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SPORTS QUOTES \ INSULTS .
I don't believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick a thing up and put it back down. To me, that's indecision.
~Paula Poundstone, comedienne
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That went 5-4-3 if you're scoring at home - or even if you're watching by yourself.
~Keith Olbermann, ESPN SportsCenter anchor, describing a highlight double play.
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I feel good.
~James Brown, soul singer, when asked how he felt after taking a few handoffs during an Atlanta Falcon practice.
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I married a female. I think they're good people.
~Andrew Lang, Milwaukee Bucks center, on the NBA hiring female referees for the first time.
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I developed osteoporosis of the personality. My thought processes became brittle.
~Mac O'Grady, explaining that he would play in fewer PGA tournaments after discovering that competing every week caused too much stress.
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Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while.
~Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics.
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My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
~Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating."
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Anytime you lose your head, your ass goes with it.
~Willie the Shoe.
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The older I get, the longer my drives used to be.
~Chi Chi Rodriguez.
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I'll moider da bum.
~Tony Galento, heavyweight boxer, when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare.
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People think we make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don't realize that most of us only make $500,000.
~Pete Incaviglia, baseball player, 1990.
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My performances have finally caught up with my ego.
~Ato Boldon, Trinidad sprinter, bronze medalist in the men's 100 and 200 meters, Atlanta Olympics, 1996.
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That's great - I'm only seven wins away from my first grand slam title.
~Justin Gimelstob, UCLA freshman, ranked 1,154 in the world, upon gaining a wildcard bid to the U.S. Open Tennis Championships, 1995.
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They run like deer, they jump like deer, and they think like deer.
~Charles Barkely, commenting on the new crop of NBA players being churned out by colleges.
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There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
~Steven Wright
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Si.
~Jack McKeon, Cincinnati Reds manager, when asked if he spoke French.
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If you have some deformity. I'll talk about it.
~Shannon Sharpe (Tongue), Denver Broncos trash talking tight end, on how he throws his opponents off their game.
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I was a little worried about the drinking, but they assured me they would be drinking anywhere they went.
~Roger Neilson, Flyers coach, on allowing his players to spend a four day break in New Orleans.
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She's probably out for the season.
~Brad Scott, South Carolina football coach, after his wife Daryle broke her leg while leaving a game.
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My game is like a cross between karaoke and rap: crap.
~Nick Faldo
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Wouldn't it be funny if Latrell Sprewell saved his coach's neck?
~Argus Hamilton, after Sprewell led the Knicks and embattled coach Jeff Van Gundy to a 3-2 Eastern Conference finals lead.
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It replaced the Kentucky Derby as the most exciting two minutes in sports.
~Dave Baker, WSB radio, after Braves pitcher Greg Maddux legged out a triple.
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The San Francisco 49ers are shaping up to be an all-around team, they always had good defenders, and with the signing of Lawrence Phillips, they will have a good offender.
~Pat E. Fogger.
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As soon as Agassi lost that 130 pounds, he became a man again.
~Pat E. Fogger.
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I've always prided myself on not striking out four times in a game. And I still haven't.
~Scott Rolen, Phillies third baseman, after striking out five times against the Padres.
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I just don't have that first-step explosion anymore.
~Lou Piniella, Seattle Mariner's Manager, who stormed out of the dugout to argue a call, but tripped on the steps and fell face first onto the field.
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When he didn't remember our anniversary, I knew he was OK.
~~Lisa McCaffrey, wife of Denver Bronco wide receiver Ed McCaffrey, on his latest concussion.
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He's been in a mental asylum most of his life.
~Mickey Clayton, Florida A&M coach, after seeing his brother Craig holding up a "We Want Duke" sign at the MEAC Tournament.
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That was the nail that got the coffin going.
~Bob Toledo, UCLA coach, on Wisconsin's interception return.
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That's as good as it gets.
~Danny Ainge, Suns coach, to Jack Nicholson, after Phoenix beat the Lakers in its final game at the Forum.
