SPECIAL EDITORIAL NOTE FROM SPORTS_NUT, 2/26/2011
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Welcome to the retirement edition of Funny Sports Quotes.
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The Funny Sports Quotes blog was created in 11/2007 after I could see I could become a blogger very easily using Google's 3-step process for creating a blog online.
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For me, like most, work is not my idea of a fun experience, so I had to choose the topic that I would most enjoy pursuing and that, for me, was finding and posting funny sports quotes for entertaining and, in some cases, educating an audience on facets of sports even the most ardent sports fans may not have been aware of.
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At the same time, I decided to compile a database of funny sports quotes that sports fans and quote fans could visit for "one-stop" shopping, thereby helping them to avoid the need to search elsewhere for sports quotes.
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So, from 11/2007 until 2/2011. I have compiled quotes on the Funny Sports Quotes blog and its sister blog, FSQuotes, that is accessible only from the Funny Sports Quotes blog.
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As of 2/26/2011, I believe I have achieved my objective first set in 11/2007, which signals for me the end of my funny sports quotes database project.
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Kindly note that I have already made the last post (SI Swimsuit) to the blog, shut off further entries to Comments, and I will shut off the email address sports.quotes@gmail.com on 03/14/2011.
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Also note that many features previously cited on this page have been removed, so that a bare-bones FSQ remains for your future reference.
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I do hope that my venture was successful in bringing a smile to your face or a skip to your step, since that was all FSQ was created for, your entertainment and pleasure.
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In closing, I wish you and yours, Godspeed!
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Monday, February 4, 2008

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: golflessonsfrmhome.com

Golf Quotes

Here are some pertinent, funny and deep quotes from the world of golf.

" I think I fail a bit less than everyone else." Jack Nicklaus

"That's life. The older you get, the tougher it is to score." Bob Hope

"It's difficult to excel at something you don't truly enjoy." Jack Nicklaus

"Do I have to know rules and all that crap? then forget it." John Daly

"So in the summer of 1968, a young golfer from Texas experienced something that would forever change his life. Not only did I fall in love with formal tournament competition, but I was enraptured with so many other facets of the game; the different courses, the people, the history and traditions." Ben Crenshaw.

"This place [Augusta National] rejects me like a skin transplant." Lee Travino

"The fairways were so narrow you had to walk down them single file." Sam Snead

"How about a little noise. How do you expect a man to putt?" Babe Ruth

I still sweat. My guts are still grinding out there. Sometimes I have enough cotton in my mouth to knit a sweater." Lee Travino

"You've got to be rich to have a swing like that." Bob Hope

"There are no maladies in my golf game. My golf game stinks." Jack Nicklaus

"Until you play it, St. Andrews looks like the sort of real estate you couldn't give away." Sam Snead

"My best score ever is 103, but I've only been playing 15 years." Alex Karras

"Never give golf an ultimatum unless you're prepared to lose." Abigail Van Buren

"What a shame to waste those great shots on the practice tee." Walter Lippman


"It is impossible to imagine Gothe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf." Henry Louis Mencken


"When Tiger was six months old, he would sit in our garage, watching me hit balls into a net. He had been assimilating his golf swing. When he got out of the high chair, he had a golf swing." Earl Woods

"All I've got against golf is it takes you so far from the clubhouse." Eric Linklater

"Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?" Bob Hope

"My God, he looks like he's beating a chicken." Byron Nelson referring to Jack Lemon

"If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out." Paul Gallico

"Every shot counts. The three-foot putt is just as important as the 300 yard drive." Henry Cotton

"No one has ever conquered this game. One week out there and you are God, next time you are the devil. but it does keep you coming back.: Juli Inkster

"Is\t is the constant and undying hope for improvement that makes golf so exquisitely worth playing." Bernard Darwin

Concentrate, play your game and don't be afraid to win." Amy Strum Alcott

"It's not enough to swing at the ball. You've got to loosen your girdle and really let the ball have it." Babe Didrikson

"I don't think he's in any sort of slump right now. I mean, I aspire to be in his slumps." Hal Sutton on tiger Woods, before the 2004 Ryder cup

"If I had cleared the trees and drove the green, it would've been a great shot." Sam Snead

"Faith sir, she looks like the Old Course." Tom Morris

"Golf will grow so long as it's fun." Tom Watson

"By the time you get to your ball, if you don't know what to do with it, try another sport." Julius Boros

