SPECIAL EDITORIAL NOTE FROM SPORTS_NUT, 2/26/2011
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Welcome to the retirement edition of Funny Sports Quotes.
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The Funny Sports Quotes blog was created in 11/2007 after I could see I could become a blogger very easily using Google's 3-step process for creating a blog online.
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For me, like most, work is not my idea of a fun experience, so I had to choose the topic that I would most enjoy pursuing and that, for me, was finding and posting funny sports quotes for entertaining and, in some cases, educating an audience on facets of sports even the most ardent sports fans may not have been aware of.
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At the same time, I decided to compile a database of funny sports quotes that sports fans and quote fans could visit for "one-stop" shopping, thereby helping them to avoid the need to search elsewhere for sports quotes.
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So, from 11/2007 until 2/2011. I have compiled quotes on the Funny Sports Quotes blog and its sister blog, FSQuotes, that is accessible only from the Funny Sports Quotes blog.
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As of 2/26/2011, I believe I have achieved my objective first set in 11/2007, which signals for me the end of my funny sports quotes database project.
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Kindly note that I have already made the last post (SI Swimsuit) to the blog, shut off further entries to Comments, and I will shut off the email address sports.quotes@gmail.com on 03/14/2011.
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Also note that many features previously cited on this page have been removed, so that a bare-bones FSQ remains for your future reference.
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I do hope that my venture was successful in bringing a smile to your face or a skip to your step, since that was all FSQ was created for, your entertainment and pleasure.
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In closing, I wish you and yours, Godspeed!
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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: theloveofsports.com

The All-Time Best Football Names Team

By Andy Fajardo
Love of Sports Correspondent

One of the responsibilities that come with having children is figuring out what they are going to be called.

Some parents either lack any creativity, or they love their own names so much they take the easy road and name their kids after themselves, ie. George Foreman.

Other parents feel obligated to ruin any shot their children may have at succeeding in having a normal life and give them names like the ones you are about to read below.

Enjoy!

The football list is where things get a little interesting. Omitted are such winners as Alabama's defensive dynamic duo of LB Alex Butt and DT Brandon Fanney. And you also won't find former Arkansas coach Houston Nutt recruits Casey Dick and Robert Johnson.

BEST NAMES IN FOOTBALL HISTORY

QB - Jim Bob Cooter, Tennessee University: Also had an uncle named Beaver.
QB - John C. Van Dam, Michigan State: Recruited for his rocket arm and killer roundhouse kick.
QB - Zach Asack, Duke: Say it out loud, you know you want to.
RB - Ray Ray McElrathbey, Clemson: Ray, a name so nice you gotta say it twice.
RB - Little John Flowers, New York Giants: Yeeeah!!! Whaaat!!! OooK!!!
WR - Taz Knockum, Mississippi: Solid.
WR - B.J. Johnson, Tampa Bay Buccaneers: One name = two penis references.
WR - De'Cody Fagg, Florida State: He absolutely loves the Antique Roadshow. Fellow Seminole teammate WR Craphonso Thorpe is an honorable mention selection here.
WR - George Shorthose, Kansas City Chiefs: His lack of speed wasn't the only reason he couldn't go deep.
OT - Joseph Joseph, Louisiana-Monroe: See Ray Ray McElrathbey above.
TE - Kyle Sackrider, Michigan State: Kyle WHAT!! What were his parents thinking?
K - Britt Barefoot, Southern Miss: Fitting.
DE - LeQuantum McDonald, Baylor: His sister, LaCalculus also attends Baylor.
DT - Tez Doolittle, Auburn: One of my personal favorites.
LB - Dick Butkus, Chicago: Hall of Fame name. One of the main reasons I wrote this list.
CB - Knowledge Timmons, Penn State: Majoring in LeQuantum Physics.
S - Harry Colon, Detroit Lions: Instant classic.
S - Atari Bigby, Green Bay Packers

Honorable Mention: Craphonso Thorpe, Mister Simpson, Early Doucet, Ladi Ajiboye, Jahre Cheeseman, Zaire Kitchen, Dusty Mangum, Mike Cox, Xxavier Carter, Digger Phelps, Xzavier Stewart, and let's not forget BenJarvus Green-Ellis (two names in four, beat that!).

