FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: surfersam.com

 

FOOTBALL QUOTES

 

 

Football Coaches Never Drop the Ball

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.

Vince Lombardi

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Merle:   I hear your husband is a linguist.
Verle:   Yes, he speaks three languages, golf, football and baseball.

The Baltimore Colts are a bright young team. It seems as if they have their future ahead of them.

Curt Gowdy

I'm the footbal coach around here and don't you remember it.

Florida State coach Bill Peterson

Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.

Will Rogers

Go big. That's a reference to doing a big jump and catching big air, but it applies to everyday life, too. I talk about the importance of going big in whatever you do. Don't do it halfway.

Kristen Ulmer, Extreme Sports Athlete

No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

More Football Jokes and Quotes

He had a God-given killer instinct.

Al Davis of the Oakland Raiders talking about George Blanda

"Over?! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?"

John Belushi as Bluto Blutarsky (Animal House)

The country is full of good coaches. What it takes to win is a bunch of interested players.

Don Coryell former coach of the San Diego Chargers

At the base of it was the urge, if you wanted to play football, to knock someone down. That was what the sport was all about, the will to win closely linked with contact.

George Plimpton

In doing your work in the great world, it is a safe plan to follow a rule I once heard on the football field: Don't flinch, don't fall; hit the line hard.

Theodore Roosevelt

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: surfersam.com

FOOTBALL FAN DEFINED

 

All football fans go a little crazy. So how can you tell a real fan?

You're a great football fan, if...

You said your wedding vows while watching a football game out of the corner of your eye.

You proposed at a tailgate party.

You asked your wife to have a Caesarian Section, because the baby was due on Super Bowl Sunday.

In preparation for a romantic evening you put on a football helmet.

You did the end zone hustle at your wedding reception.

You dated the team mascot in costume.

Your definition of "getting lucky" is finding a football ticket in your wife's jeans.

Your wife saw your marriage proposal on the stadium scoreboard.

You've ever worn face paint to Sunday church.

You met your wife when she was selling hotdogs at the stadium.

You keep a football playbook in the bathroom.

Your girlfriend used to date most of the players on the team.

Your season tickets cost more than your house.

You have a tattoo of your team logo.

You dream of having sex at half-time... in the stadium.

You have had sex at half-time... in the stadium.

Your children are named Ditka, Heisman and O.J.

Your wedding colors were the same as your team colors.

You've offered to post bail for a football player.

You're definition of "getting lucky" is a seat on the fifty-yard line.

Stadium Food Service catered your wedding.

In preparation for a romantic evening, you ask your wife to wear a cheerleader outfit.

You missed weekend visitation rights because of a football game.

You and your wife stay married for the sake of the bobblehead collection.

You do "the wave" when you're asleep in bed.

In the school yearbook, you're wearing the team uniform on picture day.

Your prenuptial agreement mentions season tickets.

You named your dog Touchdown.

You have three big screen TV's in the living room for Sunday's games.

You've worn the same shirt on Sundays for seven years.

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: topfive.com

 

 

The Top 14 Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quotes

14. "Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary -- the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians."

13. "I haven't seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun."

12. "The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop."

11. "I've seen women pee standing up with better aim."

10. "Somebody call Janet Reno -- I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!"

9. "That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche."

8. "I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet."

7. "Hey, Cunningham -- Andy Warhol called. You're at 14:55 and we're tickin' big-time here, Chachi."

6. "He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O'Donnell's house."

5. "Hey Deion, Bubbelah -- maybe you'd better pay a little less attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining 1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after you'd paid for life's little necessities like hookers and weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?"

4. "When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb."

3. "That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena."

2. "Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island."

   and the Number 1 Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quote...

1. "Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!"

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: emmitsburg.net

COLLEGE FOOTBALL HUMOR

University Entrance Exam: Football Player Version:

Foreign Language: What language is spoken in France?

