AMERICAN FOOTBALL HUMOR \ CARTOON
PEANUTS \ LUCY \ CHARLIE BROWN \ FOOTBALL
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Friday, May 30, 2008
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: pitypedia.com
SPORTS QUOTES
Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book? --Anonymous
They also surf who only stand on waves. --Anonymous
.
I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade. --Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 in the shade.
San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me. One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo. --George Halas
.Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot. Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade. --Leo Durocher
.Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid. --Indiana University football cheer
.My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world. --Muhammad Ali
.Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. --Snoopy
.So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face. --Yogi Berra
.The one sure way to make a lazy man look respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand. --Anonymous
.On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment -- halftime. --Anonymous
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: virtualtourist.com
SOCCER QUOTES
"In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king, but he still only has one eye." Johan Cruyff (1947); Dutch footballer and coach. (On June 22, 1986, Diego Maradona scored FIFA's "Goal of the Century")
"All I know most surely about morality and obligations, I owe to football".Albert Camus, (1913-1960), French author and philosopher
"Some say in football only winning is important, but I think pleasing the crowd is also essential."Jorge Alberto Valdano (1955), Argentinian football player.
"A country will have reached the highest level of civility when football matches can take place without referees."José Luis Coll (1931), Spanish humorist
"A soccer team is like a nice clock: if one piece is missing,it's still beautiful, but it doesn't work the same"Ruud Gullit (1962), Dutch soccer player.
"Playing an opponent with no attacking attitude?That's like making love to a tree."Jorge Alberto Valdano (1955), Argentinian football player
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: workinghumor.com
SPORTS-RELATED QUOTES BY ERMA BOMBECK
Most kids don't know how to handle defeat. They fall apart. Its important to know how to lose because you do a lot of it when you grow up.
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
It was either Thomas Jefferson – or maybe it was John Wayne – who once said, "Your foot will never get well as long as there is a horse standing on it."
Get trade secrets for amazing burgers. Watch "Cooking with Tyler Florence" on AOL Food.
Most kids don't know how to handle defeat. They fall apart. Its important to know how to lose because you do a lot of it when you grow up.
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
It was either Thomas Jefferson – or maybe it was John Wayne – who once said, "Your foot will never get well as long as there is a horse standing on it."
Get trade secrets for amazing burgers. Watch "Cooking with Tyler Florence" on AOL Food.
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: youthsportsclub.com
Baseball Quotations
I never thought home runs were all that exciting. I still think the triple is the most exciting thing in baseball. To me, a triple is like a guy taking the ball on his 1-yard line and running 99 yards for a touchdown.
- Hank Aaron
I used to love to come to the ballpark. Now I hate it. Every day becomes a little tougher because of all this. Writers, tape recorders, microphones, cameras, questions and more questions. Roger Maris lost his hair the season he hit sixty-one. I still have all my hair, but when it's over, I'm going home to Mobile and fish for a
long time.
- Hank Aaron, as he closed in on Babe Ruth's career home run record
I never thought home runs were all that exciting. I still think the triple is the most exciting thing in baseball. To me, a triple is like a guy taking the ball on his 1-yard line and running 99 yards for a touchdown.
- Hank Aaron
I used to love to come to the ballpark. Now I hate it. Every day becomes a little tougher because of all this. Writers, tape recorders, microphones, cameras, questions and more questions. Roger Maris lost his hair the season he hit sixty-one. I still have all my hair, but when it's over, I'm going home to Mobile and fish for a
long time.
- Hank Aaron, as he closed in on Babe Ruth's career home run record
Mickey (Mantle) meant an awful lot to me. He was a tremendous athlete. People didn't understand him the way they should have. He played 10 years on one leg. But more than that, he was a tremendous person.
- Hank Aaron
I had just turned 20, and Jackie (Robinson) told me the only way to be successful at anything was to go out and do it. He said baseball was a game you played every day, not once a week.
- Hank Aaron
He's been very talkative. But it is usually under oath.
- Sandy Alderson, Oakland A's GM, on Albert Belle
You're only young once, but you can be immature forever
- Larry Andersen
I sent Kruk one of those fruit and nut baskets at the hospital. I don't know if he likes fruit, but I know he'll appreciate the nuts.
- Larry Anderson, on John Kruk, after John Kruk had surgery
I'm beginning to see Brooks [Robinson] in my sleep. If I dropped a paper plate, he'd pick it up on one hop and throw me out at first.
- Sparky Anderson
The great thing about baseball is when you are done, you'll only tell your grandchildren the good things. If they ask me about 1989 I'll tell them I had amnesia.
- Sparky Anderson
- Sparky Anderson
That's why I don't talk. Because I talk too much.
- Joquin Andujar
There's one word that describes baseball -- 'You never know.'
- Joquin Andujar
He's like an amusement-park ride - Even for guys who play.
- Ruben Amaro, on Mark McGwire
It's hard to win when you can't keep the ball in the ballpark. I don't think they could hit more home runs if you told them what was coming. I don't think they could hit any more if it was batting practice.
-Dusty Baker on the Giants giving up 24 home runs in one seven game stretch.
The only people I ever felt intimidated by in my whole life were Bob Gibson and my Daddy.
-Dusty Baker
For five years in the minor leagues, I wore the same underwear and still hit .250, so no, I don't believe in that stuff.
-Dusty Baker, on stuperstitions
I get tired of hearing my ballplayers bellyache all the time. They should sit in the press box sometime and watch themselves play.
-San Diego Padres president Buzzie Bavasi, 1973
-San Diego Padres president Buzzie Bavasi, 1973
I remember one game I got five hits and stole five bases, but none of it was written down because they forgot to bring the scorebook to the game that day.
-James "Cool Papa" Bell, Homestead Grays OF
They say I was born too soon. I say the doors were opened too late.
-James "Cool Papa" Bell
-James "Cool Papa" Bell
How can a guy win a game if you don't give him any runs?
-Robert "Bo" Belinsky, after losing a game 15-0
Jimmy Connors plays two tennis matches and winds up with $850,000, and Muhammad Ali fights for one bout and winds up with five million bucks. Me, I play 190 games--if you count exhibitions -- and I'm overpaid!
-Johnny Bench
An ardent supporter of the home town team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.
-Robert Benchley
The wind always seems to blow against catchers when they are running.
-Yogi Berra
This is a tough park for a hitter when the air conditioning is blowing in.
-Bob Boone on the Astrodome in Houston
The best place to catch a baseball hit by (Mark) McGwire is definitely not within the confines of the playing field, or sometimes even the ballpark. Other players dial '1' for long distance. McGwire has to ask for an international operator.
-Thomas Boswell, writing in the Washington Post
Last year [1986], in 415 at bats, he had 27 homers and 80 steals. That's 40 home runs and 120 steals for a full year. [...] This year [1987], in 93 at bats, he's hitting .409 with those 12 homers, 27 RBI, 28 runs and 13 steals. For a full year, that projects to ... well, it doesn't project to anything. It's nonsense. More than 70 home runs, 170 RBI, 180 runs, 80 steals. Wayne Gretzky stats for baseball.
