FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: maranathatennis2000.com

Image: shutterstock.com
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TENNIS QUOTES
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It's one-on-one out there, man. There ain't no hiding. I can't pass the ball. People know me. I'm not going to produce any cartwheels out there. I'm not going to belong on Comedy Central. I'll always be a tennis player, not a celebrity."
____ Pete Sampras
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If you practice bad tennis you are practicing to be a bad tennis player."
____M. Paul Sanchez
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I tried to play smart, which isn't my game."
_____ Marat Safin
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"Hit at the girl whenever possible."
____Bill Tilden on mixed doubles
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Sampras, Sampras, Sampras, Sampras and Sampras"
____Andre Agassi's reply when asked who are the best five players of all time.
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sportsillustrated.cnn.com

OLYMPICS SPORTS QUOTES

Quotes from 1998 Olympics (Nagano, Japan)

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Best quotes:

"It was second-hand smoke,"

Canadian gold medal snowboarder Ross Rebagliati after testing positive for traces of marijuana

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"USA Hockey will have no further comment on the matter. For more information, please call Darryl Seibel at USA Hockey."

-- USA Hockey press release regarding the Team USA dorm-trashing incident

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"The 500m [individual] went super good and the relay went super good and we have a good shot at winning Saturday cuz I don't think all of us guys went all out last night and we have some juice left."

-- Marc Gagnon, Canadian men's short-track speed skater in an obvious slam at Team USA hockey's lifestyle here.

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Worst quote:

"Dedicate that to your dead father,"

No one admits to saying this to Canadian female hockey player Danielle Goyette, but just about everyone here claims to have heard that a member of Team USA said it. Goyette had dedicated her Olympics to her father, who passed away just before the Olympics began.

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Trivia Notes, 1998 Olympics:

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Best in your face performance:

French figure skater Surya Bonaly, a former gymnast competing in her last Olympics, did an illegal back flip near the end of her long program in ladies figure skating. It was nothing less than a full body gesture to the judges, many of whom Bonaly felt had discriminated against her for years. It was also a spectacular trick.

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Worst excuse for not performing:

Canadian moguls skier Jean-Luc Brassard claimed the tension of carrying Canada's flag during opening ceremonies threw off his skiing. A former gold medal winner, he finished out of the medal round.

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Gold, silver and bronze crow eaters:

A Canadian sweep. Canadian freestyle skier Veronica Brenner landed badly on her first jump in women's aerials and finished ninth while China's Xu Nannan won a silver medal. Earlier in the Games, Brenner had referred to the Chinese team as "crash test dummies" who were no threat to her medal chances

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Canadian curlers came here claiming that the 50th-ranked Canadian curling team could beat any European team. They then went out and lost the gold medal to Switzerland by a whopping 9-3 score. In the wake of the defeat Canadian skip Mike Harris said "No, it's still true. There are 40 teams in Canada that could be considered gold medal favorites." At least the count was reduced by 10

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The Canadian men's hockey team, virtually all of whom had said there is no medal except gold for Canada. At least they got it half right.

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Worst performance by a name athlete:

Alberto Tomba, the talented and bombastic slalom skier, came here hoping to medal in a fourth straight Olympics. He fell 18 seconds into his first run and watched the rest of the Olympics from his hotel room.

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source:geocities.com

SOCCER QUOTES
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WHO ASKED YOU?
(non-soccer types thinking they know about soccer)
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'What I don't understand is how a Frenchman can be playing for Manchester United. He's not even from England.'
- LORD DENNING QC (on the Cantona affair)
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'Spurs will play either Eintracht or Frankfurt.'
- ALISTAIR BURNETT
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'The rest of the team are very large...they dwarf above you.'
- FRED DINENAGE
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'London clubs are doing brilliantly at the moment - Arsenal are top of the Premiership, QPR are near the top of the first division, Watford top of the 2nd, Peterborough top of the third...'
- Caller to Radio 5 Live
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Caller to Radio 5 phone-in: There are too many foreign players in the league.
Mark Lawrenson: Why do you think that is?
Caller: Because there are a lot of them.
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'There's no score, for those of you interested in football and can't get to a radio.' - JO WHILEY (live on Radio One)
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'Tony Banks described the English fans arrested in Marseille as brain-dead louts. This goes for me as well.'
- HARRIET HARMAN MP
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'I'm glad that European players can go into the Hall of Fame, because it would be unfair to miss them out just because they don't come from England.'
- JO GUEST
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'Dennis Wise is brilliant for Chelsea, even if he doesn't play'
- DANIEL HICKEY (News Of The World letter)
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'I like watching matches, but I'm not certain about the scoring system.'
- JUNE SARPONG
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'Do I support a London football team? I do. I support Manchester United.'
- CAPRICE
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'He's not fit to lace the coaching badge on his shirt.'
- Radio 5 Live caller
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Bryan Hamilton : 'I think in the end it will be down to Manchester United and Arsenal.'
Victoria Derbyshire: 'So you clearly haven't ruled out Liverpool then?'
===========================

