SPECIAL EDITORIAL NOTE FROM SPORTS_NUT, 2/26/2011
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Welcome to the retirement edition of Funny Sports Quotes.
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The Funny Sports Quotes blog was created in 11/2007 after I could see I could become a blogger very easily using Google's 3-step process for creating a blog online.
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For me, like most, work is not my idea of a fun experience, so I had to choose the topic that I would most enjoy pursuing and that, for me, was finding and posting funny sports quotes for entertaining and, in some cases, educating an audience on facets of sports even the most ardent sports fans may not have been aware of.
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At the same time, I decided to compile a database of funny sports quotes that sports fans and quote fans could visit for "one-stop" shopping, thereby helping them to avoid the need to search elsewhere for sports quotes.
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So, from 11/2007 until 2/2011. I have compiled quotes on the Funny Sports Quotes blog and its sister blog, FSQuotes, that is accessible only from the Funny Sports Quotes blog.
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As of 2/26/2011, I believe I have achieved my objective first set in 11/2007, which signals for me the end of my funny sports quotes database project.
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Kindly note that I have already made the last post (SI Swimsuit) to the blog, shut off further entries to Comments, and I will shut off the email address sports.quotes@gmail.com on 03/14/2011.
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Also note that many features previously cited on this page have been removed, so that a bare-bones FSQ remains for your future reference.
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I do hope that my venture was successful in bringing a smile to your face or a skip to your step, since that was all FSQ was created for, your entertainment and pleasure.
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In closing, I wish you and yours, Godspeed!
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Wednesday, May 7, 2008

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: golftoday.com

GOLF HUMOR \ QUOTES
The Rules of Golf

I have always believed there are far too many rules in golf. For me, if you cannot write them all on the back of a matchbox then something is wrong.
- Henry Longhurst

Golf is the only game in which a precise knowledge of the rules can earn one a reputation for bad sportsmanship.
- Patrick Campbell

Local Rules in Golf - a set of regulations that are ignored by players on a specific course rather than by golfers as a whole.
- Roy McKie

There is no surer or more painful way to learn a rule than to be penalized once for breaking it.
- Tom Watson

The first chapter in the Rules of Golf is etiquette. Apparently everyone starts reading at chapter two.
- Nick Mokelke

Golf was invented by some Scotsman who hit a ball, with a stick, into a hole in the ground. The game today is exactly the same, except that it now takes some ninety-odd pages of small type to ensure that the ball is hit, with the stick, into the hole in the ground without cheating.
- A.S. Graham

The rules are based on three fundamental principles: That the golfer must play the ball as it lies, play the course as he finds it, and finally, where neither of the first two principles can apply, settle all questions by fair play.
- Joseph C. Dey, Jr.

There is even - as with no other game - a fascinating detective literature, a wry commentary on the human comedy, implicit in the book of rules.
- Alistair Cooke

The only times you touch the ball with your hand are when you tee it up and when you pick it out of the cup. The hell with television towers and cables and burrowing animals and the thousand and one things that are referred to as 'not part of the golf course'. If you hit the ball off the fairway, you play it from there.
- Ken Venturi

The entire handbook can be reduced to three rules. One: you do not touch your ball from the time you tee it up to the moment you pick it out of the hole. Two: don't bend over when you are in the rough. Three: when you are in the woods, keep clapping your hands.
- Charles Price

In a generation or two, or maybe sooner, young golfers of true sporting instinct will wonder why all this handling of the ball is necessary. It will seem to them that the game is not as good as it might be.
- Robert Harris (in 1953, referring to the practice of marking the ball on the green)

Golf requires only a few simple Rules and Regulations to guide the players in the true nature of its sporting appeal. The spirit of the game is its own referee.
- Robert Harris

You might as well praise a man for not robbing a bank as to praise him for playing by the rules.
- Bobby Jones

The golfer is an honest man.
- Colonel Lindsey (member of the R&A Rules Committee, in 1947)

There are more 'Don'ts' in golf than there are in any other avocation in life.
- Arnold Haultain (1910)

