SPECIAL EDITORIAL NOTE FROM SPORTS_NUT, 2/26/2011
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Welcome to the retirement edition of Funny Sports Quotes.
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The Funny Sports Quotes blog was created in 11/2007 after I could see I could become a blogger very easily using Google's 3-step process for creating a blog online.
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For me, like most, work is not my idea of a fun experience, so I had to choose the topic that I would most enjoy pursuing and that, for me, was finding and posting funny sports quotes for entertaining and, in some cases, educating an audience on facets of sports even the most ardent sports fans may not have been aware of.
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At the same time, I decided to compile a database of funny sports quotes that sports fans and quote fans could visit for "one-stop" shopping, thereby helping them to avoid the need to search elsewhere for sports quotes.
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So, from 11/2007 until 2/2011. I have compiled quotes on the Funny Sports Quotes blog and its sister blog, FSQuotes, that is accessible only from the Funny Sports Quotes blog.
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As of 2/26/2011, I believe I have achieved my objective first set in 11/2007, which signals for me the end of my funny sports quotes database project.
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Kindly note that I have already made the last post (SI Swimsuit) to the blog, shut off further entries to Comments, and I will shut off the email address sports.quotes@gmail.com on 03/14/2011.
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Also note that many features previously cited on this page have been removed, so that a bare-bones FSQ remains for your future reference.
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I do hope that my venture was successful in bringing a smile to your face or a skip to your step, since that was all FSQ was created for, your entertainment and pleasure.
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In closing, I wish you and yours, Godspeed!
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Monday, February 11, 2008

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: newsday.com

ELI MANNING QUOTES

Eli Manning stopped by "The Late Show with David Letterman" last night. The Super Bowl XLII MVP brought down the house with the taped highlight of The Play, his scramble and throw to David Tyree during the winning drive, and he even got off a few decent jokes.

Letterman asked Manning about Patriots coach Bill Belichick's leaving the field with one second left.

"Trying to beat traffic, I guess," Manning said.


Manning also joked about his touchdown throw to Plaxico Burress with 35 seconds left.

"What a pretty ball that was," Letterman said.

"A spiral," Manning said. "That's rare for me."

Manning was supposed to stop by Letterman's show Monday, but weather and the glut of private planes trying to get out of Scottsdale, Ariz., forced him to postpone his Letterman spot and cancel his appearance at a Disneyland parade.

Letterman reminded Manning of all the criticism the quarterback faced all season. "I would say, 'I wouldn't give Eli's troubles to a monkey on a rock,' " Letterman said.

"Yeah, well, I knew you were always on my side," Manning said.

Letterman, an Indianapolis native, added he'd "given up" on Manning's brother Peyton, the Colts quarterback who was last year's Super Bowl MVP.

"That's your hometown," Eli said. "That's your guy."

"No, you're my hometown now," Letterman said.




FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: profootballweekly.com

NFL QUOTES
 
Jan. 29, 2008

The following quotes are from NFL scouts, coaches and front-office personnel, speaking on condition of anonymity.

