FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: community.foxsports.com

AMERICAN FOOTBALL HUMOR \ LINGO \ JARGON

Football terms explained for dummies

Hey...it's four months (ok, if 120 days sounds closer, use that instead of months) until the first football game.

Four months until we get a glimpse of Steve Spurrier throwing his visor to the turf.

Four months until we see if Joe Pa can take on a defensive tackle this year while standing on the sidelines.

Four months until we see Lee Corso tapping his Ticonderoga pencil on this GameDay desk. And yes, four months until we see another installment of Lou Holtz' locker room speech.

Are you getting crazy yet? Are you tired of baseball yet? Are you dreading the end of NBA basketball not because it's over, but because there's nothing else to watch?

Starting next week, we, the community of FOXSports.com, will be selecting our very own All-American preseason team. I'm going to post ten players for each position, with the tenth spot a write-in if you feel there's someone I missed, which I am sure there will be. You, the bloggers, get to make your choices, and the one with the most votes, gets the spot on the team. The best part is this; it will keep football fans focused all the way up to the start of football season. Are you ready?

In the meantime, it's Spring, and we may be a bit rusty on our knowledge of football terms. The following football terms will be explained in case you forgot them during your Winter hibernation.

OG: Offensive guard. The lineman nobody notices unless he is called for off-sides or holding. Then all eyes are on him.

OT: Offensive tackle. The guy responsible for a quarterback's blind spot, and most likely, the player with the most tribal tats on his arms.

C: Center. The smartest guy on the field, and the heart of any offense. He's also the guy who will move the ball a couple of inches closer to him as soon as the ball is put in play for reasons unknown. See- moral victory.

TE: Tight end. A player who can both block and catch and runs north-to-south with linebackers hanging on to him for dear life. Can crush cornerbacks with his bare hands. The guy too big and slow to make the WR position, and too good of hands to be in the LB position.

WR: Wide receiver. A deer. Usually has 10 karat diamond studs in his ears. Showoff. And future Diva.

QB: Quarterback. The guy who loves to play football, but if he gets touched after he throws the ball, will immediately demand a flag be thrown because he got his jersey wrinkled. The player who gets laid the most.

RB: Running back. The guy who runs with the ball and fumbles it in the endzone after going over the top of the line while performing a somersault. Usually has 5 karat diamond studs in his ears. Is the guy who is second to the QB in terms of getting laid.

NG/NT: Nose guard/nose tackle. The guy who either lines up opposite the center, or guard, depending on which guy scares him more. The guy with the most bars on his facemask, thus ensuring a great grip for any offensive lineman holding him. Has an identity crisis because NG and NT are the same thing.

DT: Defensive tackle. The player who lets fast running backs run by him.

DG: Defensive guard: Who?

LB: Linebacker. Has cute names like MIKE or WILL and is responsible for covering the linemen's misses on running backs, sacking the quarterback, and getting into the most fights. Future serial killer.

CB: Cornerback. Fastest guy on the team, but usually gets pushed around on the line from WR's who are a foot taller than him. The best trash-talking occurs between the CB and the WR.

FS: Free safety. He can roam around and do whatever he wants. Is usually the guy who has to cover a WR who pushed a midget CB to the ground. The guy everybody notices when the offense scores on a bomb.

SS: Strong safety. Covers the strong side (where the TE lines up) and is also a free spirit.

Everybody wants to be a safety, because football fans always ask, "where was the safety?"

DE: Defensive end. Pass rusher, and the guy who covers the DT's #### when he overcommits.

K: Kicker. Head case. Is most likely a soccer player from Iceland because he gets frozen a lot.

P: Punter. The guy with one bar on his mask. Wimp.

Blitz: What weak offensive lines allow. Another word for meet and greet the quarterback. See- Notre Dame, UCLA or any team that has "QB injuries/issues."

Coverage sack: When the quarterback gets sacked because he spent too much time scanning the field and having his nails done while looking for a receiver to throw to. A nice way to say, " You should have thrown the damn ball away."

Excessive celebration: A 15 yard penalty for being happy your team scored. A penalty that never has had any impact on the ensuing kick-off.

Trick play: What teams do when their OC just came from a high school staff position and knows his team isn't smart or strong enough to win a game by wearing down the opponent. See- WAC teams or Fiesta Bowls.

Deep thigh bruise: a fancy word to excuse a wimpy player's injury.

Overcommit: a nice explanation for a linebacker who got faked out by a running back. Another way to explain " He guessed wrong on where the running back will hit the hole."
Home field advantage: the term used by losers to explain why their team lost. See- teams that play against the SEC.

Momentum: aka Mr. Mo. What losing teams hope for when getting smacked around. A term used by sports announcers to give the losing team's TV viewers reason to keep watching the game.

