FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: stevetheump.com

 

  MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL, 2008  -  OPENING DAY REMEMBRANCES

Baseball Cards
Click on thumbnails for full view

All cards are Topps.  I have chosen cards from various years to show the different styles.

 

 

Umpire cards are from a 1988 64 card limited edition set by T&M Sports. Signatures are authentic.

1987 All Star Umpires

1987 World Series Umpires

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Create a Home Theater Like the Pros. Watch the video on AOL Home.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: tennis-x.com

The Tennis Player's Prayer

 

Please don't let me be so nervous
When I toss the ball for service.

 

Give me speed and strength unhaulting,
Aces and no double-faulting.

 

Instill in me the skill and dash
Of Agassiie, Williams, Roddick and Ashe.

 

When a high lob starts to fall,
Must I always miss the ball?

 

Lord, I know you could, I'm sure,
Find me a Tennis Elbow cure.

 

With the guidance from above,
Never let me fall in 'love.'

 

And, Lord, while on matters of this sort
Please let me find an open court!!

 

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES: \ Source: stopvitale.collegehoops.com

Rick Majerus Is Comfortable With His Body, Others Are Not

 It was Rick Majerus that caught the eye of SI, in a long piece from SL Price. And let's just say the Billikens recent struggles were not of interest to Price.

Instead it was Majerus' bizarre personality, which includes both admirable tales of generosity and consideration for his players, and well, things that could be considered the exact opposite. I've always liked Majerus as an analyst; he knows the game incredibly well and is a fun, positive guy, but some of his strange comments (and the Ashley Judd-porn remark) kinda make more sense after reading this piece. As Price says, he's a passionate guy who doesn't always choose the best ways to express it.

Anyway, here's some highlights taken directly from the article, after the jump (Warning: Do not read during breakfast, around small children or if pregnant).


- Regularly called his players a vile word for the female sexual organ" (rhymes with bunt)

- During the 2001-02 season Majerus reportedly called Lance Allred, a backup center who was 75% deaf, "a disgrace to cripples" who had "weaseled [his] way through life using [his poor] hearing as an excuse." In response, Majerus said, "I honest to God don't remember. I'm not even going to address it." Two players confirmed the report to Price.

- During a game in 1999 Majerus gathered his team around him during a timeout and zeroed in on struggling center Nate Althoff. "You've got none of these," Majerus growled, and then reached over and lightly backhanded Althoff's groin. "You've got no nuts!"

- Majerus to some St. Louis boosters in October: "You always coach based on your personnel," Majerus begins, but he veers off again. "You know, at Utah I had five, six, seven teams [with hardly] a brother on them. It's hard to live without brothers. But if I took a black kid at Utah.... It's very difficult...."

Read with caution...
- Jeff Johnsen: "The first time, [Utah was] recruiting me, and after the game I went down to the [Utes'] locker room," says Jeff Johnsen, who signed with Utah in 1996. "His hair's everywhere and his sweater's off and he's just drenched, and he's eating a whole pizza in front of me and he's like, 'You want any?' I grab a piece, and then he starts undressing and gets in the shower and is still talking to me. It was funny. It was weird. How many grown, fat, naked men do you see when you're a high school kid?"

- "He'd answer the door in his towel and I'd come in and the towel would fall off and it was like nothing had happened. He'd just be standing there buck naked. One year he had this lower-back injury, and he would have the trainer massage it with ultrasound. But instead of just lowering his pants a little bit, Majerus would pull his pants down to his ankles and sit in a chair and coach us. Sometimes he'd be like, 'Guys, bring it in, take a knee.' We'd come in, and we're just like, No way this is happening."

- Once during the 1995-96 season Majerus got so desperate -- to make a point, to lighten the mood -- that he flashed his team. It was during a morning shootaround. Majerus kept telling Doleac that he needed to keep six inches between himself and his opponent in the post. When Doleac was caught shortly after leaning on his man, the coach erupted. " 'Jesus f------ Christ, Doleac! When a guy catches the ball in the post, you gap him six inches!' " Doleac recalls Majerus yelling. "Then he turns to the guys sitting on the baseline and says, 'Six f------ inches,' and he says, 'the size of the average white d---!' and pulls it out. That story spread like wildfire, but at the time it's not funny. At the time you're terrified."

- Doleac describes the huddle during a Sweet 16 struggle with Stanford in the 1997 NCAA tournament in which Majerus grabbed Mottola's testicles and said, "Have some f------ balls, Hanno!"

- Majerus says that all players, particularly disgruntled ones like McTavish, embellish their war stories.

And, now I know what Tommy Liddell's dad was talking about.
- Today it's easy to identify his prime target. "He's been hell for me," says Billikens junior guard Tommie Liddell III. "But I look at it as a positive thing." Sleepy-eyed and talented, with a meddlesome father and tardiness issues to boot, Liddell is almost custom-made to drive Majerus mad. Three times the coach lights into Liddell for middling effort. When Majerus sees who's just blown past his prodigy to score an easy layup, it's too perfect. Today's winner? Mike the Walk-On. Majerus says these words once, twice, and suddenly he's addicted to them; Mike the Walk-On becomes an honorific, like Peter the Great, for sophomore guard Mike Jones. Dribble, shuffle -- stop! "Mike the Walk-On would give his right nut to have your ability," Majerus tells Liddell. Dribble, shuffle -- stop! "How does a 5' 9" walk-on knock you out of the play?"

***

Now, these are all, admittedly, taken a bit out of context. Some of the incidents were relayed by former players who loved Majerus, but the anecdotes were a way to illustrate his peculiar personality. There are plenty of stories about how good of a man Majerus is too, like consoling Van Horn after his father died, taking in an abandoned baby left on his doorstep in Utah, crying when he talks about Andre Miller's graduation. Read the whole story because there's more to Majerus than these brash acts. He's a divisive guy, love him, hate him or both.