"Golf is very much like a love affair, if you don't take it seriously, it's no fun, if you do, it breaks your heart. Don't break your heart but flirt with the possibility." Louise Suggs

"Rhythm is best expressed in any swing directed at a cigar stump or a dandelion." Grantland Rice

"Swinging at daisies is like playing electric guitar with a tennis racket: if it were that easy, we could all be Jerry Garcia. The ball changes everything." Michael Bamberger

"Swing hard in case you hit it." Dan Marino

"Practice puts brains in your muscles." Sam Snead

"Golf without Jones would be like France without Paris- leaderless, lightless and lonely." Herbert Warren Wind about Bobby Jones

"I miss. I miss. I miss. I make." Seve Ballesterous describing his four putt at Augusta's No. 16 in 1988

"To be truthful, I think golfers are overpaid. It's unreal, and I have trouble dealing with the guilt sometime." Colin Montgomerie

"The number eighteen is symbolically meaningful because it is the numerical equivalent of the Hebrew word chai, which means life." From To the Links

"The game embarrasses you until you feel inadequate." Ben Crenshaw

"I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. IF I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything would be perfect." Doug Sanders, former golf professional

"The trouble that most of find with the modern matched sets of clubs is that they don't really seem to know any more abou the game than the old ones did!" Robert Browning

"Papa, trust your swing." Note written by ten-year-old Qass Singh pinned to Vijay Singh's golf bag during the 2000 U.S.Masters (which Singh won)

"one of the most fascinating things about golf is how it reflects the cycle of life. No matter what you shoot, the next day you have to go back to the first tee and begin all over again and make yourself into something." Peter Jacobsen

"Take nine strokes off your score. Skip the last hole." Bob Hope

"I'm a golfaholic. And all the counseling in the world wouldn't help me." Lee Travino

"I don't want to be the best black player in the world or the best Asian player. I want to be the best golfer ever." Tiger Woods

"Years ago I had a 1-iron I could hit 260 yards through a doorway. Now I can hit it through the keyhole." Lee Travino

"Golf is tougher than my first wife." Ken Green

"I realized if I was going to be in this {pro golf} for the long haul, I needed to relax and enjoy the struggle, enjoy the moment" Ryan Moore

"The one stroke marks the difference between fame and oblivion." Samuel Parrish

"Golf is like solitaire. When you cheat, you cheat only yourself." Tony Lema

"Make friends with your caddie and the game will make friends with you." Stephen Potter

"Forget your opponents; always play against par." Sam Snead"

"I'm Playing like Tarzan - and scoring like Jane." Chi Chi Rodriguez

"Golf is an insurmountable game in which one attempts to put an insignificant ball into an obscure hole with an absurd weapon." Harry B. Trout

"Golfers should not fail to realize that is is a game of great traditions, of high ideals of sportsmanship, one in which a strict adherence to the rules is essential. Francis Quimet

"I don't know why golf has been my life for the past 30 years. It has been a burning passion for me. It's not the money. It's just being with these guys, playing the game." Dana Quigley

"Most golfers prepare for disaster. A good golfer prepares for success." Bob Toski

"The arc of your swing doesn't have a thing to do with the size of your heart." Carol Mann

"It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place this world is when one is playing golf." Robert Lynd

"Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postpones to riper years, the results may be serious." P.G. Wodehouse

"Golf is a fascinating game. it has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I cant play it." Ted Ray

"It's easy to see golf not as a game at all but as some whey-faced, nineteenth-century Presbyterian minister's fever dream of exorcism achieved through ritual and self-mortification." Bruce McCall

"If profanity had an influence on the golf flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is." Horace G. Hutchinson

"What other people may find in poetry or art museums, I find in the flight of a good drive." Arnold Palmer

"Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick." P.J. O'Rourke

"Golf gives you an insight into human nature, your own as well as your opponent's." Grantland Rice

"If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business." Joey Adams

"Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible for a hole in one." Martha Beckman

"When I die, Bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit." Anonymous

"In baseball you hit your home run over the right field fence, the left field fence, the center field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base." Ken Harrelson

"If I can hit a curveball, why can't I hit a ball that is standing still on a course?" Larry Nelson

"Golf balls are attracted to water as unerringly as the eye of a middle-aged man to a female bosom." Micheal Green