BEST NAMES IN OTHER SPORTS

Dean Windass – Soccer: The list wouldn't be complete without one name referencing farting.
Danny Shittu - Soccer: Shittme? No! Shittu, pal.
Misty Hyman - Olympic Swimmer: If you're asking why, you didn't pass anatomy.
Irina Slutskya - Olympic Figure Skater: Really popular with the male crowd for some reason.
Ron Tugnutt - Hockey: The former goalie is only rivaled by another personal NHL favorite of mine, Haken Loob.
Assol Slivets - Olympic Skier: The female freestyle-skier married Danny Shittu in a beautiful ceremony last year. Top three names list contender.

TOP THREE ALL-TIME NAMES

3. I. Perfection Harris, CB, Georgia Tech: The I. stands for Immaculate. Look it up if you don't believe me. He's also got a brother named Supreme Justice. You can't make this up.
2. Dick Trickle, NASCAR: One of my all time faves.

And the #1 name in sports history is …. Drum Roll Please!!!!

1. Lucious Pusey, LB, Eastern Illinois: Lucious Pusey is like the Roger Federer and Tiger Woods of funny name lists. His name is the gold standard by which all other funny names should be measured against. Congratulations, sir!






Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: golfchannel.com

Quotes of the Week - 01/28/2008

By GOLFCHANNEL.com Team

Editor's Note: In our Parting Shots feature, the GOLFCHANNEL.com team offers up the best quotes from the most recent week in golf.

"He was a throwback. He raised the level of every player he worked for. He could take guys who were marginal and they would play well." -- Caddie Patrick Smith, about fellow caddie Steve Duplantis, who died tragically in an accident this past week.

"Does he actually receive texts? I know I tried to text Jack (Nicklaus) one time and he doesn't know how to do that." -- Tiger Woods, when asked if he was going to text message Arnold Palmer after he officially tied him on the all-time PGA TOUR career wins mark.

"We think the interest in golf in each country will heighten when these players compete in the Masters." -- Augusta National chairman Billy Payne, in announcing the invitations to three Asian Tour players for this year's Masters Tournament.

"There's two tournaments going on. I'm going to try to win the tournament that Tiger's not playing." -- Justin Leonard, during Tiger's runaway win at the Buick Invitational. Leonard placed fourth in the B Flight.

Tiger Woods
(Getty Image)
"Eighteen is a par 5, and we both got on in regulation. He missed a 20-footer, and I made a 15-footer, uphill, left-to-right. It came out of me. That was my first fist pump. I started upper-cutting the air. It was the greatest thing I ever did in my life, beating my dad." -- Tiger again, recalling the first time he let out one of his now famous fist pumps, when he was 11 and beat his dad for the first time.


Ryuji Imada
(Getty Image)
"This is the Tiger Woods Invitational, isn't it? My goal going into today was to finish second. That's almost like winning the golf tournament to me." -- Ryuji Imada, who did indeed finish second, thus being credited as the winner of the B Flight in San Diego.


"I actually think that if the conditions stayed the same at Torrey Pines as any other golf course, I think Torrey Pines is the hardest golf course in the country." -- Phil Mickelson, talking about the Buick's host course. Lefty tied for sixth.

"What he's going to do is screw the U.S. Open up for everyone else. If he had shot 10 or 11 under, the USGA would have said, 'Well, maybe we have it in the right spot.' Now, they may have to regroup a little." -- Fred Couples, commenting on Tiger's dominant performance at Torrey Pines and how the USGA might have to alter the course set up come June to make the winning score a little higher.






Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: foxsports.com

 
QUOTES BY AND ABOUT THE WORST ATHLETES-TURNED ENTERTAINERS
 
Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James is making his move into the entertainment realm. He showed excellent acting range with his cutting-edge shoe commercial campaign. He did comedic bits and even tried some song and dance during a recent sports award show.

 

Next up will be a stint on "Saturday Night Live," following a path Peyton Manning, Lance Armstrong, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Michael Jordan, Bob Uecker, Hulk Hogan and O.J. Simpson followed to crossover commercial success.

Should he devote more time to his hosting, acting and musical careers after the 2008 Summer Olympics, here are the athlete-entertainers he definitely should NOT emulate:

1) Shaquille O'Neal

In his latest TV adventure, the over-sized Miami Heat center hosted "Shaq's Big Challenge" on ABC this summer. This reality show addressed the problem of childhood obesity.

The irony of this wasn't lost on reporters, since Shaq has struggled with his own conditioning level for years. When the New York Daily News pressed him on this seeming incongruity, O'Neal said: "I've been a freak of nature. I've never been overweight. I've always had less than 14 percent body fat . . . Right now, I'm 335 [pounds], and I plan on staying around this weight."

Whatever the case, Shaq's new venture probably won't undo the damage of his ill-advised forays into movies ("Kazaam", "Steel", etc.) and music ("Shaq Diesel", "Shaq Fu, Da Return" and so forth) during his time in Southern California. His long-stated desire to go into the law enforcement field upon his NBA retirement sounds better all the time.

2) Joe Namath

Joe Namath was cool on the football field, but not so much in front of the camera. (Andy Lyons / Getty Images)

As quarterback of the New York Jets, Joe Namath was known as "Broadway Joe." Unfortunately, "Hollywood Joe" didn't fare so well.

Entertainment Weekly recalls his 1970 biker movie "C.C. and Company" as "unintentionally funny." Subsequent efforts like "Avalanche Express", "Chattanooga Choo-Choo" and "Going Under" didn't move the bar much higher.

His color commentary career didn't endure and his most famous on-screen scene has been his intoxicated come-on ("I want to kiss you") to mortified ESPN sideline reporter Suzy Kolber during a Jets telecast.

3) Mitch Gaylord

Gymnasts have historically faltered in the entertainment realm. The most glaring example was Gaylord's unfortunate performance opposite Janet Jones in "American Anthem." So much for his dreams of capitalizing on his 1984 Olympic Gold.

Here is one review floating around the Internet: "Gaylord's acting consisted mostly of hair-swishing, teeth-gritting and a James Dean impression that might have been better performed by a finger puppet."

4) Magic Johnson

The former Los Angeles Lakers star has built a remarkable career as an entrepreneur. His business instincts, like his passing skills on the court, are uncanny.

But his infamous foray into late-night television — "The Magic Hour" in 1998 — was painful to watch. Had it been exquisitely bad, it could have been a modern version of the Martin Mull/Fred Willard classic "Fernwood 2Night." But it was just bad.

Sidekick Craig Shoemaker was no Jerry Hubbard. Playful banter, humorous ad-libs and off-the-top-of-the-head quips were in short supply. As one poster over on JumpTheShark.com observed: "I personally don't know what's more frightening — the fact that someone greenlighted this show, or the fact that someone greenlighted a show for Tony Danza."

5) Wilt Chamberlain

It is nearly impossible to determine which athlete delivered the most wooden acting performance in movie history. There are dozens of them. But "Wilt the Stilt" wasn't very animated in "Conan the Destroyer," which put that much more pressure on Arnold Schwarzenegger to carry the movie.

San Antonio Spurs star Tim Duncan uses more facial expressions after drawing one personal foul than Wilt offered in this entire movie. It's no wonder Hollywood didn't call again.

6) Lyle Alzado

He is best remembered for his craziness with the Oakland Raiders, his admissions of wholesale steroid abuse and the fatal illness his chemical experimentation may have caused. Unlike fellow defensive linemen Karras, Olsen and Dryer, he didn't stray far from his football persona with his movie roles. His range wasn't the greatest.

