FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: emmitsburg.com

HEALTH AND FITNESS HUMOR

Diary of a man for a week at a health club For my birthday this year, my wife (the love of my life) purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my primary school rounders team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I call the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Tawny, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seem pleased with my surprising enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress... Monday: Started by day a 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was all worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tawny waiting for me. (She is something of a goddess with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile!! (Tawny gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her aerobic outfit. (I thoroughly enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my own workout today. Very inspiring.) Tawny was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC WEEK!! Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Tawny made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air...then she put weights on it. My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tawny's rewarding smile made it all worth while. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked up the arse of a BMW in club parking lot. Tawny was impatient with me, insisting that my scrams bothered the other club members. (Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and I hadn't noticed that when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is quite annoying.) My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tawny put me on the stair monster, er, master. (Why in HELL would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?) Tawny told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other trash too. Thursday: Tawny was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I explained that I couldn't help being a half hour late. It took that long for me to tie my damn shoes. Tawny took me to work out with dumbbells. When she wasn't looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars in to find me. As a punishment, she put me on the rowing machine...which I sank. Friday: I hate that BITCH Tawny more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. (Prissy, pretentious, stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be BITCH). If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Tawny wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the damn floor, don't hand me barbells or anything that weights more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a Health and P.E. teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer? Saturday: Tawny left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrill, piercing little voice, wondering why I did not show up today? Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the weather channel. Sunday: I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the other BITCH) will choose a gift for me that is fun...like root-canal treatment or a vasectomy.

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: wgv.com

GOLF QUOTES

World Golf Hall of Fame Profile: Jimmy Demaret

The impact Jimmy Demaret had on the game of golf was measured by more than his three Masters victories, his impeccable Ryder Cup record and his 44 tournament victories around the world. Jimmy Demaret was golf's first show biz star. He was the reason, some said, that Bing Crosby invented the pro-am. He could sing, he could tell jokes, and for a while, it wasn't a party or a golf tournament unless Demaret was on the premises. He could outdress, outquip and outplay just about everybody in an era that included Ben Hogan, Sam Snead and Byron Nelson.

In the same sentence, Grantland Rice called him the "singing Texan." Jackie Burke Jr. once said that Jimmy Demaret "was a jet-setter before there were jets." Herbert Warren Wind referred to him as "The Wardrobe" for fashion statements that singlehandedly put golf clothing on the cutting edge of garish. According to Dan Jenkins, Demaret wore lavender, gold, pink, orange, red and aqua slacks, and yellow, emerald, maroon, plaid, checked, striped and polka-dot sport coats. He gave shoe factories a swatch from his pants and had matching saddle oxfords made. As Demaret said, "If you're going to be in the limelight, you might as well dress like it."

He was a master of one liners. After a bumpy flight to Japan to play in the World Cup, Demaret got off the plane and said, "Hey, Lindbergh got eight days of confetti for less than this." When it snowed at Pebble Beach in the 1962 Crosby, Demaret piped, "Geez, I know I was drinking last night but how did I get to Squaw Valley?" And it was Demaret who first said, "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them." Bob Hope once called him the funniest amateur comedian in the world. Demaret was one of the great professional golfers. A stoutly built man with thick arms, he used an elegant wristy swing that shot out low fades with minimal effort. "He was the most underrated golfer in history," said Hogan. "This man played shots I hadn't dreamed of. I learned them. But it was Jimmy who showed them to me first. He was the best wind player I've ever seen in my life."

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