-Thomas Boswell on Eric Davis
A lot of long relievers are ashamed to tell their parents what they do. The only nice thing about it is that you get to wear a uniform like everbody else.
-Jim Bouton, NY Yankees pitcher
Everybody in the park knows he is going to run, and he makes it anyway.
-Larry Bowa, on Lou Brock
Jackie (Robinson) was the greatest competitor I ever saw. He didn't win. He triumphed.
-Ralph Branca Dodger pitcher
If I stay healthy, I have a chance to collect three thousand hits and one thousand errors.
-George Brett
You mix two jiggers of scotch to one jigger of Metrecal. So far I've lost five pounds and my driver's license.
- Rocky Bridges, on his new diet drink
Coaching third with a pitcher on base is like being a member of a bomb disposal squad. The thing could blow up in your face at any moment.
-Rocky Bridges
You know when you've got it made? When you get your name in the crossword puzzles.
-Rocky Bridges
I prefer fast food.
-Rocky Bridges, on why he won't eat snails
No little boy in the hospital asked me to hit one, I didn't promise it to my kid for his birthday, and my wife will be too shocked to appreciate it. I hit it for me.
-Rocky Bridges, after hitting his first home run in two seasons
No one wants to hear about the labor pains, they just want to see the baby.
-Lou Brock
He seemed to have an obligation to hit.
-Lou Brock, on Pete Rose
To know for sure, I'd have to throw with a normal hand, and I've never tried it.
-Mordecai "Three-Finger" Brown When asked if his curve was helped by the absence of an index finger
I exploit the greed of all hitters.
-Lew Burdette
Let them think I throw it. That gives me an edge because it is another pitch they have to worry about.
-Lew Burdette, on throwing the spitball
They were starting to hit the dry side of the ball.
-Lew Burdette, on when he knew it was time to retire
I threw about 90% fastballs and sliders, 50% fastballs and 50 % sliders...I'm starting to sound like Mickey Rivers.
-John Butcher
I thought I had it. I was twisting around like this. It grazed my glove, hit me on the head, and bounced over. I'll be on ESPN for about a month.
-Jose Canseco
This boy throws so fast you can't see 'em and he knows where he is throwing, because if he didn't there would be dead bodies all over Idaho.
-Joe Cantillion, on Walter Johnson before joining the Washington Senators
I'll tell you what's helped me my entire life. I look at baseball as a game. It's something where people can go out, enjoy and have fun. Nothing more.
- Harry Caray
I get a kick out of watching a team defense me. A player moves two steps in one direction and I hit it two steps in the other direction. It goes right by his glove and I laugh.
-Rod Carew
How do you say, "Adios" in Spanish?
-Clay Carrol, former Reds reliever
Pro-rated at 500 at-bats per year, my 1,081 strike-outs would mean that for 2 years out of the 14 I played, I never touched the ball.
-Norm Cash
I owe my success to expansion pitching, a short right field fence, and my hollow bats.
-Norm Cash, First Baseman for the White Sox and Tigers 1958-74
If you're not having fun in baseball, you miss the point of everything.
-Chris Chambliss
I wasn't scared. I just told them to give me all that hockey equipment.
-Roger Clemens, who wore Mo Vaughn's forearm pad and Kevin Mitchell's shinguard to get his first major-league hit
-Roger Clemens, who wore Mo Vaughn's forearm pad and Kevin Mitchell's shinguard to get his first major-league hit
If a Latin player or even an American Negro is sick, they say it is all in the head. Felipe Alou once went to his team doctor and the doctor said, 'You don't have anything.' So he went to a private doctor and the doctor said, 'You have a broken foot.'
-Roberto Clemente, Pittsburgh Pirates OF
I knew I was in trouble when they had to call a proctologist to set my thumb.
-Rick Dempsey, Baltimore Orioles, after blocking home plate against Bo Jackson
The phrase 'off with the crack of the bat', while romantic, is really meaningless, since the outfielder should be in motion long before he hears the sound of the ball meeting the bat.
-Joe DiMaggio
This guy don't come to the ballpark to beat you. He comes to beat you bad. This Robinson, he plays a ton.
-Leo Durocher, Dodger Manager 1947, on Jackie Robinson
I don't like the record. You can have it.
- Andres Galarraga, after being hit by pitch an Atlanta team record 21 times.
One good night does not a hitter make.
- Tom Glavine after Smoltz's two-hit, three-RBI performance
I loved the game. I'd have played for food money. I'd have played for free and worked for food.
-Joe Jackson, in W.P.Kinsella's Shoeless Joe Jackson
(Nolan) Ryan's the only guy to put fear in me. You just hoped to mix in a walk so you could have a good night and go 0-for-3.
- Reggie Jackson
Sometimes, everyone in the bullpen would like to know if there is Plan B. We're apparently not going to get that information.
- Kerry Ligtenberg
- Kerry Ligtenberg
It's a beautiful shade of mauve.
- Greg Maddux, on the shade of his left leg after taking a liner in the thigh and a hard grounder in the shin
Nolan (Ryan) knows he has perfect mechanics. It makes no difference that he doesn't understand the mechanics. He lucked into throwing the ball right. It came naturally to him. If he had been taught, he probably wouldn't do it right.
--Dr. Mike Marshall, former Major League pitcher
--Dr. Mike Marshall, former Major League pitcher
He looked like a monster. You see the guy on TV, you can tell he's a big guy. When he stands up at the plate, he makes (catcher) Javy (Lopez) look small standing there. You try not to look at him while you pitch to him.
- Kevin Millwood on Mark McGwire
How should I put this? I was receptive to getting that many runs today.
- Denny Neagle after the Braves trounced the Mets 12-1.
I can remember my years with the Mets, just hoping that I'd get four years in so I'd qualify for my pension. That was my goal. Then, after I did that, I thought maybe I could hang on long enough to get ten years in.
- Nolan Ryan
Put the right pitching mechanics together with good health, and there's nothing surprising about lasting a long time.
- Nolan Ryan
I was concerned with my back problems and I said, "Well, I'll just go seven innings. Then I got through seven and decided I'm not going to give in to it because I just needed six more outs. This no-hitter comes so late in my career that it makes it very special."
- Nolan Ryan, on his sixth no-hitter
He has been doing well in Triple-A. He has spent nine years in Triple-A, he should be doing well there.
--Bobby Valentine on Mike Mimbs
What I like about him is he is a regular guy," Valentine said. "But he is not a regular baseball player, and he is going to demand a salary that's irregular.
--Bobby Valentine On Mike Piazza
That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on the ball.
-Bill Veeck, 1976
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: regjones.com
GOLF QUOTES
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"If your opponent is playing several shots in vain attempts to extricate himself from a bunker, do not stand near him and audibly count his strokes. It would be justifiable homicide if he wound up his pitiable exhibition by applying his niblick to your head."
Harry Vardon
"Real golfers, no matter what the provocation, never strike a caddie with the driver. The sand wedge is far more effective."