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: forum.ottawagolf.com

GOLF QUOTES
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Famous (and not so famous) Quotes
Compiled By OttawaGolf
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The real trick of golf course architecture is to lure the golfer into a false sense of security. - Pete Dye
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Golf architects can't play golf themselves and make damn sure no one else can. - unknown
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Victory is everything. You can spend the money, but you can never spend the memories. - Ken Venturi
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Until you play it St Andrews it looks like the sort of real estate you couldn't give away. - Sam Snead
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The practice tee; a place for golfers to go to convert a nasty hook into a wicked slice. - Henry Beard
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Hundreds of years of experience has demonstrated that the game is temporary insanity, practiced in a cow pasture. - Dave Kindred.
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The game of golf is 90% mental, the other 10% is mental. - Mulligan's laws
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Golf is the favorite game of Scotland. It is played everywhere. It is too slow a game, however, for Canada. We would go to sleep over it. - John B. MacLean, 1891
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Golf is the hardest sport... One day you are on cloud nine, and the next you couldn't scratch a whale's belly. - Sam Sneed
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Golf is game where guts, stick-to-itiveness and blind devotion will always net you absolutely nothing but an ulcer. - Tommy Bolt
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Golf is a non-violent game played violently from within. - Bob Toski
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I'm in the woods so much I can tell you which plants are edible. - Lee Trevino
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The golf swing is like sex. You can't be thinking about the mechanics of the act while you are performing. - Dave Hill
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The only shots you can be dead sure of are those you've had already. - Byron Nelson
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The fun you get from golf is in direct ratio to the effort you don't put into it. - Bob Allen
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The greatest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for merely exercise. - Tommy Bolt
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If you want to beat someone out on the golf course, just get him mad. - Dave Willaims
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Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money. - Lee Trevino
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Let's see, I think I right now I'm third in the money-winning and first in money-spending. -Tony Lema
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Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the easiest to cheat at. - Dave Hill
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If I had my way, any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States. - H.L. Mencken
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: thegolfchannel.com

Image: worldgolf.com
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GOLF QUOTES
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Quotes of the Week - 08/11/2008
By GolfChannel.com
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"This course is diabolical. It's like trying to play Scrabble without the vowels."
– Paul Goydos, with his clever take on 'The Monster,' Oakland Hills.
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"Make that your last laugh.”
– Colin Montgomerie, responding to a reporter who had laughed at one of his responses during a press conference following his second-round 84 at the PGA, his highest-ever score in a major.
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"Next question."
– Sergio Garcia, responding to a question in the media center Sunday evening, if he thought with nine holes to play he was on his way to his first major victory.
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"I think I was willing them into the hole at that stage."
– Padraig Harrington, referring to his clutch putts on 16, 17 and 18 that wrapped up his third major title.
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“This one is more frustrating because I’m the two-time defending champion."
– Tiger Woods, on his disappointment of being on the sideline for the year's final major.
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"The only noise I heard was somebody getting hit by a golf ball. And they were grunts. No birdie cheers."
– Steve Flesch, describing the lack of noise because of the tough Oakland Hills course.
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"So I was warming it up and then I’d go practice, then re-warming it up and then going to practice again. And I was eating, and watching the Olympics, and talking and taking a nap – I just kind of covered all the bases."
– Tom Lehman, summing up what he did to bide his time during Saturday's marathon weather delay.
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: nydailynews.com

SPORTS HUMOR

Humor from the Beijing Summer Olympics, 2008

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Olympic Diary: You are enjoy these Games!

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BEIJING - Press conferences around here don’t produce usable quotes, but they are highly amusing. The Chinese moderators demand full control, giving long-winded welcome speeches to winning athletes while reporters on deadline squirm and check their watches.

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“You are enjoy these Games!” one moderator told the saber medalists. She needs to write out her speeches on Microsoft Word, so that the little green lines warn them about grammatical problems.

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Everything at these interview sessions must be translated into Chinese, even if there is no Chinese reporter within a kilometer of a place, like at the fencing venue. The moderators never point to a reporter for a question. Instead, they wave their hand horizontally, palm upward.

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They look like emperors up there on the dais. Emperors of the press sub-centers.

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In China, last names come first and first names come first. So some moderators get everything confused. Trying to be familiar and friendly after the U.S. men’s basketball game, one conference moderator announced, “Thank you, Bosh.”
Cracked up everyone.

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Here’s another odd thing: There are no public address systems. Instead, officials enter oversized press rooms and just start screaming: “Attention press!!! There is press conference at 11:45 for butterfly medalists!!!”

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One fellow came in with a bullhorn to invite journalists to a party. It sounded like a very scary party. I don’t think anybody went.