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How I would love to be 16 again. Then again, I would also love to be 58 again.
~JoAnne Carner, LPGA Hall of Famer, who was paired with a 16 year old amateur golfer.
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Are there enough criminals to support two leagues?
~Jay Leno, on the recent announcement that the XFL will begin playing pro football.
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I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
~Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
~Jason Kidd, after being drafted to the Dallas Mavericks.
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They're like roaches when the lights are turned on.
~Warren Sapp, Tampa Bay defensive tackle, on St. Louis Rams receivers.
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That's way back in the 90's.
~Philadelphia Flyer's Captain Eric Lindross, on the 8 game losing streak his team finally broke in January 2000.
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If I gave you an eye, you'd be a Cyclops.
~(Ragging the ump.)
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Never trust a dog to guard your food.
~Paul Ellering, Iditarod musher, on the first thing he learned.
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I don't care. I'm too old for that stuff.
~Mookie Blaylock, Warriors guard, on whispers that age is catching up with him.
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You dead yet?
~Yogi Berra, upon telephoning Whitey Ford after hearing reports that Whitey had a recurrence of cancer.
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Every man is jealous of Kobe. Usually you have to be 43 or 44 in L.A. before you can do that.
~John Salley, Los Angeles Laker, commenting on young teammate Kobe Bryant's 18 year old girlfriend.
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Show up, keep up, and shut up.
~Bruce Summerhays, Senior PGA Tour golfer, relaying instructions he received before caddying for his daughter at the U.S. Women's Open.
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We have the greatest fans in the world. We raise more money per win than any school in the land.
~Lou Holtz, South Carolina Football Coach, whose team was 0-11 last season.
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I'm definitely willing to do it. But it is a scary thought.
~No-field slugger Jose Canseco, letting manager Joe Torre know that he is able to play outfield for the short-handed Yankees.
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I make plays.
~John Keith, San Francisco 49ers safety, explaining how he got his nickname "Shakespeare."
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I walk by the fried catfish in the dining hall, and it seems like it's talking to me.
~Texas Longhorns' 366 pound offensive tackle Leonard Davis (Contributed by C. Chapman).
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Citius, Altius, Fortius, Urinalysis.
~Bob Verdi, Chicago Tribune, of the new Olympic motto.
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The best way to travel is with a good team.
~Dick Tomey, former University of Hawaii football coach.
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If you want to be a winner, you need two things: Balls.
~Anon.
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When scouts drool, checkbooks rule.
~Blackie Sherrod, Dallas Morning News columnist.
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All men are equal before fish.
~Herbert Hoover.
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Benny From Heaven!
~New York Daily News Headline on Benny Agbayani's game-winning, 13th inning homer in the 2000 National League Division Series.
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It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
~Pat Hill, Fresno State football coach.
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I like the moment when I break a man's ego.
~Bobby Fischer
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I am so excited that I do not have enough English to explain.
~Maja Gustin, University of Hawaii volleyball player from Slovenia, upon making the Final Four in 2000.
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I think I'm going to take him out on the first road trip, get him drunk, and talk contract.
~Bob Boughner, Pittsburgh Penguin, on team owner Mario Lemieux's return to skating.
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The doctors tell me that when I start coughing, it's pretty much over for me in three days..... so I don't cough.
~Al McGuire, former basketball coach and broadcaster, on his incurable leukemia.
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It's not whether you win or lose, but who get's the blame.
~Blaine Nye, former Dallas Cowboy lineman, on his philosophy of football.
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I hit too many lips. It was a case of liprosy.
~Tiger Woods, on his 9th place finish at the 2001 Mercedes Championship on Maui.
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You'll see nothing on my office walls. Even my name is up there on velcro.
~Bob Francis, NHL coach, on job security in a league where 6 coaches have already been fired this season.
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That should keep the snoring down on couches everywhere on Super Bowl Sunday.
~Tom FitzGerald, San Francisco Chronicle, on the Breathe Right nasal strips that will be sold in the colors of the Baltimore Ravens and New York Giants.
