BASEBALL HECKLES AND COMEBACKS
Ok, enough of the serious stuff and on to my favorite heckles and comebacks.
“Hey Blue! You’re missing a good game.
”Comeback — I know, I’m working this one instead.
Hey Blue! Check your cell phone, that’s three missed calls.
Comeback —I think your gene pool needs more chlorine.
A fan yelled out to a batter, “You better be swinging, you’re standing in the umps strike zone.” There is no comeback for this one; the ump wins every time with a big strike zone.
Hey Blue! You call more strikes than a union delegate.
Hey Blue! We know your blind, I’ve seen your wife.
Oh no, there goes the coach taking the bus home early.
Hey Blue! I, too, was confused the first time I saw a baseball game.
Comeback — If you’re so important, how come the seats don’t face you.
Hey Blue! You should break your cane and shoot your dog, you blind bat.
Last one, Hey Blue! There’s a town in Massachusetts named after you, Marblehead.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: collegecharlie.com
Image: z.about.com.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL QUOTES
.
SOUTHERN FOOTBALL
Southerners are proud of
their football heritage, their schools, and their
teams. And they share a deep pride
that goes with being from the South.
George Mooney
The game of football is beginning to gain
a foothold in Knoxville.
Knoxville Journal, November 20, 1891
In six days, we defeated Texas A&M,
Tulane, and Mississippi. Our best asset
was a marvelous spirit generated
by stamina and fiber.
Henry Seibels, 1899
Seibels captained the University of the South's squad
that traveled 2,000 miles and defeated five teams in six days.
Southern football is not recognized or
respected. Boys, here's your chance
to change that forever.
Wallace Wade's pre-game remarks prior to Alabama's
20 - 19 victory over Washington in the 1926 Rose Bowl.
I'm from Ohio, but if I'd known when I was two what it was
like down South, I would have
crawled here on my hands and knees.
Frank Sinkwich, University of Georgia
Someone once said that in the South
there are three seasons:
football season
recruiting season and
spring pracice.
Bob Bell
============================
Always Remember that Goliath was
a 40-point favorite over little David.
Shug Jordan
Football changes and so do people.
The successful coach is the one who sets the
trend, not the one who follows it.
Bear Bryant
The worst thing a coach can do is stand pat and
think the things that worked yesterday
will win tomorrow. Intelligent changes must be made.
Johnny Vaught
I'm not too proud to change.
I like to win too much.
Bobby Bowden
I don't believe in miracles.
I beleive in character.
Pat Dye
Don't wait to be a great man.
Be a great boy.
Shug Jordan
I want players to think as positively as the
85-year-old man who married a 25-year-old woman
and bought a five-bedroom house next to
the elementary school.
Charlie Pell
You can't be aggressive and
confused at the same time.
Darrell Royal
I can reach a kid who doesn't have
any ability as long as he doesn't know it.
Bear Bryant
Spectacular achievements are always
preceded by unspectacular preparation.
Roger Staubach
Proper conditioning is that fleeting moment
between getting ready and going stale.
Frank Thomas
First we will be best, then we will be first.
Lou Holtz
I'd rather face the lions in the coliseum
than the Tigers in Baton Rogue.
Bobby Dodd
Tennessee sophomores don't deserve citizenship
papers until they have survived an Alabama game.
General Robert Neyland
I had a lot of offers to go to other schools,
but I turned them all down. Clemson was the only place
I could bum chewing tobacco from the professors.
Frank Howard
I'd rather be on probation
then get beat by Furman.
Clemson Bumper Sticker
The definition of an atheist in Alabama is
someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant.
Wally Butts
Almost all games are lost by the losers,
not won by the winners.
General Robert Neyland
When they look back at that 9 - 1 season,
they don't ask who the nine were.
General Robert Neyland
FROM THE BEAR
I don't hire anyone not brighter than I am.
If they're not smarter than me, I don't need them.
I don't have any ideas; my coaches have them.
I just pass the ideas on and referee the arguments.
Every time a player goes out there,
at least 20 people have some amount of
influence on him. His mother has more
influence than anyone, I know because
I played, and I loved my mama.