Cold weather teams: A fan's lament on why other teams have an advantage when playing in sunny Florida or California. The last excuse used when another Bowl game is lost. See- Ohio State, Michigan or any team playing north of the Mason-Dixon line.

Game clock: that ticking thing in front of the quarterback which tells him how many seconds are left before he gets a penalty for delay of game. The thing that gets ignored.

Clock management: A nice way to describe a coach who can't add or subtract. A term only used when a coach wastes his time-outs, or doesn't call them when it's obvious to everyone else that it should be called. See- Les Miles or Karl Dorrell.

Two-point conversion: A play that fails 50% of the time. If it works, it's brilliant, if it fails, the coach is an ####. Another way to compensate for a ####y placekicker.

Squib: a kick that rolls on the ground and ensures the opposing team will get great field position. Used to avoid a return on the kick, but usually the squib kick gives up more yards than a regular kick-off.

On-sides kick: The most exciting play in football. Causes fans to bite nails, pull hair and generally go into cardiac arrest while the ball is batted around in the air. A game changer. See- Oregon Ducks v Oklahoma Sooners.

Stunting: a fancy word for a defensive lineman's movement away from the guy he has to block. A word to make the lineman look agile.

Cheating: when the S or LB doesn't stay in his normal position and instead joins the party in the "box" or near the line of scrimmage. A way to trick the quarterback. A way to sack the quarterback. A way to play mind games with the quarterback. Twisted fun for the D.

Box: the area which is the second line of defense. Where the bad guys are. See- Penn Sate, USC, OSU.

Jailbreak: a screen play which lets the entire pocket collapse (while the O-line runs upfield)so the quarterback looks like he will get sacked while attempting to throw upfield, but instead, dumps a pass off to his WR (who is behind the linemen) for massive amounts of yards. A play where the quarterback usually gets decked immediately after he completes the throw, but ensures a sympathy lay that night.

Special teams: More often than not, they don't look very special. They fumble kick-off returns, miss PATs and have their punts blocked. In short, they are players who don't get enough playing time so they are put on a "special team" to make themselves feel better. (Va. Tech being the exception) The guys with the clean jerseys.

The trenches: That small area between both offensive and defensive lines. The two-foot area that is the tug-o-war pit. Where football games are won. And lost. See- Hawaii.

Press conference: The place where coaches tell reporters to ^%$%^ off. The place where the best quotes and biggest gaffes are made, and idiots are exposed. See- Dennis Green, Mike Gundy, Isiah Thomas, T.O. and Ocho Cinco.

Miked up: a fun new way to listen to players while they are on the field. A recording that is 90% bleeped due to profane language or unintelligible words.

Helmet stickers: The only way for Lou Hotlz to give Notre Dame props on College Game Day. The only way for Kirk Herbstreit to express his man-crush on Ohio State and the SEC. The only way we know College Game Day is finally over for the day.

CBS: The lucky dogs who got rights for the AFC games on Sunday.

FOX: The unlucky dogs who got rights to the NFC games on Sunday.

Blast: The most boring play in football. A play designed so that the RB follows the FB usually between the 1 and 3 holes for some positive yardage. A play that lasts .2 seconds. A play that nobody is fooled by. A play usually called by coaches over the age of 65 years old. A play that usually nets 1 yard and several torn ACL's. See- Woody, Bo, John Mackay, Tom Osborne or Joe Pa.

Reverses: A trick play that usually results in loss of yardage and makes the OC look stupid.

Agent: The reason why we play $8 for a beer, $5 for a coke, and $50+ for a ticket in the end zone. See- Drew Rosenhaus, Leigh Steinberg, Scott Boras or alternative terms: shark, leech, blood####ing parasite.

Boosters: a cash cow for players and recruits. Also see- co-signers on loans, busybodies or persons of interest during an NCAA investigation.

Saban clause: Another word for "loophole" when trying to recruit out of Tuscaloosa.

Loophole: a way to get around something that you know is illegal, but haven't been busted for because the NCAA is a dinosaur. Why coaches get paid a ton. See- Saban, Meyer, Carroll.

Guts: Another word for balls. What some coaches have, and others don't. See- Les Miles, Chris Petersen, Pete Carroll, Urban Meyer, Nick Saban and Pat Hill.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: theroar.com

Sports quotes of the week

“Some people like the Sex Pistols and some people like Beethoven, you just have your tastes.” - Former Wallabies captain ANDREW SLACK on whether rugby is the best football code.

“We do not muzzle dissent just because it might embarrass us or embarrass our friends. We hope our friendship can bear a little plain speaking.” - ACT Chief Minister JON STANHOPE on the right of people to protest China’s treatment of Tibet at the Olympic torch relay’s Australian leg in Canberra.

