FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: ladybatting.com

Image: bp1.blogger.com
.
BASEBALL QUOTES
.
Have you heard of Pat Venditte (see photo above)? He pitches for the Yankees Class A affiliate in Staten Island, NY.
.
Big deal, you say? Uh, yeah! Pat Venditte is a switch pitcher. He pitches both right-handed and left-handed.
.
He made his professional debut Thursday night when he came in to pitch the bottom of the 9th inning against the Brooklyn Cyclones, the Mets Class A affiliate.
.
According to MLB.com, Venditte got the first two outs on ground balls, then gave up a single. The next batter was switch-hitting Ralph Henriquez. What happened next was sheer comedy:
.
Venditte, who uses a custom-made six-fingered glove (see photo, above), switched it to throw with his left hand. Seeing that, Henriquez moved over to the right side of the plate. It went on like this for a few minutes, the two players switching back and forth, until the umpires stepped in and, eventually, Henriquez batted right against Venditte throwing right. Henriquez struck out on three pitches to end the game.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: talk.ocregister.com

SPORTS QUOTES

.

"I decided to cover all angles. I sent him chocolate-covered prunes and a box of Depends." -- Clemson coach Tommy Bowden on wishing a happy birthday to his father, 76-year-old Florida State coach Bobby Bowden

.
"That kid grew up so far out in the country, he had to go toward town to hunt." -- Cowboys coach Bill Parcells on rookie defensive end Demarcus Ware, who's from Alabama

"I don't care if you found out that he has a jet engine in his anus. He's the best that's ever been. Leave it alone." -- Daily Show host Jon Stewart, coming to the defense of cyclist Lance Armstrong after a French newspaper reported that the Texan used illegal drugs in the first of his seven consecutive Tour de France victories

.
"So far, the hardest part has been trying to come up with something that rhymes with Urlacher." -- Country music star Tim McGraw, on reworking the lyrics to his hit I Like It, I Love It to coincide with the Monday Night Football halftime highlight reel

.
"Because there are no fours." -- NBA long-range gunner Antoine Walker] when asked why he shoots so many threes

.
"There will be no more fighting in my house over what shoes my kids are going to wear." Tennis star Andre Agassi after switching his sneaker endorsement from Nike to Adidas. Agassi's wife Steffi Graf is a long-time Adidas wearer.

.
"You know why I like talking to corporate America? It looks good on a parole application." -- Golf broadcaster (and funnyman) David Feherty on his numerous corporate golf outings

.
"I have spent all summer sewing collars on my tie-dyed T-shirts." -- Bill Walton, broadcaster and former NBA star, on the league's new dress code

.
"This might be the only race in the series where it takes longer to say the race name than it does to run the whole 250 miles." -- NASCAR Busch series driver Stanton Barrett on the ITT Industries, Systems Division and Goulds Pumps Salute to the Trops 250 Presented by Dodge

.
Philosophical differences? Well, Pop likes wine, and I drink beer. That's about it." -- Spurs GM R.C. Buford on his relationship with head coach Gregg Popovich

.
"Most teams have a trophy case full of trophies. We have a case filled with Ping-Pong balls." -- Orlando Magic senior VP Pat Williams, whose team has won the NBA draft lottery three times since 1992

.
"My wiener has never been so exhausted." -- NASCAR's Kurt Busch after outlasting three other drivers to win the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile race at Lowe's Motor Speedway

.
"He goes down when the air conditioning comes on." -- Sacramento Kings coach Rick Adelman, complaining that Sonics forward Reggie Evans was flopping during their playoff series

.
"It's a humbling thing being humble." -- Former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett on seeing his stock drop as the 2005 NFL draft was approaching. The Broncos selected Clarett in the third round but eventually released him

.
"When you can get a discount at Denny's, it's time to retire." -- Charles Barkley, discussing the retirement of 41-year-old Karl Malone

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: matchdoctor.com

NFL FOOTBALL QUOTES

Sharp-tongued comedian Dennis Miller Football Quotes:

.
"Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day."
.
"That receiver was as wide open as Annabel Chong."
.
"With Browns' ticket prices what they are, you just know that all those dads who brought the entire family to sit in the 'dog pound' are secretly calculating how much blood they're going to have to sell next week to put groceries on the table."
.

"Ray Lewis knifed through those offensive linemen like a sucker-punch switchblade slicing between the ribs of some inebriated trash-talking punk outside a sports bar."
.
"I've seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference."
.
"The Cowboy's defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts."

.
"The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night."
.

"That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO."
.
"Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes!"

.
"Is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of ass-patting today?"
.
"Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks."

.
"Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through 'Aida.'"
.
"That kid's got an arm like Uncle Fester at an exhibition of Pre-Colombian... um, Christ, I lost it. I was going for something thick. So what's with the beard, Grizzly Fouts?"
.
"Ouch! And Marino goes down quicker than his Boonesfarm-infused sister in the back of my '68 Cutlass on our first date after watching 'Love Story' at the drive-in."

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: basketballdailyworld.com

BASKETBALL QUOTES

.

