FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: alphamagazine.com

Image: farm1.static.flickr.com
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GOLF QUOTES

Posted Monday, June 27, 2005

HKTAt Thailand's Kantarat Golf Course:

Step onto the tee, take in the view on the first hole, and it soon becomes clear that this will be a round to remember. Off to the right is a sign laying down the club's idiosyncratic rules to visitors: no photo taking, no weapons. Then, wait a minute or so and watch as a Boeing 747 comes in to land, with a roar and a screech, on the runway next to the fairway.

Of course, such a distraction will wreak havoc with your game. But then, when it comes to playing Kantarat—located inside the grounds of Bangkok's Don Muang international airport—it's not really about the game.

Owned by the Royal Thai Air Force, the 18-hole course is sandwiched between the airport's two parallel runways. There's nothing fancy about the greens and fairways (or the price, at just $9 a round).

But the attraction of Kantarat—whose entrance is 1.5 kilometers from the international terminal—is the marvelous sensation of teeing off within a decent drive's distance of a landing 747 and not getting arrested for doing so. Or the thrill of having to walk across a busy taxiway to reach the back nine (remember: hold onto your hat—those Rolls-Royce jet engines blow quite a gale).

Afterward, you can retreat to the clubhouse for a cool shower, followed by an excellent Thai meal in the air-conditioned café. Sure, Kantarat is no St. Andrews, but as far as killing transit time goes, it's a hole-in-one.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: news.bbc.co.uk

SPORTS QUOTES

"I love you all - I've come to spread peace!''Sir Alex Ferguson comes over all Mahatma Gandhi in his last press conference before the Champions League final.

"Can I go?"Avram Grant's first question at his press conference. 'Yes', was the answer a week later.

"She's a nosey b****r, isn't she?!"Fergie cuts GMTV's Fiona Phillips down to size when she asks who was on the other end of his phone when it interrupted her vital questions about the Manchester United hotel.

"He's said to me half a dozen times, 'I played centre-half for the school you know'. I said: 'Yes, but not against Didier Drogba'."The United manager tries to curb Wayne Rooney's enthusiasm.

"It would be cool just to turn up and play Test cricket."Shane Warne strikes fear into the heart of Englishmen everywhere by hinting that he would prepare to make a comeback in next year's Ashes if required.

"I could murder a cup of tea."Doncaster boss Sean O'Driscoll looks forward to a drop of the hard stuff after seeing off Leeds in the play-off final.

"Thanks for giving me the best night of my life - but please don't tell my wife!"1999 Champions League hero Ole Gunnar Solskjaer reveals the sentence he hears most when meeting Manchester United fans.

"Kanu? He's about 47."Harry Redknapp when asked the age of FA Cup final winner Kanu, who claims to be 31.

"I might have to get my mum to bully him into starting me on Saturday."Bristol City midfielder Lee Johnson reveals his cunning plan to get dad Gary to pick him for the Championship play-off final. It didn't work.

You cannot be Serioux! "Welcome to the MLS, baby!"What FC Dallas star Adrian Serioux allegedly said to David Beckham after scything him down during LA Galaxy's 5-1 win.

"It's about the driver with the biggest balls who can get closest to the barriers."Lewis Hamilton reveals Viz character Buster Gonad (and his unfeasibly large testicles) would be an ideal candidate to win the Monaco Grand Prix.

"Referees in the Premier League as well as the Champions League come to see me before the matches to tell me 'today, we don't dive, eh?' I would love to reply 'I'm a footballer, not a swimmer', but I think they wouldn't listen."Didier Drogba before heading for an early bath in Moscow.

"I don't promise nothing, I don't promise nothing to my mum, I don't promise nothing to the supporters.''Ronaldo keeps everyone guessing about his future - but at least he can talk proper, innit?


AND SOME FROM YOU

"United are looking to make the Glazers double Glazers."Clive Tyldesley during the Champions League final, with the Manchester United owners looking to win the double. (Dan, England).

"Drogba is down for Chelsea and appears to be clutching his back. I'm going to go out on a limb here and predict he'll be fine in about two minutes."From ESPN Gamecast during the Champions League final. (John, USA).

Every cloud... "Well, well, well, some of you did get out of bed the wrong side this morning. Come on chaps, let's get things into perspective. When you find yourself getting a bit angry about tonight's match, take a deep breath and think to yourself: there but for the grace of God, I could be 73cm tall, live in Inner Mongolia and smoke 40 a day. Even worse, you could be Kerry Katona."A legendary quote from Ben Dirs on 606 in the build-up to the Champions League final. (Bhav Trivedi, UK).

