SPECIAL EDITORIAL NOTE FROM SPORTS_NUT, 2/26/2011
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Welcome to the retirement edition of Funny Sports Quotes.
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The Funny Sports Quotes blog was created in 11/2007 after I could see I could become a blogger very easily using Google's 3-step process for creating a blog online.
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For me, like most, work is not my idea of a fun experience, so I had to choose the topic that I would most enjoy pursuing and that, for me, was finding and posting funny sports quotes for entertaining and, in some cases, educating an audience on facets of sports even the most ardent sports fans may not have been aware of.
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At the same time, I decided to compile a database of funny sports quotes that sports fans and quote fans could visit for "one-stop" shopping, thereby helping them to avoid the need to search elsewhere for sports quotes.
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So, from 11/2007 until 2/2011. I have compiled quotes on the Funny Sports Quotes blog and its sister blog, FSQuotes, that is accessible only from the Funny Sports Quotes blog.
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As of 2/26/2011, I believe I have achieved my objective first set in 11/2007, which signals for me the end of my funny sports quotes database project.
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Kindly note that I have already made the last post (SI Swimsuit) to the blog, shut off further entries to Comments, and I will shut off the email address sports.quotes@gmail.com on 03/14/2011.
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Also note that many features previously cited on this page have been removed, so that a bare-bones FSQ remains for your future reference.
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I do hope that my venture was successful in bringing a smile to your face or a skip to your step, since that was all FSQ was created for, your entertainment and pleasure.
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In closing, I wish you and yours, Godspeed!
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Thursday, April 3, 2008

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: soccerjokes.com

SOCCER QUOTES

Did they really say that!

"Barcelona... a club with a stadium that seats 120,000 people. And they're all here in Newcastle tonight!"

"Ronaldo is always very close to being either onside or offside."

"We were a little bit outnumbered there, it was two against two."

"Julian Dicks is everywhere, it's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."


"If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal."

"You weigh up the pros and cons and try to put them into chronological order."


"Robert Lee was able to do some running on his groin for the first time."


"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."


"I'm not a believer in luck but I do believe you need it."


"What will you do when you leave football, Jack... will you stay in football?"


"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot."


"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails."


"I've got a gut feeling in my stomach..."


"The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day"


"I would not say he [David Ginola] is the best left-winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."


"Johnson has revelled in the 'hole' behind Dwight Yorke..."


"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."


"Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals."


"You don't score 64 goals in 86 games at the highest level without being able to score goals."


"What's it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas began? I suppose it's like seeing Ian Wright at Arsenal..."


"And we all know that in football if you stand still you go backwards..."


"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs ...


"The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goal post's eyes."


"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen."


"The lads really ran their socks into the ground."


"He [Brian liaudrup] wasn't just facing one defender - he was facing one at the front and one at the back as well."


"It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday."


"...but Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on 75% of their nine goals."


"an excellent player, but he [Ian Wright] does have a black side."


"We say 'educated left foot', of course, there are many players with educated right foots."


"That's twice now he [Terry Phelan] has got between himself and the goal."


"Mark Hughes at his very best: he loves to feel people right behind him... "

"Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."


"We threw our dice into the ring and turned up trumps."


"And I suppose they [Spurs] are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now than any other tine since the first half of this season, when they weren't ever in it anyway."


"...and he crosses the line with the ball almost mesmerically tied to his foot with a ball of string..."


"I never make predictions and I never will."


"And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the cold."


"...and the news from Guadalajara, where the temperature is % degrees, is that Falcao is warming up."


"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again."


"The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee."


"I think that was a moment of cool panic there."


"Beckenbauer really has gambled all his eggs."


"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve."


"I spent four indifferent years at Goodison Park, but they were great years."


"Souness gave Fleck a second chance and he grabbed it with both feet."


"They have missed so many chances they must be wringing their heads in shame."


"It's headed away by John Clark, using his head."


"Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this Cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs side."


"He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him.


"The shot from Laws was precise but wide."


"The game is balanced in Arsenal's favour."


"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different."


"Many clubs have a question mark in the shape of an axe-head hanging over them."


"Tottenham have impressed me. They haven't thrown in the towel even though they have been under the gun'."


"You have got to miss them to score sometimes."


"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead."


"A contract on a piece of paper, saying you want to leave, is like a piece of paper saying you want to leave."


"It was that game that put the Everton ship back on the road."


"And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds."


"Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs on."


"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponent's goal."


"That's football, Mike, Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven't scored but England have had no chances and scored twice. and so they have not been able to improve their 100% record."

"In terms of the Richter Scale this defeat was a force eight gale."


"In comparison, there's no comparison."