"If your opponent is playing several shots in vain attempt to extricate himself from a bunker, do not stand near him and audibly count his strokes. It would be justifiable homicide if he wound up his pitiable exhibition by applying his niblick to your head." Harry Vardon

"Real golfers, no matter what the provocation, never strike a caddie with the driver. The sand wedge is far more effective." Huxtable Pippey

A passion, an obsession, a romance, a nice acquaintanceship with trees, sand, and water." Bob Ryan

"Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course." Lee Travino

"They call it golf because all of the other four letter words were taken." Raymond Floyd

"When someone has a bad day like that on the golf course, you say, Greg, you look good, you look fantastic. I like your shoes, I like your pants, I like your.....well, the hats okay. I mean, you need to keep it light instead they say, Greg, what's next? Suicide? Alcoholism? Drugs? Bill Murray on the media's bludgeoning of Greg Norman after his 1996 Masters loss

" I love it. I don't know if I love it as much as Arnold Palmer, but I think I am close. I can't wait to get up in the mornings because I know I am going out to play golf. The game has been very good to me. Much has been said about when I am going to retire but i never will." Lee Travino

"I love it [practicing in Texas]. You can find anything. You can practice rain, you can practice wind, you can practice on hard pan, you can practice on lush gold courses, you can find all the conditions you will ever encounter in Texas." Tom Kite

"The first thing a television viewer realizes when watching a golf tournament is how the sport tends to make one inclined to whisper and avoid sudden movements such as walking to the refrigerator during a possible birdie putt." Peter Alfano

"[Jack Nicklaus] was the first to bring in course management. he could go to a course and tell you within one stroke what was going to win. He used to set his sights on that because he could shoot it. He was the only player I know who, if he decided he wanted to win a tournament, could go out and do it. no one will ever be as popular as Arnold Palmer and no one will ever come close to Jack as a player." Lee Travino

"You're looking up. that's your problem." Graffiti on the underside of the roof of cart 47 at Sea Scape Golf Course, Kitty Hawk, North Carolina

"When I play my best golf, I feel as if I'm in a fog, standing back watching the earth in orbit with a golf club in my hands." Mickey Wright

"A hole in one is amazing when you think of the different universes this white mass of molecules has to pass though on its way to the hole." Mac O'Grady

"Don't be in such a hurry. That little white ball isn't going to run away from you." Patty Berg

"Retire to what? I'm a golfer and a fisherman. I've got no place to retire to." Julius Boros

"Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet." Tommy Bolt

"Golf is not a game of good shots. It's a game of bad shots." Ben Hogan

"I get to play golf for a living. What more can you ask for- getting paid for doing what you love." Tiger Woods

"The secret of golf is to turn three shots into two." Bobby Jones

"Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I've played the game for 40 years and I still haven't the slightest idea how to play." Gary Player

"When Lee and Jack win, it's good for golf. When I win, it is better." Chi Chi Rodriguez

"I'm not out there just to be dancing around. I expect to win every time I tee up." Lee Travino

"Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much." Buddy Hacket

"He who owns he fastest golf cart never has a bad lie." Mickey Mantle

"A good deal of unnecessarily bad golf is played in this world." Harry Vardon

"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anyone who owns hideous clothing." Dave Barry

"Don Quixote would understand golf. It is the impossible dream" Jim Murray

"When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income" Chi Chi Rodriguez

"It is nothing new or original to say that golf is played one stroke at a time. But it took me many years to realize it" Bobby Jones

"If a course needs to be in great condition to be played effectively, then the design strategy is flawed" Tom Watson

"Arnold Palmer has what I call an "Eisenhower smile". Those two men, they'd smile and their whole faces would look so pleasant; it was like they were smiling all over" Byron Nelson

"I did envisage being this successful as a player, but not all the hysteria around it off the golf course" Tiger Woods

"I played with Tiger Woods and I probably felt like you would be out there with me. Tiger is getting it by me about 50 or 60 yards, so it makes you feel inferior with your ability to hit the ball." Greg Norman

"There isn't a flaw in his golf or his makeup. He will win more majors than Arnold Palmer and me combined. Somebody is going to dust my records. it might as well be Tiger, because he's such a great kid." Jack Nicklaus

"I see no reason why Tiger Woods won't become a great player. Man, can he smoke some shots. A little refinement on Tigers short game and there'll be nothing. He's already pretty darn imposing." Corey Pavin

