FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: time.com

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BEIJING OLYMPICS 2008 SPORTS PICTORIAL
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100 OLYMPIC ATHLETES TO WATCH, SUMMER OLYMPICS 2008
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[ Includes Track and Field Sports ]
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To view the slideshow, click here ===> TOP 100.
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: community.foxsports.com

GEORGE CARLIN

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SPORTS HUMOR
Humor by George Carlin
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"There are only three sports: baseball, basketball and football - everything else is either a game or activity."
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What about soccer?
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Anything where you can't use your arms can't be a sport."
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Running ?
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Running isn't a sport because anybody can do it. My mother can run."
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Hockey is three activities taking place at the same time; ice skating, fooling around with a puck and beating the (expletive) out of somebody.If these guys had more brains than teeth,they'd do these things one at a time."
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"Another reason why hockey isn't a sport is that it is not played with a ball .Anything not played with a ball can't be a sport.. The only other place you'll find a puck is in the urinal to control the smell in the bathroom."
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Swimming.?"
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Swimming is a way to keep from drowning"
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Boxing?
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Boxing is a way to beat the (expletive ) out of someone"
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Golf?
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"Golf is a game that might possibly be fun if it could be played alone.But its the vacuous, striving .male bonding joiners one has to associate with that makes it such a repulsive pastime."
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There are many more sports quotes that he rendered , but my favorite was his hunting shot....
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Hunting?
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"You think hunting is a sport? Ask the deer."
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: bartleby.com

OLYMPICS SPORTS QUOTES
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Quotes from the The Columbia World of Quotations. 1996.
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QUOTATION: Why me? Why, why, why?
ATTRIBUTION: Nancy Kerrigan (b. 1969), U.S. champion ice skater. U.S. Figure Skating Championships in Detroit, Michigan (January 6, 1994).
***After her leg was clubbed, shortly before the 1994 Winter Olympics.
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QUOTATION: I spend so many times for skating, and I gave up so many hobbies for this ... the Olympics are four years in time. And I am old.
ATTRIBUTION: Ye Qiaobo (b. 1965), Chinese ice skater. As quoted in Time magazine, p. 50 (February 24, 1992).
***The first Chinese athlete ever to win a Winter Olympics medal, Qiaobo had just won two silvers and, in tears, expressed her disappointment and frustration at not winning a gold. At the next Olympics, she would be thirty-one, perhaps too old to compete.
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QUOTATION: And now in one hour’s time I’ll be out there again. I’ll raise my eyes and look down that corridor four feet wide with ten lonely seconds to justify my whole existence.
ATTRIBUTION: Colin Welland (b. 1934), British screenwriter. Harold Abrahams (Ben Cross), Chariots of Fire, before running in the Olympics (1981).
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: liverpoolway.co.uk