"I would also think that the action replay showed it to be worse than it actually was."


"Mirandinha, will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put together."


"Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins."


"Football's not like an electric light. You can't just flick the switch and change from quick to slow."


"Certain people are FOR me and certain people are PRO me."


"I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way."


"And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0."


"They have got their feet on the ground and if they stay that way they will go places."


"Being naturally right-footed he doesn't often chance his arm with his left foot."


"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."


"What I said to them at half-time would be unprintable on the radio."


"If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistent."


"If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers."


"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head."


"The crowd think that Todd handled the ball ....they must have seen something that nobody else did."


"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."


"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Highway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different."


"Glenn Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we know. Neither has Bryan Robson."

"There's no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best. He's another Ryan Giggs."


"The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we come from the same place, play for the same club, and were discovered by the same man."


"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip."


"I don't think there- is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona."


"jimmy: "Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through? Terry: "I think it's 50-50."


"I was disappointed to leave Spurs, but quite pleased I did."

'Their manager, terry Neil, isn't here today, which suggests he is elsewhere.' (Brian Moore)

'With the very last kick of the game, Bobby McDonald scored with a header.' (Alan Parry)



'Well, it's Ipswich nil, Liverpool two, and if that's the way the score stays then you've got to fancy Liverpool to win.' (Peter Jones)

'Bolton are on the crest of a slump.' (Anon)



'You couldn't have counted the number of moves Alan Ball made . . . I counted four and possibly five.' (John Motson)



'When one team scores early in the game, it often takes an early lead.' (Pat Marsden)



'And Meade had a hat-trick. He scored two goals.' (Richard Whitmore)



'I am a firm believer that if you score one goal, the other team have to score two to win.' (Howard Wilkinson)



'Ian Rush unleashed his left foot and it hit the back of the net.' (Mike England)



'It will be a shame if either side lose. And that applies to both sides.' (Jock Brown)



'It was a good, match which could have gone either way and very nearly did.' aim Sherwin)



'He had an eternity to play that ball, but he took too long over it.' (Martin Tyler)



'Everything in our favour was against us.' (Danny Blanchflower)



'Nearly all the Brazilian players are wearing yellow shirts. It's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour.' (John Motson)
'And so they have not been able to improve on their hundred percent record.' (Sports Roundup)

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: forbes.com

CHAMPION ATHLETE FACTORIES
The National Collegiate Athletic Association's most consistently successful programs function as pipelines to the various professional sports leagues. To identify the top professional athlete-producing schools, Forbes examined the current rosters of every team in the National Football League, Major League Baseball, the National Basketball Association, the National Hockey League and Major League Soccer. We noted the college affiliation (if any) of each player, toted them up and computed our Top 10 ranking.

No. 1 University of Michigan
Number of pro players: 68
Current players include Amani Toomer, New York Giants; Tom Brady, New England Patriots; Todd Collins, Washington Redskins; Juwan Howard, Dallas Mavericks; Marty Turco, Dallas Stars.
No. 2 Ohio State
Number of pro players: 62
Current players include Mike Vrabel, New England Patriots; Santonio Holmes, Pittsburgh Steelers; Daequan Cook, Miami Heat; Nick Swisher, Chicago White Sox; Rod Pelley, New Jersey Devils.
No. 3 University of Miami
Number of pro players: 60
Current players include Vinny Testaverde, Carolina Panthers; Ray Lewis, Baltimore Ravens; Warren Sapp, Oakland Raiders; Guillermo Diaz, Los Angeles Clippers; Pat Burrell, Philadelphia Phillies.

No. 4 UCLA
Number of pro players: 59
Current players include Jason Kapono, Toronto Raptors; Earl Watson, Seattle SuperSonics; Jason Bell, New York Giants; Bryan Fletcher, Indianapolis Colts; Chase Utley, Philadelphia Phillies.

No. 5 (tie) Florida State
Number of pro players: 51
Current players include Laveranues Coles, New York Jets; Ray Willis, Seattle Seahawks; Von Wafer, Denver Nuggets; J.D. Drew, Boston Red Sox; Scott Proctor, Los Angeles Dodgers.
No. 5 (tie) University of Notre Dame
Number of pro players: 51
Current players include Jerome Collins, New York Giants; Mike Richardson, New England Patriots; Troy Murphy, Indiana Pacers; Aaron Heilman, New York Mets; Brett Lebda, Detroit Red Wings.

