FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: apudgeisasandwich.wordpress.com

 

 

TWIRS: Americans Give Nod To Croquet Over Soccer

 

 

To kick off TWIRS (This Week In Random Sports) we at APIAS would like to delve into something near and dear to our hearts.  Croquet. 

It strikes us as odd that soccer has slowly been creeping up on the radar of American sports, while croquet still takes a back seat.  We understand the need to cheer for people kicking around a ball, but seriously, croquet is a much more interesting sport.  And because of this, we present the top 5 reasons croquet is a superior sport for the American public. 

 

#5 You Can't Wear Funny Pants in Soccer

Seriously, this point speaks for itself.  If you can't dress classy with plaid pants, why would you want to be involved in a sport.  The Lexington Croquet Association mandates pants and goofy sweaters at their matches.  People, your choices here are competitors in John Stockton short shorts and epilepsy inducing jerseys or stylishly dressed individuals in kooky sweaters.  Point, croquet.

 #4 There's Always a Winner In Croquet

As a previous article at APIAS has already stated, soccer is just one of those odd sports where you can end up tied after running around all crazy-go-nuts for 90+ minutes (how anyone can physcially do this is beyond us).  Croquet on the other hand always ends with one person victorious, and 5 others bitching about the victor's playing ethics.

#3 No One Ever Died After a Croquet Match

Seriously, we don't have the bandwith to post all of the links to crazy ass soccer fans killing one another.

#2 In Croquet, You Hit a Ball With a Stick

Much like Amercia's pastime (baseball, for those of you not in the know) croquet is a sport that involves hitting a ball with a stick.  The laid back atmosphere of croquet should get baseball fans involved, while the brutatlity of "sending" someone's ball should get the UFC crowd fired up.  How could croquet not win in the USA?

#1 You Can Imbibe Whilst Playing

I ask you one thing sport fan:  how many soccer players have you seen with a beer in hand?  There are very few sports that encourage a beer or twelve.  Golf, bowling, croquet.  It's a good, short list.  But soccer is not included.  You don't go to a golf course to shoot 100 and enjoy yourself.  You don't go to a bowling alley to bowl 83 to enjoy yourself.  And you sure as Hell don't play croquet on New Year's Day in the rain because it's what you were taught to do growing up.  Croquet is a sport of kings (Barbaro was fond of croquet) and every sport of kings involves a little imbibery from time to time.

So you see, soccer may be a global monster bent on domination of the American market.  But croquet will always be croquet. 

---

Planning your summer road trip? Check out AOL Travel Guides.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: barry.desktopmiracles.com

Top 10 Quotes - Sports Related

Posted by Barry on June 4th, 2006

"Abattez l'enfer dehors t.u.!!!!! "
——Beat the Hell outta t.u. (en francais)

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"The real reason your golf pro tells you to keep you head down is so you can't see him laughing at you."
——Phyllis Diller

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"Golf is legalized vandalism for adults."
——Rick Reilly, Sports Illustrated, Oct. 19, 1998

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Golf is an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
——Sports Illustrated

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Golfers love punishment. And that's where I come in.
——Pete Dye, Golf Course Architect

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"I will never understand how she can ski down a mountain at 50 or 60 mph, then come home and fall down the stairs."
——Mom of Karen Percy, Canadian Olympian, downhill skiing bronze medalist.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

When you look nice, you feel nice.
When you feel nice, you play nice.
When you play nice, you win gobs of money.
——Philosophy of golfer Tom Lehman

 

---

Free email, web pages, news, entertainment, weather and MORE!
Check out -------------------------------> http://wowmail.com

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: bbsv.de

BASEBALL QUOTES

Umpire's Heaven is a place where he works third base every game. Home is where the heartache is."
Ron Luciano [Baldham Boars]

"I was hoping we'd be opening at Joe Robbie Stadium against Elmer Milktoast and the Gigiville nine. But unfortunately, it's Bobby Cox and the world champion Atlanta Braves in Atlanta."
New Florida Marlins manager John Boles on his managerial debut.

