FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: soccerlens.com

Funny Quotes by Football Managers

There have been some really comical quotes made by football managers over the years - in the heat of the moment - and since we tend to become too serious at times about our football it may be good just to browse through some of these and have a chuckle.

Sir Bobby Robson (Uncle Bobby to Newcastle fans) has most of the top ones.

Also Bill Shankley, the great Liverpool manager, Kevin Keegan, Brian Clough (who never was short of confidence), and Sir Alex Ferguson, the best ever at Manchester United have some choice quotes listed.

Read on – and enjoy!

Sir Bobby Robson

• We didn't underestimate them but they were a lot better than we thought - after England sneaked through against Cameroon in the 1990 World Cup.

• The first 90 minutes are the most important.

• We're flying on the Concorde. That'll shorten the distance – that's self-explanatory.

• I would have given my right arm to be a pianist.

• I'm not going to look beyond the semi-final - but I would love to lead Newcastle out at the final.

• I do want to play the short ball and I do want to play the long ball. I think long and short balls is what football is all about.

• He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him.

• If we start counting our chickens before they hatch, they won't lay any eggs in the basket.

• There will be a game where somebody scores more than Brazil and that might be the game they lose.

• Steve Hodge has been unfit for two weeks, well, no, for 14 days.

• Look at those olive trees - they're two hundred years old – from before the time of Christ! - Sir Bobby illustrates how great life is in Barcelona.

• Titus looks like Tyson when he strips off in the dressing-room, except he doesn't bite and has a great tackle – on Titus Bramble at Newcastle.

• I played cricket for my local village. It was 40 overs per side, and the team that had the most runs won. It was that sort of football.

• He's got his legs back, of course, or his leg - he's always had one but now he's got two.

• He never fails to hit the target - but that was a miss.

• Sir Bobby to Bryan Robson: Good morning, Bobby. Bryan: You're Bobby, I'm Bryan!

Bill Shankley

• Some people think football is a matter of life and death – but I assure you, it's much more serious than that

• He has football in his blood - the disappointed scout complained. You may be right, Shanks said, but it hasn't reached his legs yet.

Kevin Keegan

• They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Highway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - because he's a bit different.

• The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the game.

• I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's totally different.

• The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful.

• Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late 20s or 30s and sometimes not even then

• I'm not disappointed - just disappointed

• We deserved to win this game after hammering them 0-0 in the first half.

• Argentina won't be at Euro 2000 because they're from South America.

• There's a slight doubt about only one player, and that's Tony Adams, who won't be playing tomorrow

Brian Clough

• I wouldn't say I'm the best manager but I'm in the top one

• They say Rome wasn't built in a day, but I wasn't on that particular job

• If I had an argument with a player we would sit down for twenty minutes, talk about it and then decide I was right!

• The river Trent is lovely, I know because I have walked on it for 18 years

• Walk on water? I know most people out there will be saying that instead of walking on it, I should have taken more of it with my drinks. They are absolutely right

• Football hooligans - well, there are 92 club chairmen for a start

• I can't even spell spaghetti never mind talk Italian. How could I tell an Italian to get the ball? He might grab mine.

Sir Alex Ferguson

• If we can play like that every week, we'll get some level of consistency

• As with every young player, he's only 18 – talking about a young David Beckham

• Cole should be scoring from those distances, but I'm not going to single him out.

Others

• I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat - Ron Atkinson

• Jean Tigana has spent the entire first half inside Liam Brady's shorts - Jimmy Magee

• I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country - Ian Rush, (ex-Liverpool) when asked how he enjoyed his time at Juventus

• That's great, tell him he's Pele, and get him back on - John Lambie, Partick Thistle Manager, when told his concussed striker did not know who he was

• It took a lot of bottle for Tony to own up - Ian Wright, on the Arsenal captain's confession to alcoholism

• I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God, that must have been one hell of a pass - Jasper Carrott

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: soccerlens.com

SOCCER QUOTES

"When he was dribbling, he used to go through a minefield with his arm, a bit like you go through a supermarket." Bobby Robson, on Paul Gascoigne

"Their football was exceptionally good - and they played some good football." Bobby Robson

"Well, we got nine and you can't score more than that." Bobby Robson

"Maybe not goodbye, but farewell…" Bobby Robson

"Home advantage gives you an advantage." Bobby Robson

"Eighteen months ago they (Sweden) were arguably one of the best three teams in Europe, and that would include Germany, Holland, Russia and anybody else if you like." Bobby Robson

"Players only understand substitutions when they become managers." Bobby Robson

"They can't change any of their players, but they have changed one of their players and that's the coach." Bobby Robson

"They've probably played better than they've ever done for a few weeks." Bobby Robson

"Gary Speed has never played better, never looked fitter, never been older." Bobby Robson

"Where do you get an experienced player like him with a left foot and a head?" Bobby Robson

"In a year's time, he's a year older." Bobby Robson

"Some of the goals were good, some of the goals were sceptical." Bobby Robson

"Anything from 1-0 to 2-0 would be a nice result." Bobby Robson

"The margin is very marginal." Bobby Robson

"We've got nothing to lose, and there's no point losing this game." Bobby Robson

"I thought that individually and as a pair, they'd do better together." Bobby Robson

"Everyone's got tough games coming up. Manchester United have got Arsenal, Arsenal have got Manchester United and Leeds have got Leeds." Bobby Robson

"We don't have to play them every week, although we do play them next week." Bobby Robson

"Until we're out of the Champions' League we're still in it." Bobby Robson

"I said to the lads at halftime, I said, there was nothing to say." Bobby Robson

"Practice makes permanent." Bobby Robson
"We've got great speed in the team, not just Gary Speed, but great speed!" Bobby Robson