When it's played the way is spozed to be played, basketball happens in the air; flying, floating, elevated above the floor, levitating the way oppressed peoples of this earth imagine themselves in their dreams.

John Edgar Wideman

.

I would get close to him and breathe on his goggles...(when asked how he would guard somebody like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar)

John Kerr

.

Basketball is like photography, if you don't focus, all you have is the negative.

Dan Frisby

.

Sometimes a player's greatest challenge is coming to grips with his role on the team.

Scottie Pippen
.
Winning is like deodorant - it comes up and a lot of things don't stink.

Doc Rivers

.

Pressure can burst a pipe, or pressure can make a diamond.

Robert Horry
.

When I was young, I never wanted to leave the court until I got things exactly correct.

Larry Bird
.

If you are going to take it to the bank, then you better cash it in.

Shannon Fish

.

If you pay attention to the grandstands...it won't be long before you join them.

Unknown

.

When I played with Michael Jordan on the Olympic team, there was a huge gap between his ability and the ability of the other great players on that team. But what impressed me was that he was always the first one on the floor and the last one to leave.

Steve Alford

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: humorsphere.com

BASEBALL QUOTES

.

Baseball has been called the National Pastime. It's just the kind of game anyone deserves who has nothing better to do than try to pass his time. -- Andrew Rooney

.

After fifteen years of facing pitchers you don't really get over them. They're devious. They're the only players in the game allowed to cheat. They throw illegal pitches and they sneak foreign substances on the ball. They can inflict pain whenever they wish. And, they're the only ones on the diamond who have high ground. That's symbolic. You know what they tell you in a war - 'take the high ground first.' -- Richie Ashburn

.

I feel terrible about what they do to the umpires. The first time they go out on the field the band strikes up "Oh, say, can you see." -- Goodman Ace

.
Bat Day seems like a good idea, but I question the advisability of giving bats in the Bronx to 40,000 Yankee fans. -- Aaron Bacall

.
Ralph Hunker's daddy made the first baseball glove in history. Made it out of genuine cowhide. Of course, he cheated a little. He made it out of the part of the cow that already had the fingers in it. -- Pat Buttram

.
I'm flattered that so many baseball people think I'm a Hall of Famer. But what's hard to believe is how one-hundred and fifty plus people have changed their minds about me since I became eligible, because I haven't had a base hit since then. -- Richie Ashburn

.
I watch a lot of baseball on the radio. - Gerald Ford

.
It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then I'd probably have seen a lot more of my husband. - Karolyn Rose, ex-wife of Pete Rose