"You can play for the three-run homer there a lot. Like every inning."
Former Rockies and current Yankees catcher Joe Girardi, on playing at Coors Field.
"No one can stop a home run. No one can understand what it really is, unless you have felt it in your own hands and body. As the ball makes its high, long arc beyond the playing field, the diamond and the stands suddenly belong to one man. In that brief, brief time, you are free of all demands and complications.
Sadaharu Oh, Tokyo Giants Outfielder and All-Time Homerun Leader
"There were only two Bash Brothers (Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco), and one's in Boston now. Maybe I can be a Bash Stepchild."
Oakland's Scott Brosius, who has 10 homers, after suggestions he's ready to become a Bash Brother.
"[Before that,] I couldn't drive home Miss Daisy."
Boston outfielder Lee Tinsley, who had his first three RBI of the season Friday against Detroit.
"I'll tell you, I don't know what we ate during the off day, but we better eat more of it."
A's manager Art Howe, after Oakland hit a club record eight homers Thursday against California. Seven different players homered, tying a big league record.
"I have no clue what any of this means. For all I know, we don't even have signs."
Angels reliever Troy Percival, who didn't understand any of third base coach Rick Burleson's signs when asked to go to the plate for his first career at-bat.
"He's hitting .450. Of course, everybody is hitting .450."
Braves center fielder Marquis Grissom on his son D'Monte, who is playing T-ball at the age of 4.
"The music sounds better, the wine tastes sweeter and the girls look better when we win."
Mark Grace, after the Chicago Cubs ended a six-game losing streak.
"I wasn't scared. I just told them to give me all that hockey equipment."
Roger Clemens who wore Mo Vaughn's forearm pad and Kevin Mitchell's shinguard to get his first major-league hit, after a series of shifts put the DH in left field, forcing the Boston pitcher to bat.

"I was a nervous wreck out there. Swear to God. I felt like I was in the presence of the president."
Mariners reserve catcher John Marzano, after hitting a double and winding up standing next to Baltimore's Cal Ripken Jr.
"The ball is smaller, the planets are in line, the hole in the ozone layer is bigger, and so is Juan Gonzalez."
Terry Mulholland, on why more home runs are being hit these days
"The two most important things in life are good friends and a b bullpen."
Bob Lemon
"I was never nervous when I had the ball, but when I let go I was scared to death."
Lefty Gomez
"There were times last year when people looked at the scoreboard and thought my batting average was the temperature."
Buck Martinez
"The only people I ever felt intimidated by in my whole life were Bob Gibson and my Daddy."
Dusty Baker
"I knew it would ruin my arm, but one year of 25-7 is worth five of 15-15."
Steve Stone
"I took the two most expensive asprins in history."
Wally Pipp on his decision to sit out a game with a headache which let Lou Gehrig into the lineup.
"The greatest thrill in the world is to end the game with a home run and watch everybody else walk off the field while you're running the bases on air."
Al Rosen

"I don't get upset over things I can't control, because if I can't control them there's no use getting upset. And I don't get upset over the things I can control, because if I can control them there's no use in getting upset."
Mickey Rivers
"They should move first base back one step to eliminate all those close plays."
John Lowenstein
"Baseball is a lot like life. The line drives are caught, the squibbers go for base hits. It's an unfair game."
Ron Kanehl [Baldham Boars]
"I'm beginning to see Brooks [Robinson] in my sleep. If I dropped a paper plate, he'd pick it up on one hop and throw me out at first."
Sparky Anderson
"The only reason I don't like playing in the World Series is I can't watch myself play."
Reggie Jackson
"Not true at all. Vaseline is manufactured right here in the United States."
Don Sutton, about the rumors that he uses a foreign substance on the ball
"If I had my career to play over, one thing I'd do differently is swing more. Those 1,200 walks I got.....nobody remembers them."
Pee Wee Reese
"Fans don't boo nobodies."
Reggie Jackson
"Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?"
Jim Bouton