 

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funny sports quotes \ Spurce: sportsillustrated.cnn.com

They Said It in 2004

What was that you said about my daddy? Al Bello/Getty

Make sure you buy your father a pair of sneakers so he can run to the ring and pick up the pieces after I'm finished.
-- Boxer Ricardo Mayorga to his opponent Felix Trinidad at a news conference to promote their Oct. 2 fight

 

I had something really, really super sexy, but they wouldn't let me wear it.
-- Serena Williams on the Wimbledon fashion police

 

That's the problem with him. Nobody has ever really grabbed him and given him a good beating.
-- NASCAR car owner Ray Evernham on rival driver Tony Stewart after Stewart spun out Evernham's driver Kasey Kahne in the Tropicana 400

 

I threw the kitchen sink at him, but he went to the bathroom and got a tub.
-- Andy Roddick on Roger Federer after Federer beat Roddick in four sets in the Wimbledon final

 

If a coach takes his team to the Finals four of the next five years, I'll kiss his feet on Fear Factor -- with cheese on it.
-- Shaquille O'Neal, questioning the Lakers' decision to let coach Phil Jackson go

 

Stay healthy, park in the right place, and if any teacher even mentions an exam, take it.
-- The offseason advice given by Florida State coach Bobby Bowden to controversy-plagued quarterback Chris Rix

 

If Al Michaels wants to give his political opinions, tell him to come on Crossfire.
-- Democratic strategist James Carville, reacting to Michaels' "flip-flop" joke during the Sept. 9 Patriots-Colts broadcast

 

I missed him like I missed my dog that ran away after eight years.
-- 49ers RB Kevan Barlow on playing without teammate Fred Beasley, a Pro Bowl fullback

 

The guy has a haircut like Davy Jones, and he has a New York accent. I mean, please.
-- Pete Rose on how Tom Sizemore portrayed him in the ESPN movie, Hu$tle

Now kids, don't forget to floss. AP

I'm like toilet paper, toothpaste and certain amenities -- I'm proven to be good.

-- Shaquille O'Neal, when asked about his continued effectiveness at age 32

What can I say? I just tip my hat and call the Yankees my daddy.
-- Red Sox pitcher Pedro Martinez after blowing an eighth-inning lead in a loss to New York

 

Do you want to go work with some little young kid who's just out of college?
-- Steelers guard Alan Faneca on rookie QB Ben Roethlisberger's first start

 

Shave your legs, take estrogen and work your way up through the Futures Tour.
-- LPGA pro Cristie Kerr on one way a man could arrange a round of golf with her

 

I wouldn't see him ordering a beer anytime soon. He's over there with the champagne and caviar and the strawberries and chocolate.
-- Fox broadcaster (and ex-NFLer) Tony Siragusa on Lions QB Joey Harrington

 

I just picked up my wheelchair and pushed myself to the end zone.
-- Arizona's 35-year-old Emmitt Smith on his TD run in the Cardinals' 34-10 win over the Saints

 

I'm not sure I can think of any scenario more enjoyable than making 55,000 people from New York shut up.
-- Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling, fanning the flames in the playoff series against the Yankees

 

I hope the guy sells two million books because I'll probably buy 100,000 copies and pass them out for free.
-- Shaquille O'Neal on ex-Lakers coach Phil Jackson's new book, which is critical of Kobe Bryant.

 

The people who do those stats, half the time they're spilling ketchup on themselves and trying to wipe it off.
-- Dolphins DE Jason Taylor, disagreeing with the stats that showed him with no tackles last week

 

I got your bad boy right here, pal. AP

I liked Rodman on the court, as a hustler. Not when he kicked the cameraman.
-- Indiana's Ron Artest, explaining why he'll wear No. 91 this season in honor of Dennis Rodman

 

We got Babe Ruth's ghost a hooker and now everything's cool.
-- Curt Schilling, reading off the No. 1 secret of the Red Sox comeback on David Letterman's Top 10 list.

 

At breakfast this morning I told the guys, "When I get into the end zone stand back and let me dance first."
-- Deion Sanders, who high-stepped 30 yards into the end zone celebrating his first interception return for a touchdown with the Ravens

 

Is he talking about the infield? -- Red Sox pitcher Derek Lowe, when told that hitting coach Ron Jackson said Lowe had power to all fields

 

I'm not sure what we're going to talk about now.
-- Red Sox fan Bill Ryan, after the team ended its 86-year World Series curse

 

It's like my kids have been kidnapped.
-- Bruins season-ticket holder Paula Mattaliano on the NHL lockout

 

I'll never give you the secret ingredient to the cookies that are making me a millionaire.
-- Browns WR Antonio Bryant when asked to pinpoint the "soft spots" he says can be found in the Steelers' secondary

 

You could say that it was pretty close to pornographic.
-- Bears coach Lovie Smith on ABC's racy Desperate Housewives lead-in skit on Monday Night Football.

 

We have a couple of guys who we literally picked up off the street.
-- Indiana coach Rick Carlisle on his suspension- and injury-riddled Pacers, who put only eight players in uniform after the infamous brawl with Pistons fans

 

It boggles my mind how Gary has kept his job.
-- Phoenix Coyotes player rep Shane Doan on NHL commissioner Gary Bettman

This is a Hollywood soap opera, and I'm not going to be a star in another Bryant soap opera.
-- Former Lakers forward Karl Malone, on accusations by Kobe Bryant that Malone hit on Bryant's wife, Vanessa

 

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