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SOCCER QUOTES
Quotes from a soccer forum
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No love lost
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"I know Rob Styles. He will get up in the morning, look in the mirror and wonder how the other seven wonders of the world got on."
- Ray Houghton, somewhat implying that referee Styles is a bit fond of himself.
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"When you give success to stupid people, it makes them more stupid sometimes and not more intelligent."
- Arsene Wenger paying tribute to Jose Mourinho.
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"Rio has not been that bad, but neither was he ever that good before."
- Chelsea's William Gallas comes to the defence of Ferdinand.
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Body parts
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"We were undone by our Achilles' heel which has been stabbing us in the back all season."
- David O'Leary on Aston Villa's flexible weak point.
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"I've had a major operation. I broke my neck and haven't looked back since."
- Paul Gascoigne. Naturally.
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"When I looked down the leg was lying one way and my ankle was pointing towards Hong Kong - so I knew I was in serious trouble."
- Manchester United's Alan Smith, diagnosing a broken leg and dislocated ankle.
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"It just came in so quickly, he tried to get a head on it but it came off the wrong corner of his head."
- Norwich manager Nigel Worthington, trying to explain how Jason "squarehead" Shackell scored an own goal.
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"Apparently he was eating a lasagne and somehow pulled a hamstring - it has to be a world first."
- Coventry manager Micky Adams explaining how Andrew Whing injured himself.
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Mourinho's musings
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"Wenger has a real problem with us and I think he is what you call in England a voyeur. He is someone who likes to watch other people. There are some guys who have this big telescope to look into the homes of other people and see what is happening. Wenger must be one of them - and it is a sickness . . . I don't know what is happening to him but I think he is in love with Chelsea. He loves us."
- On his friendship with Arsene Wenger.
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"When I hear them say they can win the title it makes me feel like laughing."
- On his, eh, fear of a title charge by Liverpool.
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"Sometimes you see beautiful people with no brains, but you see ugly people who are intelligent scientists. Our pitch is a little bit like that. From the top it's a disgrace but the ball rolls at normal speed."
- On the beautifully ugly Stamford Bridge pitch.
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"For me pressure is bird flu. I am feeling a lot of pressure with the swan in Scotland. I am serious. You are laughing, but I am serious. I am more scared of the bird flu than football. What is football compared with life? A swan with bird flu, for me, that is the drama of the last two days. I have to buy some masks and stuff. I am serious. Maybe for my team as well."
- Fretting over sneezing swans.
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"I've been called arrogant, vain and overbearing, they've called me everything. Jealousy is the weapon of the incompetent and frustrated. It all makes me rewind the cassette of my life and remind me who I was, how I did it, where I got to, what I have achieved for me and my people, how many times I made the good Portuguese smile."
- Still not struggling with self-esteem issues.
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The Pundits
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"Burton just couldn't lose tonight. Except that they did."
- Ian Wright, giving yet more expert analysis on the BBC.
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"Theo Walcott is carrying a nation, literally, on his shoulders."
- Andy Townsend on the rather heavy burden placed on young Theo.
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"If Livingstone don't keep their discipline the inevitable could happen."
- Mark Hateley, inevitably.
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"The defender was so laid back there he was almost vertical."
- Frank Stapleton befuddles TV3 viewers.
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"Aston Villa seem to beat the teams halfway down but struggle against the teams halfway up."
- Mark Lawrenson befuddles Villa fans.
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In the commentary box
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"Joe Cole had a slash on the edge of the box and it actually found its way back to the corner flag."
- BBC Radio's Colin Cooper on Cole's extraordinary range.
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"In this day and age you don't see too many footballers with two feet."
- BBC Radio's Peter Allen on the chink in modern players' armour.
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"He makes the simple things look easy."
- A Sky Sports commentator lavishes AC Milan's Filippo Inzaghi with praise.
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"They have to concentrate not only when they have the ball or when their opponents have the ball, but also when neither of them has the ball."
- Graham Taylor talks tactics on BBC Radio 5.
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"I think they'll have to throw the kitchen sink at them now a bit. Maybe not the whole sink, with all the plumbing - maybe just the taps for now."
- Co-commentator extraordinaire, David Pleat.
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Questions & answers
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Reporter: "Have you ever thought about a career in the media?"
Roy Keane: "No, no. I want a proper job."
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Manish Bhasin: "There's a story that Ruud van Nistelrooy may sign for Spurs. Do you think that might happen?"
Gavin Peacock: "No. He's a top striker." Ow.
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Matt Cooper: "Is there any chance that Charlton could beat Chelsea?"
Tony Cascarino: "In a word, I don't think so."
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Reporter: "When do you stop thinking about relegation and start thinking about Europe?
Paul Jewell: "After about 10 pints."
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"I sent around a text message saying 'this is Gary Neville's new mobile number'. A few minutes later, my phone beeped with a reply saying: 'so what?' That was Roy's sense of humour."
- Gary Neville revealing how much he is missed by his former skipper.
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The managers
