FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: time.com

LACROSSE QUOTES (1965):

By way of celebrating King George III's 25th birthday, the Chippewas and Sacs in 1763 got together for some in tertribal bagataway — lacrosse,* in pale face language — outside Quebec's Fort Michilimackinac. Invited to watch the fun, the Fort's entire garrison gathered on the sidelines. Whereupon the braves dropped their bagataway sticks, grabbed their tomahawks, and staged one of the bloodiest massacres in Canadian history.

Hardly anybody gets killed at lacrosse any more. The sport, Canada's official national game, is played also at Oxford, Cambridge and 90 U.S. colleges (mostly in the East) including girls' schools, notably Smith College. The basic principles have changed little: using netted sticks to carry or pass a small hard-rubber ball, two ten-man teams attempt to shoot it into the opposing goal; as in soccer, only the goalkeeper may take the ball in his hands. Nowadays the players wear helmets, masks, pads and gloves, and it is no longer good form (or legal) to bash an opponent on the head, Indian-style. Nonetheless, players generally indulge in subtle forms of intimidation, such as clouting each others' funny bones or jabbing for the groin.

Signs of Spring. The U.S. capital of lacrosse is Baltimore, which has been in love with the sport since 1878, when a track-and-field team returned from Newport, R.I., with news of a "most activating and exciting new game." To a Baltimorean, the first signs of spring are the dents made in auto fenders by kids practicing passes. Lacrosse is a major sport at most of the city's public and private high schools; and one or another of three Maryland colleges (Johns Hopkins, the U.S. Naval Academy, and the University of Maryland) has won the national championship in all but four of the past 20 years.

Baltimore's pride is the team fielded by the Mt. Washington Club—an organization of old braves, some of whom have been out of college for ten years or more. The coach is a torts lawyer, the star attack man a 33-year-old insurance broker; there are also two stockbrokers on the squad. The club pays no salaries, awards no letters, has never even got around to hanging the framed team photographs in its red brick clubhouse five miles from downtown Baltimore. Practice scrimmages are studiedly informal: the losers buy the winners beer. "We just have a good time," says Coach Ben Goertemiller—at the expense of the nation's best college teams. Since 1946, the Mt. Washington Wolfpack has won 185 games, lost only nine. Last season they were undefeated; this year they have already knocked off Virginia (20-8), Johns Hopkins (13-8), Army (15-14) and the Washington, D.C., Lacrosse Club (15-4). Their only loss: to Collegiate Champion Navy, by the score of 11-10.

"Go, Biddison!" For Baltimoreans, last week was typical, if slightly incestuous. Hopkins clobbered Army 6-3, and Navy beat Maryland 13-7. Meanwhile, at Baltimore's Kid Norris Field, named for an old midfielder who played 15 seasons for Mt. Washington before hanging up his stick, the Wolfpack took on the Long Island Lacrosse Club. Elegant women urged on Baltimore's heroes with cries of "How to hook it, Buddy!" "Man on your back, Larry!" and "Go, Biddison!" When an injured player staggered over to the bench, Equipment Manager Spike Watts prescribed his standard treatment: merthiolate for a minor wound, Band-Aid for a bad one.

Mt. Washington started out feeling kindly toward their visitors; by the time they got mad, they were trailing 2-0. They got quite mad. The final score was 18-6, and the two teams adjourned to the clubhouse to spike a keg of beer.

* So called originally by French Canadians who thought that the stick used in the game resembled a bishop's crosier.

 

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: quotegarden.com

SPORTS QUOTES:

Every sport pretends to a literature, but people don't believe it of any other sport but their own.  ~Alistair Cooke

If only Hitler and Mussolini could have a good game of bowls once a week at Geneva, I feel that Europe would not be as troubled as it is.  ~R.G. Briscow

Sports is human life in microcosm.  ~Howard Cosell

Thus so wretched is man that he would weary even without any cause for weariness... and so frivolous is he that, though full of a thousand reasons for weariness, the least thing, such as playing billiards or hitting a ball, is sufficient enough to amuse him.  ~Blaise Pascal

I don't believe professional athletes should be role models.  I believe parents should be role models.... It's not like it was when I was growing up.  My mom and my grandmother told me how it was going to be.  If I didn't like it, they said, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out."  Parents have to take better control.  ~Charles Barkley

I think my favorite sport in the Olympics is the one in which you make your way through the snow, you stop, you shoot a gun, and then you continue on.  In most of the world, it is known as the biathlon, except in New York City, where it is known as winter.  ~Michael Ventre, L.A. Daily News

The trouble with referees is that they just don't care which side wins.  ~Tom Canterbury

With the money I'm making, I should be playing two positions.  ~Pete Rose, 1977

Prize fighters can sometimes read and write when they start - but they can't when they finish.  ~Martin H. Fischer