"I thought I had it. I was twisting around like this. It grazed my glove, hit me on the head, and bounced over. I'll be on ESPN for about a month."
Jose Canseco
"I'm tired of it. I don't want to hear about it anymore."
Bill Buckner
"Looking at the ball going over the fence isn't going to help."
Hank Aaron
"The difference between the old ballplayer and the new ballplayer is the jersey. The old ballplayer cared about the name on the front. The new ballplayer cares about the name on the back."
Steve Garvey
"You spend a good piece of your life gripping a baseball and in the end it turns out that it was the other way around all the time."
Jim Bouton
"Why certainly I'd like to have that fellow who hits a home run every time at bat, who strikes out every opposing batter when he's pitching, who throws strikes to any base or the plate when he's playing outfield and who's always thinking about two innings ahead just what he'll do to baffle the other team. Any manager would want a guy like that playing for him. The only trouble is to get him to put down his cup of beer and come down out of the stands and do those things."
Manager Danny Murtaugh
"October doesn't care what your name is."
Mike Lupica
"Guys ask me, don't I get burned out? How can you get burned out doing something you love? I ask you, have you ever got tired of kissing a pretty girl?"
Tommy Lasorda
"I'm not out here to win a beauty contest."
Kirk Gibson
"With those who don't give a damn about baseball, I can only sympathize. I do not resent them. I am even willing to concede that many of them are physically clean, good to their mothers and in favor of world peace. But while the game is on, I can't think of anything to say to them."
Art Hill

"When I get the record, all it will make me is the player with the most hits. I'm also the player with the most at bats and the most outs. I never said I was a greater player than Cobb."
Pete Rose
"How come we drive on parkways and park on driveways ?"
Larry Anderson
"That's why I don't talk. Because I talk too much."
Joquin Andujar
"Raise the urinals."
Darrel Chaney on how management could keep the Braves on their toes
"I told [GM] Roland Hemond to go out and get me a big name pitcher. He said, 'Dave Wehrmeister's got 11 letters. Is that a big enough name for you ?'"
Eddie Eichorn, White Sox owner
"When I covered the Yankees in the '60s, they had players like Horace Clarke, Ross Moschitto, Jake Gibbs and Dooley Womack. It was like the first-team missed the bus."
Broadcaster Joe Garagiola
"The only way I'm going to get a Gold Glove is with a can of spray paint."
Reggie Jackson
"All ballplayers should quit when it starts to feel as if all the baselines run uphill."
Babe Ruth
"I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4-1/2 minutes. When they asked him what it was like being dead, he said it was like listening to Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto during a rain delay."
David Letterman
"I've had so many x-rays that my pitches might take on a subtle glow. It will be tough to pick up my ball. It will look like an opaque-type fog."
Joe Magrane

"Just because I'm left-handed and quotable doesn't mean I'm from another solar system."
Joe Magrane
"The majority of American males put themselves to sleep by striking out the batting order of the New York Yankees."
James Thurber [Baldham Boars]
"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf
"When I was a little boy, I wanted to be a baseball player and join the circus. With the Yankees, I've accomplished both."
Graig Nettles
"It's a good thing Babe Ruth isn't here. If he was, George Steinbrenner would have him bat seventh and say he's overweight."
Graig Nettles
"He's so ugly. When you walked by him, your pants wrinkle. He made fly balls curve foul."
Mickey Rivers, on teammate Danny Napeleon's looks
"I played third base like Brooks ... Mel Brooks."
Andy Van Slyke
"Who cares how long they are as long as they're over the fence."
Robin Ventura on a tape-measure homer
"I'm never satisfied. I can't stand satisifaction. To me, greatness comes from that quest for perfection."
Mike Schmidt
"Just take the ball and throw it where you want to. Throw strikes. Home plate don't move."
Satchel Paige
"I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it."
Rogers Hornsby
"My best game plan is to sit on the bench and call out specific instructions like 'C'mon Boog,' 'Get ahold of one, Frank,' or 'Let's go, Brooks.'"
Earl Weaver
"Always root for the winner. That way you won't be disappointed."
Tug McGraw
"I'd walk through hell in a gasoline suit to play baseball."
Pete Rose

---

Free email, web pages, news, entertainment, weather and MORE!
Check out -------------------------------> http://wowmail.com

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sports.espn.go.com

 

Our favorite streaks

---

By Page 2

Here at Page 2, we're mighty impressed with the Rockets' 19-game win streak, tied for third in NBA history. They've even won 10 in a row by double digits, tying an NBA record.

