MANUTE BOL (L) AND MUGGSY BOGUES (R)Image: lh3.ggpht.com
BASKETBALL INSULTS
As much as people like to talk about the purity of competition, let's face it, trash talk belongs. It's teasing, it's bragging, and to be perfectly honest, it's fun. There's a lot of funny stuff out there, which is where trash talk goes from being some asshole shooting off his mouth and into the realm of an actual art form. It is this art form that is the lynchpin of the game of BASEketball.
Trash talk is done to entertain the others in attendance and to shake the target player so he is incapable of doing his job of putting the ball in the basket. Here's some classic trash talk lines and events.
For starters, Williams probably never played against Duke University. The Dukies, as they are sometimes called, are the toughest crowd. Anyone who can play in Cameron Indoor Stadium and not get rattled doesn't belong in basketball, they belong in bomb disposal.
Bobby Knight, the coach of Indiana University's college basketball team, once had another of his childish temper tantrums and threw a chair onto the court. In 1992 during the Final Four, the Dukies chanted "Chair! Chair! Chair!" at Knight.
North Carolina State is the Dukies' archenemies, and saved some vicious jabs for them, as recalled by the chant, "If you can't go to college, go to State! If you can't go to State, go to jail!" Jim Valvano is a good guy coach for NC State who enjoys working the crowd. The Dukies chanted, "Sit! Sit! Sit!" When he did, the Dukies chanted, "Roll over! Roll over! Roll over!"
When the NC State team got a backroom shoe deal, Dukies threw dozens of shoes on the court during the team's introduction. One player that lost 30 pounds in the off-season was subjected to a shower of Twinkies, doughnuts, and other sweets. One player was charged with stealing pizzas from a delivery man, and the Dukies showered him with empty pizza boxes. NC State's Steve Hale had breathing problems in one game, and one half of the stadium chanted, "In-hale!" while the other chanted "Ex-hale!" Eric Montross was State's seven foot tall center, and fell into the Dukies crosshairs. In 1992, the Dukies printed up a phony version of the State student newspaper. The front page had a huge empty space, with a caption reading, "This big useless white space was placed here to remind you of Eric Montross."
Nevada--Las Vegas made the 1990 Finals against the Dukies with a tough team but suspicious grades and test scores. The Dukies' Blue Devil mascot marched around the court with a sign that said, "Welcome fellow scholars." The Runnin' Rebs beat Duke 103-73. Columnist Allan Malamud wrote of the Dukies in the game, "Duke couldn't even execute the high five properly."
After Stacey King of the Chicago Bulls got only one rebound in two games, assistant coach John Bach said, "A two-year-old could get hit in the head with more rebounds than that." Sportwriter Jack McCallum did Bach one better: "[King] can't guard a safe when it's stationed more than five feet from the basket."
Wayman Tinsdale of the Sacramento Kings said of the Michael Jordan Bulls, "When he's not in there, they're pretty much a joke." Doug Moe, a coach who faced Jordan, said, "Jordan must be a great player to win it with so many stiffs."
The Detroit Pistons became a team known not for aggressive play but for brutish play. Henry Schulman wrote of the Bad Boys Of Detroit, who helped turn basketball into a thug contest, "If you laid Bill Laimbeer, Dennis Rodman, and the rest of the Detroit Pistons end to end in the Mojave Desert, it would be a good idea to leave them there."
Bob Costas and Pat Riley, covering a game with the Pistons at halftime, had this exchange: COSTAS: Well, one look at our Cheap Shot Scoreboard shows the Pistons up 8-1. Rodman is having a fine half with five, and Laimbeer is running second with two. What do you think, Pat?" RILEY: Well, every time Chicago has the ball, five Pistons are committing fouls. It's as if to say, "Well, the officials can only call one at a time, so we get away with four."
You know, Michael Jordan said before the game, "People want to push this kind of basketball out." The Bulls are 24 minutes away from doing just that. Kurt Rambis said of Bill Laimbeer (a.k.a. The Prince Of Darkness, His Heinous, Ax Murderer, The Consumate Provacatuer), "I assume his parents like him. But you'd have to verify that." The legendary Sir Charles Barkley was constantly getting into scrums with Laimbeer. Not a lot of people liked Barkley, but Utah Jazz GM Frank Layden was quoted as saying, "I would gladly chip in and pay part of his fines every time he smacks Bill Laimbeer."