October is not only a beautiful month but marks the precious yet fleeting overlap of hockey, baseball, basketball, and football.  ~Jason Love

I would have thought that the knowledge that you are going to be leapt upon by half-a-dozen congratulatory, but sweaty team-mates would be inducement not to score a goal.  ~Arthur Marshall

A player who conjugates a verb in the first person singular cannot be part of the squad, he has to conjugate the verb in the first person plural.  We.  We want to conquer.  We are going to conquer.  Using the word "I" when you're in a group makes things complicated.  ~Wanderley Luxemburgo, 1999

One day of practice is like one day of clean living.  It doesn't do you any good.  ~Abe Lemmons

The more you sweat in practice, the less you bleed in battle.  ~Author Unknown

I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give it up.  I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball.  I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football.  And I have 20-20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee.  ~Jay Leno

To think of playing cricket for hard cash!  Money and gentility would ruin any pastime under the sun.  ~Mary Russell Mitford, 1823

It is all very well to say that a man should play for the pure love of the game.  Perhaps he ought, but to the working man it is impossible.  ~J.J. Bentley

I know we're meant to be these hard-headed, money-obsessed professionals but we're still little boys at heart.  Just ask our wives.  ~Rob Lee, 1998

Radio football is football reduced to its lowest common denominator.  Shorn of the game's aesthetic pleasures, or the comfort of a crowd that feels the same way as you, or the sense of security that you get when you see that your defenders and goalkeeper are more or less where they should be, all that is left is naked fear.  ~Nick Hornby, Fever Pitch, 1992

Professional wrestling's most mysterious hold is on its audience.  ~Luke Neely, 1953

The breakfast of champions is not cereal, it's the opposition.  ~Nick Seitz

We are inclined that if we watch a football game or baseball game, we have taken part in it.  ~John F. Kennedy, 1961

I don't think the discus will ever attract any interest until they let us start throwing them at one another.  ~Al Oerter

The umpire... is like the geyser in the bathroom; we cannot do without it, yet we notice it only when it is out of order.  ~Neville Cardus

It is a noteworthy fact that kicking and beating have played so considerable a part in the habits which necessity has imposed on mankind in past ages that the only way of preventing civilized men from beating and kicking their wives is to organize games in which they can kick and beat balls.  ~George Bernard Shaw

It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf.  ~H.L. Mencken

Baseball and football are very different games.  In a way, both of them are easy.  Football is easy if you're crazy as hell.  Baseball is easy if you've got patience.  They'd both be easier for me if I were a little more crazy - and a little more patient.  ~Bo Jackson

Sport is where an entire life can be compressed into a few hours, where the emotions of a lifetime can be felt on an acre or two of ground, where a person can suffer and die and rise again on six miles of trails through a New York City park.  Sport is a theater where sinner can turn saint and a common man become an uncommon hero, where the past and the future can fuse with the present.  Sport is singularly able to give us peak experiences where we feel completely one with the world and transcend all conflicts as we finally become our own potential.  ~George A. Sheehan

There's nothing wrong with the Little League World Series that locking out the adults couldn't cure.  ~Mike Penner, Los Angeles Times

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.  ~Steven Wright

I think you enjoy the game more if you don't know the rules.  Anyway you're on the same wavelength as the referees.  ~Jonathan Davies, 1995

Losing is the great American sin.  ~Jerome Holtzman

The essence of sports is that while you're doing it, nothing else matters, but after you stop, there is a place, generally not very important, where you would put it.  ~Roger Bannister

It's like going into a nuclear war with bows and arrows.  ~Joe Kinnear, comparing finances and resources in high-dollar and low-dollar sports teams

I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.  ~Robin Williams, 1982

Officials are the only guys who can rob you and then get a police escort out of the stadium.  ~Ron Bolton

If you screw things up in tennis, it's 15-love.  If you screw up in boxing, it's your ass.  ~Randall "Tex" Cobb

I was called "Rembrandt" Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.  ~Bob Hope

It may be that all games are silly.  But then, so are humans.  ~Robert Lynd

Sport strips away personality, letting the white bone of character shine through.  Sport gives players an opportunity to know and test themselves.  ~Rita Mae Brown

When it comes to sports I am not particularly interested.  Generally speaking, I look upon them as dangerous and tiring activities performed by people with whom I share nothing except the right to trial by jury.  ~Fran Lebowitz

I cannot for the life of me see why the umpires, the only two people on a cricket field who are not going to get grass stains on their knees, are the only two people allowed to wear dark trousers.  ~Katharine Whitehorn

Oh God, if there be cricket in heaven, let there also be rain.  ~Alec Douglas Home

Cricket is baseball on valium.  ~Robin Williams

Every day you guys look worse and worse.  And today you played like tomorrow.  ~John Mariucci