No. 7 (tie) University of North Carolina
Number of pro players: 50
Current players include Rasheed Wallace, Detroit Pistons; Vince Carter, New Jersey Nets; Sam Aiken, Buffalo Bills; Victor Worsley, Indianapolis Colts; Kyle Snyder, Boston Red Sox.
No. 7 (tie) Louisiana State University
Number of pro players: 50
Current players include Shaquille O'Neal, Orlando Heat; Kevin Faulk, New England Patriots; JaMarcus Russell, Oakland Raiders; Russ Springer, St. Louis Cardinals; Aaron Hill, Toronto Blue Jays.

No. 7 (tie) University of Florida
Number of pro players: 50
Current players include Jason Williams, Miami Heat; Matt Bonner, San Antonio Spurs; Aaron Walker, St. Louis Rams; Bobby McCray, Jacksonville Jaguars; Ryan Shealy, Kansas City Royals.
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No. 10 University of Tennessee
Number of pro players: 48
Current players include Rashad Moore, New England Patriots; Peyton Manning, Indianapolis Colts; Mark Jones, Tampa Bay Buccaneers; C.J. Watson, Golden State Warriors; R.A. Dickey, Seattle Mariners.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: forbes.com

HORSE RACING HUMOR \ QUOTES
You Can't Buy The Kentucky Derby
David Serchuk, 02.04.08, 7:20 PM ET



Sometimes stallion sperm just isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Sure, the stuff can fetch $300,000 a shot, but that's chump change compared with its mid-1980s peak when thoroughbred stallions commonly earned $500,000--in '80s dollars--for doing what comes naturally. Talk about deflation.

To add insult to injury, it doesn't even always work. You can easily spend the gross national product of a small Caribbean nation attempting to breed a championship racer, only to see it languish on the track.

It's maddening. Despite the best efforts of art and science, you cannot buy the Kentucky Derby. What makes a champion thoroughbred remains as elusive as ever. The least-heralded nag can, and on several occasions has, won the fabled race. On the flip side, some of the priciest horses, bred by some of the world's richest people, simply can't compete.

It turns out that horses are a lot like people. Some are overachievers that live to run and win, while others are underachieving slackers.

"That's what keeps people like me, from a modest background, going," says Thomas Gallo, a thoroughbred-besotted horse buyer and seller from Saratoga Springs, N.Y. "I can produce a horse that can outrun one somebody spent millions to breed."

And he has. One horse born and raised on his farm, Commentator, has earned over $1 million in purses in its career so far. Still, the closest Gallo's gotten to the Kentucky Derby is watching it.

"It's a very unique and energizing business," he says. "It's the only business where a person like you and I can own a piece of an athlete and take a real active participation in a sport. You wake up every morning with dreams of winning the Kentucky Derby, and you have as good a chance as anybody." In fact, horses are so unpredictable that even siblings can be very little alike. Or, as one breeder said to Gallo, "Mrs. O'Neal only had one Shaquille."

At the moment we are in something of a horse boom. Thoroughbred sales totaled $1.46 billion in the U.S., Canada and Europe in 2005, and stratospheric prices are being paid for certain promising young horses. In 2006 a strapping, 2-year-old colt named the Green Monkey sold at auction for a record $16 million. Unfortunately, he has only earned back a little more than $10,000 in purses, and it looks unlikely that he'll be coveted as a breeding stallion.

Even these millions, however, pale against the money spent by other, even better-heeled, or better-sandaled, horse folks. Sheik Mohammed bin Rashid al-Maktoum, the ruler of Dubai, has reportedly spent $1.4 billion on horses, building perhaps the greatest stable in the world. (We estimate his personal fortune at $16 billion But despite such spending, Maktoum has yet to win the Derby.

Surely it must irk the sheik to know that many Derby winners were bought cheaply as colts. Seattle Slew, who won the Triple Crown in 1977, was such a gawky, clumsy colt that he was nicknamed Baby Huey and initially sold for just $17,500. More recently, Derby and Preakness Stakes winner Funny Cide sold as a youth for $21,000.

Although it's impossible to predict which colt will grow into a champion, people still try. One obvious way to try to tilt the odds is by paying huge stud fees for stallions with the best records as sires. Of course, paying big money guarantees nothing. In essence, you're buying past performance. And as with stocks and mutual funds, past performance is no guarantee of future results.

Perhaps the most valuable breeding stallion of all time is Mr. Prospector. Only a moderately talented racer himself, by the time he died in 1999 he'd fathered 165 stakes winners and had stud fees that reached as high as $500,000. But even this fabled stud fathered just one Derby winner, Fusaichi Pegasus, who won in 2000.

The top living stud is Storm Cat, who's sired 158 stakes winners. Storm Cat was the top horse from 2002 through 2007, when he earned a stud fee of $500,000, grossing his owners at Overbrook Farms $100 million in that span. But even Storm Cat saw just 13% of his foals win stakes races, and no Derbies.