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"I said to my wife, 'come on, it's 'Valentine's night, I will take you out somewhere special'. So I took her to Brentford against Southend."
- Alan Curbishley, the romantic auld divil.
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"I couldn't be more chuffed if I were a badger at the start of the mating season."
- QPR's Ian Holloway.
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"They had a couple of - what's a nice word for lumps? - big players up front. Lumps is too rude."
- Spurs' Martin Jol on Liverpool's big lads, Peter Crouch and Fernando Morientes.
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"How can you tell your wife you are just popping out to play a match and then not come back for five days?"
- Liverpool's Rafa Benitez, mystified by the sport of cricket.
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The chairmen
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"You should only say good things when somebody leaves. Robert has gone - good!"
- Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd says good riddance to Laurent Robert.
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"In retrospect, of course I regret calling them morons. Imbeciles would have been more appropriate."
- Crystal Palace chairman Simon Jordan on Charlton fans (who celebrated Palace's relegation the season before).
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"Palace's liberty culture before I took over and just after was almost mesmerising. One player nicked the club's training kit and sold it on . . . . a married player on £6,000 a week put his extra-marital condoms on club expenses."
- Jordan again. The mind boggles.
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"They don't know what honesty or loyalty is. They're the biggest scum that walk on this planet and, if they weren't football players, most of them would be in prison. It's as simple as that."
- Former Spurs chairman Alan Sugar, missing his day-to-day dealings with footballers.
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"Eriksson was guilty of naivety of massive proportions, which is the same as being an idiot. If you meet a geezer on a boat wearing a blanket and you talk to him as though you have known him for years, you deserve all you get."
- Leyton Orient chairman Barry Hearn after Sven-Goran Eriksson's brush with the fake sheikh.
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With team-mates like that . . .
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"John Hartson is the laziest player I've seen. When you look at him you can easily see he needs some exercise."
- Celtic goalkeeper Artur Boruc.
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"My relationship with Lehmann is the same as ever - we don't really have one."
- Arsenal's second-choice goalkeeper Manuel Almunia on his best buddy, Jens Lehmann.
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"When God was handing out brains Jonno decided to have a lie-in. He said to us recently: 'There are two suns, aren't there? One here and one abroad?'."
- West Brom's Andrew Johnson on Jonathan Greening.
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"He's obviously really tall."
- Michael Owen is asked about the strengths of his England team-mate Peter Crouch.
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"When you see Damien coming out of the shower you'd never believe he's a professional footballer."
- Didier Drogba on The Duffer.
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Scotland
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"Can Roy Keane do the business in the Scottish Premier League? What a stupid question. Let's be honest, Roy Kinnear could still do the business in the SPL. And he's been dead for about 15 years."
- Daily Record columnist Tam Cowan.
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"Just like 17 per cent of us have ginger hair a lot of us (Scots) are small. You could build up a hugely talented Celtic side and Snow White would have to lead them out because there are so many small people here."
- Gordon Strachan. Hi ho, hi ho . . .
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"They would be as well having Roger de Courcey and Nookie Bear for manager because Romanov just wants a puppet he can work."
- Former Hearts defender Allan Preston on the fun and games at the club during the season.
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"That was brutal, an awful, awful game. I said to them last week I'd like them to win ugly and they certainly won ugly today. That was the ugliest thing I've seen since the ugly sisters fell out the ugly tree."
- Terry Butcher on Motherwell's unattractive win at Falkirk.
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High praise, indeed
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"He has so much ability and his pace is frightening. He is quicker than anyone else I have ever seen. Seriously, the boy glides across the park. If he walked across a puddle, he wouldn't make a splash."
- Harry Redknapp plays down expectations of Theo Walcott.
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"It's a long time since I've seen a player who you feel would kick his granny to win, and that's lovely - though not for the granny."
- Newcastle's Glenn Roeder on the lengths to which Steven Taylor will go to win a 50-50 ball.
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"He is the best. He reminds me of me."
- Pele pays tribute to Robinho. And himself.
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No praise, indeed
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"If he is the answer, it's a bloody stupid question."
- Former Tory MP David Mellor on suggestions that Peter Crouch could be the answer to England's attacking problems.
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"Ronaldinho is the kind of player who makes kids dream. Kids aren't going to walk around with Deschamps or Desailly on the back of their shirts, are they? If there were only players like Deschamps and Desailly around, there would be about 10 people who'd bother to take up professional football and they'd be their cousins and nephews."
- Eric Cantona on his former international buddies.
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"Morientes is a bit like bird flu. He's been lethal in other countries and we keep getting told it's only a matter of time before he makes his mark here, but there's no sign of it yet."
- The Liverpool Daily Post's Chris Bascombe - bird flu finally made its mark in Britain, but they're still waiting for Morientes to make his at Anfield.
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"He's a big donkey - a troublesome donkey, but a big donkey."
- Eamon Dunphy on Didier Drogba.
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"Ruud is a cheat and a coward who is sneaky in the way he fouls players. Everyone thinks he's a nice guy but he's a son of a bitch."
- Patrick Vieira on van Nistelrooy who, he'll be hoping, won't sign for Juventus this summer.
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: amusingquotes.com