The Russians have a weapon that can wipe out two hundred eighty thousand Americans.  That puts them exactly ten years behind Howard Cosell.  ~Red Smith

Sport is a preserver of health.  ~Hippocrates

All a manager has to do is keep eleven players happy - the eleven in the reserves.  The first team are happy because they are in the first team.  ~Rodney Marsh, 1979

There's more to boxing than hitting.  There's not getting hit, for instance.  ~George Foreman

Squash is boxing with racquets.  ~Jonah Barrington

Crystallizing my feelings about the game, I find that squash is less frustrating than golf, less fickle than tennis.  It is easier than badminton, cheaper than polo.  It is better exercise than bowls, quicker than cricket, less boring than jogging, drier than swimming, safer than hang gliding.  ~John Hopkins, Squash: A Joyful Game, 1980

We have forty-four defenses for him, but he has forty-five ways to score.  ~Al Attles, on Nate Archibald

Sports are too much with us.  Late and soon, sitting and watching - mostly watching on television - we lay waste our powers of identification and enthusiasm and, in time, attention as more and more closing rallies and crucial putts and late field goals and final playoffs and sudden deaths and world records and world championships unreel themselves ceaselessly before our half-lidded eyes.  ~Roger Angell

Fans are the only ones who really care.  There are no free-agent fans.  ~Dick Young

 

 

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: rogersmj.com

The truth about curling

If I had written that headline a month ago, I think most of you would have thought, "Curling…curling…like hair curling?" But, thanks to MSNBC being turned into the 24 hours a day, 7 days a week Cable Olympic Curling Channel for two weeks during the 2006 Torino Olympics, we are all, for better or worse, with or without our consent, now educated about one of the oldest winter sports to come out of one of the dreariest winter places (Scotland — whoa, hold on, I just remembered the Scots invented golf too. See what you get when you have a bunch of skirt-wearing men confined to an island? That's right, weird sports. And weird instruments.)

But MSNBC/COCC made sure we're not too educated. I was mystified the first time I saw the sport on TV. I had heard the word over the years, but I had no idea how curling was played or what the game looked like. At first glance it looks simple — slide a big puck-looking thing down the ice and try to get it as close to the center of the target as possible. I couldn't understand what was so great about the sport. We poked no end of fun at the goofy people with their brushes, and all the teams screaming "HARD!" in a dozen different languages. The first time I saw it, I figured that MSNBC was just showing the sport for part of that particular day — MSNBC was airing the Olympics during the daytime, while NBC did the primetime stuff at night — and the next day would be a cool sport like ski jumping or speed skating. But when I checked what was on the next day, it was again curling. And the day after that. And so on.

I was astonished. What was with the constant curling broadcasts? Were viewers actually demanding this be covered all the time? It became a joke around the apartment that if you wanted to watch the Olympics in the middle of the day, you'd better like curling. Except it wasn't a joke — nine times out of ten, when I wanted to watch the Olympics in non-primetime, curling was the only option. Strangely, we started watching it — even as we continued to make fun of it. It was like we couldn't look away. The announcers amused us too, one with a Canadian accent and the other constantly talking up the virtues of the sport — "chess on ice" was one of the best, along with all the comments about who was the best ice brusher. We knew it was bad when NBC Nightly News broke for commercial with the words, "When we come back, the Olympic event that a lot of people just can't get enough of."

Before I knew it, I was constantly watching curling — not just because it was always on, but because I was intrigued. Mostly, I wondered what the hell the rules were. It took almost two solid weeks of watching just to figure out the basics — I think that's the way NBC wanted it; people might watch if they have to figure out what's going on for themselves. Apparently the national curling web site crashed during the first week of the Olympics because everyone and their brother was trying to learn how the game is played.

The other reason I watched was because I wanted to figure out what the attraction was. What was it about this sport that converted a major cable channel into an all-curling, all the time network? That got a spot on the prime time evening news? That got Bush to watch it on Air Force One and declare he enjoyed it (other than "Oooh! Rocks!")? What in the hell got me to watch this sport — that I initially considered no more complicated or exciting than darts with stones — for almost two weeks?

I have no freaking clue.

So, the title of this post might have been misleading — I don't know the truth about curling. I don't even know all the rules. I do know that some Canadians find it erotic, and women like to watch because "it's attractive men who can sweep…what more could a girl want?", and that curling must be exercising some form of mind control (it's the target), but other than that I just think it's interesting. I keep returning to that quote about curling being "chess on ice." After getting a small taste of the strategy involved, I'm starting to think that quote is more fact than funny. Sure, the players look goofy sweeping as hard as they can to get a 40-lb rock to move over the ice just so, but in a way it's fun to watch.

HARD!

 

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