 

But we're always prepared for events such as this. In fact, we keep a rolling list of streaks that will help us put the Rockets' achievement in perspective. At this time, it runs 5,426 items. Here are some selected highlights from this list of our favorite streaks:

 

5,292. Joe DiMaggio: 56-game hitting streak

True, no player has come close to toppling Joe D's mark, but we can't rank it any higher due to the fact that, frankly, Ted Williams should have won the MVP award in 1941.

 

	Wayne Gretzky finished 79 points ahead of Paul Coffey for the NHL lead in 1983-84.

2,138. Wayne Gretzky: Eight consecutive years leading the NHL in scoring

Sure, Michael Jordan led the NBA in scoring average 10 straight full seasons, but Gretzky's stretch didn't include any "voluntary" breaks to ride buses in the Southern League and hit weak grounders to second base. And Jordan didn't dominate to this extent: Gretzky's streak included margins of 65, 72, 79, 73, 74 and 75 points over the No. 2 guy.

 

958. Orel Hershiser: 59 consecutive scoreless innings

Hershiser started six games in September 1998 and pitched shutouts in all of them, including a 10-inning whitewash of the Padres in his final start to surpass Don Drysdale's previous mark. But Hershiser didn't stop there: In the postseason, he led the punchless Dodgers to the World Series title by allowing just five runs in five playoff starts (he even picked up a save).

 

645. Michigan: 32 straight bowl appearances

The longest current streak in college football dates back to the 1975 season. We'd actually be impressed if the Wolverines didn't play in the Big Ten.

 

	Expect Gonzaga to reach the Big Dance for the 10th year in a row.

644. Gonzaga: Nine consecutive NCAA tournament bids (and counting)

The Zags should make it 10 straight this year. No, this number may not impress the Dukies or the Heels, but for a mid-major it's an amazing feat. And the Zags don't have the luxury of playing in the Big Ten. Just in case you want to know, here's the recap:

2007: No. 10 seed, lost to No. 7 seed Indiana in first round
2006: No. 3 seed, lost to No. 2 seed UCLA in Sweet 16
2005: No. 3 seed, lost to No. 6 seed Texas Tech in second round
2004: No. 2 seed, lost to No. 10 seed Nevada in second round
2003: No. 9 seed, lost to No. 1 seed Arizona in second round
2002: No. 6 seed, lost to No. 11 seed Wyoming in first round
2001: No. 12 seed, lost to No. 1 seed Michigan State in Sweet 16
2000: No. 10 seed, lost to No. 6 seed Purdue in Sweet 16
1999: No. 10 seed, lost to No. 1 seed UConn in Elite Eight

 

599. Golden State Warriors: 12 consecutive years missing the playoffs

From 1994-95 through 2005-06, the Warriors stunk it up every year. They went through nine different coaches (who can forget the 17-65 campaign under Dave Cowens?). They drafted Mike Dunleavy Jr. third overall. They drafted Todd Fuller in the first round. They drafted Gilbert Arenas in the second round -- but lost him to the Wizards through free agency. They went 10 years without an All-Star player. Yes, the Clippers went 15 straight seasons missing the playoffs at one point, but they didn't have to do it wearing the most boring uniforms ever … and they didn't have a player attack the coach.

 

416. A.C. Green: 1,192 consecutive games played

 

415. A.C. Green: 38 consecutive years without sex

 

325. Julio Lugo: 3,844 consecutive plate appearances with at least one "adjustment"

Lugo's streak is still active, but it does fall short of the all-time record of 8,467 held by Steve Finley. It should also be noted that on a per-plate-appearance average, Jim Presley still holds the mark at 4.68 APPA.

 

234. Chicago Cubs: 99 years without a World Series title

Did you know the Cubs didn't really become The Cubs until 1984? By that we mean a slightly less obnoxious version of the Red Sox. Before that season, nobody cared about the Cubbies -- not even Cubs fans. Other than a slight upturn in attendance from 1969 to 1971, the Cubs ranked in the bottom half of NL attendance all but four seasons from 1948 through 1983. From 1953 through 1967, they never drew a million fans. So, no, the Cubs haven't been lovable losers throughout their history; they've mostly just been losers.