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SOCCER QUOTES
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[After Cantona attacked a fan mid 90's]
Wasn't it good to see Eric Cantona back in action? Let's hope that this time he remembers that kicking people in the teeth is the Tory government's job.
-- Tony Blair
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Arsenal caress a football the way I dreamed of caressing Marilyn Monroe.
-- Brian Clough
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I'm enjoying every day. I've tried everything: duck's head, chicken's head, chicken's feet and bats and hopefully, if I keep that up, I'll be flying.
-- Paul Gascoigne (former Soccer Superstar, now playing in the lower divisions of Chinese football)
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If he had gunpowder for brains he couldn't blow his cap off.
-- Bill Shankly
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Brian Clough's worse than the rain in Manchester. At least God stops that occasionally
-- Bill Shankly
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We absolutely annihilated England. It was a massacre. We beat them 5-4.
-- Bill Shankly (Thoughts on a wartime Auld Enemy clash)
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You son, could start a riot in a graveyard.
-- Bill Shankly (to Tommy Smith)
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: theotherpages.org

KARL "THE MAILMAN" MALONE

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SPORTS QUOTES

Quotes from the Olympics

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I am from Denmark and I am new at this. Why do you get two points for a basket?

~Anonymous European Journalist, to US basketball player Karl Malone, during the summer Olympics, 1996.

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My performances have finally caught up with my ego.

~Ato Boldon, Trinidadian Sprinter, bronze medalist in the men's 100 and 200 meters, Atlanta Olympics, 1996.

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Is this the Olympics or One Life to Live?

~Margaret Carlson, essayist, on NBC's excessive use of tearful "Olympic Moments", during its broadcast of the Atlanta Games, 1996

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When I was competing, I'd like to think I inspired a few people to take up Olympic sport. To have the Olympics in your country, with all that it comes with, I think it's a golden opportunity to inspire so many more.

~Sebastian Coe, former Olympic runner on leading London's successful bid for the 2012 Summer Games, NYT online edition July 6th, 2005

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If I could find the guy who did this, I promise you I'd kick his butt.

~Matt Ghaffari, US Greco-Roman Wrestling Silver Medalist, about the person responsible for the Centennial Park bombing, Atlanta Olympics, 1996.

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I looked up and saw my flag. But I didn't hear my anthem.

~Matt Ghaffari, patriotic US Greco-Roman Wrestling Silver Medalist, about the award ceremony, Atlanta Olympics, 1996.

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I respect everyone. I even respect journalists.

~Alexander "the Russian Rocket" ~Popov, double-gold medallist in swimming, responding politely to inane comments by an NBC interviewer, Atlanta Olympics, 1996.

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: bartleby.com

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OLYMPICS SPORTS QUOTE
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Simpson’s Contemporary Quotations, compiled by James B. Simpson. 1988:
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NUMBER: 8735
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AUTHOR: Yun Lou, Chinese 1984 Olympic gymnast
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QUOTATION: Suit too big. Grabbed pants instead of pommel.
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ATTRIBUTION: On scoring low in pommel horse competition, news summaries 30 Jul 84
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: orange.co.uk

Relax, Shorty! It's just a "Yo Mama" Joke!

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OLYMPICS SPORTS TRIVIA

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The worst Olympians ever:

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'Faster, higher, stronger' has been the Olympics mantra for 114 years, but throughout the illustrious history of the Games some athletes have adopted a different philosophy. 'Slower, lower, weaker' neatly sums up the efforts of some of these tragi-comic Olympic failures...

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No.10. Jean-Olivier Zirignon

When: 1996

Event: 100m
The Ivory Coast sprinter (although that's a generous term) lined up for his country in the 100m at the Atlanta Olympics heats. However, he went no further than that after clocking a time of 22.69 seconds - that's slower than almost every competitor over double the distance in the 200m. He later claimed he was injured at the time but decided to compete anyway. We don't buy it.

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No. 9. Elis Lapenmal
When: 2008

Event: 100m
This is a bit of a cheat as it's not actually happened yet, but the form book before these Games sees Lapenmal comfortably make our top ten. Watch this space for the Vanuatu athlete in the women's 100m heats. She's a bit quicker than good old Zirignon but she's already caused a stir with her 13.10s best at last year's World Championships. Worringly, she's not improved since then.

