FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: cemc.org

GOLF LINGO
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ADDRESSING THE BALL: A player has "addressed the ball" when he/she has taken his/her stance and also grounded his/her club, except that in a hazard a player has addressed the ball when he has taken his/her stance.
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ADVICE: Any counsel or suggestion which could influence a player in determining his/her play, the choice of a club or the method of making a stroke.
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BALL IN PLAY: A ball is "in play" as soon as the player has made a stroke on the teeing ground. It remains in play until holed out (unless another ball has been substituted for a lost ball, out of bounds or damaged ball; in these cases the substituted ball becomes the ball "in play").
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BANANA BALL: A bad slice, so called because the flight of the ball resembles the shape of a banana.
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BARBER: A player who talks to the point of annoyance. Also called a parrot.
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BIRDIE: A score of one under par for a single hole.
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BOGEY: A score of one over par for a single hole..
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BUNKER: A hazard consisting of a prepared area of ground, often hollow from which turf or soil has been removed and replaced with sand or the like. Also called a sand hazard or sand trap.
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CASUAL WATER: Any temporary accumulation of water on the course which is visible when the player takes his/her stance. Dew and frost are not casual water.
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CADDIE: One who carries or handles a player's clubs during play and otherwise assists him/her in accordance with the Rules.
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COLLAR: Edge of a bunker (sand trap).
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COMMITTEE: The committee is in charge of the competition or the course (if there is no competition).
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COMPETITOR: A player in a stroke competition. A "fellow competitor" is any person with whom the competitor plays. A competitor is the opposite of a partner.
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CROSS-BUNKER: A narrow bunker that crosses a hole at a right angle to the player's line of flight to the green.
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DORMIE: A situation in match play when a player or a side is ahead by the amount of holes remaining to be played. In such a case, the trailing player or side must win the remaining holes to tie or come out even.
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DOUBLE BOGEY: A score of two over par for a single hole.
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DOUBLE EAGLE: A score of three under par for a single hole. Also called an albatross.
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EAGLE: A score of two under par for a single hole.
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FRIED EGG: A ball that is buried in the sand. Also called a plugged lie.
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FROG HAIR: The short grass that borders the putting green. Also called the fringe.
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GIMMEE: A short putt usually two feet of less that a friendly opponent declares does not have to be holed out. Not allowed in stroke play tournaments or championships.
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GROUND UNDER REPAIR: Any portion of the course so marked by order of the Committee or authorized representative.
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HAZARD: A hazard is any bunker (sand trap) or water hazard.
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HITTING IT FAT: Hitting the ground behind the ball first, causing an embarrassing big divot with the ball going a short distance.
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HONOR: The side entitled to play first from the next teeing ground is said to have the "honor".
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IN THE LEATHER: A putt closer to the hole than the distance between the putter's head and its grip. In friendly match play, an opponent may declare such a putt a "gimme".
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LATERAL WATER HAZARD: Is a water hazard or that part of the water hazard so situated that it is not possible or impracticable to drop a ball behind it. It usually runs parallel to the line of play towards the hole and is marked by red stakes or lines on the ground.
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LOB SHOT: A short, high shot with a lob wedge with about 60 degrees loft.
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LOST BALL: A ball is lost if it is not found or identified as the player's ball within five minutes after the search for it begins. It is a good idea to hit a provisional ball if the player thinks his/her ball may be lost.
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MULLIGAN: A second shot off the tee, often permitted in a casual round and usually only on the first tee. During some charitable or money-generating tournaments, mulligans are sold to generate additional income and may be used on certain holes or any hole, depending on the rules of that particular tournament.
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OUT OF BOUNDS: Is ground on which play is prohibited. It is not part of the course and marked by white stakes, lines, or as designated on the scorecard (could be a fence, ditch, line of trees indicating property boundaries, etc,)
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OUTSIDE AGENCY: An agency not part of the match or side and includes a referee, marker, observer or a forecaddie, birds, other animals, maintenance equipment, and the like. Neither the wind or water are outside agencies.
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PAR: The designated score on the scorecard for a single hole or for the course total.
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PARTNER: A player associated with any player on the same side.
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PENALTY STROKE: Is one added to the score of a player or side under certain Rules.
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POT BUNKER: A small, deep bunker (sand trap).
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PROVISIONAL BALL: A ball played (under Rule 27-2) for a ball which may be lost outside a water hazard or may be out of bounds.
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QUAIL HIGH: A long shot that has a low trajectory. Also called a bullet or boring shot.
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RABBIT: A topped shot that bounces erratically. Also called a scooter, grounder, or screamer.
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RAINMAKER: A ball hit underneath that goes almost straight up and very high into the air.
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RUB OF THE GREEN: When a ball in motion is stopped or deflected by an "outside agency". In other words, there is no penalty and the ball must be played is it lies. It is just "tough luck"! .
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RULE(S): Includes USGA Rules of Golf and includes Local Rules made by the Committee or listed on the course scorecard.
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SIDE: A player, or two or more players who are partners. (See "Sides and Matches" for a complete definition under Section II, Definitions, in the USGA Rules of Golf).
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SKULLING: Hitting a chip of pitch shot too hard or high on the ball sending the ball past the green or target.
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SKYWRITING: The act of making a loop or circle with the club head at the top of the backswing.