Huxtable Pippey
"I'm a golfaholic, no question about that. Counseling wouldn't help me. They'd have to put me in prison, and then I'd talk the warden into building a hole or two and teach him how to play."
Lee Trevino
"A passion, an obsession, a romance, a nice acquaintanceship with trees, sand, and water."
Bob Ryan
"If you call on God to improve the results of a shot while it is still in motion, you are using "an outside agency" and subject to appropriate penalties under the rules of golf."
Henry Longhurst
"Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful result."
Tommy Armour
"Golf is the cruelest of sports. Like life, it's unfair. It's a harlot. A trollop. It leads you on. It never lives up to its promises.... It's a boulevard of broken dreams. It plays with men. And runs off with the butcher."
Jim Murray
"Golf is an open exhibition of overweening ambition, courage deflated by stupidity, skill scoured by a whiff of arrogance."
Alistair Cooke
"Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins."
"When it's breezy, hit it easy."
Davis Love, Jr.
"Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course."
Lee Trevino
"I've spent most of my life golfing... the rest I've just wasted."
Author Unknown
"Golf is good for the soul. You get so mad at yourself you forget to hate your enemies."
Will Rogers
"The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise."
Roger Simon
"It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf."
H. L. Mencken
"Play it as it lies" is one of the fundamental dictates of golf. The other is "Wear it if it clashes."
Henry Beard
"I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in vain when I get up there."
Bob Hope, about his golf.
"Golf is an ideal diversion but a ruinous disease."
B.C. Forbes
"If I can hit a curveball, why can't I hit a ball that is standing still on a course?"
Larry Nelson
"I can airmail the golf ball, but sometimes I don't put the right address on it."
Jim Dent
"It is more satisfying to be a bad player at golf. The worse you play, the better you remember the occasional good shot."
Nubar Gulbenkian
"Some of us worship in churches, some in synagogues, some on golf courses."
Adlai Stevenson
"When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit."
Author Unknown
"If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business."
Joey Adams
"Love and putting are mysteries for the philosopher to solve. Both subjects are beyond golfers."
Tommy Armour
"The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling. The sport of choice for front-line workers is football. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis. The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf. Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become."
Author Unknown
"Golf gives you an insight into human nature, your own as well as your opponent's."
Grantland Rice
"I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles."
G.K. Chesterton
"Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet."
Tommy Bolt
"Retire to what? I'm a golfer and a fisherman. I've got no place to retire to."
Julius Boros
"Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick."
P.J. O'Rourke
"What other people may find in poetry or art museums, I find in the flight of a good drive."
Arnold Palmer
"Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."
Author Unknown
"He certainly didn't appear as cool as he looked."
Renton Laidlaw
"A game in which you claim the privileges of age, and retain the play things of childhood."
Samuel Johnson
"They say 'practice' makes perfect." Of course, it doesn't. For the vast majority of golfers it merely consolidates imperfection."
Henry Longhurst
"One of the most fascinating things about golf is how it reflects the cycle of life. No matter what you shoot - the next day you have to go back to the first tee and begin all over again and make yourself into something."
Peter Jacobsen
"Golf has probably kept more people sane than psychiatrists have."
Harvey Penick
"It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place this world is when one is playing golf."
Robert Lynd
"Eighteen holes of match or medal play will teach you more about your foe than will 18 years of dealing with him across a desk."
Grantland Rice
"Pinero has missed the putt. I wonder what he is thinking is Spanish."
Renton Laidlaw
"Forget your opponents; always play against par."
Sam Snead
"I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies."
Will Rogers
"Golf is like an 18-year-old girl with big boobs. You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her."
Val Doonican
"Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic."
Author Unknown
"Playing the game I have learned the meaning of humility. It has given me an understanding of futility of the human effort."
Abba Eban
"He used to be fairly indecisive, but now he's not so certain."
Peter Aliss
"Golf isn't like other sports where you can take a player out if he's having a bad day. You have to play the whole game."
Phil Blackmar
"It's easy to see golf not as a game at all but as some whey-faced, nineteenth-century Presbyterian minister's fever dream of exorcism achieved through ritual and self-mortification."
Bruce McCall
"Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And it took a seven to do that."
Jim Murray
"I'd play every day if I could. It's cheaper than a shrink and there are no telephones on my golf cart."
Brent Musburger
"The number of shots taken by an opponent who is out of sight is equal to the square root of the sum of the number of curses heard plus the number of swishes."
Michael Green
"The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law."
H.G. Wells
"Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad."
A. A. Milne
"The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."
P.G. Wodehouse
"Any game where a man 60 can beat a man 30 ain't no game."
Burt Shotten
"Golf is not just an exercise; it's an adventure, a romance... a Shakespeare play in which disaster and comedy are intertwined."
Harold Segall
"The worst club in my bag is my brain."
Chris Perry
"There is one thing in this world that is dumber than playing golf. That is watching someone else playing golf. What do you actually get to see? Thirty-seven guys in polyester slacks squinting at the sun. Doesn't that set your blood racing?"
Peter Andrews
"One thing about golf is you don't know why you play bad and why you play good."
George Archer
"Golf, like measles, should be caught young."
P.G. Wodenhouse
"Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness."
William Wordsworth
"The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things."
John Updike
"Even God has to practice his putting."
Author Unknown
"When I putt, my emotions collide like tectonic plates. It's left my memory circuits full of scars that won't heal."
Mac O'Grady
"Golf is not, on the whole, a game for realists. By its exactitudes of measurements it invites the attention of perfectionists."
Heywood Hale Broun
"Baseball players quit playing and they take up golf. Basketball players quit, take up golf. Football players quit, take up golf. What are we supposed to take up when we quit?"
George Archer
"A golf course outside a big town serves an excellent purpose in that it segregates, as though a concentration camp, all the idle and idiot well-to-do."
Osbert Sitwell
"Born to golf. Forced to work."
Author Unknown
"Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?"
Bob Hope
"His driving is unbelievable. I don't go that far on my holidays."
Ian Baker-Finch, on John Daly
"I never pray to God to make a putt. I pray to God to help me react good if I miss a putt."
Chi Chi Rodriguez
"Golf seems to me an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dogs out."
Princess Anne of Great Britain
"If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out."
Paul Gallico
"I'm about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That's the distance my left ear is from my right."
Ben Crenshaw
"Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can't play it."
Ted Ray
"There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray."
Lee Trevino
"John certainly gives it a good hit, doesn't he? My Sunday best is a Wednesday afternoon compared to him."
Nick Faldo, on John Daly
"Golf balls are attracted to water as unerringly as the eye of a middle-aged man to a female bosom."
Michael Green
"Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass."
Bob Hope
"My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch."
Lee Trevino
"In golf, you keep your head down and follow through. In the vice presidency, you keep your head up and follow through. It's a big difference."
Vice President Dan Quayle
"You can't call it a sport. You don't run, jump, you don't shoot, you don't pass. All you have to do is buy some clothes that don't match."