"They say 'practice makes perfect." Of course, it doesn't. For the vast majority of golfers it merely consolidates imperfection" Henry Longhurst

"I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles." G.K.Chesterson

"Golf is like life in a lot of ways-all the biggest wounds are self inflicted." Bill Clinton

"Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated." Arnold Palmer

"I don't exaggerate- i just remember big." Chi Chi Rodriguez

"If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate." Tom Watson

"Golf is not a game of great shots. Its a game of the most misses. The people who win make the smallest mistakes." Gene Littler

"Resolve never to quit, never to give up, no matter what the situation." Jack Nicklaus

"There is no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies." Anonymous

"(Golf) satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. It is at the same time rewarding and maddening- and it is without a doubt the greatest game mankind has ever invented." Arnold Palmer

"When its breezy, hit it easy." Davis Love Jr.

"Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture." Winston Churchill

"Focus on remedies, not faults." Jack Nicklaus

"I find golf very relaxing. It's a way to get away from work and get outside. It's a lot of fun, and once you get going it's almost kind of addictive." Bill Gates

"Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful result." Tommy Armour

"No other game combines the wonder of nature with the discipline of sport in such carefully planned ways. A great golf course both frees and challenges a golfer's mind" Tom Watson

"There is no such thing as a natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls." Lee Travino

"I like trying to win. That's what golf is all about" Jack Nicklaus

"The only reason I ever played golf in the first place was so I could afford to hunt and fish." Sam Snead

"Coverage of golf's most prestigious tournament was filled with odes to Augusta, plus numerous shots of the picture postcard setting, bees pollinating and what the host called "azaleas screaming at you and dogwoods whispering to you." Peter Alfano

"Too many times, it happens so fast, we lose our passion for glory. Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past, you must fight just to keep them alive." D. Hale


"Golf is an exercise in Scottish pointlessness for people who are no longer able to throw telephone poles at each other." Florence King

"Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun." Jim Bishop

"When the British Open is in s Scotland, there's something special about it. And when it's at St. Andrews, it's even greater." Jack Nicklaus

"Golf is a wonderful exercise. You can stand on your feet for hours, watching somebody else putt." Will Rodgers

"Golf is not sacred, and there is no use getting so gosh-darned solemn about it." Don Herold

"I don't know if I'll ever do it again or not, but frankly I don't really care." Jack Nicklaus on his sixth Masters

"He doesn't have a wife, he doesn't have a girlfriend, so the only people he has to call on is me." Earl woods commenting about Tiger after the masters in 1997

"The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf" Bertrand Russell

"Golf is assuredly a mystifying game. It would seem that if a person has hit a golf ball correctly a thousand times, he should be able to duplicate the performance at will. But this is certainly not the case." Bobby Jones

"The person I fear the most in the last two rounds is myself." Tom Watson

" These greens are so fast I have to hold the putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow." - Sam Snead

" For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball."- Dave Berry

" I look into their eyes, shake their hands, pat their back and wish them luck, but I am thinking, " I am going to bury you.' - Seve Ballesteros

"The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf- its almost a law." - H.G.Wells

" Talking about golf is always boring. (Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.)" - Dave Berry

" I would like to see the fairways more narrow. Then everyone would have to play from the rough, not just me." - Seve Ballesteros

"Each Shot is important" - Gary Player

" I cant hit a ball more than 200 yards. I have no butt. You need a butt if you're going to hit a golf ball." - Dennis Quaid

"I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper." - David Brenner

"The safest place would be in the fairway." -Joe Garagiola

" Somewhere along the line I'll be recognized as one of the top players in the Nicklaus era. That's all I want to be remembered for." - Lee Travino

" Many men are more faithful to their golf partners than to their wives and have stuck with them longer." - John Updike

"The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flagstick on top." - Pete Dye

"At 15 we put down my bag to hunt for a ball, found the ball, lost the bag." - Lee Travino

"Hitting a tree in west Texas is stranger than getting a hole in one." - Mancil Davis

"Sam Snead will fly anywhere in my plane with me. Sam's not as worried about the danger as he is about saving money." - Arnold Palmer

" You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen." -Lee Travino

"Golf is the hardest game in the world. there is now way you can ever get it. Just when you think you do, the game jumps up and puts you in your place." -Ben Crenshaw

"Golf is a better game played downhill." -Jack Nicklaus

"Through the years of experience I have found that air offers less resistance than dirt."- Jack Nicklaus