"The curvaceousness was better than Dolly Parton!"Ray Hudson, GolTV commentator, on Wesley Sneijder's goal during the Real Madrid-Levante match. (Recliner Queens, USA).

"Josh Lewsey, with his first touch since the previous one."Miles Harrison commentating for Sky Sports on the Premiership semi-final between Wasps and Bath. (Piet, England).

"So Portsmouth have won the Cup, and I don't want to alarm you, but the last time that happened World War Two broke out."Gary Lineker on the Cup final. (Chris Plowman, Cornwall).

Setanta reporter: "So, Gordon, in what areas were Motherwell better than you today?Gordon Strachan: "Mainly that big green one out there." (Frank, England).

"I don't really understand why Jason Koumas has not got lots of caps for England. He has certainly got the ability so it's a mystery to me."'Expert' analyst Paddy Crerand on MUTV. Might be because he plays for Wales, Paddy!! (Glyn Llewellyn, England).

England's secret weapon "And here comes Stringfellow in to bowl... er Sidebottom rather."Henry Blofeld on TMS during England-New Zealand. (Matt Jackson, England).

"He's much like the abominable snowman. Much spoken of but never actually seen."Archie MacPherson on elusive Rangers player Thomas Buffel. (Philip Craig, Scotland).

Eamonn Holmes: "Why are they building a statue of Gandhi instead of you in Leicester?"Gary Lineker: "They didn't have enough bronze for my ears."(Andrew Jones, England).

"And the umpire is showing as much interest in that appeal as I do in the Spice Girls."IPL commentator Damien Fleming on the umpire rejecting an lbw appeal. (Rahul, India).

"When it becomes a two-horse race it's a different kettle of fish..."Bristol City manager Gary Johnson mixes his metaphors with the aplomb of a skilled cocktail barman in the run-up to the Championship play-off final. (Drew Savage, England).

"This could still definitely go either way."David Pleat during extra-time in the Champions League final. (Alun, Swansea).

"And they will be the pies at next years Scottish cup final."Queen of the South chairman David Rae pointing to some cows on his farm during a TV interview ahead of the Scottish Cup final. (Fraser, Glasgow).

Who's the Daddy? "He's a big unit - and if he's Junior Agogo, I certainly wouldn't like to meet Senior Agogo."Fox Sports commentator Simon Hill during the Australia v Ghana match. (Daniel Dunkinson, Australia).

"I overheard the Russian guys talking earlier and frankly I couldn't understand a word they were saying. And quite rightly so, because I don't speak Russian."Lewis Moody, co-commentating on the Twickenham Sevens for the BBC. (Steff Harries, Wales).

"Gordon Strachan is staying at Celtic after a third straight SPL triumph and will be handed £20 to spend in the summer. (Daily Mirror)."BBC Gossip Column. (Hassan Hussain, UK).


STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK

"We would like to remind everyone that Tynecastle is a no-smoking stadium. We would also like to remind you that there are no cameras in the toilets or behind the burger stalls."Hearts stadium announcer. (Christopher Skene, Scotland).

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: theroar.com

SPORTS QUOTES

“I learned so much from him (former NSW halfback Andrew Johns) in a week. It’s stuff I’ll take away with me for life.” - Brisbane Broncos NRL halfback and NSW rookie PETER WALLACE on his time with Johns in the Blues’ Origin camp ahead of game one.

“A wise man once said to me, ‘Don’t count your games; make your games count’.” - North Melbourne’s BRENT HARVEY ahead of his 250th AFL match.

“If Stuey MacGill fell over and broke his leg, and there were no other spinners around, and Ricky came out and said, ‘Mate, can you please help us out for this one-off tour? We need you’, that is something I would weigh up.” - Retired great SHANE WARNE leaves the door open for a dramatic return to Test cricket.

“I’ve been in cricket long enough not to be surprised by any headline that Warnie grabs.” - Cricket Australia chief JAMES SUTHERLAND reacting to the news.

“We are going to get drunk. We deserve this. It is great for our country.” - Russian forward ALEXANDER OVECHKIN after his side came from behind to down home team and favourites Canada in the final of the World Ice Hockey Championship.

“I don’t want to break things, but when I see dishes and stuff I just have to smash them.” - Russian WAKANOHO became the latest sumo wrestler to be given a ticking-off for throwing a tantrum when he smashed a shelf in the fighters’ communal bathroom after losing a bout.