Steve Sax
"Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you're tired and most of your balls are missing."
Tim Allen
"One under a tree, one under a bush, one under the water."
Lee Trevino, describing how he was one under during a tournament .
"I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105."
Bob Hope
"If you want to take long walks, take long walks. If you want to hit things with sticks, hit things with sticks. But there's no excuse for combining the two and putting the results on TV. Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to lawns."
National Lampoon
"Gone golfin'... be back dark thirty."
Author Unknown
"A golf ball is like a clock. Always hit it at 6 o'clock and make it go toward 12 o'clock . But make sure you're in the same time zone."
Chi Chi Rodriguez
"Golf is the cruelest game, because eventually it will drag you out in front of the whole school, take your lunch money and slap you around."
Rick Reilly
"The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life."
Chi Chi Rodriguez
"Find a man with both feet firmly on the ground and you've found a man about to make a difficult putt."
Fletcher Knebel
"May thy ball lie in green pastures... and not in still waters."
Author Unknown
"A golf course is nothing but a pool room moved outdoors."
Barry Fitzgerald
"I don't like watching golf on TV. I can't stand whispering."
David Brenner
"One almost expects one of the players to peer into the monitor and politely request viewers to refrain from munching so loudly on cheese and crackers while the golfers are trying to reach the greens."
Pete Alfano
"Golf without mistakes is like watching haircuts. A dinner without wine."
Jim Murray
"Men who would face torture without a word become blasphemous at the short fourteenth. It is clear that the game of golf may well be included in that category of intolerable provocations which may legally excuse or mitigate behavior not otherwise excusable."
A. P. Herbert
"All I've got against it is that it takes you so far from the clubhouse."
Eric Linklater
"After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."
Chi Chi Rodriguez
"Who watches golf on TV? Who calls eight friends over and gets a keg of beer? Landscapers, I guess. They sit around the TV, yelling, "Will you look at that golf path? Pure pea gravel."
Jeff Cesario
"Trevino is in a league by himself. We don't even count him. We figure when you come in second, you're a winner."
Chi Chi Rodriguez
"One minute you're bleeding. The next minute you're hemorrhaging. The next minute you're painting the Mona Lisa."
Mac O'Grady, describing a typical round of golf.
"My body is here, but my mind has already teed off."
Author Unknown
"If you wish to hide your character, do not play golf."
Percey Boomer
Homero Blancas, asked if he had any uphill putts "Yeah, after each of my downhill putts."
"When you hear someone shout "You da man," if he ain't shouting at Arnold Palmer, then it ain't da man."
Ron Green, Charlotte Observer
"What's nice about our tour is you can't remember your bad shots."
Bob Bruce, about the Champions Tour
"Golf is golf. You hit the ball, you go find it. Then you hit it again."
Lon Hinkle
"I'm a golfer, not an athlete."
Lee Westwood
Bev Norwood, British Open historian, challenging the ascertations that Ben Curtis is the most obscure British Open winner:
"That honor would have to go to David "Deacon" Brown, who won at Musselburgh , Scotland , in 1886. Brown was the town chimney sweep and a pretty good golfer. Because they had an odd number of players that year, tournament officials sought out Brown-who was diligently working and covered with soot- to fill out the pairing. They gave him a bath and clean clothes and he shot 79-78 to win by two strokes over Willie Campbell."
"I was a better player at 50 than I was at 30."
Sam Snead
"The most important shot in golf is the next one."
Ben Hogan
"If you want to hit it farther, hit it better."
Jack Nicklaus
"The ball doesn't know if it is a man or a woman who is hitting it."
Isabelle Beisiegel, remarking on her chances of qualifying for the men's tour.
Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high-volume, temperamental, club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards.
His caddie said: "I'd say either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir."
"A 3-iron or a wedge?" asked Bolt.
"What kind of stupid choice is that?"
"Those are the only two clubs you have left, sir." said the caddie.
Dicky Pride, commenting to a spectator after his concentration was broken by the spectator's cell phone ringing:
"Excuse me sir, I'm working here. If you have to work, would you please go to your office."
Nick Faldo, after winning a million dollars in a golf tournament, was feeling generous when he asked his wife if there was anything she'd like to have.
She said "A divorce."
He replied, "I wasn't thinking of anything quite that expensive."
Lee Trevino, who had been struck by lighting while playing golf previously, commenting on why he immediately stops playing when rain and lightning are present:
"When God wants to play through. I let him play through."
Lyndon Johnson, while visiting The Masters golf tournament was asked by a spectator what his handicap was.
Johnson replied "Congress."
"You really know your way around a course. What's your secret?" Nicklaus replied: "The holes are numbered."
Jack Nicklaus, responding to a reporters question.
Tiger Woods
"If your opponent is playing several shots in vain attempts to extricate himself from a bunker, do not stand near him and audibly count his strokes. It would be justifiable homicide if he wound up his pitiable exhibition by applying his niblick to your head."
Harry Vardon
"Real golfers, no matter what the provocation, never strike a caddie with the driver. The sand wedge is far more effective."
Huxtable Pippey
"I'm a golfaholic, no question about that. Counseling wouldn't help me. They'd have to put me in prison, and then I'd talk the warden into building a hole or two and teach him how to play."
Lee Trevino
"A passion, an obsession, a romance, a nice acquaintanceship with trees, sand, and water."
Bob Ryan
"If you call on God to improve the results of a shot while it is still in motion, you are using "an outside agency" and subject to appropriate penalties under the rules of golf."
Henry Longhurst
"Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful result."
Tommy Armour
"Golf is the cruelest of sports. Like life, it's unfair. It's a harlot. A trollop. It leads you on. It never lives up to its promises.... It's a boulevard of broken dreams. It plays with men. And runs off with the butcher."
Jim Murray
"Golf is an open exhibition of overweening ambition, courage deflated by stupidity, skill scoured by a whiff of arrogance."
Alistair Cooke
"Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins."
"When it's breezy, hit it easy."
Davis Love, Jr.
"Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course."
Lee Trevino
"I've spent most of my life golfing... the rest I've just wasted."
Author Unknown
"Golf is good for the soul. You get so mad at yourself you forget to hate your enemies."
Will Rogers
"The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise."
Roger Simon
"It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf."
H. L. Mencken
"Play it as it lies" is one of the fundamental dictates of golf. The other is "Wear it if it clashes."
Henry Beard
"I just hope I don't have to explain all the times I've used His name in vain when I get up there."
Bob Hope, about his golf.
"Golf is an ideal diversion but a ruinous disease."
B.C. Forbes
"If I can hit a curveball, why can't I hit a ball that is standing still on a course?"
Larry Nelson
"I can airmail the golf ball, but sometimes I don't put the right address on it."
Jim Dent
"It is more satisfying to be a bad player at golf. The worse you play, the better you remember the occasional good shot."
Nubar Gulbenkian
"Some of us worship in churches, some in synagogues, some on golf courses."
Adlai Stevenson
"When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit."
Author Unknown
"If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business."