"Now we've got Southgate…" Bobby Robson, on signing Jonathan Woodgate

"He's the only man I know who could start an argument with himself." Bobby Robson, on Graig Bellamy

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: nuzet.com

TENNIS JARGON

You slipped on your flannel pajamas, hopped into the comforts of your bed then covered yourself with that soft blanket. It was a perfect night, and you sighed with relief. Before you finally dozed off to sleep, you turned on the television and checked out ESPN. It was a Rolland Garros tournament with two of your absolute favorite players, Andy Roddick and Rafael Nadal. Unexpectedly, Andy Roddick yelled "love." You shouted with disbelief, "Did he just say that to Rafael Nadal?" Sounds funny but there is really tennis jargon that sounds so strange to those unfamiliar with tennis. "Love," as you may know, means zero or nothing. It is a rule in the game that when the player wins a certain round, the player would pronounce the score aloud, as in "15- love." To educated you further, here are some tennis terms: All-Rounder -- a player with the skill to play well both offensively and defensively. Bye -- prior to the start of a tournament seeded players can be given a bye, which means they are automatically awarded a place in the second round of the tournament. Clay Court -- a court with a surface constructed of crushed shale, stone or brick. It may be red or green. The French Open is competed on clay. Cross Slice -- a shot hit with under spin, or backspin, and side spin simultaneously. Dink Shot -- a soft dipping shot that barely clears the net; used often in doubles, especially on return of serve. Donut -- if you score zero (0) games in a set this may be called a Donut. Double Bagel -- if the server falls short of serving correctly on both first and second serves, it is called a double fault. The server then loses the point. Flat Face -- when the strings of the racquet are perpendicular to the ground and the racquet contacts the ball squarely, with little spin. Golden Set -- a set of tennis which is won 6-0 without giving up a single point. Only one player in the history of modern tennis has ever achieved this, Bill Scanlon (USA). It was against Marcos Hocevar (Brazil) in the first round of the WCT Gold Coast Classic at Del Ray (Florida, United States) on February 22, 1983. Bill Scanlon triumphed in the match 6-2, 6-0. Ground Stroke Slice -- a ground stroke hit with an open-faced racquet resulting in backspin or under spin. Hitting On The Rise -- playing the ball before it has attained the peak of its bounce. Also called "taking the ball early." Inside-Out -- a forehand that requires running around the ball to take it on your forehand, even though it has been hit to you in a natural backhand position. Kill -- to "put away" the ball and finish the point. Knockout Competition -- a tournament whereby players are removed from the tournament when they lose a match. Most events are played with this set-up, except for the Masters, the Hopman Cup, the Davis Cup, or the Fed Cup. Let -- called to declare that a point is to be replayed. A common example is when a serve clips the top of the net but still lands properly on the court. Lob -- to hit the ball over your opponents head using lots of topspin. Best played when your opponent is near the net. Lucky Loser -- in some knockout tournaments, one loss does not automatically result in elimination. Beaten players have the chance to play again, if, for example a player withdrew. These players are called "lucky losers." Moon Ball -- a very high lob mixed into a baseline exchange, mostly used to change the tempo. "No-man's" Land -- the space between the baseline and the service line. Put Away Volley -- a volley sent beyond the opponent's reach. Seeding -- a graded list of the top players entering a tournament. The top players are normally "seeded" before a tournament begins. This prevents these players from being played against each other -- and knocking each other out -- during the early rounds of the competition. Serena Slam -- a term coined after Serena Williams consecutively won all 4 Grand Slam events, but not in the same season. In 2002 Serena won the French Open, Wimbledon, and US Open, subsequently won the Australian Open in 2003. Taking The Net -- shifting from the baseline position to the net position. Tennis Elbow -- pain in the elbow brought about by too much play, improper technique, improper tension, or any combination of the three. Unforced Error -- where a player is not under any pressure from an opponent yet plays a shot which does not land inside the boundaries. Vertical Face -- when the striking area of the racquet is at a right angle to the ground or "on edge," as opposed to an open or a closed face.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source various Internet joke \ quote sites

SPORTS-RELATED INSULTS \ PUTDOWNS

"A man without a wife is like an Eskimo without a golf club." ... Groucho Marx

"In the football game of life, I was born a wide receiver with no arms." - Brent Rangen, Sr.

His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons - Robin Williams

He's about as sharp as a bowling ball.

You are so dumb, you think that martial arts are paintings by the sheriff.

Endless love? That's Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

If you can't swim stay out of the gene pool.

Nice complexion...You look like the goalie for a dart team.

He is playing hockey with a warped puck

He's on the batting end of a no-hitter.

He's paddling with one oar.

He's skating on the wrong side of the ice.

The going got weird and he turned pro.

He's got too much yardage between the goal posts.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: hockyjocky.com

GOLF QUOTES

.
I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.
-Buddy Hackett

Once when I was golfing in Georgia I hooked the ball into a swamp. I went
in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a
little golfer on it.
-Buddy Hackett

Golf's three ugliest words: still your shot.
-Dave Marr

"I'm very lucky. If it wasn't for golf I don't know what I'd be doing. If my
IQ had been two points lower, I'd have been a plant somewhere."
-Lee Trevino

Golf has more rules than any other game, because golf has more cheaters than
any other game.
-Bruce Lansky

On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20
percent lied.
-Bruce Lansky

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the
occasional miracle.

Why is it that when you tell yourself, 'don't hit it in the water' your body
only seems to hear the word 'water'?

The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your name...and
they say golf is a quiet game.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank
it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out
and, for no reason at all, you really stink.
-Bob Hope

Only a stupid golfer throws his club behind him. The smart golfer throws his
club ahead so he can pick it up on the way to the next hole.
-Tommy Armour

Corollary: clubs don't float.

He who has the fastest golf cart never has a bad lie.
-Mickey Mantle