“A couple of people said to me if I saw it or remembered it you wouldn’t get on a horse again.” - Jockey LUKE NOLEN has no recollection of being trampled by his horse at Doomben on Saturday.

“When I first came to United I had to prove my ability. Now everyone knows I’m not just here to sell shirts!” - Manchester United’s South Korean midfielder PARK JI-SUNG ahead of the Champions League final against Chelsea.

“I prefer to spend my time talking about things that have some bearing to reality.” - Real Madrid coach BERND SCHUSTER scotching speculation he is preparing to bring Man United winger CRISTIANO RONALDO to the Spanish capital city.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: fortheloveofsports.com

Top 10 Athletes Gone Hollywood

There are certain things that just go together.

Ham and cheese or peanut butter and jelly come to mind, as does an ESPN original movie and bad acting.

In keeping with that train of thought, it’s generally fair to say that athletes and acting cameos also fall into that category. Think Dan Marino in Ace Ventura or Terrell Owens in a painfully bad sitcom called “Under One Roof,” and you’ll immediately understand what I’m talking about.

There’s also the creative attempt to turn athlete into broadcaster as a second career, which is really a hit-or-miss proposition that typically has us on the losing end.

Now, something that’s not as common is the transition from athlete to mediocre Hollywood star. More often than not, these wanna-be actors are prone to bit parts, such as Lawrence Taylor in “Any Given Sunday” or “Shaft” or “The Waterboy.”

However, this isn’t to say some athletes haven’t successfully made the career switch.

TOP 10 ATHLETES GONE HOLLYWOOD

10. Reggie Theus
Does anyone remember what a great job Theus did as coach of the Deering Tornadoes? Come on, you remember the coed high school team out of Indiana, don’t you? If not, allow me to refresh your memory. Theus played the role of coach Bill Fuller on the teen sitcom “Hang Time,” from 1995-1998. After that, he led the New Mexico State Aggies back to the NCAA Tournament and is now head coach of the Sacramento Kings. Wow, talk about a strange climb up the coaching ladder.

9. Jim Brown
He’s one of the greatest players in NFL history, and while the spotlight tends to dim on most superstars after retirement, this hasn’t been the case for Mr. Brown. While not the main event of any movie or television show, Brown’s been a Hollywood mainstay since 1964, when he played Sgt. Franklyn in “Rio Conchos.” He’s often remembered for his role in the hit movie “the Dirty Dozen,” but rest assured, he’s been active on both the big and little screen since that time.

8. Bubba Smith
Although he’s been acting since 1978, there’s no doubt he’ll forever be remembered as Cadet Moses Hightower of “Police Academy” fame. Fans of the classic sitcom “Married with Children” might remember his one episode performance as Spare Tire Dixon, where he and Al shared photos of their mothers in law to determine which one was more gruesome. Smith’s stayed busy over the years, and we can only hope for a Hightower reprisal when “Police Academy” inevitably returns to the big screen.

7. O.J. Simpson
First off, let’s remember the topic and ignore anything else anyone believes to be factual when it comes to ‘The Juice.’ Now, most of us found his recurring role as Nordberg in “The Naked Gun” series to be pretty damn funny. Beyond that, Simpson did a lot of acting from the late ‘70s on through to the early ‘90s. His roles ranged from a badly acted Kadi Touray in “Roots” to the better portrayed T.D. Parker in “1st & Ten.”

6. Vincent ‘Vinnie’ Jones
Simply put, he’s a former captain of the Wales national football team and was a member of the ‘Crazy Gang’ that led Wimbledon to a FA Cup back in 1988. That said, he’s also “the Juggernaut bi**h.” Although he’s remembered as a tough ex-footballer across the pond, Americans typically see him as Big Chris from “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels,” or Bullet Tooth Tony from “Snatch.” And not to be left out was his memorable performance as coach Dinklage in the ‘tween comedy “She’s the Man.”

5. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Joey: “I think you’re the greatest, but my dad says you don’t work hard enough on defense. And he says that lots of times, you don’t even run down court. And that you don’t really try… except during the playoffs.”
Roger Murdock: “The hell I don’t! Listen kid, I’ve been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I’m out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes.”
It’s easily one of the most memorable exchanges from a film that’s full of classic quotes. As Roger Murdoch, Kareem was the perfect co-pilot and proved that his abilities weren’t totally exclusive to the hardwood. Before that role, he was quite impressive in “Game of Death,” where he actually went kick-for-kick with the man, the myth and the legend, Bruce Lee. Even though his Hollywood resume isn’t as extensive as other members of the list, it’s impossible to deny how classic both of these roles really were. Also not to be forgotten was his cameo in “Full House.”

