SPECIAL EDITORIAL NOTE FROM SPORTS_NUT, 2/26/2011
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Welcome to the retirement edition of Funny Sports Quotes.
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The Funny Sports Quotes blog was created in 11/2007 after I could see I could become a blogger very easily using Google's 3-step process for creating a blog online.
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For me, like most, work is not my idea of a fun experience, so I had to choose the topic that I would most enjoy pursuing and that, for me, was finding and posting funny sports quotes for entertaining and, in some cases, educating an audience on facets of sports even the most ardent sports fans may not have been aware of.
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At the same time, I decided to compile a database of funny sports quotes that sports fans and quote fans could visit for "one-stop" shopping, thereby helping them to avoid the need to search elsewhere for sports quotes.
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So, from 11/2007 until 2/2011. I have compiled quotes on the Funny Sports Quotes blog and its sister blog, FSQuotes, that is accessible only from the Funny Sports Quotes blog.
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As of 2/26/2011, I believe I have achieved my objective first set in 11/2007, which signals for me the end of my funny sports quotes database project.
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Kindly note that I have already made the last post (SI Swimsuit) to the blog, shut off further entries to Comments, and I will shut off the email address sports.quotes@gmail.com on 03/14/2011.
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Also note that many features previously cited on this page have been removed, so that a bare-bones FSQ remains for your future reference.
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I do hope that my venture was successful in bringing a smile to your face or a skip to your step, since that was all FSQ was created for, your entertainment and pleasure.
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In closing, I wish you and yours, Godspeed!
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Saturday, April 5, 2008

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: blogs.usatoday.com

RUGBY HUMOR

Sports news of the weird, part one

Man walks into the doctor's office and says, "Hey Doc, I have a toothache in my head."

There's no direct punch line, just a setup for this story: Rugby player Ben Czislowski complained of headaches after a collision with Matt Austin. Czislowski, who needed stitches after the incident, also developed an eye infection, felt tired and the pain in his head continued.

More than three months later, a doctor discovered the problem -- one of Matt Austin's teeth was stitched in Czislowski's head.

"I can laugh about it now, but the doctor told me it could have been serious, with teeth carrying germs," Czislowski said.






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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: hardware.slashdot.com

Track and Field
 
Oscar Pistorius, a world-class sprinter, has been denied a shot at participating in the Olympics this year. He's a double-amputee, but he's not out because of his handicap; he's disqualified because he's faster than most sprinters.
 
"The runner — who uses carbon-fiber, prosthetic feet — was reviewed by the International Association of Athletics Federations (or IAAF), a review which found the combination of man and machine to be too much for its purely human competitors. According to the IAAF report, the 'mechanical advantage of the blade in relation to the healthy ankle joint of an able bodied athlete is higher than 30-percent.' Additionally, Pistorius uses 25-percent less energy than average runners due to the artificial limbs, therefore giving him an unfair advantage on the track."




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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: nfl.com

NFL FOOTBALL QUOTES
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The Favre retirement

As well all know, Brett Favre hung up his cleats as this week after 17 seasons. I had a chance on my Sirius Radio show to talk to a number of people about Favre's announcement. Some of the comments were funny, some were insightful and others were a bit sad. Here's the best of my conversations.

1. Dan Marino -- I talked with Marino who spoke about how hard it would be for Favre to watch the Packers take the field without him next year. Marino said, "Hey, there goes my team in my stadium and I'm not part of it anymore. That will be the toughest moment of all."

2. Al Harris -- The Packers cornerback said, "I'll miss Brett walking out to practice yelling over to the defensive backs, 'I'm going to get some of you guys cut today.'"

3. Steve Marriucci - Mariucci asked Favre during Super Bowl week in January if he wanted his opinion on what to do and for the first time in their relationship Favre said he didn't want Mariucci's advice. Mariucci knew Favre was close to deciding back then because Favre knew that Mariucci would have told him to keep playing.

4. Bob Harlan -- The former president of the Packers was part of the team with Ron Wolf that brought Favre to Green Bay. He told me he was very surprised Favre called it quits. Harlan thought Favre was having so much fun and that he would go on for at least another year.

5. William Henderson -- Henderson played fullback during much of Favre's tenure and he couldn't stop talking about how funny Favre was in the locker room. Henderson told me he had a nickname his whole life but soon after he met Favre his nickname was changed by Favre to "Big Stiffy" because he missed a block once. Henderson still hasn't gotten rid of the nickname yet. He also said one day right before kickoff Favre rallied the team around him for a final word of inspiration and shouted out "Yip Cabbage!" No one knew what it meant but they all yelled it with him. Later, Henderson asked Favre what "yip cabbage" meant and the QB told him some old three-tooth guy once said it to him and he liked it.

6. Aaron Taylor -- Taylor was a young offensive guard on the Packers teams that went to the Super Bowl. I asked Aaron about being on the field with Favre the first time he was in one of Favre's famous come-from-behind two-minute drills. Taylor said things were happening real fast, Favre was going no huddle and just grabbing chunks of yards with each play. All of a sudden there was time for a huddle at mid-field and before Favre called a play he looked at Taylor and said, "Did you see that pretty girl sitting in a 40 yard line seat? He made me look before the play was called and he just got me to relax," Taylor said.