'If there's a golf course in heaven, I hope it's like Augustan National. I just don't want an early tee time." - Gary Player

"Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half inch course...the space between your ears." - Bobby Jones

"Thinking instead of acting is the number-one golf disease." Sam Snead

"The worst advice in golf is, "Keep your head down.' - Patty Sheehan

"One lesson you better learn if you want to be in politics is that you never go out on a golf course and beat the President." -Lyndon B. Johnson

"The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life." Chi Chi Rodriguez

"When you fall in love with golf, you seldom fall easy. It's obsession at first sight." -Thomas Boswell
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: news.bbc.co.uk

TENNIS QUOTES
Aussie Open quotes
Ana Ivanovic

"I think it will be crazy house back in Serbia right now."
Novak Djokovic imagines the scenes back home after winning the title.

"I know the crowd wanted him to win more. That's OK, it's alright. I still love you guys, don't worry."
Djokovic wins over the crowd as he picks up the trophy.

"When you have a match, you have one player and one opponent, and you don't know who's going to win. At the end, all the time you have a winner. So today was Novak."
Jo-Wilfried Tsonga pretty much sums it all up.

"No. Definitely not. I hope by that time I'll have a nice husband and a few kids."
Women's champion Maria Sharapova is asked whether she expects to be playing in 10 years' time.

"Sometimes you get those dirty looks, where they're looking at you and thinking 'that spoiled brat, who is that, her father probably bought her a Range Rover'. Like 'no honey!' I bought that myself. In those moments you feel mature."
Sharapova on the ups and downs of being a wealthy woman at the age of 20.

"It's been an emotional two weeks. After the match I shed a few tears - I'm quite a sensitive, emotional person and the past two weeks just hit me."
Women's runner-up Ana Ivanovic copes with defeat.

"It's hard to compare Grand Slams and Olympics because in China we pay much attention to the Olympics, but the rest of the world pays more attention to Grand Slams."
Mixed doubles champion Sun Tiantian has her sights set on Beijing in August.




FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: buffetoblog.wordpress.com

Professional athletes are known for making excuses why they lose or don't perform well.  Here's a couple of funny ones.

British soccer coach Alex Ferguson talked his way out of a speeding ticket by explaining that he had diarrhea and that made him be in such a hurry.

Latrell Sprewell was griping about his contract for $14.8 million per year, saying, "I've got a family to feed."  I just don't know how someone can live on that…

Pitcher Greg Harris said he got an elbow injury that put him on the disabled list because he was flicking too many sunflower seeds during games. 

A British shotputter failed a steroids test and said it was because of drinking shampoo. 

There are a lot of excuses out there and this could go on for a long time, but in closing I want to share one that has to be near the top for being random, creative, and stupid.  This is from a tennis player who lost to a hated rival in 1992 :

"Musumba Bwayla is a stupid man and a hopeless player.  He beat me because my jockstrap was too tight and because when he serves he farts, and that made me lose my concentration, for which I am famous throughout Zambia." ~ Lighton Ndefwayl

 
 



FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: ezinearticles.com

LOU HOLTZ QUOTES:

Lou Holtz became known for his quick wit and ability to inspire players. Both Knute Rockne and Green Bay Packer coach Vince Lombardi became legendary for their ability to inspire players.

In addition to his coaching career, Holtz has gone on to author 5 books and become both a motivational speaker and television commentator.

Here are some of Lou Holtz's best known quotes:

"Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it."

"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated."

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely the one who dropped it."

"When all is said and done, more is said than done."

"It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it."

"No one has ever drowned in sweat."

"On this team, we're all united in a common goal: to keep my job."

"Show me someone who has done something worthwhile, and I'll show you someone who has overcome adversity."

"The problem with having a sense of humor is often (the) people you use it on aren't in a very good mood."

"In the successful organization, no detail is too small to escape close attention."

"It is a fine thing to have ability, but the ability to discover ability in others is the true test."

"If you're bored with life-you don't get up every morning with a burning desire to do things-you don't have enough goals."

"If you burn your neighbor's house down, it doesn't make your house look any better."

"You'll never get ahead of anyone as long as you try to get even with him."

"I think everyone should experience defeat at least once during their career. You learn a lot from it."

"I never learn anything talking. I only learn things when I ask questions."

"If he's got golf clubs in his truck or a camper in his driveway, I don't hire him."