Alzado's earlier credits included (gulp) "Ernest Goes To Camp" and "Tapeheads." His finest hour came as a demented convict in "Hangfire"; he worked with many B-movie greats in this prison-escape classic, including George Kennedy and Jan-Michael Vincent.

When this is the highlight of your acting career . . .

7) Dennis Rodman

Like John Daly, Rodman is a one-man sideshow. He can entertain a crowd by showing up to play basketball and show off his tattoos in, say, Finland. But he shot an air ball with his action movie, joining Jean-Claude Van Damme for the disastrous "Double Team."

Rodman played an arms deal named Yaz. Even in the scenes with the great Mickey Rourke, he didn't come alive on the screen. His subsequent entertainment credits include gems like "Strippers Ball", "Dead or Alive Extreme Volleyball" and the always credible "Lingerie Bowl."

8) Brian Bosworth

"The Boz" is known more for his hair than his acting prowess. ( / Getty Images)

The movie "Stone Cold" was supposed to launch an action movie career for "The Boz." The former Seattle Seahawks linebacker infiltrated a terrorist motorcycle gang and lots of bare-chested, totally gratuitous violence ensued.

"The Rock" he was not. Big studio offers were not going to come. Bosworth continued to hack away at the acting game, scooping up roles in "Nash Bridges," the movie remake of "The Longest Yard" and "CSI Miami." He and Bubba Smith are said to be in production with a thriller called "Clown Face." Be on the lookout for that.

9) Jack McDowell

As former Cy Young Award winners go, McDowell is a fine musician. He has hung out with Eddie Vedder, toured with the Smithereens and been compared to Marshall Crenshaw. He may have inspired Bronson Arroyo. However, Black Jack has NOT enjoyed commercial success with any of his musical projects.

When an elbow injury ended his baseball career, he threw himself into his band, Stickfigure. He told Guitar.com about making his transition: "Every once in a while, when I was with the White Sox, I'd bring (the guitar) on the plane, and we'd mess around and do stuff. That was fun. There were a handful of years when I'd actually take a portable four-track on the road and kind of throw down ideas and work on songs in a hotel room."

Alas, all that down time on the road failed to produce a single hit song.

10) Hulk Hogan

The Hulkster is a great American success story, except for the part about steroids. But his movie work fell short. There seemed to be some hope for him after he appeared as the fabulous "Thunderlips" in Rocky III, but then came "Suburban Commando" . . . "Thunder in Paradise". . . "Mr. Nanny" . . . "Santa With Muscles" . . . "Muppets from Space" . . . and lots of derisive reviews from the critics.

He is rallying with the reality show "Hogan Knows Best" on VH1. Watching an over-the-hill pro wrestler guide his attractive daughter to Britney Spears-like breakout (without the substance abuse, head-shaving and mom slapping) has made for some decent TV.

DISHONORABLE MENTION: Brett Favre ("Something About Mary"), Oscar de la Hoya (latin ballads), Dick Butkus ("Hangtime"), Kurt Thomas "Gymkata"), Gheorghe Mursean ("My Giant"), John Daly (country music), Ron Artest (rap music) and Roy Jones Jr. ( rap music), Fred "The Hammer" Williamson ("First of Fear, Touch of Death").

 




Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: foxsports.com

 
QUOTES BY AND ABOUT TEN BEST ATHLETES-TURNED ENTERTAINERS
 
Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James is making his move into the entertainment realm. He showed excellent acting range with his cutting-edge shoe commercial campaign. He did comedic bits and even tried some song and dance during a recent sports award show.

Next up will be a stint on "Saturday Night Live," following a path Peyton Manning, Lance Armstrong, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Michael Jordan, Bob Uecker, Hulk Hogan and O.J. Simpson followed to crossover commercial success.