“Lots of taunting, like at a friendly football game.” - Australian Olympic Committee spokesman MIKE TANCRED describes the interaction between pro-China and pro-Tibet demonstrators that turned out for the Australian leg of the torch relay in Canberra.

“Where is the media manager? Who is the media manager? This is great doing an interview on a highway.” - Manly coach DES HASLER takes a shot at the club’s media manager who was nowhere to be found as the softly-spoken coach had to talk to the press over the top of passing trucks from a suburban car park.

“[I] didn’t work hard to be beaten by equipment.” - French swimmer FABIEN GILOT says he plans to switch from sponsor Arena to Speedo in order to enjoy their LZR Racer swimsuit.

“It’s a long time coming. Finally.” - American driver DANICA PATRICK after winning the Indy Japan 300 to become the first female winner in IndyCar history.

“I promised him if he won on this horse there will be man-love.” - Owner of Golden Slipper champion Sebring JAMES HAZZISEVASTOS on kissing winning jockey Glen Boss on the lips post-race.

“There’s free Bluetongue all over the Central Coast and Newcastle this afternoon.” - Ad man and owner JOHN SINGLETON shouted patrons in 19 bars to free Bluetongue beer after his horse Tuesday Joy won the $2.2m BMW at Rosehill.

“I have said it every time, I’ll come back bigger and stronger. But I’m not going to say anything this time, I’ll just try to get through this game, and if I get through it I’ll be happy.” - Injury-plagued Wests Tigers five-eighth BENJI MARSHALL anticipates this weekend’s clash against Cronulla, his first game since twinging his knee in round one.

“I’ve probably bowled the worst last over in Twenty20 history. Twenty20 is good for the game but not for the ego.” - Cricketer ANDREW SYMONDS after being belted for 17 off the final over to see his Indian Premier League team, the Deecan Chargers, lose their third straight game in the tournament.

“But you know, if someone else had a cut on their head I probably would have done it to any other player at the same time.” - Cronulla captain PAUL GALLEN says he doesn’t discriminate following his three week suspension for deliberately raking Anthony Laffranchi’s head wound in the Sharks’ loss to the Gold Coast in round three.

“When somebody told me, I was sitting there, nearly having a laugh, because they said he was the fastest in Newcastle over 40 metres - he’s now the fastest in Newcastle and Roosters.” - Sydney Roosters coach BRAD FITTLER after Newcastle’s 110kg front-rower Danny Wicks put the boot in to an already defeated side, running 60 meters to score in the dying moments of the round six heritage clash.

“I’m a Catholic. But I’m also a horse trainer.” - Sydney trainer ANTHONY CUMMINGS on his fight to prevent Catholic festival World Youth Day from taking place at Royal Randwick Racecourse in July.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: markgrace.com

BASEBALL QUOTES BY MARK GRACE

On giving up a homerun to rookie David Moss in his relief pitching appearance on September 2, 2002...
"I didn't have a scouting report on him. Obviously he can hit 65 mph fastballs."

On meeting the Yankees in the World Series, October 2001...
"I've never been to Yankee Stadium. I've never played the Yankees all these years. I've always been in the National League, and, believe it or not, the Cubs have never played the Yankees in the postseason."

On his rally-starting single in the 9th inning of World Series Game 7...
"I knew I had to get on base for anything to happen. I thought to myself, a concussion heals in 30 days, right?"

On the feeling of playing in and winning a World Series, October 2001...
"If you only understood how great this is for me. It was better than anything I could've imagined. It is better than sex. But then again, I'm kind of lousy at that."

On the accuracy of his bobblehead doll, given away at Bank One Ballbark on August 18, 2001...
"I'm a pretty ugly guy, and it's a pretty ugly doll, so I think they did of good job of capturing my likeness."

On Cubs teammate Kerry Wood and his 20 strikeout game, May 5, 1998...
"He was electric. He's too young and stupid to understand what he just did. He's just a baby. He's only 20, for crying out loud."

On the 1998 Cubs,and their run to the wild-card and pennant...
"This team makes your ulcers have a baby."

On Cubs teammate Shawn Dunston...
"I owe him a lot. Nobody would know how good I was at digging balls out of the dirt if it wasn't for him and all those bad throws."

On the definition of a "slumpbuster", after being pressed by host Jim Rose in a now-infamous 2003 interview on the television show "Rome is Burning" to clarify the baseball slang term...
"A slumpbuster is when you have to take one for the team. It's finding the biggest, nastiest, fattest broad, and you put the wood to her to come out of your slump. Also known as 'jumping on a grenade for the team'."

On living in the moment..
"The most important thing about playing baseball is to have fun. I'm about to start my 13th year, but I can remember my rookie season like it was yesterday. It goes fast, folks."