  • "It's one thing to come off the bench during the season for one series and light it up. It's another to start the season as the guy and do it again. Tony Romo proved he could do it after being anointed. Give the Cowboys credit for waiting to see that he could handle the pressure of starting the season anointed. That's when he got paid. Trust me, it will be different for (Derek) Anderson next year going into the season as the starter. I've seen it happen with too many guys. The expectation level changes. It's different after you've been anointed (as being) 'the guy.' "
  • "You hear a lot about Bill Belichick's coaching tree, but take a look at some of the guys Scott Pioli has hired: (Eagles vice president of player personnel) Jason Licht, (Falcons GM) Thomas Dimitroff, (Patriots WR coach) Nick Caserio, (Patriots offensive coordinator) Josh Mc­Daniels. Every year, they have to reload because their personnel department is getting raided."
  • "I don't understand what the Colts were thinking in preparation for the (Chargers). They got too much rest. They came out looking lethargic and not sharp at all. They got beat by the Chargers' backups in the RCA Dome — how bad is that? I thought they learned last season after their struggles in the playoffs the previous season. The Giants are proof. They came out to play against New England. They competed their (butts) off. They rolled into the playoffs with confidence."
  • "The toughest deal to measure when evaluating quarterbacks is open receivers and time to throw. It's the reason (the) quarterback (position) is so difficult to play and evaluate. Taking zero away from (Tom) Brady, he had all day to throw (vs. Jacksonville). They never got close to him after the first play of the game. Jacksonville's (defensive) coordinator said he was never going to blitz him (before the game), so Brady just dinked and dunked them. Matt Leinart led the nation in open receivers as a junior and senior. How hard is it when receivers are wide open?"
  • "Bill Parcells came out saying he did not want problem children and then he extended Ricky Williams. That threw me for a loop. … He might have some trade value."
  • "When Parcells came to Dallas, you can look at his track record. He spent his first two picks on DeMarcus Ware and Marcus Spears. He started to build it up front."
  • "(Rams CB) Jonathan Wade starting the season playing very well, but when Fakhir Brown came back, he went into a funk. It took him some time to get back in the saddle. Confidence means so much at that position, and he was playing a lot. I think his took a hit when his playing time was taken away."
  • "Cliff Ryan played very well for the Rams at nose tackle, but the Rams need a lot of help on the edges on offense and defense. (DEs) James Hall and Leonard Little are both over 30 and fighting injuries, and you never know anymore how long you're going to have Orlando Pace."
  • "There's not a whole lot in free agency this year. Next year will be the year when it starts growing. Everyone was signing four- or five-year deals."
  • "Green Bay drafted for two years and now they are in the NFC championship. That's why they are the youngest team in the league."
  • "(Giants defensive coordinator) Steve Spagnuolo saved Tom Coughlin's job. The Philadelphia coaching staff is spreading its wings. Look at John Harbaugh, Leslie Frazier, Ron Rivera, Spagnuolo — these are all guys that trained under (Eagles defensive coordinator) Jim Johnson."
  • "Now look at what Tampa Bay's coaches have done when they moved on. (Lions defensive coordinator) Joe Barry's defense was 32nd in the league in total defense. Rod Marinelli better get that fixed. It was music to my ears when they said they were going to run the ball because they got all those receivers in there, no one to run it with and no offensive line. Good luck running it. (Marinelli) could be out of there in another year before they ever get anything fixed."



FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sports.espn.go.com

The ultimate guide to being a fan   

Updated: June 12, 2007, 12:41 PM ET

  

Marcus Banks, Raja Bell, Casey Blake, Gretchen Bleiler, Anquan Boldin, Jeremy Bonderman, Paul Byrd, Orlando Cabrera, Chad Campbell, Luis Castillo, Sasha Cohen, Jimmy Conrad, Natalie Coughlin, Carl Crawford, Paula Creamer, Tara Dakides, Stacey Dales, Landon Donovan, Shay Doron, Dale Earnhardt Jr., Carl Edwards, Ray Emery, Andrew Ference, Steve Fisher, Aaron Fultz, Sergio Garcia, Devean George, Jason Giambi, Jamie Gold, Tatiana Golovin, Scott Gomez, Retief Goosen, Curtis Granderson, Kelly Gregg, Padraig Harrington, Devin Harris, William Henderson, Shea Hillenbrand, Evander Holyfield, Ryan Howard, Steven Jackson, Derek Jeter, Jimmie Johnson, Reed Johnson, Dhani Jones, Todd Jones, Kasey Kahne, Karch Kiraly, Ilya Kovalchuk, Ivory Latta, Kara Lawson, Matt Leinart, Kristi Leskinen, Tom Mastny, Dave Mirra, Heather Mitts, Craig Monroe, Blair Morgan, Alonzo Mourning, Pat Neshek, Lorena Ochoa, Geoff Ogilvy, Jose Maria Olazabal, Shaquille O'Neal, Danica Patrick, Jake Peavy, Jeret Peterson, Shaun Phillips, Josh Powell, Morgan Pressel, Daron Rahlves, Chad Reed, Claudio Reyna, Jason Richardson, Nate Robertson, Ben Roethlisberger, Myron Rolle, Jimmy Rollins, Quinton Ross, Brandon Roy, Angela Ruggiero, C.C. Sabathia, John Salmons, Adam Scott, Ryan Sheckler, Grady Sizemore, Craig Smith, John Smoltz, Annika Sorenstam, Jerry Stackhouse, Donte' Stallworth, Twitch Stenberg, James Stewart, Amaré Stoudemire, Jermain Taylor, Jason Terry, Ronny Turiaf, Chase Utley, Justin Verlander, Brian Vickers, Hakim Warrick, Danny Way, Vernon Wells, Seth Wescott, Ty Wigginton, Marcellus Wiley, Kevin Youkilis, Alexei Zhitnik.

