one I twisted into a loop and threw into a bush. ~ Thomas Boswell
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If you pick up a golfer and hold it close to your ear, like a conch shell, and listen, you will hear an alibi. ~ Fred Beck
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Mulligan: invented by an Irishman who wanted to hit one more twenty-yard grounder!~ Jim Bishop
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I say this without reservations whatsoever: It is impossible to outplay an opponent you can't outthink. ~ Lawson Little
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Give me a man with big hands, big feet, and no brains and I will make a golfer out of him!~ Walter Hagen
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When you reflect on the combination of characteristics that golf demands of those who presume to play it, it is not surprising that golf has never had a truly great player who was not also a person of extraordinary character. ~ Frank D. "Sandy" Tatum, Jr.
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The hardest shot is a mashie (a golf club with medium loft) at ninety yards from the green, where the ball has to be played against an oak tree, bounced back into a sand trap, hits a stone, bounces on the green, and then rolls into the cup. That is so difficult I have only made it once!~ Zeppo Marx
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Charley hits some good woods - most of them are trees!~ Glen Campbell on his friend Charley Pride
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Anyone who criticizes a golf course is like a person invited to a house for dinner who, on leaving, tells the host that the food was lousy. ~ Gary Player
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A golf course is the epitome of all that is purely transitory in the universe, a space not to dwell in, but to get over as quickly as possible! ~ Jean Giraudoux
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If your adversary is a hole or two down, there is no serious cause for alarm in his complaining of a severely sprained wrist... Should he happen to win the next hole, these symptoms will in all probability less troublesome! ~ Horace G. Hutchinson
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Baffling late-life discovery: Golfers wear those awful clothes on purpose. ~ Herb Caen
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The golfer has more enemies than any other athlete. He has fourteen clubs in his bag, all of them different; eighteen holes to play, all of them different, every week; and all around him are sand, trees, grass, water, wind, and 143 other players. In addition, the game is 50 percent mental, so his biggest enemy is himself! ~ Dan Jenkins
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Like life, golf can be humbling. However, little good comes from brooding about mistakes we've made. The next shot, in golf or life, is the big one! ~ Grantland Rice
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Keep on hitting it straight until the "wee ball" goes in the hole! ~ James Braid
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"There's only one way to play the game. You might as well praise a man for not robbing a bank as to praise him for playing by the rules." ~ Robert Tyre Jones known as Bobby Jones, one of the greatest, if not the greatest amateur golfers of all time. No one exemplified good sportsmanship than Bobby Jones, who made the above statement at the 1925 U.S. Open, when a asked about calling a penalty on himself when the ball moved as he addressed the ball. No one else had seen it move. That penalty ended up costing him the championship.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: baltimoreexaminer.com

SPORTS QUOTES

"They should be easy to spot. We're not going to see a lot of
head-first slides anymore."
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FOX baseball announcer Joe Buck joking with David Letterman about
a report on the number of MLB players now using Viagara.

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"When I heard it, it was like, ` I can't believe he said that.`
What am I going to do, holler and scream at him? Johnny's
fine. He says what's on his mind and shoots from the hip
and then fixes it later. I do that a lot."
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PGA golfer Rocco Mediate responding to Johnny Miller's
comment that he looks like someone who should be cleaning
Tiger Woods' pool.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: bartleby.com