Should he devote more time to his hosting, acting and musical careers after the 2008 Summer Olympics, here are the athlete-entertainers he should learn from.

1) Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

His football career didn't last long. After playing at the University of Miami, he failed to stick with the Calgary Stampeders of the Canadian Football League. He gravitated toward pro wrestling, where his athleticism and powerful stage presence earned him millions and the chance to cross over to Hollywood.

The Rock did well enough in "The Mummy Returns" to get the starring role in "The Scorpion King." That film made him one of the most bankable commodities in the industry. Like former bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzennegger and martial artist Chuck Norris, he is box office gold in action movies.

"The Rock" smells what the red carpet is cooking. (Vince Bucci / Getty Images)
LeBron James should heed this observation The Rock offered during his "Mummy" promotional tour: "It wasn't until I hosted 'Saturday Night Live' that different offers started coming in. Before, it was like, 'We want this big wrestler guy.' I was a big fan of 'Saturday Night Live' and when I was asked to host it, I was against doing any wrestling skits. I thought it was too old-school and I wanted to show what kind of depth I had as an entertainer. I wanted to showcase it on 'Saturday Night Live.'"

2) Alex Karras

When "Paper Lion" was filmed — chronicling George Plimpton's hapless "tryout" with the Detroit Lions — defensive tackle Alex Karras stole some scenes. So he gravitated into acting after his NFL career ended in 1971, starring as the horse-punching Mongo in "Blazing Saddles," an Olympic weightlifter in "The 500-Pound Jerk," a sheriff in the immortal "Porky's" and as a bodyguard in "Victor/Victoria."

His most enduring success came in a TV sitcom, as the adoptive father in "Webster" and husband to real-life wife Susan Clark. His numerous TV and movie roles and success on "Monday Night Football" made him a standard-setter for athletes in the entertainment world.

3) Bob Uecker

His mediocre baseball career as a (mostly) back-up catcher gave him much fodder for his second career as a wisecracking broadcaster. He gained national fame for his banter with Johnny Carson during appearances on "The Tonight Show."

His success in the booth landed him memorable roles on TV (George Owens in "Mr. Belvedere") and movies (Harry Doyle "Major League"). If he had a dollar for every time somebody uttered his catchphrase "Juuuuuuuuust a bit outside" he would be even wealthier today.

Despite his considerable success in Hollywood, Uecker always returned to the broadcast booth. During his induction speech at the Hall of Fame (as a broadcaster, of course) he said this: "Of all of the things that I've done, this has always been No. 1, baseball. The commercials, the films, the television series, I could never wait for everything to get over to get back to baseball."

4) Ed Marinaro

When Officer Joe Coffey got blown away in the groundbreaking TV cop drama "Hill Street Blues," America wept along with actress Betty Thomas. That moment was the acting pinnacle for former Minnesota Vikings running back Ed Marinaro.

He appeared in shows like "Laverne & Shirley" before making it big on Hill Street. In the two decades since then, he has earned scores of credits like "Falcon's Crest," "Dynasty" and more recently "Monk."

But his performance as Officer Coffey made his career. He was only supposed to last four episodes before perishing, but his chemistry with Thomas allowed him to last five seasons. "It gave me credibility as an actor," Marinaro said recently. "There's still a stigma attached as an athlete."

5) Ray Allen

The new Boston Celtics guard is the best serious actor on this list — thanks to his surprising performance as Jesus Shuttlesworth in the movie "He Got Game." He held up just fine in Spike Lee's college basketball recruiting tale starring Denzel Washington.

"It made me so nervous because I've never acted in my life," Allen said. "People always ask me if I'm nervous playing in front of twenty or thirty thousand people. That's easy to me. But in acting, you have to connect to emotions and you have to show everybody . . . the whole world . . . what is working inside of your head and inside of your heart."

Allen's next role, in the 2001 movie "Harvard Man," did considerably less to advance his career.