GETTING SOME (AT THE GAME)
Yes, athletes are all business at work. (Aren't you?) But, from what they say, that doesn't mean they won't take some time to sign. (As we're sure you would.)

The Tip
"When I'm done taking batting practice, I sign autographs by the dugout. I'll also sign by first base in between taking grounders." --Jason Giambi, Yankees

"I don't encourage sneaking around, but let's just say you should get real close to the court." --Amaré Stoudemire, Suns

"Sunday morning, behind the trailer, in between all the meet-and-greets, I'm right out in the open and no one else is around." --Kasey Kahne

"On pro-am days, I don't have a problem signing between holes." --Paula Creamer

"Guys will drive by and stop, or sign before they get in their cars. I'd say 80 percent of players will stop." --Andrew Ference, Bruins

"Some of us don't like shaking people's hands before the game, because we don't want anything slippery or sticky on our hands." --Shaun Phillips, Chargers

SECONDARY MARKETS
SPRING TRAINING
PRO: Relaxed players have free time, fewer worries.
CON: Unless you live in Florida or Arizona, there's that price-of-travel thing.
PEARL OF WISDOM: "I tell people all the time, if you're an avid baseball fan, spring training is where you want to be. It's when guys are most fan-friendly." --Jake Peavy, Padres

CHARITY EVENTS
PRO: Athletes are available and glad to have your support.
CON: You may have to cough up some cash to get in the door. C'mon, it's for a good cause.
PEARL OF WISDOM: "Guys are a lot more open at their events, because they want publicity for their work. I'll definitely sign anything you want." --Anquan Boldin, Arizona Cardinals

OFFICIAL SIGNINGS
PRO: Well, there is a reason they're called signings.
CONL There's also often a (cash) reason the athletes agree to sit for them.
PEARL OF WISDOM: "It's what I'm there for, to meet fans. I'm not distracted by other stuff." --Danica Patrick, IndyCar driver

TEAM HOTELS
PRO: Sparse crowds leave room to operate. Bonus: Groupies!
CON: There's a fine line between "seeker" and "stalker."
PEARL OF WISDOM: "There are people waiting for us at 2 a.m., and we just want to go to bed. But sometimes we sign anyway, because we know how long they've been there." --Devin Harris, Mavericks

NESHEK'S COLLECTION AGENCY
One of Pat Neshek's first baseball cards pictured him signing a ball, but he's always been just as comfortable on the other side of that transaction. The Twins reliever has been a serious collector since college, and he started his own webpage -- On the Road With Pat Neshek -- in 2004, largely as a place to trade cards. Since then, he's netted roughly 10,000 of them in return for signed copies of his cardboard likeness. In other words, memorabilia seekers, when he talks, you should listen.

"As odd as it may seem, many players will sign something you send them through the mail. The key is to provide a self-addressed stamped envelope. A lot of websites will even give you a player's rate of return, like SASE.

"The Staedtler is the pen of choice. It has a fine point, is easy to write with and its ink sticks to most surfaces. But the Sharpie is still a favorite, too. Collectors prefer blue.

"Many cards, like the new Topps, have a superglossy surface. Half the time they bubble up so badly, you can't even read the autograph. So before you get one signed, rub it down with baby powder or an eraser to create a base for the ink.

"Feel free to trade with me -- and to trade me. I'm trying to get all 25 of my refractor cards. I recently traded a Dice-K signed ball for one. Oh, and some of my teammates have auctioned their own gear on my website. Check it out. You never know who you'll get. It's kind of like Christmas every day."

SIGNS OF SUCCESS
(The 10 Commandments of The Hunt)

1. "At the top of the pipe at the U.S. Open, some guy screamed at me to sign his photo," says Olympic snowboarder Gretchen Bleiler. "I finally gave in and walked over and … he was holding a picture of Hannah Teter! I was like, 'I'll sign an autograph, but I'm not Hannah.' So here's my advice: Know who you're talking to."

2. "If you're an adult, don't come up to me with four or five things," says Warriors guard Jason Richardson. "You know they're going to sell it all on eBay. I'm not going to sign any of that."

3. "Biggest thing: have something to write with," says Jeret "Speedy" Peterson, Olympic aerialist. "I'm an athlete, not an office assistant. I don't do jumps with a Sharpie in my pocket."

4. "When people scream things like, 'Get over here, I'm paying your salary!' it makes me not want to come over," says Indians pitcher C.C. Sabathia. "Don't scream at me. You'll be ignored if you do."