SPORTS QUOTES

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AUTHOR: Tom Callahan
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QUOTATION: The America’s Cup, yachting’s great and garish grail, is a tumorous tureen no handsomer than a camel.
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ATTRIBUTION: “Going for the Cup” ib 9 Feb 87
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AUTHOR: Jimmy Cannon
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QUOTATION: A sportswriter is entombed in a prolonged boyhood.
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ATTRIBUTION: Quoted in Jerome Holtzman ed No Cheering in the Press Box Holt 74
======================
AUTHOR: John Cheever
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QUOTATION: All literary men are Red Sox fans—to be a Yankee fan in a literate society is to endanger your life.
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ATTRIBUTION: Quoted in Newsweek 20 Oct 86
========================
AUTHOR: Bud Collins
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QUOTATION: Benoit should get one adult first prize ($41,000 and a Mercedes sedan) if she wins, plus one child’s portion ($20,500 and a stroller).
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ATTRIBUTION: On Joan Benoit’s decision to run in the Boston Marathon while pregnant, Boston Globe 27 Mar 87
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AUTHOR: John Crosby
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QUOTATION: If they hit the ball out, they’d say “Sorry.” If they hit it in but too hot for me to handle, they’d say “Sorry.” If it was too well hit, they were sorry; too badly hit, they were sorry.
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ATTRIBUTION: On playing tennis in England, NY Herald Tribune 4 Nov 63
======================
AUTHOR: Mario Cuomo, Governor of NY
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QUOTATION: It was anticipating self-defense.
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ATTRIBUTION: On why he once hit a catcher in the face mask while playing minor league baseball, CBS TV 30 Dec 84
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AUTHOR: Richard L Curry, Judge, Cook County Circuit Court, Chicago
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QUOTATION: Do those who schedule play time / For the games of our national pastime / Have the right to interfere with bedtime / By starting the game at nighttime / Instead of the customary daytime?
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ATTRIBUTION: Upholding ban against lighting Chicago’s Wrigley Field, Christian Science Monitor 3 Apr 85
======================
AUTHOR: Dennis Diaz
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QUOTATION: I fished a lot, dove a lot, boated a lot—and made Johnny Walker Red about a quarter of a million dollars richer.
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ATTRIBUTION: On why he started breeding horses, including 1985 Kentucky Derby winner Spend a Buck, two years after his retirement at age 38, People 20 May 85
======================
AUTHOR: Phil Donahue
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QUOTATION: It’s like threading a needle while walking on a water bed.
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ATTRIBUTION: On detecting drug use by athletes, NBC TV 23 Mar 87
=======================
AUTHOR: Bill Emerson
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QUOTATION: A bicycle does get you there and more … And there is always the thin edge of danger to keep you alert and comfortably apprehensive. Dogs become dogs again and snap at your raincoat; potholes become personal. And getting there is all the fun.
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ATTRIBUTION: On bicycling, Saturday Evening Post 29 Jul 67
========================
AUTHOR: William Faulkner
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QUOTATION: There is something about jumping a horse over a fence, something that makes you feel good. Perhaps it’s the risk, the gamble. In any event it’s a thing I need.
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ATTRIBUTION: National Observer 3 Feb 64
=========================
AUTHOR: James Fixx
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QUOTATION: [Eventually the] hoopla will die down [and people will] run the same way we brush our teeth—every day, without a fuss.
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ATTRIBUTION: The Complete Book of Running Random House 77, recalled on his death, Newsweek 30 Jul 84
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AUTHOR: Gerald R Ford, 38th US President
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QUOTATION: The pat on the back, the arm around the shoulder, the praise for what was done right and the sympathetic nod for what wasn’t are as much a part of golf as life itself.
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ATTRIBUTION: At dedication of World Golf Hall of Fame, Pinehurst NC, NY Times 12 Sep 74
==========================
AUTHOR: Ashrita Furman
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QUOTATION: Everything is in slow motion down there and silent. It could replace psychotherapy.
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ATTRIBUTION: On aqua pogo, NY Times 22 Mar 86
===========================
AUTHOR: Clara Germani
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QUOTATION: Their tails are high and tongues awag—the twin banners of sled dog contentment. .
ATTRIBUTION: On Alaskan Huskies in thousand-mile sled dog race following the Klondike gold rush trail, Christian Science Monitor 29 Jan 85
===========================
AUTHOR: Richard Gilman
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QUOTATION: Being a sports fan is a complex matter, in part irrational … but not unworthy … a relief from the seriousness of the real world, with its unending pressures and often grave obligations.
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ATTRIBUTION: “The Wounded Giant Regains His Dignity” NY Times 25 Jan 87
==========================
AUTHOR: Richard Gilman
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QUOTATION: The Giants will always represent New York [in] the sort of in-your-face move that being in the Super Bowl presents to the way the rest of the country mostly thinks of us: huge, cold, rich, conceited, unnatural, deserving therefore of all our misfortunes.
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ATTRIBUTION: “The Wounded Giant Regains His Dignity” NY Times 25 Jan 87
========================
AUTHOR: Hank Greenberg
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QUOTATION: The Pied Piper … enjoyed people enjoying themselves. He was colorblind and race-blind and religion-blind.
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ATTRIBUTION: On Bill Veeck, owner of Chicago White Sox, NY Times 4 Jan 86
=======================