It's just this unpredictability that keeps the sport exciting for veteran breeders.

"Every time a baby stands up for the first time, and nurses to its mother, you look at it and say, 'Could this be the one?' " Gallo says. "And you just never know."

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: rootzoo.com

BASKETBALL TRIVIA \ QUOTES


Top 5 College Hoops coaches in history.

5. Coach Mike Krzyzewski
Coach "K", as he is called, was born on February 13, 1947, in Chicago, Illinois. He attended the Army and was a 3-year letterman from '67-'69. He graduated from West Point with a B.S. degree. After serving 5 years in the Army, Coach K began coaching as a graduate assistant under Coach Bob Knight at Indiana University. His first head coaching career came at his alma-mater, Army, a year later. He lead the Cadets to a 73-59 record and 1 NIT appearance in 1978. On May 4, 1980, Coach K became the head coach at Duke University. After a few rough seasons, Coach K built one of the greatest college basketball programs of all time. He was named Coach of the Year 12 times, and "America's Best Coach" in 2001. He was also inducted into the basketball hall of fame in 2001. Coach K led the Blue Devils to back-to-back titles in 1991-1992, one of three teams to achieve such a feat. He was also selected to coach the Men's Olympic Basketball team.
Coach K
4. John Thompson, Sr.
John Thompson, Sr. was born September 2, 1941 in Washington D.C. Thompson went to Providence college, was a part of the 1963 NIT team, and part of the first Providence team to appear in the NCAA tournament. He was an All-American in his senior year of 1964. After his playing career, Thompson went to coach at the University of Georgetown, a team which had a 3-23 record the year before. Thompson quickly changed that, qualifying for the NCAA tournament only 3 years after. Over the next 27 years, Thompson would hold an impressive 596-239 (.714) record with the Hoyas with a streak of 24 straight postseason appearances, 20 of which were the NCAA tournament (the other 4 were NIT appearances). From 1979-1992, the Hoyas appeared in the NCAA tournament, including 3 Final 4 appearances, 2 Finals appearances, and 1 Championship in 1984. He won 7 Coach of the Year awards. He coached the 1988 Summer Olympic Team. He is the first African American head coach to win the NCAA Championship.
John Thompson
3. Dean Smith
Dean Smith was born February 28, 1931 in Emporia, Kansas. Smith served in Germany in the US Air Force, then worked there as the head of the golf and baseball teams. In 1958, Frank McGwire asked Smith to be his assistant coach at the University of North Carolina. For 3 years he served under McGwire, then, in 1961, McGwire was asked to retire and Smith, only 30 years old, took over. His first years were difficult. Due to a scandal, UNC only played 17 games in the 1961-62 season, and went 8-9. This was the only losing season Smith would ever have. After a slow beginning, Smith turned the program around, and they became a constant success. His first success came in the late '60's, when his teams won 3 consecutive regular-season and tournament championships in the ACC, and went to 3 straight Final Fours. It took him 7 trips to the Final Four before actually winning it, nine years to return, and another 2 for his second title. His first title was in 1982, with players such as Michael Jordan and James Worthy. They entered with a 30-2 record. His second and last title run was in 1993. The Tar Heels defeated Michigan's "Fab Five" in the Title game to seal Smith's second title. Smith announced his retirement in 1997. He won 879 games in only 36 years, 2nd on the all-time list. He was one of two people to play on and win a national championship.
Dean Smith
2. Bobby Knight
Robert "Bobby" Knight was born October 25, 1940 in Massillon, Ohio. He was known as "The General" and coached at Texas Tech (current school), Indiana, and Army. Bob Knight holds the record for most wins by any coach in Division I, with 890 (as of 3/27/07). He remains one of the most contraversial coaches, as seen with his temper. He has thrown a chair onto the court during a game, been arrested for physical assult, and had run-ins with the media. He has, although, a very high graduation rate, and run the cleanest programs in history. Knight won 3 Championships (1976, 1981, 1987), one NIT (1984), and led the US Olympic Team to a gold metal.
Bob Knight
1. John Wooden
John Wooden was born October 14, 1910 in Hall, Indiana. He entered Purdue University in 1928, where he was a 3-time All-American Guard and part of the 1932 Purdue National Championship team. After the war, Wooden coached at Indiana State University from 1946-1948. In 1947, Wooden's team won the conference title, and recieved an invite to the NAIB tourney. Wooden turned it down because of their refusal of African American players. John Wooden then began coaching the UCLA Bruins and was nicknamed "The Wizard of Westwood." He gained lasting fame from his 655 wins in 27 seasons and 10 National Titles during his last 12 seasons (including 7 in a row from 1967-1973). His Bruins had a winning streak of 88 games, 4 30-0 seasons, and won 38 straight NCAA Tournament games. John Wooden was named College Basketball Coach of the Year in 1967. Stunningly, he announced his retirement before his final championship, a win over the University of Kentucky. John Wooden has the most NCAA Titles, and the only coach with more than 1 pefect season. UCLA celebrates John Wooden day every February 29.
John Wooden