5. "Don't follow me home from the stadium," advises Yankees SS Derek Jeter. "People follow me all the time. It doesn't scare me, but I'm not going to sign."

6. "Here's a trick: Send the kid over," says Pats WR Donte' Stallworth. "I never turn down a kid for an autograph. In Miami not too long ago, I was late for a lunch meeting, but four or five kids recognized me at the hotel and wanted to talk. I didn't want to be rude, so I talked to them for a couple of minutes, signed some autographs. What was I supposed to do? You gotta hook up the kids."

7. "You know what's inappropriate? When fans get physical with you," says Tigers pitcher Nate Robertson. "One time, I was driving out of the players' parking lot when a rather large woman reached through the window to hug me. Who knows what else she could have done? I pulled back a little and she got the message. Please keep your distance."

8. "You should be sober," warns Thrashers forward Ilya Kovalchuk. "As long as a fan isn't drunk, I'll probably sign. Americans are not so bad about this, but it is a problem in Russia."

9. "Fans don't always understand the routines of the game, that we have a job to do," says Indians third baseman Casey Blake. "Right before a spring training game, a little girl leaned over the fence to ask for an autograph while I was in the middle of stretching. I turned and smiled at her. Then I heard some loudmouth scream, 'Just sign the girl's card!' Meanwhile, I had my leg in the air."

10. "Convince me you're a true fan," says Rams running back Steven Jackson. "I can tell by the sound of a person's voice what he wants. If you're excited about meeting me, maybe know something about me, I will always sign."

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
Approach us in public

Chill Out: "Someone will ask me to sign something while I'm on the phone, and if I say 'Hold on,' they're like, 'Screw you. I didn't want it, anyway. Go, Bengals.'" --Ben Roethlisberger, Steelers

Take the Direct Route: "If you want to approach me, go for it. Don't stare, don't circle, don't do the vulture fly. Just come over. It's Ping-Pong. If I want to serve or hit you back, I will." --Marcellus Wiley, NFL defensive end

Know Your Boundaries: "I found a worse place to be approached than a restaurant: my hotel room. At the U.S. Open, three guys knocked on my door at midnight to see if I wanted to go for a drink. I had to be up at 6. They were harmless, but they ended up coming around every night." --Tara Dakides, snowboarder

Kill Us With Kindness: "The friendlier the better. I like it when people introduce themselves and say, 'Nice to meet you.'" --Chase Utley, Phillies

Wait Your Turn: "Just don't interrupt a conversation. That's why the best time to meet me is if I'm standing by myself, not in a group." --Devin Harris, Mavericks

Do Nothing: "I'm a people-watcher. I hate small talk. I can tell if we'll get along without you even saying a word. I can just tell if you'll annoy the s--- out of me, or if I'll annoy the s--- out of you." --Dale Earnhardt Jr.

Meet us in a restaurant

Parental Guidance Suggested: "I'm not a germaphobe or anything, but I'd just washed my hands, preparing to enjoy a meal with my wife, and this little kid flops in the seat in front of me and plops the pen onto the table. I could see his parents nearby going, 'Yeah, do it!'" --William Henderson, NFL fullback

Mind Their Business: "When I'm with my kids, don't try anything. Especially when I'm eating dinner -- except at my restaurant, Stoudemire's Downtown, in Phoenix. [Ed.'s note: happy hour, weekdays 4:30-7 p.m.] I'll hang out there and sign autographs all day." --Amaré Stoudemire, Suns

Flush the Urge: "I have people see me go into the bathroom and hop up to try to catch me in there. It's just weird." --Shaun Phillips, Chargers

Timing Is Everything: "Come up before I order or after I've eaten, not during the meal, especially if I'm with my family. It's their time too." --Jason Giambi, Yankees

Don't Fool Yourself: "Somebody will break in by saying, 'I didn't want to come over here … ' Well, then, why did you?" --Brandon Roy, Trail Blazers

Find Kelly Gregg: "Just come up to me! I don't care if I'm eating. But it's always nice if you buy me a beer while you're at it!" --Kelly Gregg, Ravens

Hit on us

Don't Front: "Don't pretend you don't know who I am, especially in Arizona. One girl came up to me, acting all clueless. I knew she was a groupie. Also, don't approach me when I'm with my friends or when you're with yours. If I shoot you down, that'll be embarrassing for both of us." --Anquan Boldin, Arizona Cardinals

Open Up: "I want to know about you. Let's talk about stuff that matters, not silly stuff." --Carl Crawford, Devil Rays