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: kingmech.com

GOLF QUOTES
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The ball's got to stop somewhere. It might as well be at the bottom of the hole
Lee Trevino (on putting)
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Nothing goes down slower than a golf handicap.
Bobby Nichols
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Golf is the hardest game in the world. There's no way you can ever get it. Just when you think you do, the game jumps up and puts you into your place.
Ben Crenshaw
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When you play the game for fun, it's fun. When you play it for a living, it's a game of sorrows. Gary Player
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In golf, humiliations are the essence of the game.
Alistair Cooke
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It's a tan like mine. It tells you the player is spending a lot of time out on the fairway and the greens--and not in the trees!
Lee Trevino
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On the golf course, a man may be the dogged victim of inexorable fate, be struck down by an appalling stroke of tragedy, become the hero of unbelievable melodrama, or the clown in a side-splitting comedy.
Bobby Jones
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Thinking instead of acting is the No. One Golf Disease.
Sam Snead
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He plays just like a union man. He negotiates the final score.
Bob Hope (on George Meany)
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My God, he looks like he's beating a chicken!
Byron Nelson (on Jack Lemmon's swing)
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I never knew what top golf was like until I turned professional. Then it was too late.
Steve Melnyk
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Around a clubhouse they'll tell you even God has to practice his putting. In fact, even Nicklaus does.
Jim Murray
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One of the nice things about the Senior Tour is that we can take a cart and cooler. If your game is not going well, you can always have a picnic.
Lee Trevino
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The truly great things happen when a genius is alone. This is true especially among golfers.
J.R. Coulson
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I sure was glad I ran out of holes. I looked down at my hands and arms to see if it was me when I finished with the score.
Don January
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The winds were blowing 50 mph and gusting to 70. I hit a par 3 with my hat.
Chi Chi Rodriguez (on the windy course in Scotland)
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Golf is assuredly a mystifying game. It would seem that if a person has hit a golf ball correctly a thousand times, he should be able to duplicate the performance at will. But such is certainly not the case.
Bobby Jones
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Most golfers prepare for disaster. A good golfer prepares for success.
Bob Toski
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Hagen said that no one remembers who finished second. But they still ask me if I ever think about that putt I missed to win the 1970 Open at St. Andrews. I tell them that sometimes it doesn't cross my mind for a full five minutes.
Doug Sanders
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All good players have good hands. And I'm afraid you have to be born with them.
Dave Stockton
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Beyond the fact that it is a limitless arena for the full play of human nature, there is no sure accounting for golf's fascination.... Perhaps it is nothing more than the best game man has ever devised.
Herbert Warren Wind
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Everyone has his own choking level, a level at which he fails to play his normal golf. As you get more experienced, your choking level rises.
Johnny Miller
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Golf is neither a microcosm nor a metaphor for life. It is a sport, a bloodless sport, if you don't count ulcers.
Dick Schaap
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There is no movement in the hole swing so difficult that it cannot be made even more difficult by careful study and diligent practice.
Thomas Mulligan
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Do I ever disagree with him on course strategy? NEVER-- unless he's wrong.
Gary Nicklaus (on caddying for his father)
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Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible for a hole in one.
Martha Beckman
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The reason the Road Hole is the greatest par 4 in the world is because it's a par 5!
Ben Crenshaw (on the seventeenth hole at St. Andrews)
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After an abominable round of golf, a man is known to have slit his wrists with a razor blade and, having bandaged them, to have stumbled into the locker room and enquired of his partner, "What time tomorrow?
Alistair Cooke
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I've lost balls in every hazard and on every course I've tried. But when I lose a ball in the ball washer it's time to take stock.
Milton Gross
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It could be worse; I could be allergic to beer. Greg Norman (on being allergic to grass)

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: timworstall.typepad.com

Image: blogsmithmedia.com
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MOUNTAIN CLIMBING NEWS
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Sports Bra Saves A Life
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A 24 year old Colorado woman saved her life by using her sports bra in an imaginative way. Jessica Bruinsma fell over the side of a cliff while hiking in the Bavarian Alps, it was only after three days that her tenacity and ingenuity led to her rescue from a remote mountain area in southern Germany.
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When she fell on the 16th of June, she landed on a small overhang, where she was to remain for the next 70 or so hours, suffering from a dislocated shoulder and severe bruising. From the overhang she noticed a timber transit system, she attached her bra, which went down the slope and alerted a workman who contacted the police which led to a change in the area being searched.
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Jessica was soon rescued, her sister Elana Bruinsma said "We're going to have a party for her every June 19, and give her some new bras."