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STANCE: Taking a stance consists in a player placing his/her feet in position for and preparatory to making a stroke.
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STONY: A shot where the ball lands close to the flagstick of "stone close". A great shot and also called "stiff" or "stiffing it".
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STROKE: Is the forward movement of the club made with the intention of fairly striking at and moving the ball; but, if a player checks his/her downswing voluntarily before the clubhead reaches the ball, he/she is deemed not to have made a stroke.
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TEE or TEEING GROUND: Is the starting place for the hole to be played. It is rectangular area two club-lengths in depth, with the front and sides defined by two tee markers.
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THROUGH THE GREEN: Is the whole area of the course except: the teeing ground and putting green of the hole being played, and all hazards on the course..
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TRIPLE BOGEY: A score of three over par for a single hole. (Not good, but better than a quadruple bogey or worse!).
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WATER HAZARD: Is any sea, lake, pond, river, ditch, surface drainage ditch or other open water course (whether or not containing water) and anything of a similar nature.
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WHIFF: A swing that misses the ball completely.
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WRONG BALL: Is any ball other than the player's ball in play, provisional ball or second ball played.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: cemc.org

GOLF QUOTES
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The average golfer doesn't play golf. He attacks it! ~ Jackie Burke
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Golf is a game of expletives not deleted. ~ Dr. Irving A. Gladstone
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You have to make corrections in your game a little bit at a time. It's like taking your medicine. A few aspirin will probably cure what ails you, but the whole bottle might just kill you.~ Harvey Penick
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I may be the only golfer never to have broken a single putter, if you don't count the one I twisted into a loop and threw into a bush. ~ Thomas Boswell
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If you pick up a golfer and hold it close to your ear, like a conch shell, and listen, you will hear an alibi. ~ Fred Beck
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Mulligan: invented by an Irishman who wanted to hit one more twenty-yard grounder!~ Jim Bishop
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I say this without reservations whatsoever: It is impossible to outplay an opponent you can't outthink. ~ Lawson Little
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Give me a man with big hands, big feet, and no brains and I will make a golfer out of him!~ Walter Hagen
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When you reflect on the combination of characteristics that golf demands of those who presume to play it, it is not surprising that golf has never had a truly great player who was not also a person of extraordinary character. ~ Frank D. "Sandy" Tatum, Jr.
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The hardest shot is a mashie (a golf club with medium loft) at ninety yards from the green, where the ball has to be played against an oak tree, bounced back into a sand trap, hits a stone, bounces on the green, and then rolls into the cup. That is so difficult I have only made it once!~ Zeppo Marx
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Charley hits some good woods - most of them are trees!~ Glen Campbell on his friend Charley Pride
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Anyone who criticizes a golf course is like a person invited to a house for dinner who, on leaving, tells the host that the food was lousy. ~ Gary Player
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A golf course is the epitome of all that is purely transitory in the universe, a space not to dwell in, but to get over as quickly as possible! ~ Jean Giraudoux
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If your adversary is a hole or two down, there is no serious cause for alarm in his complaining of a severely sprained wrist... Should he happen to win the next hole, these symptoms will in all probability less troublesome! ~ Horace G. Hutchinson
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Baffling late-life discovery: Golfers wear those awful clothes on purpose. ~ Herb Caen
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The golfer has more enemies than any other athlete. He has fourteen clubs in his bag, all of them different; eighteen holes to play, all of them different, every week; and all around him are sand, trees, grass, water, wind, and 143 other players. In addition, the game is 50 percent mental, so his biggest enemy is himself! ~ Dan Jenkins
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Like life, golf can be humbling. However, little good comes from brooding about mistakes we've made. The next shot, in golf or life, is the big one! ~ Grantland Rice
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Keep on hitting it straight until the "wee ball" goes in the hole! ~ James Braid
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"There's only one way to play the game. You might as well praise a man for not robbing a bank as to praise him for playing by the rules." ~ Robert Tyre Jones known as Bobby Jones, one of the greatest, if not the greatest amateur golfers of all time. No one exemplified good sportsmanship than Bobby Jones, who made the above statement at the 1925 U.S. Open, when a asked about calling a penalty on himself when the ball moved as he addressed the ball. No one else had seen it move. That penalty ended up costing him the championship.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: baltimoreexaminer.com

SPORTS QUOTES

"They should be easy to spot. We're not going to see a lot of
head-first slides anymore."
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FOX baseball announcer Joe Buck joking with David Letterman about
a report on the number of MLB players now using Viagara.

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"When I heard it, it was like, ` I can't believe he said that.`
What am I going to do, holler and scream at him? Johnny's
fine. He says what's on his mind and shoots from the hip
and then fixes it later. I do that a lot."
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PGA golfer Rocco Mediate responding to Johnny Miller's
comment that he looks like someone who should be cleaning
Tiger Woods' pool.