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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: time.com

TRACK AND FIELD
Measured Milers
Like many another track fan, Dr. R. W. Parnell, physician in charge of Oxford's student health service, has often wondered what makes one athlete better than another. The obvious generalities didn't satisfy him. Hefty, well-muscled specimens usually make better shot-putters than the long, lanky types that might be high jumpers. Good runners usually have large hearts and slow pulses. But are there certain inborn physical characteristics that make one athlete a miler and another a dash man, one athlete a champion—and another an also-ran?
Last week in Edinburgh, Dr. Parnell told the British Association for the Advancement of Science that he thought he had the answer. After testing 583 Oxford students, he had found some striking differences between athletes and nonathletes, and between athletes in different events, had reduced his findings to a mathematical formula. The formula: using the metric system, divide a man's height by the cube root of his weight; multiply the result by the diameter of his heart (measured by X ray), and multiply again by his leg length. Middle and long-distance runners ought to score over 15,500; sprinters ought to score less. The highest man scored 18,869. "I predict," announced the doctor boldly, "that this student will break the mile record at Helsinki." A good many nonscientists were ready to agree.
The high scorer: Britain's standout miler, Roger Bannister, who ran away from the best distance men in the U.S. at the Penn Relays last spring (TIME, May 7).






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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: timesonline.com

DARTS HUMOR
Weight of evidence suggests that darts greats are fit not fat

Andy Hamilton

Perhaps you have caught some of the darts World Championship over the past few days. Perhaps you have curled your lips and refused to watch - after all, darts has taken a steep plunge downmarket in recent years. And perhaps you have watched and wondered: how can anyone call this a sport when even overweight men are good at it?

If so, you have missed the point. The prevalence of the overweight is not proof that darts is unathletic. That so many of the sport's best players have the same body plan suggests very strongly that the sport has, by the ruthless processes of natural selection, come up with the ideal physique. It cannot be coincidence; we must conclude that the top players are not good in spite of being overweight, they are good partly because they are overweight.

Leading darts players tend to be broad-shouldered, burly, thick of forearm, shortish in the arm, with plenty of weight about belly and bum. This ballast helps them to keep a perfect balance while leaning forward at a steep angle.

The art of darts is in perfect stillness of everything save the forearm of the throwing arm: the big frame, anchored to the ground by adipose tissue, makes this possible on a consistent, endlessly repeatable basis. Watch Phil Taylor. When he throws a dart, nothing moves but his right forearm and an eyebrow.

As marathon running produces skinny men who have to run round in the shower to get wet, as weightlifting produces short-levered men with mighty torsos, as basketball produces skyscraping giants, so darts produces its generously fleshed champions. It's called survival of the fittest. That's not a joke, by the way. Fit doesn't mean strong or healthy, it means suitable. As evolution makes gazelles fast and elephants big, so the processes of sport bring us muscle-popping sprinters, etiolated high jumpers, gigantic shot putters - and tubby darts players. It is not an accident, it is the pursuit of excellence.






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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: richardmacwilliam.com

SPORTS POEM
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Here's a funny poem by the famous P.G.Wodehouse
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SPORT

And so the season of sport is upon us.

Cricket, and the sound of willow hitting someone's balls,
A Bouncer to take off his head,
Arguments with the umpire resulting in knives drawn
And a riot in the beer-bellied crowd.

Tennis: the reigning champion is a non-entity, robot-trained
And fed on a diet of numbers,
15-love, 30-love, 40-love, Game!
With baseline serves fired from precision arms
And a slack-jawed face blanked by too many years of counting money -
Ah, the passion!
The crowd turns
To watch a sparrow landing
Or a cloud spill some rain.

Golf: a behemoth strides the course
But hypnotised by the telly we have to watch the dragging bores
Claw their way round,
Only the brightness of their jerseys
Preventing us from dropping off the precipice of our excitement.

Football: the national game,
Ruled by turkeys, played by drones,
Watched by cardboard boxes -
Force-fed on money, its gut exploded,
Sex-starved shenanigans by the ruling elite fill empty pages.

Ah! But wait -
Women's football shows flair and imagination,
Not yet ruled by the corrupt or watched by Tracy's boyfriend,
It leaps off the screen
With a scream that yells, 'You better bloody well watch me!'

Rugby: the buggers run in the rain
In Wigan
In mud -
If you ask me it's a bit of a dud.

Baseball: 3 a.m, the world asleep,
Commentators chew on names,
Inject excitement into fat men with fat bums,
Home runs,
Girly Rounders,
No one seems to care it's dumb.

Basketball: tall men, long arms,
Jumping high,
No charms.

Ice-hockey: frenetic pace,
Pucks hurtle invisibly around icy arenas,
Padded shoulders thump each other,
'If only these sticks were guns!' you can hear them think,
'We'd finish off you losers completely!'

Boxing: two shits you wouldn't want to meet in a bar
Obey rules.
And that's the achievement.

American football: indistinguishable from their military tactics,
Philistines advance in massed ranks,
Brute force against brute force -
Size is everything.
It's a battlefield out there,
But foreign spectators just don't care.

Wrestling: two Queens ham it up for the cameras,
Massaging each other's shoulders afterwards.

Athletics: lean women who can't menstruate
Jostle with sprinters in lycra-clad pornography
As high-jumpers whose legs finish a mile away
Crowd out rowers with blank, square-jawed faces,
Skiers who can't forgive Eddie,
Swimmers with elongated bodies
And squat dwarves pumping weights.

It's a melange of images,
Faintly disturbing -
I switch off the T.V.








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