Joey Adams
"Love and putting are mysteries for the philosopher to solve. Both subjects are beyond golfers."
Tommy Armour
"The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling. The sport of choice for front-line workers is football. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis. The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf. Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become."
Author Unknown
"Golf gives you an insight into human nature, your own as well as your opponent's."
Grantland Rice
"I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles."
G.K. Chesterton
"Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet."
Tommy Bolt
"Retire to what? I'm a golfer and a fisherman. I've got no place to retire to."
Julius Boros
"Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick."
P.J. O'Rourke
"What other people may find in poetry or art museums, I find in the flight of a good drive."
Arnold Palmer
"Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour."
Author Unknown
"He certainly didn't appear as cool as he looked."
Renton Laidlaw
"A game in which you claim the privileges of age, and retain the play things of childhood."
Samuel Johnson
"They say 'practice' makes perfect." Of course, it doesn't. For the vast majority of golfers it merely consolidates imperfection."
Henry Longhurst
"One of the most fascinating things about golf is how it reflects the cycle of life. No matter what you shoot - the next day you have to go back to the first tee and begin all over again and make yourself into something."
Peter Jacobsen
"Golf has probably kept more people sane than psychiatrists have."
Harvey Penick
"It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place this world is when one is playing golf."
Robert Lynd
"Eighteen holes of match or medal play will teach you more about your foe than will 18 years of dealing with him across a desk."
Grantland Rice
"Pinero has missed the putt. I wonder what he is thinking is Spanish."
Renton Laidlaw
"Forget your opponents; always play against par."
Sam Snead
"I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies."
Will Rogers
"Golf is like an 18-year-old girl with big boobs. You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her."
Val Doonican
"Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic."
Author Unknown
"Playing the game I have learned the meaning of humility. It has given me an understanding of futility of the human effort."
Abba Eban
"He used to be fairly indecisive, but now he's not so certain."
Peter Aliss
"Golf isn't like other sports where you can take a player out if he's having a bad day. You have to play the whole game."
Phil Blackmar
"It's easy to see golf not as a game at all but as some whey-faced, nineteenth-century Presbyterian minister's fever dream of exorcism achieved through ritual and self-mortification."
Bruce McCall
"Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And it took a seven to do that."
Jim Murray
"I'd play every day if I could. It's cheaper than a shrink and there are no telephones on my golf cart."
Brent Musburger
"The number of shots taken by an opponent who is out of sight is equal to the square root of the sum of the number of curses heard plus the number of swishes."
Michael Green
"The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law."
H.G. Wells
"Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad."
A. A. Milne
"The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."
P.G. Wodehouse
"Any game where a man 60 can beat a man 30 ain't no game."
Burt Shotten
"Golf is not just an exercise; it's an adventure, a romance... a Shakespeare play in which disaster and comedy are intertwined."
Harold Segall
"The worst club in my bag is my brain."
Chris Perry
"There is one thing in this world that is dumber than playing golf. That is watching someone else playing golf. What do you actually get to see? Thirty-seven guys in polyester slacks squinting at the sun. Doesn't that set your blood racing?"
Peter Andrews
"One thing about golf is you don't know why you play bad and why you play good."
George Archer
"Golf, like measles, should be caught young."
P.G. Wodenhouse
"Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness."
William Wordsworth
"The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things."
John Updike
"Even God has to practice his putting."
Author Unknown
"When I putt, my emotions collide like tectonic plates. It's left my memory circuits full of scars that won't heal."
Mac O'Grady
"Golf is not, on the whole, a game for realists. By its exactitudes of measurements it invites the attention of perfectionists."
Heywood Hale Broun
"Baseball players quit playing and they take up golf. Basketball players quit, take up golf. Football players quit, take up golf. What are we supposed to take up when we quit?"
George Archer
"A golf course outside a big town serves an excellent purpose in that it segregates, as though a concentration camp, all the idle and idiot well-to-do."
Osbert Sitwell
"Born to golf. Forced to work."
Author Unknown
"Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?"
Bob Hope
"His driving is unbelievable. I don't go that far on my holidays."
Ian Baker-Finch, on John Daly
"I never pray to God to make a putt. I pray to God to help me react good if I miss a putt."
Chi Chi Rodriguez
"Golf seems to me an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dogs out."
Princess Anne of Great Britain
"If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out."
Paul Gallico
"I'm about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That's the distance my left ear is from my right."
Ben Crenshaw
"Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can't play it."
Ted Ray
"There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray."
Lee Trevino
"John certainly gives it a good hit, doesn't he? My Sunday best is a Wednesday afternoon compared to him."
Nick Faldo, on John Daly
"Golf balls are attracted to water as unerringly as the eye of a middle-aged man to a female bosom."
Michael Green
"Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass."
Bob Hope
"My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch."
Lee Trevino
"In golf, you keep your head down and follow through. In the vice presidency, you keep your head up and follow through. It's a big difference."
Vice President Dan Quayle
"You can't call it a sport. You don't run, jump, you don't shoot, you don't pass. All you have to do is buy some clothes that don't match."
Steve Sax
"Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you're tired and most of your balls are missing."
Tim Allen
"One under a tree, one under a bush, one under the water."
Lee Trevino, describing how he was one under during a tournament .
"I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105."
Bob Hope
"If you want to take long walks, take long walks. If you want to hit things with sticks, hit things with sticks. But there's no excuse for combining the two and putting the results on TV. Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to lawns."
National Lampoon
"Gone golfin'... be back dark thirty."
Author Unknown
"A golf ball is like a clock. Always hit it at 6 o'clock and make it go toward 12 o'clock . But make sure you're in the same time zone."
Chi Chi Rodriguez
"Golf is the cruelest game, because eventually it will drag you out in front of the whole school, take your lunch money and slap you around."
Rick Reilly
"The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life."
Chi Chi Rodriguez
"Find a man with both feet firmly on the ground and you've found a man about to make a difficult putt."
Fletcher Knebel
"May thy ball lie in green pastures... and not in still waters."
Author Unknown
"A golf course is nothing but a pool room moved outdoors."
Barry Fitzgerald
"I don't like watching golf on TV. I can't stand whispering."
David Brenner
"One almost expects one of the players to peer into the monitor and politely request viewers to refrain from munching so loudly on cheese and crackers while the golfers are trying to reach the greens."
Pete Alfano
"Golf without mistakes is like watching haircuts. A dinner without wine."
Jim Murray
"Men who would face torture without a word become blasphemous at the short fourteenth. It is clear that the game of golf may well be included in that category of intolerable provocations which may legally excuse or mitigate behavior not otherwise excusable."
A. P. Herbert
"All I've got against it is that it takes you so far from the clubhouse."
Eric Linklater
"After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."
Chi Chi Rodriguez
"Who watches golf on TV? Who calls eight friends over and gets a keg of beer? Landscapers, I guess. They sit around the TV, yelling, "Will you look at that golf path? Pure pea gravel."
Jeff Cesario
"Trevino is in a league by himself. We don't even count him. We figure when you come in second, you're a winner."