If you call on God to improve the results of a shot while it is still in motion, you are using `an outside agency' and subject to appropriate penalties under the rules of golf.
- Henry Longhurst

I'll take the two stroke penalty, but I'll be damned if I'll play it where it lays!
- Elaine Johnson (after her ball ended up in her bra)

Rule One: Whenever a spectator seeks out a really good vantage point and settles down on shooting stick or canvas chair, the tallest and fattest golf watcher on the course will take up station directly in front.
- Peter Dobereiner

I have come to think that a person grows in his regard for the rules as he improves his game. The best players come to love golf so much they hate to see it violated in any way.
- Michael Murphy (extract from 'Golf in the Kingdom')

I don't know the traffic regulations of every city I get to either, but I manage to drive through without being arrested.
- Lloyd Mangrum (on being penalised as a result of not knowing the rules)

Golfers should not fail to realize that it is a game of great traditions, of high ideals of sportsmanship, one in which a strict adherence to the rules is essential.
- Francis Ouimet

The rules are simple and easily understood by anyone who has once seen the game, but to the totally uninitiated they appear to be hopelessly unintelligible.
- John Gilmer Speed (1894)

In golf, a player can step and mar the line of his adversary's putt. A player can also hit his adversary or his caddie intentionally with his ball and claim the hole - but it isn't usually done.
- Charles B. Macdonald (1898)

Running through the Rules are underlying principles, that, like the steel rods which lie below the surface of reinforced concrete, serve to bind together the brittle material and to give it strength.
- Richard S. Tufts

One of these days I'm going to write a book on drops. That ought to sell. The shot's become more popular than putting.
- Jimmy Demaret

Forty-one rules aren't so many - St. Benedict had 73 to keep the brethren on the straight and narrow.
- Colman McCarthy [Editor's note: The current Rules of Golf contains sections on Etiquette and Definitions, 34 Rules, 3 Appendices, and 10 Rules of Amateur Status]

If he takes the option of dropping behind the point where the ball rests, keeping in line with the pin, his nearest drop is Honolulu.
- Jimmy Demaret (after Arnold Palmer missed the 17th green at Pebble Beach, California)

I wrote to Mr. McEnroe, Senior. I said: "Here is the sentence once written by the immortal Bobby Jones. I thought you might like to have it done in needlepoint and mounted in a suitable frame to hang over Little John's bed. It says, The rewards of golf - and of life, too, I expect - are worth very little if you don't play the game by the etiquette as well as by the rules." I never heard from Mr. McEnroe, Senior. I can only conclude that the letter went astray.
- Alistair Cooke

So the British, of all ages, still walk the course. On trips to Florida or the American desert, they still marvel, or shudder, at the fleets of electric carts going off in the morning like the first assault wave at the Battle of El Alamein. It is unlikely, for some time, that a Briton will come across in his native land such a scorecard as Henry Longhurst rescued from a California club and cherished till the day he died. The last on its list of local rules printed the firm warning "A Player on Foot Has No Standing on the Course."
- Alistair Cooke

We've got to abide by the rules. We have to protect it. The game of golf at a professional level is so clean. We are our own judge, jury and executioner. If we don't do what we think is right, the game might get away from us.
- Greg Norman

I am sure there is no body of professional games players who so cheerfully know so little of the rules of their game as do professional golfers.
- Henry Longhurst

If a ball comes to rest in dangerous proximity to a hippopotamus or crocodile, another ball may be dropped at a safe distance, no nearer the hole, without penalty.
- Local rule at Nyanza GC, Uganda

All the important lessons of life are contained in the three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing:
1. Keep your head down.
2. Follow through.
3. Be born with money.
- P.J. O'Rourke

Do I have to know rules and all that crap? Then forget it.
- John Daly (when asked whether he'd like to join the Royal and Ancient Golf Club, after winning the '95 British Open at St. Andrews)

There are two basic rules which should never be broken. Be subtle. And don't, for God's sake, try to do business with anyone who's having a bad game.
- William Davis



FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: brianclough.com


SOCCER INSULTS BY BRIAN CLOUGH:
"If God had wanted us to play football in the clouds, he'd have put grass up there." On the importance of passing to feet.
"Manchester United in Brazil? I hope they all get bloody diarrhea." On Man Utd opting-out of the FA Cup to play in the World Club Championship.
"I can't even spell spaghetti never mind talk Italian. How could I tell an Italian to get the ball - he might grab mine." On the influx of foreign players.
"I bet their dressing room will smell of garlic rather than liniment over the next few months." On the number of French players at Arsenal.
"Who the hell wants fourteen pairs of shoes when you go on holiday? I haven't had fourteen pairs in my life." On the contents of Posh Spice's missing luggage.
"I wouldn't say I was the best manager in the business. But I was in the top one." Looking back at his success.
"On occasions I have been big headed. I think most people are when they get in the limelight. I call myself Big Head just to remind myself not to be." Old Big 'Ead explains his nickname.
"At last England have appointed a manager who speaks English better than the players." On the appointment of Sven Goran Eriksson as England manager.
"If he'd been English or Swedish, he'd have walked the England job." On Martin O'Neill.
"Anybody who can do anything in Leicester but make a jumper has got to be a genius." A tribute to Martin O'Neill.
"The ugliest player I ever signed was Kenny Burns." A Clough complement for a talented player.
"Stand up straight, get your shoulders back and get your hair cut." Advice for John McGovern at Hartlepool.
"Take your hands out of your pockets." More advice, this time for a young Trevor Francis as he receives an award from the Master Manager.
"The Derby players have seen more of his balls than the one they're meant to be playing with." On the streaker who appeared during Derby's game against Manchester United.
"I only ever hit Roy the once. He got up so I couldn't have hit him very hard." On dealing with Roy Keane.
"Walk on water? I know most people out there will be saying that instead of walking on it, I should have taken more of it with my drinks. They are absolutely right." Reflecting on his drink problem.
"I'm dealing with my drinking problem and I have a reputation for getting things done." A comment which speaks for itself.
"Don't send me flowers when I'm dead. If you like me, send them while I'm alive." After the operation which saved his life.
"Players lose you games, not tactics. There's so much crap talked about tactics by people who barely know how to win at dominoes." Reflecting on England's exit from Euro 2000.
"We talk about it for twenty minutes and then we decide I was right." On dealing with a player who disagrees.
"I want no epitaphs of profound history and all that type of thing. I contributed - I would hope they would say that, and I would hope somebody liked me," On how he would like to be remembered.
"It was a crooked match and he was a crooked referee. That was a tournament we could and should have won." On the 1984 UEFA Cup semi-final Forest lost to Anderlecht.
"I'm sure the England selectors thought if they took me on and gave me the job, I'd want to run the show. They were shrewd, because that's exactly what I would have done." On not getting the England manager's job.
"You don't want roast beef and Yorkshire every night and twice on Sunday." On too much football on television.
"If a chairman sacks the manager he initially appointed, he should go as well." On too many managers getting the boot.
"I thought it was my next door neighbour, because I think she felt that if I got something like that, I'd have to move." Guessing who nominated him for a knighthood.
"For all his horses, knighthoods and championships, he hasn't got two of what I've got. And I don't mean balls!" Referring to Sir Alex Ferguson's failure to win two successive European Cups.
"I like my women to be feminine, not sliding into tackles and covered in mud." On women's football.
''That Seaman is a handsome young man but he spends too much time looking in his mirror, rather than at the ball. You can't keep goal with hair like that." On England goalkeeper David Seaman.
"I've missed him. He used to make me laugh. He was the best diffuser of a situation I have ever known. I hope he's alright." On the late Peter Taylor.
"He's learned more about football management than he ever imagined. Some people think you can take football boots off and put a suit on. You can't do that." On David Platt's first season as Forest manager.
"He should guide Posh in the direction of a singing coach because she's nowhere near as good at her job as her husband." Advice for David Beckham.
"Barbara's supervising the move. She's having more extensions built than Heathrow Airport." On moving house in Derbyshire.