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: uti.com

MANUTE BOL (L) AND MUGGSY BOGUES (R)

Image: lh3.ggpht.com

BASKETBALL INSULTS

As much as people like to talk about the purity of competition, let's face it, trash talk belongs. It's teasing, it's bragging, and to be perfectly honest, it's fun. There's a lot of funny stuff out there, which is where trash talk goes from being some asshole shooting off his mouth and into the realm of an actual art form. It is this art form that is the lynchpin of the game of BASEketball.

Trash talk is done to entertain the others in attendance and to shake the target player so he is incapable of doing his job of putting the ball in the basket. Here's some classic trash talk lines and events.

For starters, Williams probably never played against Duke University. The Dukies, as they are sometimes called, are the toughest crowd. Anyone who can play in Cameron Indoor Stadium and not get rattled doesn't belong in basketball, they belong in bomb disposal.

Bobby Knight, the coach of Indiana University's college basketball team, once had another of his childish temper tantrums and threw a chair onto the court. In 1992 during the Final Four, the Dukies chanted "Chair! Chair! Chair!" at Knight.

North Carolina State is the Dukies' archenemies, and saved some vicious jabs for them, as recalled by the chant, "If you can't go to college, go to State! If you can't go to State, go to jail!" Jim Valvano is a good guy coach for NC State who enjoys working the crowd. The Dukies chanted, "Sit! Sit! Sit!" When he did, the Dukies chanted, "Roll over! Roll over! Roll over!"

When the NC State team got a backroom shoe deal, Dukies threw dozens of shoes on the court during the team's introduction. One player that lost 30 pounds in the off-season was subjected to a shower of Twinkies, doughnuts, and other sweets. One player was charged with stealing pizzas from a delivery man, and the Dukies showered him with empty pizza boxes. NC State's Steve Hale had breathing problems in one game, and one half of the stadium chanted, "In-hale!" while the other chanted "Ex-hale!" Eric Montross was State's seven foot tall center, and fell into the Dukies crosshairs. In 1992, the Dukies printed up a phony version of the State student newspaper. The front page had a huge empty space, with a caption reading, "This big useless white space was placed here to remind you of Eric Montross."

Nevada--Las Vegas made the 1990 Finals against the Dukies with a tough team but suspicious grades and test scores. The Dukies' Blue Devil mascot marched around the court with a sign that said, "Welcome fellow scholars." The Runnin' Rebs beat Duke 103-73. Columnist Allan Malamud wrote of the Dukies in the game, "Duke couldn't even execute the high five properly."

After Stacey King of the Chicago Bulls got only one rebound in two games, assistant coach John Bach said, "A two-year-old could get hit in the head with more rebounds than that." Sportwriter Jack McCallum did Bach one better: "[King] can't guard a safe when it's stationed more than five feet from the basket."

Wayman Tinsdale of the Sacramento Kings said of the Michael Jordan Bulls, "When he's not in there, they're pretty much a joke." Doug Moe, a coach who faced Jordan, said, "Jordan must be a great player to win it with so many stiffs."

The Detroit Pistons became a team known not for aggressive play but for brutish play. Henry Schulman wrote of the Bad Boys Of Detroit, who helped turn basketball into a thug contest, "If you laid Bill Laimbeer, Dennis Rodman, and the rest of the Detroit Pistons end to end in the Mojave Desert, it would be a good idea to leave them there."

Bob Costas and Pat Riley, covering a game with the Pistons at halftime, had this exchange: COSTAS: Well, one look at our Cheap Shot Scoreboard shows the Pistons up 8-1. Rodman is having a fine half with five, and Laimbeer is running second with two. What do you think, Pat?" RILEY: Well, every time Chicago has the ball, five Pistons are committing fouls. It's as if to say, "Well, the officials can only call one at a time, so we get away with four."