No Shop Talk: "Don't talk about tennis! I don't want somebody to want me just because of the game I play. Talk about something else." --Tatiana Golovin, WTA

Be George Clooney …: "Smart, athletic, good-looking, in good shape, confident, polite and funny. That will pretty much do it. --Paula Creamer, LPGA

… Or Jessica Alba: "If you're smoking hot, you're not going to get shot down." --Grady Sizemore, Indians

Drop the Shtick: "Don't pull one-liners. The worst thing to say is something stupid like 'I bet you could beat me up.'" --Angela Ruggiero, U.S. women's hockey team

Bone Up: "If I'm trying to get to know Angelina Jolie, I'm not going to talk to her about acting. I'll talk to her about her travels. I'm into poetry, so use that angle. Do your research." --Dhani Jones, NFL linebacker

SETTING YOUR SIGHTS
We tend to focus on the primary action. But athletes say when we do, we miss out on half the fun.

"Check the trash- talk," says Chargers LB Shaun Phillips. "If a head is bouncing, the guy is talking. That's usually me. As a rookie, I kept telling a Jet how ugly he was. He finally said, 'Shut up, I'm rich.' I didn't have that kind of money yet. He won that one."

"After the game, check out the players in need of media attention," says Florida State rover Myron Rolle. "They walk off the field very slowly, right past the reporters, hoping to be asked for an interview. It's a pretty funny sight."

"Not everyone realizes how physical our game is," says Heather Mitts of the U.S. women's soccer team. "Even when the ball isn't around you, all sorts of cheap things are going on. People step on your toes and won't get off. You name it, it happens."

"After the game, look for me to toss my headband into the crowd," warns Mavericks guard Jason Terry. "Some lucky fan is going home smiling."

"Watch the elbowing that goes on among the photographers on the apron," says boxer Jermain Taylor. "Sometimes their fights to get the best shot are better than what is going on in the ring."

"Most people in the stands don't realize how gnarly and rough the track gets," says snocross champ Blair Morgan. "Walk the course at the end of the day, and you can see how deep the holes are."

"The race to the helipad" rivals any final-lap sprint, according to Nextel Cup driver Jimmie Johnson. "Everyone has a souped-up golf cart, and it's all about having the mobility to squeeze through the crowd. Four or five helicopters shuttle us from the track to our planes, and if you don't get to your plane first, you'll wait to take off for hours."

Red Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis says "watch guys act out superstitions, little things like jumping over lines, on-deck routines, the way they take the mound or go to the rosin. David Eckstein and Nomar are the most fun."

And finally, Nextel Cup driver Brian Vickers offers this practical advice: "Pay attention to our cars as we come in and out of the garage. Some fans are too busy looking for drivers. You can get hit. I haven't hit a fan yet, but I've come close."

WHERE TO SIT
Nobody knows the best seat in the house like the jocks who play there.

Baseball: Behind the plate. "People think anything down the first or third baseline is a nice seat -- until they get there. I always say that's the worst place because you can get hit -- and hurt really seriously -- by a foul ball." --Kevin Youkilis, Red Sox

Basketball: Center court, 15 rows back. "When I'm a spectator, I like to be up a bit so I can look down on the action and see the plays develop." --Kara Lawson, Monarchs

Boxing: Midlevel. "Most people think the best place to watch from is the first five rows. But sitting ringside, you have to look up through the ropes. Sit a little higher, and it's like the way you see a fight on TV." --Jermain Taylor, WBC and WBO middleweight champ

Football: Behind the end zone. "You can see the linemen pull, see how the holes open, see every cut I make. It's the best place to see a play unfold." --Steven Jackson, Rams

Golf: Between adjacent holes. "Check the course map to see which holes run parallel. That way you can catch two holes without walking too much." --Morgan Pressel

Hockey: Behind the bench, 15-20 rows up. "When you are right against the glass, you miss every important part of the game. I don't know why people think those are the best seats." --Scott Gomez, Devils

Motocross: Near the triples. "That's where all the cool stuff happens." --James Stewart

NASCAR: End of front straightaway, going into Turn 1. "Down by the fence is the best place -- other than my seat." --Carl Edwards

Soccer: Midfield, midlevel. "A suite is nice, but if you want the real atmosphere, midfield is as good as it gets. You don't want to be too low, though. Halfway up, you get a view of the whole field." --Landon Donovan, LA Galaxy

Tennis: Along the baseline. "On the side, you have to move your head back and forth too much." --Tatiana Golovin