6) Terry Bradshaw

After his highly successful NFL career the former Pittsburgh Steeler aimed for the big screen. "I actually wanted to be accepted, and I wanted to learn the craft of acting, the techniques — and told the agents that I found, 'I don't want big roles. I don't deserve big roles. I want to earn it, like the others do: Study . . . do little scenes'," he told the Associated Press.

He stretched to play "Terry" in the cinematic classic "The Cannonball Run," but the movie opportunities he sought never materialized. He took small TV roles here and there, dabbled with country music and starred as a NFL analyst before agreeing to co-star in the movie "Failure to Launch" last year with the likes of Matthew McConaughey, Sarah Jessica Parker and Kathy Bates.

Bradshaw was a hit, although some moviegoers will never fully recover from seeing him naked on the big screen.

7) Rick Fox

If Spike Lee raves about Fox's work in "Oz," who are we to argue? This former NBA forward gained a foothold in Hollywood during his Lakers days and has built a nice acting career.

Rick Fox went from a champion basketball player to a pretty good actor. (Noah Graham/NBAE / Getty Images)

He had a small role in "He Got Game," among other movies, and recently began a recurring role on "One Tree Hill" on Fox. He even lives the Hollywood lifestyle, with a high-profile divorce (Vanessa Williams!) and an A-list of new friends (Sharon Stone! Kristin Davis!) keeping the tabloid reporters busy.

8) Merlin Olsen

So how does a member of the Los Angeles Rams' "Fearsome Foursome" end up selling flowers for FTP and starring in such family fare as "Little House on the Prairie" and "Father Murphy"?

As the sports pages said, he was a gentle giant. Olsen earned a master's degree in economics. He made a smooth transition from the playing field to the broadcast booth. His easy, articulate delivery led him to commercial opportunities and those acting gigs.

And Olsen has lots of inspirational quotes out there, just waiting to be made into a poster. Like this one: "Perseverance isn't just the willingness to work hard. It's that, plus the willingness to be stubborn about your own belief in yourself."

9) Jim Brown

He left the Cleveland Browns for Tinseltown in his athletic prime and he scored right away with "The Dirty Dozen." Brown has acted steadily since 1964, earning credits in a diverse range of TV shows ("T.J. Hooker") and movies ("I'm Gonna Git You Sucka"). Arguably his best effort came more recently, as Montezuma Monroe in "Any Given Sunday."

"Though I never pursued my film career with excessive vigor, at first I was doing nicely," he once told Ebony. "My first three or four years in the business, I made eight films. A handful even made some money. You're not supposed to talk about things you almost got in Hollywood, but I'm talking about a lot of things I'm not supposed to, so the hell with it: I was one of the finalists for a Best Supporting Actor nomination for my work in 'The Dirty Dozen'. I acted with some of the cream of Hollywood and I like to think I didn't embarrass anybody."

America wasn't quite ready for his hot love scenes with Raquel Welch in "100 Rifles" back in 1969 — but then again Brown has made a career out of provocation.

10) Fred Dryer (tie)

Sgt. Rick Hunter became one of the great TV detective characters of all time. Fred Dryer, another former Rams defensive lineman, clicked with co-star Stepfanie Kramer and created ratings magic in this role. "It's a good action series that's tailor-made for me at this stage in my career," he said in 1985.

Dryer has played a variety of other TV and movie roles over the years, but will always be remembered for his long-running success in "Hunter" and all its subsequent incarnations. (He was considered for the role of Sam Malone in "Cheers," but that role went to Ted Danson instead . . . and the rest is history.)

10) Bubba Smith (tie)

A serious actor he was not. The legendary NFL defensive end (primarily with the Baltimore Colts) played for laughs when he moved into show business. His deadpan Miller Light commercials ("easy-opening can") helped set a standard for future jock pitchmen.

He developed the character Moses Hightower for the amazing "Police Academy" franchise. Less memorable was the 1984 TV series "Blue Thunder" with fellow beer pitchman and small-role comedic actor Dick Butkus.