 

200. Alex Rodriguez: 47 consecutive postseason at-bats without an RBI

A-Rod's solo home run in Game 4 of last year's first-round exit against Cleveland finally ended his streak, giving him one postseason RBI in his last 49 at-bats. M-V-P! M-V-P!

 

178. Matt Millen: Seven consecutive years without being fired

Millen has presided over a 31-81 record, 24 consecutive road losses and drafting Charles Rogers. Rasheed Wallace even once joined in a "Fire Millen" chant during a Pistons game. Hmm, come to think of it, maybe we should move him up on the list.

 

146. Jim Leyland: Able to sneak out for a smoke in 2,526 consecutive games

How can this record ever be broken? Smoking is on the decline, managers don't last long anymore and television cameras are so intrusive that most skippers stick to spitting and scratching during games even if they do smoke. The only way would be to move the Marlins to China (home to 30 percent of the world's smokers) and hire a local manager.

 

88. Bobby Beathard: Six consecutive years trading away his first-round pick

As GM of the Redskins, Beathard hated first-round picks like Oscar Gamble must have hated dandruff. When he became GM of the Chargers, he would have broken that streak except he made one first-round pick in a seven-year span: Ryan Leaf. We don't even have a joke for that.

 

65. Chris Capuano: Started 18 consecutive games that his team lost

As the owner of an economics degree from Duke, even Capuano has to admit it doesn't make sense to bring back a pitcher who appeared in 22 consecutive games his team lost (Capuano went 0-12 with a 6.08 ERA in those 18 starts; he also pitched in relief four times). And you wonder why the Brewers haven't made the playoffs since 1982.

 

51. No. 16 seeds: 92 consecutive losses to No. 1 seeds in the NCAA basketball tournament

That's 0 and 92. But there's hope this year if Memphis gets a No. 1 seed.

 

22. Arizona Cardinals: 50 consecutive seasons without a playoff victory

From 1948 through 1997, the Cardinals appeared in four playoff games and lost them all. The Bidwell family had its heart ripped out when the team shocked the Cowboys in the 1998 playoffs, but at least the team has started another nine-year run.

 

3. Brett Favre: 253 consecutive starts at quarterback

Let's see, if Brady Quinn replaces Derek Anderson in Week 1 of 2011, he'll catch Favre in …

 

2. Isiah Thomas: Has run two consecutive organizations into the ground

 

1. Mark Roberts: The Streaker

Roberts has supposedly crashed more than 380 events. In 2004, he crashed the Super Bowl. His peak performance level was off the charts. He maintains the top spot on our list.

 

---

Free email, web pages, news, entertainment, weather and MORE!
Check out -------------------------------> http://wowmail.com

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: 3gold.com

 

SPORTS INSULTS

 

(YO MAMA STYLE)

Yo mama's like a hockey player, she only showers after three period

Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter.

Yo mama's like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods.

Yo mama's got three fingers and runs around stealing bowling balls.

Yo mama has one arm and when she fights, the announcer says "She throws a right, a right, and another right."

Yo mama has one arm and swims in circles.

Yo mama has one leg and swims in circles.

Yo mama's got no arms or legs and when she goes swimmin' they call her Bob.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the internet was something you catch fish with.

Yo mama's so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.

Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.

Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod.

Yo mama's so stupid, when I asked her if she wanted to play one on one, she said "Ok, but what's the teams?"

Yo mama's so short, she can play handball on the curb.

Yo mama's so old, when Moses split the red sea, she was on the other side fishing.

Yo mama's so hairy, her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.

Yo mama's so fat, she can't stay on a basketball court for three seconds without getting called for a key violation.

Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise.

Yo mama's so fat, when she plays football she plays the interior line.

Yo mama's so fat, they have to run a relay race to get her belt through her belt loops.

 

 

 

 

---

Planning your summer road trip? Check out AOL Travel Guides.