"How you respond to the challenge in the second half will determine what you become after the game, whether you are a winner or a loser."

"Coaching is nothing more than eliminating mistakes before you get fired."

"A lifetime contract for a coach means if you're ahead in the third quarter and moving the ball, they can't fire you."

"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song."

"You're never as good as everyone tells you when you win, and you're never as bad as they say when you lose."




FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: blogs.jobdig.com

The Definitive List of Football Quotations:  (Edited)

1. Dick Butkus: "I wouldn't ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was, you know, important like a league game or something."

4. Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."

5. Arthur Marshall: "I would have thought that the knowledge that you are going to be leapt upon by half-a-dozen congratulatory, but sweaty team-mates would be inducement not to score a goal."

9. Mary McGrory: "Baseball is what we were. Football is what we have become."

10. Terrell Owens, of the San Francisco 49ers, was asked for one word to describe himself. He said "confident." When asked for another word he said "very."

14. Heywood Hale Broun: "Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it."

16. Steve Henderson: "I'd catch a punt naked, in the snow, in Buffalo, for a chance to play in the NFL."

17. Arnold Mandell: "Football is not a game but a religion, a metaphysical island of fundamental truth in a highly verbalized, disguised society, a throwback of 30,000 generations of anthropological time."

18. Tony Kornheiser: "Men are clinging to football on a level we aren't even aware of. For centuries, we ruled everything, and now, in the last ten minutes, there are all these incursions by women. It's our Alamo."

19. Phyllis Diller: "The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public."

22. Chuck Mills: "When it comes to football, God is prejudiced - toward big, fast kids."

23. Luke Salisbury: "Watching football is like watching pornography. There's plenty of action, and I can't take my eyes off it, but when it's over, I wonder why the hell I spent an afternoon doing it."

24. Unknown: "The game of life is a lot like football. You tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity."

26. Frank Middleton, Oakland Raiders; prior to Super Bowl XXXVII he was asked what was the best thing his ex-head coach Jon Gruden (now the Tampa Bay head coach and his opponent in the Super Bowl) did for the Oakland Raiders. Frank said: "Leave."

29. Reggie Williams, when asked his greatest strengths as a football player : "Speed, strength, and the inability to register pain immediately."

36. Jeff Kemp: "Rapport? You mean like, 'You run as fast as you can, and I'll throw it as far as I can'?"

38. Emmitt Smith, when asked about new Cowboy coach Bill "The Big Tuna" Parcells: "I have not talked to him, but I have been eating a lot of tuna."

39. Jim Brosnahan, the defense attorney representing the city of Oakland in the NFL team's suit against the city of Oakland, after a couple of lively courtroom exchanges between Brosnahan and Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis, this exchange took place in court: BROSNAHAN-"Would it be fair to say you turned around the Raiders in the 1960s?" DAVIS-"You're being too kind to me." BROSNAHAN-"It won't last. Let's enjoy the moment."

40. Conan O'Brien, on the NFL starting its own cable network: This is good because up until now, the only channel to find 24-hour coverage of the NFL players was Court TV."

43. Deacon Jones: "I was the originator of smack. Some guys rattle with smack; with other guys it rolls right off their shoulders like nothing."

46. Tex Schramm, responding to holdout running back's description of him as "sick and demented and dishonest", Schramm replied laughing: "That's not bad. He got two out of three right."

47. Jason Taylor, on why he presented the whole Miami Dolphins locker room with a gift box of of products from one of his sponsors, Neutrogena: "To rectify some of the ugliness going on in this locker room."

48. Randy Moss, explaining the no-look, over-the-shoulder lateral to Moe Williams for a 59-yard touchdown: "It' a once-in-a-lifetime thing that only happens every so often."

49. Rod Smith, when asked if he had ever seen a similar play to the Randy Moss to Moe Williams, no-look, over-the-shoulder lateral play: "Yeah, on PlayStation."

50. Bill Curry: "He's a leading leader on this football team."

51. Leroy Hoard, describing his running style: "You need two yards, I'll get you three. You need 10 yards, I'll get you three."

52. Ray Lewis: "Pain is only temporary, no matter how long it lasts."

53. Gary Anderson, FG kicker,: "One thing I've learned over the years is sometimes if you make kicks early in the game, you don't have to make them late."

54. Phil Simms, remarking on how underdogs never give up hope in football games: "I remember one time, playing for the Giants, when we were playing the unbeatable Dallas Cowboys, they were 8 and 1."