History: Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

Literature: Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY

Religion: What religion is the Pope? (circle only one)
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic

Metric Conversion: How many feet equal 0.0 meters?

Physics: What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

Religion: How many commandments were Moses given? (approximately)

Geography: What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

American History: Spell Bush, Carter, and Clinton.

European History: Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

Natural Science: Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky

Advanced Physics: Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

Philosophy: What are coat hangers used for?

Political Science: The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

Physics: Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

Architecture: Where is the basement in a three-story building located?

Agricultural Science: Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin

Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

Communications: What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

IMPORTANT! You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: amshockey.com

Hockey Slang

 

Below are some slang terms referencing hockey that you might hear around the rink.

 

Barn:

Hockey arena.

Bisquit:

Hockey puck.

Bisquit in the Basket:

The puck hitting the back of the net on a goal.

Cherry Picking:

When a player, generally a forward, hangs out behind the play waiting for a outlet pass so that he can have a breakaway.

Chicklets:

Teeth.

Chippy:

Players are getting irritated with one another.

Coast to Coast:

When a player carries the puck from his own end into the offensive end.

Deke:

To fake an opponent out of position with a movement of the head or body.

Dump and Chase:

A style of hockey where a team shoots the puck into one of the corners of the offensive zone and then pursues it. This is opposed to carrying the puck into the zone.

Five Hole:

Placing a shot between the goalie's legs.

Freezing the Puck:

To hold the puck against the boards with either the stick or skate to get a stoppage of play.

Glove Hand:

The hand that the goalie catches the puck with, in contrast to his stick hand, which is the hand that the goalie holds his stick in.

Goon:

A player who has little other purpose on the ice then to try and get players to fight.

Grinder:

A type of player known for his checking ability and work ethic; often associated with a player who is strong defensively, but who doesn't score many points.

Hash Marks:

The straight lines emerging from the two big circles in front of both nets. These lines direct players where to line up for face-offs.

Lumber:

Hockey stick.

Mucker:

Similar to a grinder, but one who adds a more physical temperament to his game. This player tends to stir up trouble.

One Timer:

The act of shooting the puck directly off a pass. The offensive player takes his backswing while the puck is on its way to him and tries to time his swing with the arrival of the puck.

Rubber or Frozen Rubber:

Hockey puck.

Screened Shot:

Goaltender's view is blocked by players between he and the shooter.

Sin Bin:

Penalty box.

Top Shelf:

Placing a shot in the top quarter of the net.

Warm Up the Bus:

The outcome of the game has pretty much been decided and the visitor is going to lose. The crowd will ask them to "warm up the bus" for the trip home.

Wrap Around:

When a player skates around behind the opposing goal and attempts to wrap the puck around the goal post under the goalie.

 

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: thehockeysource.tv

You Know You're An Avid Hockey Fan If.......

• Your idea of serving breakfast is giving each of your kids a fork and dropping an Eggo in the middle of the table.
• You reprimand your children with "minors," "majors" and "misconducts."
• When you come to a traffic signal and the light turns green, you stop.
• When you come to a traffic signal and the light turns red, you get really excited and chant, "He shoots! He scores!"
• Instead of duct tape, you use hockey tape to fix everything.
• You call a trip to the Hockey Hall of Fame a "pilgrimage."
• You went into a bank because it advertised "Free Checking"....and walked out disappointed.

• You can pronounce anything in French, yet you have no idea what it means.
• Every time you hear a siren you wonder who scored.
• You're not allowed to play chess simply because the first time you played, you misunderstood the meaning of the word "Check."
• Everything in your wardrobe is your team's colors.
• Your closet is divided into 2 sections: HOME and AWAY
• You make biscuits in dimensions of 3" by 1."
• You burn the biscuits black.
• You play a game with one of the biscuits.
• You deck the guy who says, "Check, please."
• Your calendar only runs from October to June.
• You wonder how you will get through July, August, and September.
• When someone says, "two minutes" you respond, "What for!?!"

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