FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: telegraph.co.uk

Maarten van der Weijden

Image: telegraph.co.uk

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OLYMPICS SPORTS QUOTES

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Maarten van der Weijden: Don't call me Lance Armstrong

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"I'm no Lance Armstrong, don't call me Lance Armstrong," insisted Holland's Olympic swimming champion Maarten van der Weijden, who won an epic battle with Great Britain's David Davies in the men's 10k Open Water event this morning.

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He also won an even more brutal fight with cancer eight years ago and was forced to take two years out from 2001 to win his fight against the disease. At one stage he was not expected to survive.

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Van der Weijden not only confounded the medics - he came back even stronger and is a multi world champion for all events up to 25km.

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"Armstrong says that positive thinking and doing a lot of sports can save you. I don't agree," said van der Weijden. "I even think it's dangerous because it implies that if you are not a positive thinker all the time you lose.

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"The doctors - and not just the power of positive thinking and my love of sport - have saved me. I am just lucky that the chemotherapy saved me. That's how simple it is. "

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Van der Weijden spoke with great insight on how his fight against cancer has affected him.
"It taught me to think step by step and be patient. When you are in so much pain lying in a hospital bed you aren't thinking about the next month, but the next hour. This is the same strategy I use in the pack when we are racing and waiting my chance.

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"Seven and a half years ago I was fighting leukaemia. Because of the stem cell transplant I received I had the luck to recover. So everyone who has donated money to cancer research in the past, I am extremely grateful to them. Maybe I wouldn't be here otherwise.

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: exercisereports.com

OLYMPICS SPORTS TRIVIA
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THE MICHAEL PHELPS WORKOUT ROUTINE
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For Michael Phelp's Olympics workout routine,
click here ====> YUM, YUM, EAT'UM UP!
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: forum.newsarama.com

LATRELL SPREWELL

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Image: niketalk.yuku.com
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SPORTS QUOTES
Quotes from a sports forum
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Latrell Sprewell
I told you I needed to feed my family,” Sprewell said at a press conference yesterday. “They offered me 3 years at $21 million. That’s not going to cut it. And I’m not going to sit here and continue to give my children food while this front office takes money out of my pocket. If [owner Glen] Taylor wants to see my family fed, he better cough up some money. Otherwise, you’re going to see these kids in one of those Sally Struthers commercials soon.
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Old Yankee (and Met) manager Casey Stengel
I got players with bad watches - they can't tell midnight from noon.
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Sportscasters have the best unintentional sexual innuendo:
From yesterday's Cubs/Dodgers game on WGN: "He loves to pull it... just watch him jerk one!"
From ESPN a few weeks ago: "Man, he's got a hose! He just whipped it out and showed it to us!"
From the basketball world championships: "Watch LeBron take him from behind."
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Randy Moss, outside of the training facility, after being fined for an inappropriate touchdown celebration at a Green Bay game.
Reporter: "Write the check yet, Randy?"
Moss: "When you're rich you don't write checks."
Reporter: "If you don't write checks, how do you pay these guys?"
Moss: "Straight cash, homey."
Reporter: "Randy, are you upset about the fine?"
Moss: "No, cause it ain't [expletive]. Ain't nothing but 10 grand. What's 10 grand to me? Ain't [expletive] … Next time I might shake my [expletive]."
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"Don't piss on my leg and tell me that it's raining."- Darrel Royal
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"He ate my right and my left." - Lennox Lewis after knocking out Mike Tyson. In response to the statement that Tyson would "eat his children."
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"Who is this kid? Did he get enough hugs growing up?" - Kobe Bryant
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"I'm taking my ball and I'm going home"--John Kruk, during his comeback after having surgery to remove a cancerous testicle
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"I was misquoted in my autobiography" - Charles Barkley - Terrell Owens
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'I'm from Philadelphia'
small time boxer who was standing and fighting on nothing but will power, ref asked him if he wanted to throw in the towel, and he responded in fashion...
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"PLAYOFFS?!"
ahhh, Mora at his finest. second greatest coach's conference ever, behind only Wayne Fonts's immortal: "We suck. Any questions?"
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"There's never been any conclusive proof linking concussions with brain damage."- Troy Aikman
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After Ronnie Brown got selected two picks before him, Cadillac Williams is quoted as saying, on television: "He may have won the war, but the battle is far from over."
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Classic John McKay, TB Bucs' first ever head coach:
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"We’ve broken down the expansion teams and they’ve averaged winning 2.7 games their first year, which to me is rather difficult. I figured out the 2, but the .7 has got me wondering what the hell is going on.”
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On the play of Joe Namath in the Jets 34-0 victory over Tampa Bay, “Namath is still Namath, but I must say that our guys were nice to him. I noticed when they knocked him down, they helped him to his feet. That was gentlemanly. I thought one stood around long enough to get his autograph.”
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"Emotion is highly overrated in football. My wife Corky is emotional as hell but can't play football worth a damn."
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After his unbeaten '69 team, the Cardiac Kids, beat UCLA 14-12 on a touchdown pass by Jimmy Jones with 1:32 to go: "I've checked my heart, and I don't have one."
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Kellen Winslow, right before Veteran's Day, and just after the war with Iraq started:
"Yeah, I don't give a hell. It's about this U, man. I don't give a flyin' you-know-what about a Vol. I don't give a damn!!! He would do the same thing to me. It's war. They don't give a freakin' you-know-what about you. They will kill you. They're out there to kill you. So I'm 'a kill 'em. You write that in the paper. You write that. You make money off that. No, man, I'm pissed. All y'all take this down. I'm pissed, man. We don't care about nobody except this U. We don't. If I didn't hurt him, he'd hurt me. They were gunnin' for my legs. I'm 'a come right back at 'em. I'm a ____in' soldier!"
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Despite the fact that he had a complicated thigh injury which meant that he had a lengthy period of rehabilitation ahead of him, Real Madrid signed Jonathan Woodgate for £13.4m from Newcastle United (who he had only played 37 out of a possible 127 games for).
Finally, after waiting 561 days for his Real Madrid debut, Woodgate made his entrance in style by scoring an own goal and getting sent off for 2 bookable offences. Appearing in the Bernabéu press area, he attended to the local media in Spanish before producing this little gem for the English:
"F*ck me. F*ck. Ing. Hell. My God. Where do I start? I'm still in shock. An own goal and sent off. What a debut. What a debut! After the own goal and the yellow I was thinking: 'Jesus Christ, don't get sent off', and then I got sent off."
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That was always the difference between Muhammad Ali and the rest of us. He came, he saw, and if he didn't entirely conquer - he came as close as anybody we are likely to see in the lifetime of this doomed generation. - Hunter S. Thompson
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: across.co.nz