Chi Chi Rodriguez
"One minute you're bleeding. The next minute you're hemorrhaging. The next minute you're painting the Mona Lisa."
Mac O'Grady, describing a typical round of golf.
"My body is here, but my mind has already teed off."
Author Unknown
"If you wish to hide your character, do not play golf."
Percey Boomer
Homero Blancas, asked if he had any uphill putts "Yeah, after each of my downhill putts."
"When you hear someone shout "You da man," if he ain't shouting at Arnold Palmer, then it ain't da man."
Ron Green, Charlotte Observer
"What's nice about our tour is you can't remember your bad shots."
Bob Bruce, about the Champions Tour
"Golf is golf. You hit the ball, you go find it. Then you hit it again."
Lon Hinkle
"I'm a golfer, not an athlete."
Lee Westwood
Bev Norwood, British Open historian, challenging the ascertations that Ben Curtis is the most obscure British Open winner:
"That honor would have to go to David "Deacon" Brown, who won at Musselburgh , Scotland , in 1886. Brown was the town chimney sweep and a pretty good golfer. Because they had an odd number of players that year, tournament officials sought out Brown-who was diligently working and covered with soot- to fill out the pairing. They gave him a bath and clean clothes and he shot 79-78 to win by two strokes over Willie Campbell."
"I was a better player at 50 than I was at 30."
Sam Snead
"The most important shot in golf is the next one."
Ben Hogan
"If you want to hit it farther, hit it better."
Jack Nicklaus
"The ball doesn't know if it is a man or a woman who is hitting it."
Isabelle Beisiegel, remarking on her chances of qualifying for the men's tour.
Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high-volume, temperamental, club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards.
His caddie said: "I'd say either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir."
"A 3-iron or a wedge?" asked Bolt.
"What kind of stupid choice is that?"
"Those are the only two clubs you have left, sir." said the caddie.
Dicky Pride, commenting to a spectator after his concentration was broken by the spectator's cell phone ringing:
"Excuse me sir, I'm working here. If you have to work, would you please go to your office."
Nick Faldo, after winning a million dollars in a golf tournament, was feeling generous when he asked his wife if there was anything she'd like to have.
She said "A divorce."
He replied, "I wasn't thinking of anything quite that expensive."
Lee Trevino, who had been struck by lighting while playing golf previously, commenting on why he immediately stops playing when rain and lightning are present:
"When God wants to play through. I let him play through."
Lyndon Johnson, while visiting The Masters golf tournament was asked by a spectator what his handicap was.
Johnson replied "Congress."
"You really know your way around a course. What's your secret?" Nicklaus replied: "The holes are numbered."
Jack Nicklaus, responding to a reporters question.
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: Sportingo.com
SPORTS QUOTES
LATE MOMENTS IN SPORT: Bill Shankly was fuming on the night several of his Liverpool superstars arrived back at their Belgian hotel 45 minutes later than the boss. ''Where do you lot think you've been?'' blazed Shanks as Ron Yeats, Ian St John, Roger Hunt and Ian Callaghan returned from a drinking session well after the manager's midnight curfew. ''That's it!'' he ranted at Yeats, St John and Hunt. ''You'll never play for Liverpool again - and you can forget about international football as well. You're finished!.'' Then, turning to his blue-eyed boy Callaghan, he added: ''And I'm going to tell your missus about you.''
EMMY AWARD: Hard-man Tommy Smith had two pet hates in football - Leeds United's Allan Clarke and his own skipper at Liverpool, Emlyn Hughes. And not necessarily in that order. When Hughes clashed with Clarke in a goalmouth melee and old squeaky voice Emlyn found himself on the deck with blood pouring from his nose, Smithy showed himself in his true colours. ''Maybe that Clarke's not such a bad bloke after all,'' muttered Tom the compassionate.
EMMY AWARD: Hard-man Tommy Smith had two pet hates in football - Leeds United's Allan Clarke and his own skipper at Liverpool, Emlyn Hughes. And not necessarily in that order. When Hughes clashed with Clarke in a goalmouth melee and old squeaky voice Emlyn found himself on the deck with blood pouring from his nose, Smithy showed himself in his true colours. ''Maybe that Clarke's not such a bad bloke after all,'' muttered Tom the compassionate.
CROTCH OF THE DAY: With manager Jock Stein in hospital, Celtic No.2 Sean Fallon was dealing with press enquiries at Parkhead. When one reporter phoned to enquire about an injury to Scotland full-back Danny McGrain, Irishman Fallon admitted: ''I don't think he'll make Saturday's game. He's suffering from a Grain stroin.''
GENTLE-MAN JIM: It threatened to be a bloody battle. Spurs and Burnley had fought out a particularly vicious FA Cup stalemate - and the replay promised to be even more physical. The teams were kicking in before the game when Jimmy Greaves, who was never noted for his ball-winning ability, approached his equally timid-tackling opposite number Jimmy McIlroy. ''Hey Jim, why don't we mark each other?,'' said goal-king Greavsie. ''Then neither of us will get hurt.''
TOM AND JURY: Tommy Docherty was always the first person to poke fun at himself - as with his version of the infamous court case in which he was accused of perjury - and acquitted. ''I admitted to the judge I'd lied on oath, but he didn't believe me,'' is one of the one-time Manchester United boss's classic quips. Tongue-in-cheek Tom is also particularly proud of his dubious achievement as manager of Rotherham United. ''I promised the chairman I'd get them out of the Second Division (now the Championship) and I did,'' he recalls. ''I took them into the Third.''
EIRE RAID WARNING: League of Ireland champions Shamrock Rovers were convinced they had the answer to mighty Honved of Hungary in the European Cup, The lads from Dublin trailed 2-0 from the away leg, but on the eve of the return manager Jim McLaughlin unveiled a unique plan for beating the magnificent Magyars. ''We'll be concentrating on all-out attack…mixed with caution,'' he insisted. No prizes for guessing who won the tie 5-1 on aggregate.
BETTER BY CALF: England legend Nat Lofthouse reckons he was frightened of his own Bolton teammates in his playing days. Well, two of them anyway. Full-backs Roy Hartle and Tommy Banks had such a fearsome reputation that striker Lofthouse maintained: ''When they were playing behind me I used to put shin guards on the back of my calves.''
ALIEN SIGNING: The reporter was taken aback at Everton boss Gordon Lee's revelation that he had just signed strike Imre Varadi from Sheffield United. ''That's an unusual name, isn't it?'' enquired the puzzled journo. ''I'll say it is,'' replied Lee. ''I believe he's one of them Uranians.''
GENTLE-MAN JIM: It threatened to be a bloody battle. Spurs and Burnley had fought out a particularly vicious FA Cup stalemate - and the replay promised to be even more physical. The teams were kicking in before the game when Jimmy Greaves, who was never noted for his ball-winning ability, approached his equally timid-tackling opposite number Jimmy McIlroy. ''Hey Jim, why don't we mark each other?,'' said goal-king Greavsie. ''Then neither of us will get hurt.''