You know, Michael Jordan said before the game, "People want to push this kind of basketball out." The Bulls are 24 minutes away from doing just that. Kurt Rambis said of Bill Laimbeer (a.k.a. The Prince Of Darkness, His Heinous, Ax Murderer, The Consumate Provacatuer), "I assume his parents like him. But you'd have to verify that." The legendary Sir Charles Barkley was constantly getting into scrums with Laimbeer. Not a lot of people liked Barkley, but Utah Jazz GM Frank Layden was quoted as saying, "I would gladly chip in and pay part of his fines every time he smacks Bill Laimbeer."

Sportswriter Tim Sullivan, writing about the NBA moving the Finals to pay-per-view, "The NBA Finals is worth about $10 per game unless it involves Michael Jordan ($20) or Bill Laimbeer ($2)." Jan Hubbard wrote of him, "Detroit center Bill Laimbeer was considering seeking an injuction against the Olympic selection process because he was deprived of a chance to make the team. Laimbeer said that as a tax-paying citizen, he should have had the opportunity to try out for the team. It would have been great if he could have tried out for the team, because then he would have been excluded on merit rather than logic."

Bob Bellotti said of poor defending Charles Jones, "He ought to have a road sign that says THIS LANE OPEN tacked to his jersey."

Close to the end of a Finals game against the Utah Jazz, the Bulls fouled Karl "The Mailman" Malone, sending him to the free throw line for two points. If he made one basket, the score would be tied and, with the clock winding down, send the game into overtime. If he made both, the Jazz would be in the lead and could possibly win it. The game was being played on a Sunday night. As the different Bulls and Jazz players took their places along the key, Scottie Pippen said to Karl Malone as he passed him, "The Mailman doesn't deliver on Sundays." Malone clanked both shots and the Bulls won.

When Tom Tolbert of the Golden State Warriors got a new haircut, George Shirk said, "It looks like a bobcat is perched on his head."

Arkansas coach Nolan Richardson watched Anfernee Hardaway and said, "If you took Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, and Michael Jordan, and rolled them all together, that's the way I see Hardaway." At which point, Tony Kornheiser said, "Nolan, here's cab fare. Go to an ophthamologist."

The Miami Heat were once referred to as the Miami Sleet because their shooting was ice cold. After one game where they blew a big lead against the Celtics, center John Salley said, "We played like a bunch of college girls." A Celtic responded, "I guess John hasn't been watching TV lately. He's not half as good as some of those college girls."

Sir Charles Barkley gives as good as he gets. Because his weight shoots up and down so much, he was called a variety of names when he neared his Auburn college weight of 330 pounds. His accepted nickname is the Round Mound Of Rebound, but he's also been called Love Boat, Porky Pig On A Trampoline, Food World, Runaway Bread Truck, Fatboy, Crisco Kid, Amana, Doughboy, Boy Gorge, Goodtime Blimp, Tons Of Fun, and the Leaning Tower Of Pizza. That last one is because his favorite food is pizza. In fact, at least once, the opposing team had a pizza delivered to him when he was sitting on the bench.

One guy he jawed with was Oliver Miller, whose weight hit 335 pounds as was called Cheeseburger, Porky, Whale, and the Big O. When Miller said Sir Charles set a bad example on the court, Barkley fired back, "You can't even jump high enough to touch the rim unless they put a Big Mac on it." Barkley once said he would like to play football when he retired from basketball, and his teammate Rick Mahorn said, "With that head of yours, all you'll need is a chin strap." A fan once yelled at Sir Charles, "You're never going to get a championship ring! Never!" Barkley responded, "I have $20 million, so I can afford to buy one."

Refs get into the act, too. Golden State Warriors team doctor Robert Albo lit into NBA ref Joey Crawford during a game, saying the guy was doing a terrible job calling the game. This wasn't a one time thing either, he kept it up throughout the game until Crawford turned to him and said, "Hey, doc! At least I don't bury my mistakes!" That shut him up.

When Danny Ainge was playing for Sacramento, he injured his back. Dick Motta commented, "Ainge hurt his back picking up a suitcase. It must have had his contract in it."