Image: cleanjoke.com
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SKIING HUMOR
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A Skier's Dictionary
From Dennis Fahringer
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Alp:
One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"
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Avalanche:
One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
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Bones:
There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.
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Exercises:
A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes:
*Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs.
*Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes.
*Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.
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Prejump:
Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans.
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Shin:
The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.
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Ski! :
A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.
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Skier:
One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
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Stance:
Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Why?" Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
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Traverse:
To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.
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Tree:
The other method.
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: possumsal.homestead.com

Image: afraidofedhochuli.blogspot.com
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FOOTBALL HUMOR
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Church Football
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Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
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Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
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Halftime - The period between Sunday school and worship when many choose to leave
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Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
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Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
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Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the collection plate.
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Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and people begin to gather up your children and belongings.
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Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
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Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".
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Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
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End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
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Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
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Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to be there for the whole service.
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Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: possumsal.homestead.com

Image: tommcmahon.net
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BASEBALL HUMOR
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Baseball was a well-established sport even in biblical times.:

Genesis 1:1 ... "In the big inning"

Genesis 24: ... 15,16 "Rebekah went to the well with a pitcher"

Numbers 11:32 ... "ten homers"

Second Kings 25:16 ... "and the bases which Solomon had made"

Psalms 19:12 ... "Who can understand his errors?"

Psalms 26:1 ... "1 have trusted, therefore, I shall not slide."

Jeremiah 15:7 ... "And I will fan them"

Ezekiel 36:12 ... "Yea, I will cause men to walk"

Luke 17:17 ... "but where are the nine?"

Galatians 5:7 ... "Ye did run well"
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: possumsal.homestead.com

Image: srfboy.com
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SPORTS QUOTES
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
~Phyllis Diller
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"The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender."
- Vince Lombardi
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I played as much golf as I could in North Dakota, but summer up there is pretty short. It usually falls on Tuesday.
~Mike Morley
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Golfing great Ben Hogan's famous reply when asked how to improve one's game was: "Hit the ball closer to the hole."
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In Africa, some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression.
In America, they call it golf.
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In tennis the addict moves about a hard rectangle and seeks to ambush a fuzzy ball with a modified snow-shoe.
~Elliot Chaze
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"I used to be a heavy gambler.
But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind."
- Steve Allen
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There are really only three things to learn in skiing: how to put on your
skis, how to slide downhill, and how to walk along the hospital corridor.
~Lord Mancroft
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20,000 people gathered in Buenos Aires to hear Venezuelan President Chavez bash President Bush. Things got so violent, officials were afraid a soccer match was going to break out.
-- Jim Barach
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It may be that all games are silly. But then, so are humans.
~Robert Lynd
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