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: users.globalnet.co.uk

SPORTS QUOTES
.
Great Sporting Quotations
.
Sports writers and commentators have been known to air their classical erudition form time to time ...
.
Cricket
'Ancient Babylon fell more swiftly to Cyrus the Persian, but the fall from grace has been far more painful for the Caribbean team.'
.
Garth Wattley in the Trinidad Express : as Brian Lara's West Indies XI lose a third successive test match in the Caribbean (and the series) to England. Only ten years ago Lara made 375, and England were all out for 46. [April 2004]. (But Lara scored 400 not out in the final test, recapturing his world record, and ensuring his team avoided the ignominy of a whitewash.[later in April 2004])
.
Darts
'When Alexander the Great was 33 he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer. Bristow is only 27.'
.
Sid Waddell on the legendary world darts champion, Eric "the Crafty Cockney" Bristow. Sid also described the atmosphere at darts match as "... a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the Colosseum when the Christians were on the menu." And was responsible for the immortal: "Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis."
.
Football
'A player who conjugates a verb in the first person singular cannot be part of the squad, he has to conjugate the verb in the first person plural. We. We want to conquer. We are going to conquer. Using the word I when you're in a group makes things complicated.'
Wanderley Luxemburgo [Brazil's coach], 1999 (sacked a few months later after Brazil lost to Cameroun in the Sydney Olympics quarter-finals)
.
'After Jesús Gil, the Roman army is a piece of pax for Ranieri.'
.
A typically obscure headline from the British football pages. Journalists have been milking the The Roman Empire concept. The purchase of Chelsea FC by Russian oil billionaire Roman Abramovich in 2003 has led to an appalling outbreak of wordplay among sporting journalists. An unofficial Chesea website actually does call itself the Roman Empire. Jesús Gil was the Chelsea manager Claudio Ranieri's despotic boss at Atlético Madrid. [April 2004]
.
'Rather than be wary of Greeks bearing gifts, Blackburn could not have been more grateful for the offering from Leicester defender Nikos Dabizas as they secured their first home win since November.'
.
Two struggling Premiership sides slug it out - Leicester's Greek midfielder Dabizas scores the only goal of the match: an own goal unfortunately! The Greek gifts idea is common - I get more emails asking me for the source of this quotation than any other. (Virgil's Aeneid 2, for the record. Spoken by Laocoön as he warns the Trojans that the Wooden Horse so generously left on the beach by the departing Greeks may not be all it seems.)
.
'For Porto it was a classic case of hubris and nemesis'
.
Porto 2 Chelsea 1. Jose Mourinho current manager of Chelsea, previously mastermind of Porto's Champions' League triumph last year, sees his side defeated. Or as the Guardian's Matt Scott continued: "With 5 minutes to go Cesar Peixoto became the deus ex machina, having come off the bench to send in the killer ball which Benni McCarthy dispatched clinically to keep the European Champions in the competition". [Guardian December 8 2004]
.
'Bob Van Persie is a well-known Rotterdam artist, a sculptor. His son's goals yesterday were good enough to be preserved in marble, but Blackburn were like those Barbarians in late antiquity who went about vandalising the treasures of Rome and ancient Greece. As Bob watched Andy Todd assault his boy with an upper arm smash in the dying minutes at Cardiff, he must have feared young Robin would be left, bodily, like the Venus de Milo.'
.
Robin Van Persie scored 2 goals in 5 minutes coming on as a sub for Arsenal against Blackburn in the FA Cup semi-final at the Millennium Stadium, Cardiff. Arsenal won 3-0. [Jonathan Northcroft in Sunday Times, April 17, 2005]. The mind boggles at a marble depiction of not 1, but 2 goals (it would surely have taxed the sculptor of the Laocoön): also a bit hard to imagine how a smack in the mouth could make your arms drop off while you simultaneously grow breasts. But good try, Jonathan.
.
For about 100 years, they've been content to leave the Spurs club motto, "Audere est Facere", in its original Latin, which we all used to speak, in the days when football began.
"Oh dear, it's fucked", is what I've always taken it to mean. I do have O-level Latin [read the Latin as if English!]. Now they've stuck up a literal translation, in large letters: "To dare is to do". The words just stand there, on their own, not making much sense ... In the act of being daring, you are obviously doing something, aint'cha? Unless it means that you succees by daring. In other words, "Who dares, wins". But that's been well used. [Hunter Davies in the New Statesman, 24 October 2005, lamenting changes at the Tottenham Hotspur Football Ground, White Hart Lane.]
.
Dr Peter 'Friends of Classics' Jones has commented: "I wonder whether David Beckham would appreciate it, as he's covered in Latin tattoos. It strikes me as a shame to lose it. I seems pointless to me ans sums up the contempt that football clubs have for their fans. The point is that in the 19th century a Latin signature gave status and quality to a club. A logo in another language is something of great importance."
.
More Chelsea bull:
"My brother-in-law Barry is a lifelong Chelsea fan and remembers the lean years. He'd rung me prior to the match at Goodison [Everton - bottom of the premiership - drew with Chelsea last week: Chelsea's first non-win of the season] to wallow in the hegemony of the Thousand Year Reich that Roman Abramovich is building. 'It's a bit like watching a bullfight when we play,' he crowed. 'The result is never in doubt, only how clean the kill will be.' Watch out for hubris, mate, or have you already signed him?" [Nicky Campbell in Guardian 27 October 2005]
Too late, they already have!
.
"Hubris hampers Chelsea on their way to world domination.
The day after Peter Kenyon announced Chelsea's plans to "own London", his team were defeated by a side who had just lost four games in a row [Everton - see above]. Somebody should give Kenyon a lesson in Greek philosophy, with particular reference to the concept of hubris." [Richard Williams in the Guardian 3 November 2005]

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: dukebasketballreport.com

PHILLY PHANATIC AND PHILLIE FANS

Image: philadelphia.phillies.mlb.com

.

BASEBALL INSULTS

"I hate playing centerfield against Lenny Dykstra. One of these years, he's gonna give me foot cancer out there." - Andy Van Slyke, on Dykstra's excessive use of chewing tobacco...

.
"All I owe anyone is a hard game of ball" - Richie Allen (I'll defer to any Philly guys - or girls - to say whether or not he delivered on that, as well as whether he is properly referred to as Richie or Dick Allen)

.

"You know what they do when the game's rained out? They go to the airport and boo landings." - Bob Uecker, on Phillies fans

.

"Philadelphia is the only city, where you can experience the thrill of victory and the agony of reading about it the next day." -- Mike Schmidt

.

Bob Uecker:
"That's all we got, one &*%damn hit?"
"You cant say &^(damn on the air."
"Dont worry, nobody is listening anyway."

.

"If God helped you hit that home run that last time up, who struck you out the time before that?"
"Most of us have such bad voices, we respect the National Anthem by not singing it."

.

When Lowenstein and Mel Proctor used to call games for the O's on Home Team Sports:
First of all, as most of you know, baseball bats are made from Ash trees (or at least that used to be the case).
A player came up to bat against the O's, swung, and busted his bat. Foul ball. As the batter was going to get another bat, Mel was making some commentary on the busted bat.
Lowenstein's response:
"Well you know Mel, it's hard to find a good piece of ash every night."
.

And the one that cost him his job announcing the game of the week (work with me here, mods). The camera kept panning on a couple making out in the bleachers inning after inning. Towards the end of the game Diz says to Pee Wee Reese: "Pee Wee, I've finally figured out what's going on out there. He's kissing her on the strikes and she's kissing him on the balls."