Sportswriter Tim Sullivan, writing about the NBA moving the Finals to pay-per-view, "The NBA Finals is worth about $10 per game unless it involves Michael Jordan ($20) or Bill Laimbeer ($2)." Jan Hubbard wrote of him, "Detroit center Bill Laimbeer was considering seeking an injuction against the Olympic selection process because he was deprived of a chance to make the team. Laimbeer said that as a tax-paying citizen, he should have had the opportunity to try out for the team. It would have been great if he could have tried out for the team, because then he would have been excluded on merit rather than logic."
Bob Bellotti said of poor defending Charles Jones, "He ought to have a road sign that says THIS LANE OPEN tacked to his jersey."
Close to the end of a Finals game against the Utah Jazz, the Bulls fouled Karl "The Mailman" Malone, sending him to the free throw line for two points. If he made one basket, the score would be tied and, with the clock winding down, send the game into overtime. If he made both, the Jazz would be in the lead and could possibly win it. The game was being played on a Sunday night. As the different Bulls and Jazz players took their places along the key, Scottie Pippen said to Karl Malone as he passed him, "The Mailman doesn't deliver on Sundays." Malone clanked both shots and the Bulls won.
When Tom Tolbert of the Golden State Warriors got a new haircut, George Shirk said, "It looks like a bobcat is perched on his head."
Arkansas coach Nolan Richardson watched Anfernee Hardaway and said, "If you took Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, and Michael Jordan, and rolled them all together, that's the way I see Hardaway." At which point, Tony Kornheiser said, "Nolan, here's cab fare. Go to an ophthamologist."
The Miami Heat were once referred to as the Miami Sleet because their shooting was ice cold. After one game where they blew a big lead against the Celtics, center John Salley said, "We played like a bunch of college girls." A Celtic responded, "I guess John hasn't been watching TV lately. He's not half as good as some of those college girls."
Sir Charles Barkley gives as good as he gets. Because his weight shoots up and down so much, he was called a variety of names when he neared his Auburn college weight of 330 pounds. His accepted nickname is the Round Mound Of Rebound, but he's also been called Love Boat, Porky Pig On A Trampoline, Food World, Runaway Bread Truck, Fatboy, Crisco Kid, Amana, Doughboy, Boy Gorge, Goodtime Blimp, Tons Of Fun, and the Leaning Tower Of Pizza. That last one is because his favorite food is pizza. In fact, at least once, the opposing team had a pizza delivered to him when he was sitting on the bench.
One guy he jawed with was Oliver Miller, whose weight hit 335 pounds as was called Cheeseburger, Porky, Whale, and the Big O. When Miller said Sir Charles set a bad example on the court, Barkley fired back, "You can't even jump high enough to touch the rim unless they put a Big Mac on it." Barkley once said he would like to play football when he retired from basketball, and his teammate Rick Mahorn said, "With that head of yours, all you'll need is a chin strap." A fan once yelled at Sir Charles, "You're never going to get a championship ring! Never!" Barkley responded, "I have $20 million, so I can afford to buy one."
Refs get into the act, too. Golden State Warriors team doctor Robert Albo lit into NBA ref Joey Crawford during a game, saying the guy was doing a terrible job calling the game. This wasn't a one time thing either, he kept it up throughout the game until Crawford turned to him and said, "Hey, doc! At least I don't bury my mistakes!" That shut him up.
When Danny Ainge was playing for Sacramento, he injured his back. Dick Motta commented, "Ainge hurt his back picking up a suitcase. It must have had his contract in it."
During the 1990 NBA Finals between the Detroit Pistons and the Portland Trailblazers, the Detroit News wrote, "Portland's image is pretty well captured by its mayor, Bud Clark, a tavern owner who posed as a flasher in a promotion for the local arts community a few years back. The poster showed Mr. Clark, back to the camera, raincoat wide open, flashing a sculpture above the slogan, 'Expose Yourself To Art.'" The Portland Oregonian responded, "Detroit's image is pretty well captured by its mayor, Coleman Young, who recently won reelection after losing a paternity suit. When Detroit exposes itself, it's not to art."
Jan Hubbard wrote, "The Mavericks' Rolando Blackman scored more than the entire Knicks backcourt last week, and he was out injured."