In life, you'll have your back up against the
wall many times. You might as well get used to it.
I'm known as a recruiter. Well, you've got to
have chicken to make chicken salad.
Bear's three rules for coaching:
1. Surround yourself with people
who can't live without football.
2. Rocognize winners. They come
in all forms.
3. Have a plan for everything.
The first thing a football coach needs when
he's starting out is a wife who's willing to
put up with a lot of neglect.
The second thing is a five-year contract.
The alumni are starting to grumble, and
I'm the one starting it.
There ought to be a special place
in Heaven for coaches' wives.
When we have a good team, I know
it's because we have boys who
come from good mammas and poppas.
On game day, I'm as nervous
as a pig in a packing plant.
Darrell Royal
Football coaching is hard work.
It drains heavily on the physical, particularly
on the nerves. I believe that one should cease
this arduous service while still in good health.
Dan McGugin
When in doubt, Punt!
John Heisman
Southerners are proud of
their football heritage, their schools, and their
teams. And they share a deep pride
that goes with being from the South.
George Mooney
The game of football is beginning to gain
a foothold in Knoxville.
Knoxville Journal, November 20, 1891
In six days, we defeated Texas A&M,
Tulane, and Mississippi. Our best asset
was a marvelous spirit generated
by stamina and fiber.
Henry Seibels, 1899
Seibels captained the University of the South's squad
that traveled 2,000 miles and defeated five teams in six days.
Southern football is not recognized or
respected. Boys, here's your chance
to change that forever.
Wallace Wade's pre-game remarks prior to Alabama's
20 - 19 victory over Washington in the 1926 Rose Bowl.
I'm from Ohio, but if I'd known when I was two what it was
like down South, I would have
crawled here on my hands and knees.
Frank Sinkwich, University of Georgia
Someone once said that in the South
there are three seasons:
football season
recruiting season and
spring pracice.
Bob Bell
============================
Always Remember that Goliath was
a 40-point favorite over little David.
Shug Jordan
Football changes and so do people.
The successful coach is the one who sets the
trend, not the one who follows it.
Bear Bryant
The worst thing a coach can do is stand pat and
think the things that worked yesterday
will win tomorrow. Intelligent changes must be made.
Johnny Vaught
I'm not too proud to change.
I like to win too much.
Bobby Bowden
I don't believe in miracles.
I beleive in character.
Pat Dye
Don't wait to be a great man.
Be a great boy.
Shug Jordan
I want players to think as positively as the
85-year-old man who married a 25-year-old woman
and bought a five-bedroom house next to
the elementary school.
Charlie Pell
You can't be aggressive and
confused at the same time.
Darrell Royal
I can reach a kid who doesn't have
any ability as long as he doesn't know it.
Bear Bryant
Spectacular achievements are always
preceded by unspectacular preparation.
Roger Staubach
Proper conditioning is that fleeting moment
between getting ready and going stale.
Frank Thomas
First we will be best, then we will be first.
Lou Holtz
I'd rather face the lions in the coliseum
than the Tigers in Baton Rogue.
Bobby Dodd
Tennessee sophomores don't deserve citizenship
papers until they have survived an Alabama game.
General Robert Neyland
I had a lot of offers to go to other schools,
but I turned them all down. Clemson was the only place
I could bum chewing tobacco from the professors.
Frank Howard
I'd rather be on probation
then get beat by Furman.
Clemson Bumper Sticker
The definition of an atheist in Alabama is
someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant.
Wally Butts
Almost all games are lost by the losers,
not won by the winners.
General Robert Neyland
When they look back at that 9 - 1 season,
they don't ask who the nine were.
General Robert Neyland
FROM THE BEAR
I don't hire anyone not brighter than I am.
If they're not smarter than me, I don't need them.
I don't have any ideas; my coaches have them.
I just pass the ideas on and referee the arguments.
Every time a player goes out there,
at least 20 people have some amount of
influence on him. His mother has more
influence than anyone, I know because
I played, and I loved my mama.
In life, you'll have your back up against the
wall many times. You might as well get used to it.
I'm known as a recruiter. Well, you've got to
have chicken to make chicken salad.