TOM AND JURY: Tommy Docherty was always the first person to poke fun at himself - as with his version of the infamous court case in which he was accused of perjury - and acquitted. ''I admitted to the judge I'd lied on oath, but he didn't believe me,'' is one of the one-time Manchester United boss's classic quips. Tongue-in-cheek Tom is also particularly proud of his dubious achievement as manager of Rotherham United. ''I promised the chairman I'd get them out of the Second Division (now the Championship) and I did,'' he recalls. ''I took them into the Third.''
EIRE RAID WARNING: League of Ireland champions Shamrock Rovers were convinced they had the answer to mighty Honved of Hungary in the European Cup, The lads from Dublin trailed 2-0 from the away leg, but on the eve of the return manager Jim McLaughlin unveiled a unique plan for beating the magnificent Magyars. ''We'll be concentrating on all-out attack…mixed with caution,'' he insisted. No prizes for guessing who won the tie 5-1 on aggregate.
BETTER BY CALF: England legend Nat Lofthouse reckons he was frightened of his own Bolton teammates in his playing days. Well, two of them anyway. Full-backs Roy Hartle and Tommy Banks had such a fearsome reputation that striker Lofthouse maintained: ''When they were playing behind me I used to put shin guards on the back of my calves.''
ALIEN SIGNING: The reporter was taken aback at Everton boss Gordon Lee's revelation that he had just signed strike Imre Varadi from Sheffield United. ''That's an unusual name, isn't it?'' enquired the puzzled journo. ''I'll say it is,'' replied Lee. ''I believe he's one of them Uranians.''
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: thisislondon.co.uk
They said it: Sporting quotes of the week
Last updated at 22:26pm on 02.05.08
"We have had (Luka) Modric there with Thierry Henry, Deco has been in for a meal..."
- Newcastle boss Kevin Keegan has tongue firmly in cheek when discussing the club's transfer targets.
"If all else fails, we will have Mario Kart on the journey up - and there are always rows when that happens!"
- Midfielder Stephen Hunt reveals how Reading players have been dealing with the pressure of ahead of their crucial relegation clash at Wigan.
"It must be necessary for a player to bring a gun and shoot one of our men in the box for us to get a penalty"
- Manchester United assistant boss Carlos Queiroz after Saturday's 2-1 defeat at Chelsea.
"Are you not supposed to cut it before the game?"
- Sir Alex Ferguson questions why Chelsea were so keen to cut the grass following the match, when a brawl broke out between ground staff and United substitutes.
"I'm not used to being banged up. It's something that I've got to get used to should there be a future in the sport"
- A battered and bruised Dwain Chambers after his rugby league debut for Castleford reserves.
"We have this semi-final, then a home game on Saturday (against West Ham) and a game against Wigan away - disaster!"
- Sir Alex Ferguson gives a sarcastic retort to the doubters ahead of Manchester United's Champions League semi-final against Barcelona.
"I'll be getting my Bentley GT convertible now, I've been dying to get one"
- Ronnie O'Sullivan after hitting his third World Championship maximum of 147, which put him on course for a potential £157,000 bonus.
"Is that all it is, 150,000? It's getting less!"
- O'Sullivan feels his feat deserved better.
"If it's Liverpool, we'll get more tickets. I think Abramovich has bought them all!"
- Sir Alex Ferguson names his preferred Champions League final opponents following Manchester United's 1-0 win over Barcelona.
"I'm going to buy a Ford Focus convertible, I've been dying to get one!"
- Ali Carter after following up O'Sullivan's maximum with one of his own, earning a share of the bonus and possibly scuppering the Bentley plans.
"Drogba is a fantastic player, that is clear, but he falls down too easily"
- Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez criticises Chelsea's Didier Drogba ahead of their Champions League semi-final second leg.
"Ronnie is the best player in the world at the moment, right-handed, left-handed, one-legged, one-armed, whatever you want"
- Stephen Hendry ahead of his 888.com World Championship semi-final against Ronnie O'Sullivan.
"I wouldn't say I've been lying in my bed dreaming of tipping a penalty around the post because my wife would kill me"
- Rangers goalkeeper Neil Alexander on the possibility of a penalty shoot-out in the UEFA Cup semi-final against Fiorentina.
"There will not be any in-depth talks just before the game. You can bombard players but their attention span is not the highest at the best of times"
- Birmingham manager Alex McLeish reveals he will not be over-complicating his team talk ahead of their crucial relegation decider against Fulham.
"My ribs, elbow and chest were so bruised I could have been confused for Bernard Hopkins in Las Vegas!"
- Somerset captain Justin Langer is convinced Andrew Flintoff is ready for England duty after facing a bombardment from the Lancashire bowler.
"It's my favourite game - forget this lark!"
- Colin Montgomerie admits cricket is his first love.
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: thisisnot1966.com
SOCCER QUOTES
World Cup 1966 Quotes
"And here comes Hurst he's got... some people are on the pitch, they think it's all over. It is now!"
BBC commentator Kenneth Wolstenholme
"The ball was in."
Heinrich Lubke, then President of Germany
"It didn't cross the line."
Chris O'Hearn, ITN Archive Commercial Director
World Cup 2006 Quotes
"The big man's back in town!"
5ft 10ins Wayne Rooney announcing himself as he arrived back in Germany, following a positive scan on his injured foot.
"Wrighty, are you a fan of S&M?"
Gary Lineker asks panellist Ian Wright for his thoughts about Serbia & Montenegro.
"We played a really good game."
Sweden boss Lars Lagerback after his team failed to defeat Trinidad & Tobago.
"You can't play crap for five games and still expect to go through. But for £120,000 a week, they should be able to take ******* penalties."
Watford president Sir Elton John sums up the mood in England, speaking about England's exit to Portugal.
"I hope England are on the first plane back from Deutchsland. I'm from the People's Republic of Mancunia. I'll have to leave if they win it. The country will be full of cockneys going on about it for years."
Primal Scream bass player Mani.
Other Footballing Quotes
"That's a wise substitution by Terry Venables: three fresh men, three fresh legs."
Jimmy Hill
"If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal."
Jimmy Hill
"Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through?
Jimmy Hill
"I think it's 50-50."
Terry Venables
"There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between."
Gary Lineker
"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today."
Steve Lomas
"England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second-to-none."
Kevin Keegan
"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales"
Ron Greenwood
"England were beaten in the sense that they lost."
Dickie Davis
"Two questions - why were England so poor, and if they were poor, why?"
Ian Payne
"How will Sir Stanley Matthews be remembered? As a living legend."
England supporter
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: upyakilt.com
SOCCER QUOTES
"If there was a Champions League for guts and determination we would be in with a chance of winning it." - GORDON STRACHAN
During the 2007 draw for the Scottish Cup semi-final's.
You join us here where we have literally got Alex McLeish and Andy Watson by the balls." BBC SCOTLAND'S DAVID CURRIE
"Its an incredible rise to stardom, at 17 you're more likely to get a call from
Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson" - Gordon Strachan on Wayne Rooney
'I'm definately maybe going to play Sturrock.'