When a jump ball was called between 5'3" Muggsy Bogues and 5'10" Michael Adams, broadcaster Dan Issel said, "This will be the first time in the history of the league that the referee drops the ball."
A fan once said, "The Portland Trailblazers couldn't pass the SAT if they all got together and combined their scores."
When Danny Ainge, then of the Trailblazers, played a game where they slammed the Los Angeles Lakers, Ainger said to the LA bench, "I hope we see you whores back up here next week."
Rick Mahorn once grabbed a extra-large Hefty garbage bag, waved it at teammate Darryl Dawkins, and said, "Hey, Dawkins! I found your mama's underpants!"
During a game, Gary Payton told Michael Jordan, "Hey, Michael! I've got my millions and I'm buying my Ferraris and Testarossas, too!" Jordan replied, "No problem. I get them for free."
When Magic Johnson tried coming back to basketball after being diagnosed with AIDS, A.C. Green of Magic's Lakers team didn't think he deserved to be there. "He's got to prove he can beat me in practice first." This remarkable arrogance was trounced by Bruce Jenkins saying that asking Magic to prove himself to a basketball pushover like Green is "like telling General MacArthur: 'Forget about the Philippines thing. We want to see you take Fresno.'"
Terry Boers wrote, "Insiders claim that Arizona coach Lute Olson has made no friends in the Pac-10. Knowing Olson, that's not really a surprise."
Rotisserie League Basketball is a bunch of really funny guys. Here's who they have written about and what they wrote.
Craig Hodges--"He proved he can bury the three with the best by making 19 straight at the All Star Game's three-point shooting contest. Now if the NBA would just get rid of those defensive players."
Patrick Ewing and his 1990-1 season--"Ewing did more bitching than Leona Helmsley, demanded more money than Ivana Trump, and was as effective a leader as David Dinkins."
Danny Ainge--"He is still a fine white whine, but no longer improving with age."
Mookie Blaylock--"Mookie Brainlock."
Danny Ferry, a.k.a. The Great White Hype--"We were misquoted. We never said he'd be the second coming of Magic Johnson. We said he would be the second coming of Lady Bird Johnson and, given his performance, we feel vindicated."
Mark Jackson--"Inaction Jackson was suspended for two games last season after declaring that the game wasn't fun anymore. He should see it from where we sit."
Gerald Wilkins--"Upon kissing the tarmac on U.S. soil, American POWs told harrowing tales of how their Iraqi captors, in violation of the Geneva convention, forced them to watch films of Wilkins leading the Knick fast break."
Mike Gminski--"Alas for Gminski, the ball rarely goes inski."
Joe Kleine--"A rabid fan of The Andy Griffith Show, he looks like Otis, rebounds like Aunt Bee, spends more time sitting on his butt than Floyd the Barber, and like Barney, is not allowed to shoot."
Dan Schayes--"The good news--he has finally begun to play like Dolph. The bad news--Dolph is 63 years old."
Michael Adams, who spent a lot of time on the Disabled List--"The Michael Adams doll--pull his string, he pulls his hamstrings."
Jon Koncak--"Never one to run his mouth or feign injury, Koncak simply goes out and gets you 4 points and 4 rebounds every single night."
Byron Scott--"Like the absorbent paper towel for which he's named, this Scott is starting to suck."
Joe Wolf--"Last year we told you that Wolf, a native of Kohler, Wisconsin, the Urinal Capital Of The World, had trouble spraying his shots. This year, we regret to inform you that dribbling is also a problem for Joe."
Jerry Reynolds--"Orlando hosts the Ice Follies every time Jerry Reynolds throws up a shot."
Scott Roth--"He broke his nose for the ninth time last season. Alas, his shot is no straighter than his septum."
Reggie Theus--"He doesn't really guard people at all, does he? Why is he called a guard? Shouldn't there be another name for him?"
Karl Malone, also called "The Mailman", and Joe Barry Carroll, also called "Joe Barely Cares" because of his unenthusiastic play--"[Carroll] is the real Mailman: He's slow, doesn't deliver, and is surrounded by dogs."
Charles Smith--"There is no truth to the rumor that Smith had kidney stones last season, and still didn't want to pass."
Kenny Walker--"In case you missed the episode of Unsolved Mysteries that was devoted to the subject, scientists now believe that Walker's head is not sporting a hairdo at all; instead, they theorize, the Walkman is wearing a bishop's mitre, made from human hair."