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: reuters.com

Image: comicsarchives.org
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OLYMPICS SPORTS QUOTES
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BEIJING (Reuters) - Michael Phelps became only the fifth person to win a record nine Olympic golds when he powered to victory in the 200 meters freestyle swimming on Tuesday.
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The previous four, whose mark may fall to Phelps on Wednesday, were:
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1. Paavo Nurmi (Finland)
The Flying Finn's tally is all the more striking because his wins came in endurance running, specializing in the 1,500 and 10,000 meter races -- and almost everything in between -- from 1920 to 1928. His gold haul might have been higher but his Olympic career was cut short after he was charged with being a professional.
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2. Larysa Latynina (Soviet Union/Ukraine)
The glamorous Ukrainian gymnast was strong in every discipline, taking gold in the All-Around event twice and leading the Soviets to victory in the team event three times. She netted six medals in each of her three Olympics -- 1956, 1960 and 1964 -- giving her the most medals of any athlete at 18. She went on to coach the Soviet gymnasts from 1967 to 1977.
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3. Mark Spitz (United States)
The U.S. swimmer had predicted before the 1968 Olympics that we would win six golds. He took only two but more than redeemed himself in 1972. Spitz claimed seven golds -- the most in one Olympics for any athlete and set world records with each. Against conventional swimming practice, he set that mark unshaven, wearing a bushy moustache.
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4. Carl Lewis (United States)
King Carl reigned over the long jump in four straight Games from 1984 to 1996 and also won the 100 meters race twice, taking the 1988 title after Canada's Ben Johnson was disqualified for doping. But drug allegations have tarnished his record. His own lawyer argued that Lewis took banned substances -- but only inadvertently in the form of over-the-counter herbal medicine.
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: afp.google.com

OLYMPICS SWIMMING QUOTES
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BEIJING (AFP) —
Amid his masterful performances at the Water Cube, Michael Phelps's days are a blur of massage and ice baths, sleeping and eating - lots of eating.
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"I have been eating a lot of pasta and pizza, a lot of carbs," said Phelps, who claimed his third gold medal in three days on Tuesday and his third world record.
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He is vying for an historic eight - which would surpass the 36-year-old record of US swimmer Mark Spitz of seven golds at one Games. To get there, Phelps must swim 17 times over the nine days of competition, and get enough rest and calories to keep the campaign alive.
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"I have been eating and sleeping as much as I can," said Phelps, who is sharing an apartment with five teammates in the Olympic Village.
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"I have woken up about 4:30 to 5am every morning, fallen back asleep for about an extra half-hour and then I have to get up.
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"It takes me a while to get up in the mornings, but it is the Olympics," added Phelps, whose prowess is the only reason the swimming schedule has been turned on its traditional head with finals in the morning and heats at night.
US broadcaster NBC lobbied for the switch the better to showcase Phelps in prime viewing time back home.
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FUINNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: quotations.about.com

OLYMPICS SPORTS QUOTES

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[ Includes Track and Field Sports ]

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Charles Barkley, American basket ball player quotes:

Curling is not a sport. I called my grandmother and told her she could win a gold medal because they have dusting in the Olympics now.

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Noureddine Morceli, Algerian athlete, 1996 Summer Olympics:

And then in life, you always have to try, and today, I may not have succeeded, but I am happy to have tried to beat my record.

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Eamonn Coghlan, Irish athlete, 3-time winner of Olympics:

Runners in the western world have a tendency to create psychological barriers for themselves, but Morceli runs at will, with no inhibitions.

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Jesse Owens, African-American athlete, 1936 Summer Olympics:

-- A lifetime of training for just ten seconds.

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Mia Hamm, American football player, 2004 Summer Olympics:

I am building a fire, and everyday I train, I add more fuel. At just the right moment, I light the match.

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Fanny Blankers-Koen, Dutch athlete, 1948 Summer Olympics:

All I've done is run fast. I don't see why people should make much fuss about that.

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Noureddine Morceli, Algerian athlete, 1996 Summer Olympics:

[on the 1992 Olympics in Barcelona] Barcelona is now in the past. I was sick and boxed in, and that's understandable why I lost.

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Cathy Freeman, Australian athlete, 2000 Summer Olympics:

I decided that I was going to go to the Olympics to see if I had made the right decision to retire because I knew that if I'd made the mistake of retiring I would know during and after those Games in Athens.

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Florence Griffith Joyner, American athlete, 1988 Summer Olympics:

When anyone tells me I can't do anything, I'm just not listening any more.

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Noureddine Morceli, Algerian athlete, 1996 Summer Olympics:

I run to be known as the greatest runner, the greatest of all time. I could not eat or sleep for a week after I lost in the [1992] Olympics. I have to win or die.

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Mark Spitz, American swimmer, 1972 Summer Olympics:

[On winning seven gold medals] I swam my brains out.

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Noureddine Morceli, Algerian athlete, 1996 Summer Olympics:

[on the 3000m world record] I think my 3:27 for 1500m is worth 7:21 for 3000m.

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Sebastian Coe, 2-time winner of Olympics:

[after losing the 800m final in 1980] To anyone who has started out on a long campaign believing that the gold medal was destined for him, the feeling when, all of a sudden, the medal has gone somewhere else is quite indescribable.

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