-JIM 'not Noel Gallagher' McLEAN
They had a dozen corners, maybe 12 - I'm guessing.' - CRAIG BROWN
'I've had 14 bookings this season 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable' - GAZZA
'Last night,we were the best team on the day.' - ROY AITKEN
'If we'd won, it would have meant an historic double-treble.
But we weren't even thinking about that.' - WALTER SMITH
"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head.
"-DEREK JOHNSTONE
'As I've said before and I've said in the past...' - KENNY DALGLISH
"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve.
"-JOHN GREIG
'I strongly feel that the only difference between the two teams
were the goals that England scored.' - CRAIG BROWN
"There's no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best.
He's another Ryan Giggs."-DENIS LAW
"Son, you'll do well here as long as you remember two things.
Don't over-eat and don't lose your accent."
Bill Shankly (on the day he signed Ian St John) :
"My plans for Rangers can only be achieved by buying.
I don't have time for young players to mature.
That could take five years, and by then I could be out the door."
Graeme Souness (August 1987 as Rangers' new manager) :
"I don't believe everything Bill tells me about his players.
If they were that good, they'd not only have won the European Cup
but the Ryder Cup, the Boat Race and even the Grand National!"
Jock Stein (on Shanks) :
"Yes, it looks as if Hearts have reverted to a five man back four."
Alan McInally ; (during a Rangers v Hearts game) :
"My bum has been through every temperature known to man."
Gordon Strachan (On heat treatment and ice-packs, 1993) :
"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable
area for goalies is between their legs..."
ANDY GRAY, Sky Sport
"It was one of those goals that's invariably a goal."-DENIS LAW
"With news of Scotland's 0-0 victory over Holland..."-SCOTTISH TV
"Two Andy Gorams, there's only two Andy Gorams......."
- Kilmarnock fans to the Rangers keeper after he had been diagnosed with mild schizophrenia.
"A contract on a piece of paper, saying you want to leave, is like a piece
of paper saying you want to leave." - JOHN COLLINS.
"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead." - TOM FERRIE
"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails." - RICHARD PARK.
"That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on". John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was.
After beating Everton in the 1971 FA Cup semi:
'Sickness would not have kept me away from this one. If I'd been dead, I would have had them bring the casket to the ground, prop it up in the stands, and cut a hole in the lid.'
shankly
"Dundee Utd shares have been trading at 50 pence. We have been advised that these shares are worth £300 each" - Angus Cook
"Walter Smith has come down from the directors box to tinkle with his tactical formation" - Jock Brown
"It left a real bad taste in the eyes of the supporters" - Jim Docherty on the Celtic board situation
"I'd like to get more caps under my belt" - Gary McAllister
"There'll be more football in a moment, but first we've got highlights of the Scottish League Cup" - Gary Newbon
"The Scots are really knocking it about to some tune" - Alistair Alexander
"It's the carrot at the end of the rainbow" - Danny McGrain
"Some teams are so negative, they could have been sponsored by Kodak" Tommy Docherty
'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.' - MARK VIDUKA
'Hagi is a brilliant player, but we're not going to get psychedelic over him' - ANDY ROXBURGH
'Neil Lennon wasn't sent off for scoring a goal, and that's what annoys me.' - MARTIN O'NEILL
During the 2007 draw for the Scottish Cup semi-final's.
You join us here where we have literally got Alex McLeish and Andy Watson by the balls." BBC SCOTLAND'S DAVID CURRIE
"Its an incredible rise to stardom, at 17 you're more likely to get a call from
Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson" - Gordon Strachan on Wayne Rooney
'I'm definately maybe going to play Sturrock.'
-JIM 'not Noel Gallagher' McLEAN
They had a dozen corners, maybe 12 - I'm guessing.' - CRAIG BROWN
'I've had 14 bookings this season 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable' - GAZZA
'Last night,we were the best team on the day.' - ROY AITKEN
'If we'd won, it would have meant an historic double-treble.
But we weren't even thinking about that.' - WALTER SMITH
"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head.
"-DEREK JOHNSTONE
'As I've said before and I've said in the past...' - KENNY DALGLISH
"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve.
"-JOHN GREIG
'I strongly feel that the only difference between the two teams
were the goals that England scored.' - CRAIG BROWN
"There's no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best.
He's another Ryan Giggs."-DENIS LAW
"Son, you'll do well here as long as you remember two things.
Don't over-eat and don't lose your accent."
Bill Shankly (on the day he signed Ian St John) :
"My plans for Rangers can only be achieved by buying.
I don't have time for young players to mature.
That could take five years, and by then I could be out the door."
Graeme Souness (August 1987 as Rangers' new manager) :
"I don't believe everything Bill tells me about his players.
If they were that good, they'd not only have won the European Cup
but the Ryder Cup, the Boat Race and even the Grand National!"
Jock Stein (on Shanks) :
"Yes, it looks as if Hearts have reverted to a five man back four."
Alan McInally ; (during a Rangers v Hearts game) :
"My bum has been through every temperature known to man."
Gordon Strachan (On heat treatment and ice-packs, 1993) :
"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable
area for goalies is between their legs..."
ANDY GRAY, Sky Sport
"It was one of those goals that's invariably a goal."-DENIS LAW
"With news of Scotland's 0-0 victory over Holland..."-SCOTTISH TV
"Two Andy Gorams, there's only two Andy Gorams......."
- Kilmarnock fans to the Rangers keeper after he had been diagnosed with mild schizophrenia.
"A contract on a piece of paper, saying you want to leave, is like a piece
of paper saying you want to leave." - JOHN COLLINS.
"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead." - TOM FERRIE
"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails." - RICHARD PARK.
"That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on". John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was.
After beating Everton in the 1971 FA Cup semi:
'Sickness would not have kept me away from this one. If I'd been dead, I would have had them bring the casket to the ground, prop it up in the stands, and cut a hole in the lid.'
shankly
"Dundee Utd shares have been trading at 50 pence. We have been advised that these shares are worth £300 each" - Angus Cook
"Walter Smith has come down from the directors box to tinkle with his tactical formation" - Jock Brown
"It left a real bad taste in the eyes of the supporters" - Jim Docherty on the Celtic board situation
"I'd like to get more caps under my belt" - Gary McAllister
"There'll be more football in a moment, but first we've got highlights of the Scottish League Cup" - Gary Newbon
"The Scots are really knocking it about to some tune" - Alistair Alexander
"It's the carrot at the end of the rainbow" - Danny McGrain
"Some teams are so negative, they could have been sponsored by Kodak" Tommy Docherty
'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.' - MARK VIDUKA
'Hagi is a brilliant player, but we're not going to get psychedelic over him' - ANDY ROXBURGH
'Neil Lennon wasn't sent off for scoring a goal, and that's what annoys me.' - MARTIN O'NEILL
Get trade secrets for amazing burgers. Watch "Cooking with Tyler Florence" on AOL Food.
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