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It's the road signs....."Beware of Lions."
~Bernard Lagat, Kenya, when asked why his country produces so many outstanding runners.
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I don't know, I'm not in shape yet.
~Yogi Berra, when asked during spring training, what size cap he wore.
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I loved it when we made that football. The Giants had just made a football, and we came right back.
~Kathleen Kennedy Townsend, Maryland's Lt. Gov., when asked what her favorite play was during the 2001 Super Bowl.
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Ray Lewis is the MVP of the Super Bowl, and Allen Iverson is the MVP of the NBA All-Star game. This can mean only one thing: John Rocker for MVP of the World Series.
~Ron Rapoport, Chicago Sun-Times.
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We went from a team where no one could get a date to guys getting married and having kids. I didn't think some would ever get married. We've got some ugly guys on this team.
~John Boles, Florida Marlins Manager, after 7 of his players were married in the off-season.
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I fell asleep in the middle of the round, but at my age, I need a nap.
~Jack Nicklaus, 61, on the three straight bogeys as he was making the turn.
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I love it. I don't do a damn thing, and I don't start till noon.
~Don Haskins, former UTEP basketball coach, on his recent retirement.
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If he's going to be as good as Terry Bradshaw, he's gonna need a lot more concussions.
~Jay Leno, on Troy Aikman becoming a TV sports analyst.
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Of course, the team was 3-9 last season, so let's hope they're not asked to stop anybody.
~Jerry Greene, Orlando Sentinel, on UH football players working security at the 2001 Asian Development Bank Convention in Honolulu.
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Hey Lasorda, is that your belt or the equator?
~Heckler, to former Dodger Manager Tommy Lasorda.
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I think it's a good idea.
~John McKay, Late Tampa Bay Coach, when asked about his team's execution.
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Half basketball and half nelson.
~Rick Morrissey, Chicago Tribune columnist, describing the contact sport of pro basketball.
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Closed.
~Yogi Berra, when asked how he liked school.
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He wants to know if it's legal to grab an opponent's throat.
~Interpreter for Sumo Grand Champion Wakanohana, who is training with the Arizona Rattlers of the Arena Football League in an attempt to play pro football.
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There's a lot of dead grass out there. It looks like Uncle Fester's head.
~Gary McCord, on the bone-dry conditions at the 2001 Senior Players Golf Championship.
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Today's players, they do not know how. If you are going to throw it, you break it. You have to show commitment.
~Goran Ivanisevic, 2001 Wimbledon Champion, on throwing rackets.
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I've watched a lot of All-Star games on TV but cannot feel it. But today being in the game, I got a lot of feeling with the whole of my body.
~Ichiro Suzuki, Seattle Mariners, on playing in the 2001 All-Star game.
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Golf is a good cart ride spoiled.
~Bernie Lincicome, Rocky Mountain News columnist.
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I'm not going hunting with anyone who plays the same position as me.
~Derrick Coleman on why he wouldn't go hunting with then teammate Jayson Williams.
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I'm scared. I think I'm the best player here.
~Scott Hastings, basketball player
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I figure if I kill the first one, word will get around.
~Charles Barkely, on how he plans to handle his 12 year old daughter's future boyfriends.
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We're going to be exciting. Of course, it was exciting when the Titanic went down.
~Bob Weiss on Atlanta's '92 prospects.
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That was my fault. I should have read it before it came out.
~Charles Barkley on being misquoted in his autobiography.
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I like pressure. Pressure is what creates diamonds.
~John Salley.
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B.J. does not eat beef. B.J. is a vegetarian, so I don't think he has any beef at all.
~Chicago coach Phil Jackson when asked if B.J. Armstrong had a beef with how he is used.
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Maybe he's just trying to put some English on it.
~Jim Durham, broadcaster, trying to explain why Karl Malone was talking to the ball prior to a free throw shot.
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We really didn't deserve to win. They didn't either. It should have been a tie.
~Sam Cassell on a 114-104 New Jersey loss to Atlanta.
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I thank my teammates for letting their men blow by them.
~Alonzo Mourning on winning the Defensive Player of the Year award.
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I cannot do the finger wave to the guy after I block a shot, I have to do it to the crowd. I did it to the crowd, but the referee said there was a bench in front of the crowd.
~Dikembe Mutombo on his technical for wagging his finger after a block.
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They're really aggressive. They're like roaches on bread - you drop some on the floor and, boom, they're on it.
~Kevin Garnett, on Miami's defense.
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I get up about the time I used to come in.
~John Daly, PGA's reformed alcoholic.
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Coach told us, 'Don't get into a track meet.' We got into a track meet with Marion Jones and Carl Lewis - and we're running like Bill Cosby.
~Olden Polynice, after losing to Dallas.
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We're prepared. Now, if we lose our beer vendors, then you've got a problem.
~Art Modell, Ravens owner, on using replacement refs for the 2001 NFL season.
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It's not tough to play on the road. It's tough to win on the road.
~June Jones, University of Hawaii football coach.
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He took care of the kids for a while, and he was chasing the nannies around pretty much the rest of the time.
~Jesper Parnevik, on his house guest Sergio Garcia.
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I knew we were in for a long season when we lined up for the national anthem on opening day and one of my players said, "Every time I hear that song I have a bad game."
~Jim Leyland.
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The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.
~Casey Stengel.
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The halo with just a little slippage, could become a noose.
~Bobby Bowden, Florida State football coach, on his team's 4-2 record in 2001.
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Ain't nobody else buying it, so I might as well eat it.
~Rod Smith, Denver Broncos wide receiver, endorsing his "Hot Rod's Poppin Popcorn" which he eats every day.
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I wouldn't even do that to a quarterback.
~Michael Strahan, New York Giants defensive end, in a public service announcement warning pet owners not to leave their dogs tied up outside in cold weather.
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Men, I want you thinking of just one word all season long, one word and one word only: Super Bowl.
~Bill Peterson, when he was head coach of the Houston Oilers.
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It's the gravy on the loco-moco.
~University of Hawaii offensive lineman Manly Kanoa, on being selected to the 2001 WAC first team.
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You don't bring Kool-Aid to a vodka party.
~Alex Shorts, Miami (Ohio) center, explaining his aggressive drive to the basket.
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Kurt would first like to thank his wife for everything he's ever done.
~Brenda Warner, wife of St. Louis Rams quarterback Kurt Warner, who did the talking at the 2001 MVP award news conference, because her husband was under doctor orders to rest his ailing vocal cords.
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I'd like to have both, but if they had both, they'd be at the University of Southern California.
~LaVell Edwards, former BYU football coach, when asked if he preferred speed or quickness in his wide receivers.
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He has junk in the trunk, he uses his assets well.
~Pat E. Fogger, on how Charles Barkely cleared space under the basket.
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"The Big Wiesy."
~Tom Lehman, describing 12 year old Hawaii golf sensation Michelle Wie, who stands 5'9".
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Old fishermen never die, they just smell that way.
~Kevin's T-shirt.
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Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can't play it.
~Ted Ray.
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I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.
~Will Rogers.
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Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour.
~Anon.
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The golf swing is like a suitcase into which we are trying to pack one too many things.
~John Updike.
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Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And it took a seven to do that.
~Jim Murray.
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Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
~Jim Bishop.
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"Play it as it lies" is one of the fundamental dictates of golf. The other is "Wear it if it clashes."
~Henry Beard.
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Through years of experience I have found that air offers less resistance than dirt.
~Jack Nicklaus, on why he tees his ball high.
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Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
~Renee Hicks.
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Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
~Jimmy DeMaret.
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There is one word in America that says it all, and that one word is, "You never know."
~Joaquin Andujar, baseball pitcher.
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You know, you never know.
~Rick Sutcliffe, ESPN baseball commentator.
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All last year we tried to teach Fernando Valenzuela english, and the only word he learned was "million."
~Tommy Lasorda, Dodgers manager.
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Eighty percent of the people who hear your troubles don't care, and the other twenty percent are glad you're having them.
~Tommy Lasorda, Dodgers manager.
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When we win, I'm so happy I eat a lot. When we lose, I'm so depressed, I eat a lot. When we're rained out, I'm so disappointed I eat a lot.
~Tommy Lasorda, Dodgers manager.
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1% of ballplayers are leaders of men. The other 99% are followers of women.
~John McGraw, baseball manager.
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Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.
~Casey Stengel, Yankees manager.
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Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
~John Updike.
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If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
~Horace G. Hutchinson.
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He is big enough to eat hay. He is enormous. Sooner or later, you've got to put in a law against guys that size.
~Dick Vermeil, Kansas City Chiefs Coach, on Leonard Davis, Arizona's 372 pound tackle.
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The last time we won here, Snoop Dogg was still a puppy.
~Coach Rudy Tomjanovich, after the Houston Rockets broke an 11 year losing streak in Orlando in 2003.
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Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good. Unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.
~Bruce Lansky
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The older you get the stronger the wind gets.....and it's always in your face.
~Jack Nicklaus
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I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine.
~Bruce Lansky
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The golf swing is like sex. You can't be thinking about the mechanics of the act while you are performing.
~Dave Hill
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I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them.
~Harry Tofcano
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You've just one problem. You stand too close to the ball after you've hit it.
~Sam Snead
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Why am I using a new putter? Because the last one didn't float too well.
~Craig Stadler
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Golf tips are like aspirin. One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle you will be lucky to survive.
~Harvey Penick
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If you grow up normal, you'll only be normal.
~Michelle Wie
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I don't think they would have shorts big enough.
~Boris Becker, on making a comeback.
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Last question.
~Yao Ming, when asked what were his favorite English words.
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You know what pressure is? It's when the cheerleaders are jumping and you don't notice their breasts.
~Al McGuire.
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I felt like a little kid, 'Hey I'm in a Grand Slam final,' and then I played like a little kid.
~Martina Navratilova, 2003 U.S. Open.
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I've got my faults, but living in the past is not one of them. There's no future in it.
~Sparky Anderson.
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A Bookie of the Month Club Selection.
~Mike Downey, Chicago Tribune columnist, on Pete Rose's 2004 autobiography.
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You gotta wear the blue blazer when you go to the big dance.
~Al McGuire, coach of Marquette, 1977 NCAA Basketball Champs, responding to a reporter's question on whether he would be wearing his lucky blazer in the tournament, thus giving the NCAA Tournament its nickname.
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So I can retire early.
~Aree Song, 17-year-old LPGA Tour rookie, when asked why she turned professional so early.
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Nope, I'm just here to play with you.
~Davis Love, when asked by his Wednesday pro-am amateur partner if he was playing in the tournament.
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I looked in the mirror and said "Charles, you are too handsome to be fat."
~Charles Barkley, on why he lost weight.
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I never played the game for money. It's obvious by my record.
~Mary Bea Porter-King, who won once during her 20-year LPGA career, at her induction into the Hawaii Golf Hall of Fame.
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The Very Good One.
~Charles Barkley's nickname for his pal Wayne Gretzky.
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I asked my priest if it was a sin to play golf on Sunday. And he said, "It's a sin for you to play anytime."
~Nick Saban, LSU football coach, on his lack of golf prowess.
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That's why I never played defense. You could get hurt playing defense.
~Charles Barkley, after a player was injured in a playoff loss.
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The 2 and 3 irons are like my mother-in-law. I'd like to hit it but I just can't.
~Sammy Rachels.
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Albuquerque is the greatest city the Lord ever made. My wife is going to be pregnant - she doesn't know this yet - and I'm going to name the kid Al B. Querque.
~Jimmy Valvano, after North Carolina State upset Houston to win the 1983 NCAA Basketball Championship in Albuquerque.
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You can't walk off the island.
~Anon, on why Dominican Republic baseball playeers are sluggers.
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I thought Manual Labor was a Mexican golf pro.
~Lee Trevino
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This year we plan to run and shoot. Next season we hope to run and score.
~Billy Tubbs, Oklahoma's basketball coach in 1979.
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One good thing about rain in Scotland. Most of it ends up as scotch.
~Peter Alliss, TV golf commentator
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I prefer fast food.
~Rocky Bridges, San Francisco Giant's coach in 1985, on why he refused to eat snails.
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How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
~Satchel Paige
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He's more likely to die on a 16-foot yacht with a 60-year-old mistress.
~Betsy Cronkite, 1986, when told that her husband, Walter, wished to die on a 60-foot yacht with a 16-year-old mistress.
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Sometimes you'll feel stuck in a rut, if it's serious, you might even want to quit. What you have to do to break out of the doldrums is take it to the next level by experimenting with different positions.
~Pat E. Fogger, on the similarity between golf and sex.
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No, but they gave me one anyway.
~Elden Campbell, 1991, when asked if he earned his degree from Clemson.
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She said "no" to Racquel.
~Gerald Welch, University of Hawaii slotback, on his wife naming their second child Vanessa.
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He was pretty good. He actually kept up with me.
~The Big Wiesy, on her father caddying for her at the 2005 SBS Open.
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Sometimes I go without eating or toilet paper.
~Ruben Santamaria, who spends about $2000/month on his Air Jordan collection, and who won a contest for the best collection of rare Nikes.
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No lose composure, lose count.
~Tommy Nakajima, when asked if he lost composure after taking a 13 on the 13th hole in the 1978 Masters.
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Sorry lady, you lose.
~Bruce Crampton, in response to his pro-am partner who said that a friend bet her $10 that he wouldn't say 5 words to her.
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Retail Therapy.
~Michelle Wie, on how she planned to recover from missing the cut at the 2005 Sony Open in Hawaii.
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When his statue goes up, it'll be in his spitting image.
~Tim Kawakami, San Jose Mercury news writer, on Gaylord Perry's number being retired.
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Ask him, I don't know what he's doing either.
~Michelle Wie, when asked about playing with her father who was her caddy at the 2005 British Open.
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Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
~Bob Hope
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I don't use computers. Yeah, I have email. But what's so hard about email. It's just "delete, delete, delete."
~Ozzie Guillen, Chicago White Sox manager, during their 2005 World Series sweep.
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That's what drove her to the convent.
~Bob Costas, after Joe Paterno told him that he once dated Joe Torre's older sister, Sister Marguerite.
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I have never used steroids. Period.
~Rafael Palmeiro, testifying before Congress
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Apparently she met a guy with a car.
~Jay Leno, on the split between Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow
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Florida got a congratulatory phone call from President Bush.. UCLA shot so poorly, it got a call from Dick Cheney.
~Jay Leno, on the 2006 NCAA basketball championship game.
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Because every club needs a good pharm team.
~Greg Cote, Miami Herald writer, on why Major League Baseball plans to sell supplements to players.
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Course Whisperer.
~Nickname of Roger Maltbie, TV golf commentator.
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He won them over the first time he puked during a game.
~June Jones, University of Hawaii football coach, on transfer quarterback Colt Brennan's popularity with the team.
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It looks like he has a divot over each ear.
~David Feherty, TV golf commentator, on John Daly's mullet.
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I was sending mental signals for the ball not to come my way, because during that time of day it's impossible for me to see the ball, so I lacked mental signals.
~Ichiro Suzuki, explaining why he dropped a fly ball.
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His press corps is bigger than mine. And we both have trouble answering questions in English.
~President Bush, on Japanese pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka.
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When it's third-and-10, you can take the milk drinkers and I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time.
~Max McGee, hard-partying Green Bay Packers receiver.
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I didn't want to bounce it, that's for certain. That's why I came in with high heat.
~President Bush, explaining the high first pitch at the opening of the Nationals Park.
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