Bear's three rules for coaching:
1. Surround yourself with people
who can't live without football.
2. Rocognize winners. They come
in all forms.
3. Have a plan for everything.
The first thing a football coach needs when
he's starting out is a wife who's willing to
put up with a lot of neglect.
The second thing is a five-year contract.
The alumni are starting to grumble, and
I'm the one starting it.
There ought to be a special place
in Heaven for coaches' wives.
When we have a good team, I know
it's because we have boys who
come from good mammas and poppas.
On game day, I'm as nervous
as a pig in a packing plant.
Darrell Royal
Football coaching is hard work.
It drains heavily on the physical, particularly
on the nerves. I believe that one should cease
this arduous service while still in good health.
Dan McGugin
When in doubt, Punt!
John Heisman
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: thesportstruth.com
SCOTT BORAS, BASEBALL AGENTSPORTS QUOTES
.
"I think Devin has a lot of upside, but Jason Kidd is the type of all-league point guard our team needs. We just need a jolt. Adding a player like him can re-energize a team, hopefully." - Confused former Dallas Mavericks forward Jerry Stackhouse who was part of the Jason Kidd deal that sent Kidd to Dallas for Devon Harris, Stackhouse, and a number of other players to New Jersey.
February, 14th 2008
-------------------------------------------------
"He has his team in a position right now, if they win today, they could possibly go to the Super Bowl and make an appearance there." - Emmit Smith talking about Eli Manning and the New York Giants
-------------------------------------------------
"He has his team in a position right now, if they win today, they could possibly go to the Super Bowl and make an appearance there." - Emmit Smith talking about Eli Manning and the New York Giants
January, 20th 2008
----------------------------------------------
"When you have a quarterback controversy, if you waive a guy, there's no going back." - John Madden discussing the Jacksonville Jaguars decision to go with David Garrard over Byron Leftwich.
January, 11th 2008
----------------------------------------------
"We were the first ones to climb Mount Everest. If New England comes and does it, then they can be the second ones. But you usually don't remember No. 2. I remember Sir Edmund Hillary was the first one to climb Mount Everest. I don't remember who did it the second time. Do you?" - Garo Yepremian, place kicker for the 1972 Dolphins
----------------------------------------------
"When you have a quarterback controversy, if you waive a guy, there's no going back." - John Madden discussing the Jacksonville Jaguars decision to go with David Garrard over Byron Leftwich.
January, 11th 2008
----------------------------------------------
"We were the first ones to climb Mount Everest. If New England comes and does it, then they can be the second ones. But you usually don't remember No. 2. I remember Sir Edmund Hillary was the first one to climb Mount Everest. I don't remember who did it the second time. Do you?" - Garo Yepremian, place kicker for the 1972 Dolphins
December, 31st 2007
------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------
"I fight till I die. It's not about giving up or quitting. To me, it's win or die. I literally mean death, I don't mean 'walk away.' I mean death." - New York Knicks head coach Isiah Thomas responding to fans booing him at Madison Square Garden.
December, 11th 2007
-----------------------------------------------
"We've played against a lot better safeties than him" - New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick commenting on Pittsburgh Steelers safety Anthony Smith's guarantee of a Steelers win after the Patriots defeated the Steelers 34-13.
-----------------------------------------------
"We've played against a lot better safeties than him" - New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick commenting on Pittsburgh Steelers safety Anthony Smith's guarantee of a Steelers win after the Patriots defeated the Steelers 34-13.
December, 9th 2007
-------------------------------------------------
"There's a better chance of me breeding unicorns than there is of that deal happening." A's general manater Billy Beane giving his opinion on rumors of a three-team trade with the Mets and Twins that would have featured Haren, Santana and Jose Reyes changing teams.
December, 7th 2007
------------------------------------------------
"This is Prime. I want to be in your life. Let me know." - Deion Sanders' voice mail reaching out to fellow University of Miami alumni, Devon Hester.
December, 5th 2007
-----------------------------------------------
"If the Red Sox get Santana, they might be the best team in the history of the frigging universe." - an unnamed executive of one NL team.