During the 1990 NBA Finals between the Detroit Pistons and the Portland Trailblazers, the Detroit News wrote, "Portland's image is pretty well captured by its mayor, Bud Clark, a tavern owner who posed as a flasher in a promotion for the local arts community a few years back. The poster showed Mr. Clark, back to the camera, raincoat wide open, flashing a sculpture above the slogan, 'Expose Yourself To Art.'" The Portland Oregonian responded, "Detroit's image is pretty well captured by its mayor, Coleman Young, who recently won reelection after losing a paternity suit. When Detroit exposes itself, it's not to art."

Jan Hubbard wrote, "The Mavericks' Rolando Blackman scored more than the entire Knicks backcourt last week, and he was out injured."

When a jump ball was called between 5'3" Muggsy Bogues and 5'10" Michael Adams, broadcaster Dan Issel said, "This will be the first time in the history of the league that the referee drops the ball."

A fan once said, "The Portland Trailblazers couldn't pass the SAT if they all got together and combined their scores."

When Danny Ainge, then of the Trailblazers, played a game where they slammed the Los Angeles Lakers, Ainger said to the LA bench, "I hope we see you whores back up here next week."

Rick Mahorn once grabbed a extra-large Hefty garbage bag, waved it at teammate Darryl Dawkins, and said, "Hey, Dawkins! I found your mama's underpants!"

During a game, Gary Payton told Michael Jordan, "Hey, Michael! I've got my millions and I'm buying my Ferraris and Testarossas, too!" Jordan replied, "No problem. I get them for free."

When Magic Johnson tried coming back to basketball after being diagnosed with AIDS, A.C. Green of Magic's Lakers team didn't think he deserved to be there. "He's got to prove he can beat me in practice first." This remarkable arrogance was trounced by Bruce Jenkins saying that asking Magic to prove himself to a basketball pushover like Green is "like telling General MacArthur: 'Forget about the Philippines thing. We want to see you take Fresno.'"

Terry Boers wrote, "Insiders claim that Arizona coach Lute Olson has made no friends in the Pac-10. Knowing Olson, that's not really a surprise."

Rotisserie League Basketball is a bunch of really funny guys. Here's who they have written about and what they wrote.

Craig Hodges--"He proved he can bury the three with the best by making 19 straight at the All Star Game's three-point shooting contest. Now if the NBA would just get rid of those defensive players."

Patrick Ewing and his 1990-1 season--"Ewing did more bitching than Leona Helmsley, demanded more money than Ivana Trump, and was as effective a leader as David Dinkins."

Danny Ainge--"He is still a fine white whine, but no longer improving with age."

Mookie Blaylock--"Mookie Brainlock."

Danny Ferry, a.k.a. The Great White Hype--"We were misquoted. We never said he'd be the second coming of Magic Johnson. We said he would be the second coming of Lady Bird Johnson and, given his performance, we feel vindicated."

Mark Jackson--"Inaction Jackson was suspended for two games last season after declaring that the game wasn't fun anymore. He should see it from where we sit."

Gerald Wilkins--"Upon kissing the tarmac on U.S. soil, American POWs told harrowing tales of how their Iraqi captors, in violation of the Geneva convention, forced them to watch films of Wilkins leading the Knick fast break."

Mike Gminski--"Alas for Gminski, the ball rarely goes inski."

Joe Kleine--"A rabid fan of The Andy Griffith Show, he looks like Otis, rebounds like Aunt Bee, spends more time sitting on his butt than Floyd the Barber, and like Barney, is not allowed to shoot."

Dan Schayes--"The good news--he has finally begun to play like Dolph. The bad news--Dolph is 63 years old."

Michael Adams, who spent a lot of time on the Disabled List--"The Michael Adams doll--pull his string, he pulls his hamstrings."

Jon Koncak--"Never one to run his mouth or feign injury, Koncak simply goes out and gets you 4 points and 4 rebounds every single night."

Byron Scott--"Like the absorbent paper towel for which he's named, this Scott is starting to suck."

Joe Wolf--"Last year we told you that Wolf, a native of Kohler, Wisconsin, the Urinal Capital Of The World, had trouble spraying his shots. This year, we regret to inform you that dribbling is also a problem for Joe."

Jerry Reynolds--"Orlando hosts the Ice Follies every time Jerry Reynolds throws up a shot."