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No.8. Hamza Abdu
When: 2008

Event: 100m freestyle and 100m butterfly

Again it's a case of what will probably happen and what's very clear from his form this year is that Palestinian swimmer Abdu won't be setting any records. Ahead of the Games, he's been practising in an 18-metre pool - smaller than a lot of local pools in the UK. He may find the Olympic distance of 50m something of a culture shock.

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No.7. Philip Boit
When: 1998/2002/2006

Event: Cross-country skiing
The first of our Winter Olympic entries, Boit was Kenya's sole representative at the 1998 Games in Nagano. He entered the 10km event and finished 92nd and last. In fact, he was so slow that the medal ceremony had to be delayed in order for winner Bjorn Daehlie to hug an exhausted Boit as he crossed the line. Boit was so moved he later named one of his sons Daehlie. He competed at two subsequent Games and plans to retire at the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver.

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No.6. Abdul Baser Wasiqi
When: 1996

Event: Marathon
Wasiqi flew the flag for Afghanistan at the Olympics 12 years ago, lining up in the men's marathon. The leaders need not have worried unduly as he promptly clocked a time of four hours 24 minutes and 17 seconds, placing him an unsurprising last out of the 111 competitors. Like Zirignon, he blamed it on a hamstring injury. For the record, that makes your author Olympic class as Wasiqi's time was about half an hour slower than mine for last year's London Marathon.

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No.5. Charles Olemus
When: 1976

Event: 10,000m
The Haitian athlete was something of a superstar in his home country when he entered the 10,000m. That still didn't make him any good. He finished last in the race in a time of 42 minutes, more than 15 minutes slower than the current world record. He won worldwide acclaim as the under-achiever of that year's Games, being praised for his "courage and spirit shown in his insistence on competing and finishing".

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No.4. Jamaican bobsleigh team
When: 1988

Event: Four-man bob
The quartet's story is well known having been the subject of the film Cool Runnings. It started courtesy of two Americans who had business ties in Jamaica and decided to put together a bobsleigh team after witnessing a pushcart derby on the island. They recruited sprinters and got a team together for the 1988 Olympics. They duly flipped their bob at speed and carried it over the finishing line for a classic Hollywood ending. A Jamaican team has been a regular bobsleigh feature ever since and are expected to take part in Vancouver.
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No.3. Paula Barila Bolopa
When: 2000

Event: 50m freestyle
Better known as Paula the Crawler, she managed a time of one minute and four seconds in her 50m freestyle heat, which was actually twice as slow as the next worst time - quite a remarkable achievement. She was greeted to a standing ovation by the crowd and was later described as having "gained Olympic hero status". One reporter wrote about the supermarket cashier: "She brought out the spectators' affection for a courageous, have-a-go hero who dared to compete knowing she would probably be the worst-ever Olympian in that event."
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No.2. Eddie 'The Eagle' Edwards
When: 1988

Event: Ski jumping
Michael Edwards was Britain's unlikely Olympic hero as he qualified for the ski jumping final at the Calgary Games 20 years ago. At the time, he was working as a plasterer in the west country. He was self-funded, short sighted and wore glasses that fogged up so badly he couldn't see when he competed. The other problem was that he was afraid of heights.
Unsurprisingly, Eddie finished last but was singled out by the president of the Games at the closing ceremony who said: "Some have won gold, some have broken records and one has even flown like an eagle", leading to chants of "Eddie, Eddie".

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No.1. Eric Moussambani
When: 2000

Event: 100m freestyle
Eric the Eeel, as he later became known, started on the blocks in Sydney alongside Karim Bare and Farkhod Oripov for his heat of the 100m freestyle. But after that duo were disqualified for false starts, Moussambani was left to swim alone and took an absolute age to finish.
His time was 1 minute 53 seconds and was cheered all the way to the line despite looking like he was on the verge of drowning at one point. Afterwards, he said: "The last 15 metres were very difficult." He'd practised for the Games in a 20m hotel pool in Equatorial Guinea and had never seen a 50m pool before. He won worldwide acclaim as a result.
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: quia.com

He just reads it for the cartoons.

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Unusual Olympics Sports Quiz

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WELL-READ? ON SPORTS? ON THE OLYMPICS?

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If your answer to all 3 questions above is yes, do we have a quiz for you!

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To take the quiz, click here ===> QUIZ.

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