-------------------------------------------------
"There's a better chance of me breeding unicorns than there is of that deal happening." A's general manater Billy Beane giving his opinion on rumors of a three-team trade with the Mets and Twins that would have featured Haren, Santana and Jose Reyes changing teams.
December, 7th 2007
------------------------------------------------
"This is Prime. I want to be in your life. Let me know." - Deion Sanders' voice mail reaching out to fellow University of Miami alumni, Devon Hester.
December, 5th 2007
-----------------------------------------------
"If the Red Sox get Santana, they might be the best team in the history of the frigging universe." - an unnamed executive of one NL team.
December, 2007
-----------------------------------------------
"The swirl of emotions I feel befits the November winds of Boston." - Former Red Sox Vice President of Public Relations Charles Steinberg on leaving the Red Sox to take a similar position with the Los Angeles Dodgers
November, 27th 2007
-----------------------------------------------
"I had to stop for a moment and think 'Geez, we're in Orlando.' There are a ton of Celtics fans out there. But until this year, we haven't been worth paying to go see" - Celtics Coach Doc Rivers after his team's 104-102 loss to the Orlando Magic
"The swirl of emotions I feel befits the November winds of Boston." - Former Red Sox Vice President of Public Relations Charles Steinberg on leaving the Red Sox to take a similar position with the Los Angeles Dodgers
November, 27th 2007
-----------------------------------------------
"I had to stop for a moment and think 'Geez, we're in Orlando.' There are a ton of Celtics fans out there. But until this year, we haven't been worth paying to go see" - Celtics Coach Doc Rivers after his team's 104-102 loss to the Orlando Magic
November, 21st 2007
-----------------------------------------------
"The free agent market has been artificially manipulated by owner conduct." - Scott Boras
November, 8th 2007
-----------------------------------------------
"I have made horrible decisions about who I am with or who I am going places with ... Two of my friends who had never driven a Bentley, I let them drive my Bentley one night just because. Not just to show them the upside, but I never had anyone do that for me. It's always the little things that get me in trouble.''- Pacman Jones
April, 9th 2007
-------------------------------------------------
"This is a big bump I have to overcome. I'm going to deal with it like a champ. I've got to make sure people know I don't hate gay people." - Tim Hardaway
March, 14th 2007
------------------------------------------------
"If they don't sign me, sorry, but I must go. That's what Carlos Zambrano thinks." - Carlos Zambrano
February, 13th 2007
-----------------------------------------------
"Had I owned a farm yesterday, it would no longer be in mypossession." - TheSportsTruth.com's own Michael Brian, upon losing a tidy sum on Ohio State in the BCS title game.
-----------------------------------------------
"The free agent market has been artificially manipulated by owner conduct." - Scott Boras
November, 8th 2007
-----------------------------------------------
"I have made horrible decisions about who I am with or who I am going places with ... Two of my friends who had never driven a Bentley, I let them drive my Bentley one night just because. Not just to show them the upside, but I never had anyone do that for me. It's always the little things that get me in trouble.''- Pacman Jones
April, 9th 2007
-------------------------------------------------
"This is a big bump I have to overcome. I'm going to deal with it like a champ. I've got to make sure people know I don't hate gay people." - Tim Hardaway
March, 14th 2007
------------------------------------------------
"If they don't sign me, sorry, but I must go. That's what Carlos Zambrano thinks." - Carlos Zambrano
February, 13th 2007
-----------------------------------------------
"Had I owned a farm yesterday, it would no longer be in mypossession." - TheSportsTruth.com's own Michael Brian, upon losing a tidy sum on Ohio State in the BCS title game.