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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: btishembassy.de


Funny Soccer Quotes 
 
We were all convinced beforehand that we would win the match. And my team performed accordingly, at least for the first two and a half minutes.
Peter Neururer, manager of Hannover 96
 
At last England have appointed a manager who speaks English better than the players.
Brian Clough on the appointment of Sven Goran Eriksson as England manager.

The most educated person at Real Madrid is the woman who cleans the toilets.
Joan Gaspart, Barcelona vice-president, 1997
 
Then my eyesight started to go and I took up refereeing.
Neil Midgley, F.A. Cup Final referee. 1987
 
Football is a simple game; 22 men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans win.
Gary Lineker, 1990
 
The goal was 70% mine and 40% Wilmots.
 Ingo Anderbrügge, when playing for Schalke 04
 
Ernst Kuzorra on Johannes Rau's suggestion that football stadiums could be named after women:
What are we supposed to call them: Ernst-Kuzorra-his-wife's-stadium?

 
Jürgen Klinsmann and I make a good trio.
Fritz Walter jun., who then added: "I meant: quartet."

 
 




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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: newsinfo.inquirer.com

TENNIS HUMOR \ QUOTES

NEW YORK -- Novak Djokovic showed off his impersonations after a US Open quarter-final victory Thursday, serving notice that he might be the next star personality in tennis as well as its hottest new contender.
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The Serbian blitzed Spain's Carlos Moya 6-4, 7-6 (9/7), 6-1 and then drew laughs and cheers from the crowd at Arthur Ashe Stadium with his impressions of Maria Sharapova and Rafael Nadal after prodding from a television announcer.
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"I enjoyed it," Djokovic said. "I'm really happy the people accepted it in a positive way, not trying to make fun of Maria or Rafa or anybody else, just trying to make people laugh and enjoy and have a good time."
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The third seed whose name is aptly pronounced "Joke-o-vic" used his skills at exaggerated mannerisms first as Sharapova, tucking in his shirt, skipping and bouncing beyond the baseline, then sticking out his chest as he walked.
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From the baseline, Djokovic mocked the Russian beauty by slowly smoothing back his hair over each ear, then lifting his arm and bouncing the ball high before firing off a serve.
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"It's funny. He does it very well," Moya said. "That's a gift. If he doesn't succeed in tennis maybe he has a good career in that. I guess he's pretty successful in tennis though."
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To impersonate Nadal, Djokovic rolled up the sleeves of his shirt, bent over to adjust his shoes, raced to the baseline and repeatedly grabbed and tugged at his shorts, especially by the rear.
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"These are just some of the things I usually do to make people laugh. This is one of the ways I like to relax and smile," said Djokovic, whose flamboyance as a showman harkens to the days when players would banter with the crowds.
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"Obviously the people are looking for that, a good tennis player and a player with a lot of emotions and temperament and personality," Djokovic said. "I'm really happy the people are looking at me in that way, talking positive things about me."
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"It's just motivation more for the future. My goal is to be the number one player in the world. I'm just 20. I have a lot of time left. The priority is playing tennis. The rest will come naturally," he said.
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Trying to imitate his idols as a child led Djokovic to develop the mocking moves, although his trademark is bouncing the ball before he serves more than 20 times, a somewhat aggravating habit for which he apologized to the crowd.
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"It's annoying because you know a huge serve is coming," Moya said. "When he is bouncing so many times, he is making all the first the serves. If he does that and he misses, that's OK. He can do that as many times as he wants."
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Djokovic said that only US fifth seed Andy Roddick, another favorite for him to impersonate, has tried to give him a taste of his own medicine.
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Asked if there was a player he had yet to master copying, Djokovic named the same player he has yet to master on the court -- Swiss world number one Roger Federer.
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"The untouchable one, Roger, he's too perfect for my style," Djokovic said. "Plus I don't have long hair. I hope he doesn't hear this."
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Djokovic added that, "You cannot play all the time at the same level, like Roger, but that is what we all try to do."
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Naming John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors as the funniest players he had seen, Djokovic said he was "like a mouse" when it came to his copycating when he was lower ranked.

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