Scott Roth--"He broke his nose for the ninth time last season. Alas, his shot is no straighter than his septum."

Reggie Theus--"He doesn't really guard people at all, does he? Why is he called a guard? Shouldn't there be another name for him?"

Karl Malone, also called "The Mailman", and Joe Barry Carroll, also called "Joe Barely Cares" because of his unenthusiastic play--"[Carroll] is the real Mailman: He's slow, doesn't deliver, and is surrounded by dogs."

Charles Smith--"There is no truth to the rumor that Smith had kidney stones last season, and still didn't want to pass."

Kenny Walker--"In case you missed the episode of Unsolved Mysteries that was devoted to the subject, scientists now believe that Walker's head is not sporting a hairdo at all; instead, they theorize, the Walkman is wearing a bishop's mitre, made from human hair."

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: uti.com

Image: blog.kir.com

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BASKETBALL QUOTES \ INSULTS

4-21-00
Yeah, yeah, the finals are beginning this weekend. Sure. But I don't want to start off talking about that. I want to talk about one of my favorite players leaving the game.

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Sir Charles Barkley has played in the NBA for 16 years. I never grew tired of him. Confrontational, controversial, but never dull, and never a phony. The league has lost a lot of personality with his departure.

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To commemorate the depature of Charles Barkley, The Round Mound Of Rebound, I would like to share some of my favorite quotes from him. I collected them, and felt grateful when "The Wit And Wisdom Of Charles Barkley" was released.

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Sure, I shook my head when he said he was misquoted in his autobiography (in case you're reading this, Mr. Barkley, repeat after me--"typo, typo, typo...."), but that was part and parcel with him. He never threw the first punch, and always came out, if not on top, then better than if he had just let things roll over him. A lot of this is from that book, and some from "Talkin' Trash" by Kevin Nelson, some from the paper, but all came from The Mouth That Roared.

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"I don't think there's any doubt. Anybody in their right mind knows I'm the best forward in basketball. Well, the only person comparable to me is Karl Malone, but his body is so different from mine. Even my wife loves his body, and that's the main reason I say I'm the best. With a body like that, he is supposed to be awesome. With a body like mine, I'm supposed to be a couch potato."

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On losing weight: "I cut down to six meals a day."

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When the Philadelphia 76ers got new uniforms: "They look like my daughter got ahold of some crayons and designed them."

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"You can't compare preseason to regular season. Preseason is just a way to screw fans out of money."

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In 1991, he summed up the Indiana Pacers like so: "They could be scary if they ever learn how to play basketball, which they haven't yet."

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Regarding Alvin Robertson of the Bucks: "Referees let him get away with more hand-checking than a prostitute."

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"These guys who have three or four babies by different women should have their balls cut off."

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Summing up management for the Philadelphia 76ers: "We can't have beer in the locker rooms. I can't have a beer after I run up and down the court for two hours, but they're going to serve it to the guy who's got a wife and two kids to drive home. That is so gutless. They're only concerned about making money."

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When the 76ers were on a losing streak: "Where's the strike when you really need it?"

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"Mark Jackson says he loves his fiancee so much he would give up basketball for her. Not me. I love my wife but she can't pay the bills like this NBA money can. I'd have to pick John Nash (general manager at the time of the 76ers, Barkley's then-team) over her."

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During the 1992 Olympics in Spain: "I really miss America. I miss hearing if anybody's shot somebody lately."

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Also at that time, "Christian (Laettner) is going to be the strongest man in the NBA next year, because all he's been doing all summer is carrying around the luggage for 11 guys."

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"New York is my kind of town, because I have a gun."

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Fan in the stands: "You're never going to get a championship ring--never!" Sir Charles: "That's okay, I have $20 million, so I can afford to buy one."

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After fighting with Bill Laimbeer and getting suspended, costing him $22,000 in fines and $31,700 in pay for not playing: "I don't care if I get fined. I make $3 million. What's a couple of thousand dollars?"

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After a Phoenix exhibition game in Europe, he was asked which players impressed him: "No. 5, No. 11, No. 14."

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After a six-game road trip that took eleven days: "You pay as much for a house as I did, you might as well spend time in it."

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Farewell, Charles. Us real fans will always remember you.