January, 9th 2007
----------------------------------------------
"I don't understand how I'm made out to be the bad guy. All because Sam asked about being traded and Sam wanted a contract." - Sam Cassell
----------------------------------------------
"I don't understand how I'm made out to be the bad guy. All because Sam asked about being traded and Sam wanted a contract." - Sam Cassell
-----------------------------------------------
Image: mcgeorge.edu/
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: chench.com
SWIMMING QUOTES
If I were dropped out of a plane into the ocean and told the nearest land was a thousand miles away, I’d still swim. And I’d despise the one who gave up. ~Abraham Maslow
The water is your friend. You don’t have to fight with water, just share the same spirit as the water, and it will help you move. ~Aleksandr Popov
H2O: two parts Heart and one part Obsession. ~Author Unknown
If the world was flat I’d probably swim off it. ~Author Unknown
It’s a good idea to begin at the bottom in everything except in learning to swim. ~Author Unknown
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? ~Steven Wright
Sometimes God calms the storm. At other times, he calms the sailor. And sometimes he makes us swim. ~Author Unknown
Seventy-five percent of our planet is water - can you swim? ~Author Unknown
What goes around comes around, just like a flip turn. ~Author Unknown
Seven days of no swimming makes one weak. ~Author Unknown
If you want to learn to swim jump into the water. On dry land no frame of mind is ever going to help you. ~Bruce Lee
When the earth floods from global warming, the swimmers will rule the world. ~Author Unknown
Swimming - what real men do while boys play football. ~Author Unknown
He who burns his bridges better be a damn good swimmer. ~Author Unknow
Do men who have got all their marbles go swimming in lakes with their clothes on? ~P.G. Wodehouse
I simply can’t understand
I can’t fly, but swimming is the next best thing…. The water is my sky. ~Author Unknown
On matters of style, swim with the current, on matters of principle, stand like a rock. ~Thomas Jefferson
It’s been told that swimming is a wimp sport, but I don’t see it. We don’t get timeouts, in the middle of a race we can’t stop and catch our breath, we can’t roll on our stomachs and lie there, and we can’t ask for a substitution. ~Author Unknown
Fish, to taste good, must swim three times: in water, in butter, and in wine. ~Proverb
In my retirement I go for a short swim at least once or twice every day. It’s either that or buy a new golf ball. ~Gene Perret
If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read “President Can’t Swim.” ~Lyndon B. Johnson
Don’t wait for your ship to come in - swim out to it. ~Author Unknown
If I were dropped out of a plane into the ocean and told the nearest land was a thousand miles away, I’d still swim. And I’d despise the one who gave up. ~Abraham Maslow
The water is your friend. You don’t have to fight with water, just share the same spirit as the water, and it will help you move. ~Aleksandr Popov
H2O: two parts Heart and one part Obsession. ~Author Unknown
If the world was flat I’d probably swim off it. ~Author Unknown
It’s a good idea to begin at the bottom in everything except in learning to swim. ~Author Unknown
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? ~Steven Wright
Sometimes God calms the storm. At other times, he calms the sailor. And sometimes he makes us swim. ~Author Unknown
Seventy-five percent of our planet is water - can you swim? ~Author Unknown
What goes around comes around, just like a flip turn. ~Author Unknown
Seven days of no swimming makes one weak. ~Author Unknown
If you want to learn to swim jump into the water. On dry land no frame of mind is ever going to help you. ~Bruce Lee
When the earth floods from global warming, the swimmers will rule the world. ~Author Unknown
Swimming - what real men do while boys play football. ~Author Unknown
He who burns his bridges better be a damn good swimmer. ~Author Unknow
Do men who have got all their marbles go swimming in lakes with their clothes on? ~P.G. Wodehouse
I simply can’t understand
Why swimsuits are in such demand
They’re soggy and damp,
Bind like a clamp,
And hold about three pounds of sand!
~D.R. Benson
I can’t fly, but swimming is the next best thing…. The water is my sky. ~Author Unknown
Well, me don’t swim too tough so me don’t go in the water too deep. ~Bob Marley
On matters of style, swim with the current, on matters of principle, stand like a rock. ~Thomas Jefferson
It’s been told that swimming is a wimp sport, but I don’t see it. We don’t get timeouts, in the middle of a race we can’t stop and catch our breath, we can’t roll on our stomachs and lie there, and we can’t ask for a substitution. ~Author Unknown
Fish, to taste good, must swim three times: in water, in butter, and in wine. ~Proverb
In my retirement I go for a short swim at least once or twice every day. It’s either that or buy a new golf ball. ~Gene Perret
If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read “President Can’t Swim.” ~Lyndon B. Johnson
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