55. Jeff Gordon, St. Louis Post-Dispatch writer, commenting on the poor attendance at Arizona Cardinal games: "If Marc Bulger throws an interception in Sun Devil Stadium and nobody is there to see it, is it still an interception?"

56. Lou Groza, NFL Hall of Fame kicker: "Old place-kickers never die, they just go on missing the point."

57. John Romano, St. Petersburg Times reporter, commenting on Big East Conference Commissioner Mike Tranghese's belief that the BCS only needs to be tweaked: "This is like a man who, day after day, steps in a puddle of mud. Instead of looking for a new route, he seeks a better polish for his shoes."

58. Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle, on how football players will have different attitudes in the future.: "Twenty years from now, today's football players will be saying, 'Back in my day, we didn't do all the outlandish stuff these kids are doing. We kept it dignified, with Sharpies and cell pho

59. Sam Wyche, who had his vocal cords accidentally cut during a biopsy and now has trouble yelling across the field during practices, relating what some old players of his had to say: "Why didn't his happen 20 years ago? I wouldn't have had to run as many laps."

60. "Downtown" Julie Brown, prior to the 1993 Super Bowl between the Dallas Cowboys and the Buffalo Bills, asked Emmitt Smith: "What are you going to wear in the game Sunday?"

63. John Lynch, Tampa Bay Buccaneers safety, commenting on the Budweiser beer commercials featuring the me-first football player Leon: "Great commercials during the game. Especially like the Budweiser one with Keyshawn…I mean Leon."

64. Deion Sanders, on why he doesn't like the two-week break between the conference championship games and the Super Bowl: "Having two weeks off gives family, friends and the media more time to get on your nerves."

65. Marvin Lewis, suggesting that coaches should be able to add monikers on players uniforms, like "He Hate Me" during training camp, he suggested the following examples: "He Doesn't Listen,"; He Jumps Offsides"; and "He Can't See."

66. Craig Kilborn, CBS late-night television host, commenting on how crass Janet Jackson's halftime incident was during Super Bowl XXXVIII: "so crass ad so sleazy that Fox television is launching its own investigation (as to) why they didn't do it first."

67. Chad Bratzke, explaining life in the NFL: "The pads don't keep you from getting hurt. They just keep you from getting killed."

68. Bret Lewis, Los Angeles radio announcer: "The Philadelphia Eagles signed wide receiver Terrell Owens despite his reputation as a clubhouse cancer. A few days later, the home of the Eagles, Veterans Stadium, implodes. Connect the dots, people."

70. Jim Saccomano, Broncos' media-relations director, talking about how teams manipulate reporters.: "There's the truth, the whole truth, the perceived truth and then there's innuendo. Most of the time, (reporters) have been told what's going on, but sometimes there's an agenda under it."

71. Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle reporter, commenting on the announcement that the NFL hopes to put a team in Los Angeles by 2008: "L.A. greeted the news with widespread riots, crazy parties and celebrations, honking and shouting, cars overturned and set afire, and thousands of gunshots fired into the air. Or, maybe that stuff had nothing to do with the NFL announcement."

72. Bill Simmons, ESPN the Magazine: "I gave it some thought, and here's what I decided: My favorite Matsui is still Matt Suhey."

73. Ricky Williams: "I didn't quit football because I failed a drug test, I failed a test because I was ready to quit football."

74. William "The Refrigerator" Perry: "I've been big ever since I was little."

75. Rodney Landingham, University of Nevada defensive back, arrested on charges of bank robbery, in a jailhouse interview was quoted as saying: "It would've been worth it if I hadn't gotten caught."

77. Howie Long, having fun at the expense of Fox colleague Terry Bradshaw: "In Montana, they renamed a town after an all-time great, Joe Montana. Well, a town in Massachusetts changed their name to honor my guy Terry Bradshaw–Marblehead."

79. Deion Sanders, commenting on the troubled Randy Moss: "He's like a beautiful woman who can't cook, doesn't want to clean and doesn't want to take care of the kids. You really don't want her, but she's so beautiful that you can't let her go."

80. Jay Leno, commenting on the NCAA plans, to reach college athletes, by launching an anti-gambling campaign on the Cartoon Network: "You know what's sad about this? Not the gambling, but the best way to reach college athletes is the Cartoon Network."

and the funniest one of all:

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye."