SPECIAL EDITORIAL NOTE FROM SPORTS_NUT, 2/26/2011
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Welcome to the retirement edition of Funny Sports Quotes.
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The Funny Sports Quotes blog was created in 11/2007 after I could see I could become a blogger very easily using Google's 3-step process for creating a blog online.
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For me, like most, work is not my idea of a fun experience, so I had to choose the topic that I would most enjoy pursuing and that, for me, was finding and posting funny sports quotes for entertaining and, in some cases, educating an audience on facets of sports even the most ardent sports fans may not have been aware of.
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At the same time, I decided to compile a database of funny sports quotes that sports fans and quote fans could visit for "one-stop" shopping, thereby helping them to avoid the need to search elsewhere for sports quotes.
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So, from 11/2007 until 2/2011. I have compiled quotes on the Funny Sports Quotes blog and its sister blog, FSQuotes, that is accessible only from the Funny Sports Quotes blog.
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As of 2/26/2011, I believe I have achieved my objective first set in 11/2007, which signals for me the end of my funny sports quotes database project.
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Kindly note that I have already made the last post (SI Swimsuit) to the blog, shut off further entries to Comments, and I will shut off the email address sports.quotes@gmail.com on 03/14/2011.
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Also note that many features previously cited on this page have been removed, so that a bare-bones FSQ remains for your future reference.
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I do hope that my venture was successful in bringing a smile to your face or a skip to your step, since that was all FSQ was created for, your entertainment and pleasure.
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In closing, I wish you and yours, Godspeed!
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Wednesday, April 9, 2008

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: 100megsfree4.com

Famous Wrestling Quotes  (Insults)

100) Bobby Heenan commenting on Hoagan's entrance music
Heenan: That's my second favorite song.
Monsoon: I'm almost afraid to ask. Whats your favorite?
Heenan: All the rest are tied.

99) "Who's that, the windbreaker?" -- Paul E. commenting on Firebreaker Chip of the Patriots.

98) "ohhh yeah, dig it!" -- Randy Savage

97) "He's going to audition for the Vienna Boys' Choir!" -- Gorilla Monsoon

96) Jesse Ventura commenting on Uncle Elmer kissing his wife: "They look like to carp going after the same piece of corn."

95) Ricky Rice commenting on his 1989 heel change: "It's just like Eddie Sharkey told me along time ago...GET THE MONEY!"

94) "Who dat dere's gunna beat dat team? Who Dat? Who dat?" -- "Dirty" Dick Murdoch on teaming with Bill Watts & Jim Duggan

93) Bobby Heenan on some Jobber: "I once asked him what came at the end of the sentance... and he said "parole"."

92) "He looks like something that fell out of a deck of cards!" -- Bobby Heenan on Oliver Humperdink

91) "NO NO NO!! FIVE! FIVE!" -- King Kong Bundy

90) "Dusty Rhodes wouldn't win a body building contest for best abs, MacMahon, he'd win for MOST abs."-- Jesse Ventura

89) Paul E. commenting on War Games: "This is more dangerous than double dating with Danny Bonaduce on the Kennedy compound."

88) Gorilla & Bobby on the Rosatti sisters:
Brain: "I looked it up. You know what Rosatti means in Italian?"
Gorilla: "Sure. It means red, rich, full..."
Brian: Nope...it means lard.

87) "The Bushwhackers are living proof that the Three Stooges had children" -- Gorilla Monsoon

86) Bobby H. on the Ultimate Warrior: "This guy makes coffee nervous."

85) "Do you have any bald ice cream?" -- Bobby H.

84) "I can beat anyone, either male, female, animal, vegitable, or mineral." -- Jim Cornette

83) "Jimmy Snuka stood up, 25 feet in the air, drove his knee through my ribs, but did I allow them to carry me out on a strecher? NO! I got right up and walked out!" -- Don Muraco after Backlund announced he wouldn't wrestle the Iron Sheik due to injuries.

82) "Gene Mean, look at our body. Cameraman, zoom!" -- Iron Sheik

81) "I wanted to have a Vanna White look alike contest here, the only problem was, most of the girls who showed up look like Betty White." -- Scotty "The Body" Anthony

80) Gorilla Monsoon commenting on Nick Volkoff's singing: "If you hung him for being a good singer, you'd be hanging an innocent man!"

79) Stan Lane introducing Jim Cornette: "Ladies & Gentelman, the man who tought Pee Wee Herman everything he knows, Jim Cornette!"

78) Jim Cornette introducing Stan Lane: "Ladies & Gentelman, the man who tought William Kennedy Smith everything he knows about dating, Sweet Stan Lane!"

77) Bobby H. on the Rosatti sisters: "I see the rodeo's in town again."

76) "Hey! Everyone look at me! I'm the BAD guy" -- The Dimond Studd

75) "I'm going to give Abdulla (The Butcher) a BIG Cactus Jack hug right now!" -- Cactus Jack

74) "Hollywood Joohn Tatum? He does at least 6,000 sit ups and 10,000 pushups a day! -- Scotty Anthony"

73) "Mucken Singh works VERY hard on his brawler's physique!" -- Scott Anthony

72) "The Patriot wears that mask EVERYWHERE! Even in the shower!" -- GWF announcer <Craig?> Anderson

71) I'm so quick,m Icould spit in the wind, duck, and let it hit the old ladie behind me!" -- "Rowdy" Roddy Piper

70) Bobby H on the Rossati sisters: "The only thing they recognize is a buffet"

69) "I'm just like a giant candy cane, the ladies want to lick me all over." -- Scotty Anthony

68) "Whatcha gunna do when Hulkamanina and my 24" pythons run wild on you?!?!?!!?" -- Hulk Hogan

66) Bobby H on Frankie (Koko's bird): "If he was in my house, he'd be in a shake 'n' bake bag."

65) "Take a one way trip down to Larry Land!" -- Larry Zybisco

64) "This is for all the little Stingers" -- Cactus Jack

63) "I love the scent of burnt flesh in the morning." -- Sgt. Slughter after burning Hogan's face

62) "I guess you could call that poetry in motion." -- Jesse V after watchin the Genius smacking a jobber with his poetry plate.

61) "What can I say about this move? Nothing so I won't." -- Randy Savage on the Beverly Bros' finisher

60) "Macho madness lives forver!" -- Randy S.

59) "Yeah what were you doing at Wrestlemania? Ohhhh yeeeeah I'd like to know. You weren't there to gloat were you? No I guess you weren't." -- Randy Savege on Elizabeth being at WMVII

58) "Missy is really a man. She's a cross dresser. She hangs out with Sammartino. They shave each other's back." -- Paul E.

57) "Hey, he speaks pretty well for a guy who just ate 2 lbs of crackers." -- Bobby H on Lou Ferign's speach impediment

56) "The Judge wont allow Pee Wee to defend himself and Pee Wee knows for sure that he can get himself are." -- Jim Cornette

55) "You cannot believe the mayhem!" -- Lance Russel after a Fabulous Ones vs Moondogs match, with over 1/2 dozen foreign objects in the ring.

54) Bobby Heenan on jobber Rikki Atakki: "Once you wrestke Rikki Atakki, an hour later you want to wrestle him again."

53) Bobby H & Gorilla on Chico Santana:
Bobby H: Did you know Tito holds a place in Guiness' Book of
World Records?
Gorilla: Yeah? For what?
Bobby H: He picked 1,600 heads of lettuce in 1/2 an hour.
Gorilla: Will you stop...

52) "You know why there were only 220 Mexicans at the Alamo? They only had one car." -- Bobby H

51) " Do you know Koko B. Ware's mom's first name? Tupper." -- (For thhe 20 septillionth time) -- Bobby H

50) Roddy Piper on Ole Anderson: "He's as strong as an ox...and ALMOST as smart!"

49) Scotty Anthony to a balding GWF announcer: "I see you got a crew cut...and the crew never came back!"

48) "The Barbarian's shoes are Hair Jordans" -- Bobby H

47) "He's so big he makes a beeping noise when he walks backwords." -- Jim Cornette

46) I'm just thisclose to that world's heavyweight championship belt." -- Rusty Brooks

45) "I'll hit you so hard you'll starve to death rolling." -- Jim Garvin

44) "Eventually, even a blind squirrel will find an acorn." -- -- Jim Cornette

43) "I can't jump high, so I jump from high places." -- Cactus Jack

42) "Broken necks, splattered patellas, severed arteries: These are the things from which dreams are made of." -- Road Warrior Hawk

41) "It could be....Giant Baba!" -- Jack Tunney on who "Giant Machine" might be.

40) "I would wrestle Hulk Hogan when I'm 50 years old." -- Bob Backlund

39) "You can see the life LITERALLY oozing from his body!" -- Gorilla Monsoon

38) "Want a hot dog, McMahon?" -- Jesse Ventura

37) "Ever notice Hulk Hogan ain't got no hair on his chest? The only one who's got hair on their chest on their team is Cindy Lauper." -- Roddy Piper

36) "I told Sting that lump in his throat wasn't emotion, it was his liver!" -- Cactus Jack

35) "Just look at the way he hangs in mid air!" -- Bobby Heenan on a freeze frame of Typhoon

34) "They have Ohhhh what a feeling, but we have Ohhhh What a Rush!" -- The Legion of Doom on the Orient Express

33) "Real men wear kilts." -- Roddy Piper

34) "Tito Santana is like a cue-ball. The more you strike him, the more english you get out of him." -- Bobby Heenan

33) "The pleasure was all yours." -- Jesse Ventura

32) "I would rather hurt a man than love a woman." -- Cactus Jack

31) "I've hung & I've bung..." -- Hulk Hogan describing hanging & banging in the same tense

30) "Ric Flair, the Slim Whitman of Pro-Wrestling." -- Rowdy Roddy Piper

29) "Often immitated, but never duplicated!" -- Captain Lou Albano

28) "Oh, here he comes now, the May West of pro-wrestling." -- Roddy Piper on Ric Flair

27) "$5,000 means nothing to me! I did about $5,000 worth of damage to that nose of his!!" -- Greg Valentine after being fined for attacking Ric Flair

26) "Jerry Lawler walks in here with his crown - DA DA DUM - Imperial Margerine - and talks about what he's going to do to me. Lawler, if you think you're going to beat me, if you think you can do ANYTHING to me, than you really are the king. King of FOOLS, jack!!" -- Roddy Piper

25) Gorilla & Bobby on Adrian Adonis:
Gorilla: He's quite lethargic.
Bobby: And slow.

24) "Tommy Rich, the John-Boy of pro-wrestling." -- Roddy Piper

23) "When's the last time you went into a barber shop and saw everyone there unconsious?" -- Bobby Heenan on Beefcake

22) Roddy Piper on Warlord & his facemask: "He mighta spent a couple years under the arena training young wrestlers..."

21) Roddy Piper on Jim Duggan: "Does the tounge hanging out help his balance?"

20) "It was my pork chop. But that's ok. I ate his dog food." -- Bam Bam Bigelow

19) "I look real good and feel even better, I make a burlap sack look like a cashmere sweater." -- "Ravishing" Rick Rude

18) "Ric Flair is out there crying, his nose is running. He's probably drowning from the size of his nose running." -- Roddy Piper

17) Bobby Heenan on Kerry Von Erich: "He's the only man I know of who can hide his own easter eggs."

16) "I see Sandy Barr got himself a $4 haircut...$1 for each side." -- Scotty the Body Anthony

15) "Aww, whats the problem, gertrude? You mean to tell me that you can't walk into a bar with a $100 bill on your forehead and walk with anything, either male or female?" -- Roddy Piper to a reporter who questioned Curt Hennig's sexuality

14) "I'm the only man you wouldn't want to wrestle...if I was in shape." -- Billy Whatson

13) "When we're done with you' it'll look like we set fire to your face and put it out with an axe!" -- The Road Warriors in their AWA days

12) "He has a lower occipital proturbance!" -- Gorilla Monsoon

11) "If the Gods could build me a ladder to the heavens, I'd climb up the ladder and drop a big elbow on the world." -- Cactus Jack

10) "Rowdy Roddy cut his locks; but don't worry woman, he's still a fox." -- Roddy Piper

9) "I see you have wavey hair....its waveing goodbye!" -- Scotty Anthony to a balding GWF anouncer

8) "He has a calsium deposit on the medulla oblongota of his brain, but he is a brilliant man. This man has a BA, an MA from Havard, and a PhD from Oxford. He's a brilliant man I tell you, Mean Gene." -- Capt. Lou Albano on Buzz Sawyer

7) "Thats where he had the word "Goodyear" dermabrased off." -- Jim Cornette on Dusty Rhode's birthmark

6) "To be that man, you've got to beat the man. Woooo!" -- Ric Flair

5) "Win if you can, lose is you must, but ALWAYS cheat!" -- Jesse Ventura

4) "Ric Flair, you once called me a woman. Well, what I want to know is, how does it feel to get beat by a woman?" -- Roddy Piper

3) "Nature Boy, whats that? Do you run around the forest like Euell Gibbons, eating bark or something?" -- Roddy Piper on Flair's nickname

2) "Whether you like it or not, learn to love it, because its the best thing going. Wooooo!" -- Ric Flair

1) (After beating up Frankie Williams on Piper's Pit): "Just when you think you know the answers, I change the questions." -- "Rowdy" Roddy Piper


FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: bestbraindrain.com

HORSE RACING QUOTES
 
"It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else."
-- Grace Allen (Gracie)




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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: en.wikipedia.org

Sports (Bill Cosby Album)

Sports (1970) was an album released by Bill Cosby in 1970. It received the Grammy Award for Best Comedy Album in 1970.

Track listing

  1. Football (7:01)
  2. Bill Cosby Goes To A Football Game (6:24)
  3. Baseball (4:57)
  4. Track and Field: High Jump (10:52)
  5. Track and Field: Mile Relay (8:32)
  6. Basketball (3:37)
Sports
Studio album by Bill Cosby
Released 1970
Recorded 1970
Genre Stand-up comedy
Length 41:38
Label Uni Records
 
 




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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: loyola.edu

 
Martial Art Laws:

The Strange and Unusual


It usually takes a hundred years to make a law, and then,after the law has done its work, it usually takes another hundred years to get rid of it. These laws are still on the books, so beware.

Peshtigo, Wisconsin citizens are not allowed to practice karate on any city sidewalk.

Yateswille, New York it is illegal for anyone to ride an ugly horse when going to a martial arts competition.

Republic, Michigan no women over 200 pounds and attired in shorts may practice self-defense techniques while men are present.

Jefferson, Ohio women may not take karate lessons while in a bathing suit within this community unless she be escorted by at least two police officers or unless she be armed with a club.

amendment to the law The provisions of this statute above shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds nor shell it apply to female horses.

Cotton, Minnesota Pants with hip pockets may not be worn when working out in any of the martial arts ( a hip pocket is considered to be the perfect place to hide a pint of liquor ).

Fashion, Indians women while practicing the martial arts or merely taking lessons may not wear heels measuring longer than one-and-a-half inches.

Corry, Pennsylvania No female wearing a nightgown is allowed to practice martial arts. a women of any age must always get fully dressed before she can legally work out.

Libertyville, Illinois No married woman is allowed to go to a martial arts exhibition on the Sabbath unless she is properly looked after. ( how ) Her mate must follow 20 paces behind and is required to carry a bow over his left shoulder and a suit-able quantity of arrows.

Austin, Oregon Men may not teach karate or any other martial art while on a boat on the Sabbath.

Wedgworth, Alabama No single, widowed or divorced woman may participate in any of the martial arts on Sunday Also any unattached female who takes part in such outlandish activities can be arrested and given a jail term.

Wheeler, Mississippi Citizens are allowed to practice martial arts but may not strike a friend in jest--unless you first tell him you are just kidding around.

Pattonsburg, Missouri Citizens may not make silly and/or insulting faces at a men while he is practicing martial arts.

Halstead, Kansas Men may not take karate lessons without first having written permission from his spouse unless he's been married for more than 12 months.

Hayden, Colorado No one is allowed to duel in the town square using martial arts techniques in lieu of standard, acceptable weapons.

Bernice, Oklahoma Martial arts students are not allowed to chase skunks who are found to be freely roaming the community.

Hickory, Maryland Citizens are not allowed to tickle a female martial arts buff under her chin with a feather in order to get her attention. To do so can bring a fine of $2.50 and one day in the local jail.

Acme, Louisiana Citizens ( children or adult ), may not laugh out loud at a martial arts student going through their moves.

Shellman, Georgia Martial artist may not stand within five feet of a bar when taking a drink in any public establishment serving alcoholic beverages even if he wants only a glass of water.

Ledyard, Connecticut No one may practice martial arts while intoxicated such individual must be given a large dose of castor oil Refusal to take the castor oil will result in a fine.

Foxboro, Massachusetts No martial artist can be seen going through his moves while his shoelaces are untied.

Suffolk, Virginia Karate enthusiasts may not read the Sunday paper while training on their front porch while waiting for church to let out.

Marion, South Carolina Citizens are prohibited from whistling while practicing any of the martial arts on the Sabbath.

Boone, North Carolina Martial artists may not practice on Sunday during the half-hour period before a church service.

Tamarack, Idaho Canned goods of any kind may be opening by chopping them with the bare hand.

Waverly, Kentucky Martial art lessons may not be conducted in any bakery facility within the city limits.

Clarendon, Texas Martial artists may not snooze in a barbershop or catnap in a restaurant within city boundaries.

Sutherland, Iowa Playfully using a martial arts strike in a effort to remove a hat from the head of another is strictly prohibited.

Rudd, Arkansas A martial arts instructor must never be seen carrying an open umbrella.

Greenville, Delaware No martial artists may place his arm around a woman without a good and lawful reason.

Bluff, Utah Martial arts practitioners are banned from chewing tobacco while practicing.

Chumuckia, Florida Martial arts practitioners can chew tobacco, but they are not allowed to dip snuff while working out or while putting on an exhibition.

Bourdoville, Vermont Martial artists are prohibited from walking a tightrope while going through their moves .Martial Art Laws

Casper, Wyoming Goatees are considered illegal on any martial arts expert unless a special permit is first purchased.

Keene, New Hampshire Martial artists may not try catching fireflies while practicing karate under streetlights after dark.

The law is the last result of human wisdom acting upon human experience for the benefit of the public.The law growth of sin, and doth punish it.

The officials who wrote and passed some of this odd martial arts legislation seem to have acted for an even greater purpose A GOOD LAUGH.

 




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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: dominionderbygirls.com

About the Dominion Derby Girls

Our Mission: The Dominion Derby Girls is an all-female flat track roller derby league formed with the purpose of promoting the sport of roller derby and giving back to the community. We are a not for profit, tax exempt organization that donates volunteer time and proceeds from bouts to charitable causes in the Hampton Roads region. The Dominion Derby Girls follows all rules and regulations of the Women's Flat Track Derby Association and is a proud member of the WFTDA. Above all, we are an amateur athletic organization, priding itself on the strength and diversity of its all-female skaters. As such, we have a rigorous training and practice schedule in order to be able to participate in national competition. The Dominion Derby Girls is run by the skaters, for the skaters.

Everyone (or anyone of a certain age) remembers roller derby! If we had a nickel for every time we have heard "I used to watch that Saturday mornings on TV," we'd have enough money to get paid to play. So here is the quick and dirty story of roller derby for you history buffs out there:

Roller Derby began during the Great Depression, as a skate-a-thon type of spectacle in which the goal was to skate a track as many times as it would take to skate across the entire country. As it became more popular, roller derby evolved into the sport of the 70s with a banked track, brutal fights, and a focus on showmanship and entertainment.

Today's roller derby puts a high speed, adrenaline rushed twist on the roller derby of the past. No longer owned by "the man," today's roller derby leagues are often skater owned and operated. They skate on a flat track, and their game play puts an emphasis on speed, agility, strategy, and above all athleticism. Flat track rules are standardized by the Women's Flat Track Derby Association ( available at WFTDA.com ) and boasts 52 leagues as members, including the Dominion Derby Girls! We are proud to be a part of the newest incarnation of roller derby and showing our community that we are tough, no holds barred athletes. Roller Derby is an amazing sport, full of thrills, spills, and hard hits. We encourage anyone and everyone to come to one of our bouts and view a sport that is like no other!





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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: baseball-almanac.com

Baseball and Football

George Carlin

by George Carlin

Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.

Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.

In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.

Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.

I enjoy comparing baseball and football:

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.

Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?

In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.

In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.

Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.

Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.

In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.

And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:

In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!





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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: lyricsplaygorund.com

 
WHAT IT WAS, WAS FOOTBALL

Andy Griffith - 1954


It was back last October, I believe it was.
We was going to hold a tent service off at this college town,
and we got there about dinner time on Saturday.
Different ones of us thought that we ought to get us a mouthful to eat before we set up the tent.
So we got off the truck and followed this little bunch of people
through this small little bitty patch of woods there,
and we came up on a big sign that says, "Get something to Eat Here."

I went up and got me two hot dogs and a big orange drink,
and before I could take a mouthful of that food,
this whole raft of people come up around me and got me to where I couldn't eat nothing, up like,
and I dropped my big orange drink.
Well, friends, they commenced to move, and there wasn't so much that I could do but move with them.

Well, we commenced to go through all kinds of doors and gates and I don't know what- all,
and I looked up over one of 'em and it says, "North Gate."
We kept on a-going through there, and pretty soon we come up on a young boy and he says,
"Ticket, please."
And I says, "Friend, I don't have a ticket;
I don't even know where it is that I'm a-going!"
Well, he says, "Come on out as quick as you can."
And I says, "I'll do 'er; I'll turn right around the first chance I get."

Well, we kept on a-moving through there,
and pretty soon everybody got where it was that they was a-going,
because they parted and I could see pretty good.
And what I seen was this whole raft of people a-sittin' on these two banks
and a-lookin at one another across this pretty little green cow pasture.

Somebody had took and drawed white lines all over it and drove posts in it,
and I don't know what all,
and I looked down there and I seen five or six convicts a running up and down
and a-blowing whistles .
And then I looked down there and I seen these pretty girls wearin' these little bitty short dresses
and a-dancing around, and so I thought I'd sit down and see what it was that was a-going to happen.

About the time I got set down good I looked down there
and I seen thirty or forty men come a-runnin' out of one end of a great big outhouse down there
and everybody where I was a-settin' got up and hollered!
And I asked this fella that was a sittin' beside of me,
"Friend, what is it that they're a-hollerin' for?
Well, he whopped me on the back and he says,
"Buddy, have a drink!" I says,
"Well, I believe I will have another big orange.
I got it and set back down.

When I got there again I seen that the men had got in two little bitty bunches down there
real close together, and they voted.
They elected one man apiece,
and them two men come out in the middle of that cow pasture
and shook hands like they hadn't seen one another in a long time.
Then a convict came over to where they was a-standin',
and he took out a quarter and they commenced to odd man right there!
After a while I seen what it was they was odd-manning for.
It was that both bunchesfull of them wanted this funny lookin little pumpkin to play with.
And I know, friends, that they couldn't eat it because they kicked it the whole evenin'
and it never busted.

Both bunchesful wanted that thing.
One bunch got it and it made the other bunch just as mad as they could be!
Friends, I seen that evenin' the awfulest fight that I ever have seen in all my life !!
They would run at one -another and kick one- another
and throw one another down and stomp on one another
and grind their feet in one another
and I don't know what-
all and just as fast as one of 'em would get hurt,
they'd take him off and run another one on !!

Well, they done that as long as I set there, but pretty soon this boy that had said
"Ticket, please." He come up to me and said,
"Friend, you're gonna have to leave because it is that you don't have a ticket."
And I says, "Well, all right." And I got up and left.

I don't know friends, to this day, what it was that they was a doin' down there,
but I have studied about it.
I think it was that it's some kindly of a contest where they see which bunchful of them men can take that pumpkin and run from one end of that cow pasture to the other without gettin' knocked down or steppin' in somethin'.


 
 




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