4. Fred ‘The Hammer’ Williamson
As a star defensive back, Williamson was renowned for using his forearm to deliver blows to the heads of opposing wide receivers. His rise to fame as an actor started back in the ‘70s, when he starred in films ranging from “The Legend of Ni**er Charley,” “The Soul of Ni**er Charley,” “Hammer” and “Black Caesar.” If you don’t remember the ‘70s, looking up the term ‘blaxploitation’ might help in understanding the titles of set films. I’d be remiss to leave out the fact he’s continued acting in the decades after that film era, which says quite a bit for his longevity as an actor.

3. Bernie Casey
Similar to Williamson, Casey started acting during the ‘70s, with roles in films such as “Cleopatra Jones” and “Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde.” Since then, he’s made a name for himself on the large and small screen, with roles in popular shows such as “L.A. Law,” to memorable performances in cult classics such as “Revenge of the Nerds” and even “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.” I know those aren’t exactly Oscar or Emmy worthy titles, but it’s not too shabby for a former Pro Bowler, is it?

2. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson
I don’t want to hear anything about wrestling not being a sport. Those athletes go at it every single week, and unlike boxers or mixed martial arts competitors, there aren’t a few months of rest in between fights. And let us not forget that Johnson did play football at “The U!” With that out of the way, there’s not much explaining to do with this selection. Credit is owed to the man for not falling into the ‘macho actor’ trap, a la Jean-Claude Van Damme or Steven Seagal. I’m not saying he’ll be winning an Oscar or anything anytime soon, but he’s come a long way from his days as Mathayus the Scorpion King, has he not?

1. Arnold Schwarzenegger
Wait, what? I understand that younger readers might only know him as the actor that became a governor, which is fine. However, long before any of that took place, he was a kid that went AWOL during basic training with the Austrian army to pursue a dream of becoming Mr. Universe. He eventually traveled to America, became Mr. Olympia in 1970 with the help of ‘Superstar’ Billy Graham and also came to be known as the “World’s Strongest Man’ during this time. After that, he started acting and hit it big with a little role you may have heard of: “Conan the Barbarian.” The rest, as they say, is history. Or if you prefer, is something that could only happen in America.

HONORABLE MENTION

Bob Golic: He doesn’t have an extensive Hollywood resume like the rest of the list, but his role as Michael Rogers in “Saved by the Bell: The College Years” wasn’t all that bad and is good enough to get a little shout out.

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq Fu is mentioned whenever this topic comes about, and that’s pretty much the only reason I’ve bothered to bring him up. Aside from “Blue Chips,” there’s nothing else in his film repertoire that merits mentioning in any list except for those that should never have seen the light of day, such as “Kazaam” or “Steel.”

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: findarticles.com

SPORTS PROFILE: JOE DON LOONEY

I remember just one football carry for my hometown Baltimore Colts by its newly-acquired and highly-touted running back, Joe Don Looney - 58 yards, touchdown!

Never heard from him again in Baltimore and just barely heard anymore from him before or since that TD run!

Here was an Oklahoma Sooner who made headlines on the gridiron, then nothing!

What happened to a star football player who finally became a recluse long after his football career ended and who left all who had marveled at his football skills befuddled and puzzled?

When asked by Lions head coach Harry Gilmer to take a play into the huddle, this #1 draft choice by the New York football Giants, then with the Lions responded, "If you need a messenger, call Western Union!"

Baltimore's Shula asked Looney to finish his burger in the hallway after Joe Don tried to finish eating his burger during a team meeting because "he was hungry!"

Bud Wilkinson, the renowned Sooner head coach, tried and failed to understand and motivate this truly gifted football marvel, as did the 5 NFL coaches who also saw Joe Don's marvelous ability.

Exactly who was the player called by a Sporting News reporter "the greatest football who never was."

I started to read the biography, 3rd Down & Forever, mainly for the NFL segments, then I finished learning more about his life from the mini-biography from the Sporting News, which you can also view by clicking here ----> JOE DON LOONEY

J. Brent Clark's full biography of Joe Don Looney, 3rd Down& Forever (ISBN 0-312-07870-6), St. Martin's Press, 1991, adds flesh to the bones and reveals even more about the man.

Luckiest Man about Lou Gehrig is the saddest sports biographyI've ever read. Clark's biography on Looney is second as the sadness mounts continually to its final conclusion off of a lonely Texas highway - Looney's cynical sense of humor throughout makes all very bearable in the end.

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