HONORABLE MENTION: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar ("Airplane"), O.J. Simpson ("Naked Gun" series), Lance Armstrong ("Dodgeball"), Kelly Slater ("Baywatch"), Cam Neely ("Dumb and Dumber"), Dan Marino ("Ace Ventura, Pet Detective"), Randall "Tex" Cobb ("Raising Arizona"), Lawrence Taylor ("Any Given Sunday"), Bernie Williams (jazz music), Wayman Tisdale (jazz music), Marty McSorley ("Con Air"), Julius Erving (The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh"), Howie Long ("Broken Arrow"), Andrew The Giant ("The Princess Bride"), George "The Animal" Steele ("Ed Wood") and Alex English ("Amazing Grace and Chuck").

 
 




Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: 100percentinjuryrate.blogspot.com

BASEBALL QUOTES

September '92 on Gary Sheffield's days in Milwaukee: "The Brewers brought out the hate in me. I was a crazy man. . . . I hated everything about the place. If the official scorer gave me an error I didn't think was an error, I'd say, 'OK, here's a real error,' and I'd throw the next ball into the stands on purpose.' "

On his hatred of Milwaukee: "Everything you asked for in Milwaukee you didn't get—Ask for good weather, you don't get it. Ask for a good playing surface, you don't get it. Ask for a first-class organization, you don't get it."

On his having two kids with two women by age 17: "That was part of my plan. I didn't want to be the typical athlete who's single all his career. I wanted the all-American family, and I did it the wrong way."

On carrying a gun (he also took one to school in eighth and ninth grade): "It ain't changed because I got in the league. It just made me get more of them."

Sheff, a born-again Christian, on teammate Shawn Green missing a game with the Dodgers because of Yom Kippur during a crucial pennant stretch: "Religion is an important thing as long as you worship the right God."

July '05 after punching a fan in the right-field stands at Fenway: "What did I do to be a villain?" Sheffield listened patiently as someone recounted the reasoning. "Well, I mean you can't look at it that way. I didn't initiate it. It's a situation where I showed restraint, and I moved on from there."

May '89 on Milwaukee pitchers who won't throw at opposing batters even though opposing pitchers kept throwing at him: "Only two, three pitchers have helped me out. The rest have been girls. They won't throw at anybody if you paid them. I've been thrown at in every park I've played in."

In June 2005 On whether he would participate in next year's World Baseball Classic: "My season is when I get paid. I'm not doing that...I'm not sacrificing my body or taking a chance on an injury for something that's made up. This isn't the Olympics. That's a big difference. This is something you made up."

On the '04 Red Sox: "They're a walking disaster. They act like they're tough, how they care so much about winning, but it's all a front. They're just a bunch of characters."

On his non-reaction to getting intentionally beaned by Boston's Curtis Leskanic in 2004: "I know Leskanic. His brother did my pool."

Explaining that a hitting slump in 2007 was mental: "I could have bad mechanics and get hits. I don't worry about that, because I'm not really a mechanically-sound guy. It's more between my ears."

June '05 after being rumored in a trade to the Mets for Mike Cameron: "It don't make a difference who it is. If I didn't choose to go there, things are gonna have to change about my whole situation, contract, years, everything. Other than that, you might as well not bother trading for me, cause you're gonna have a very unhappy player. You gonna inconvenience me, I'm gonna inconvenience every situation there is. I mean, the only reason I'm playing is 'cause I wanna play for the Yankees."

January '02 to the Associated Press: "Barry told me what I have to do to finish my career as a Hall of Famer. I want to end my career with the Atlanta Braves and be a Hall of Famer with the Atlanta Braves."

On "Game of Shadows," which spells out Bonds' alleged use of steroids: "I don't even know what the book says. I never read it."

From a 2006 interview with Newsday on who on the Yankees would look out for A-Rod now that he (Sheff) was gone: "Nobody. You all got to get ready. You all got to get ready. There's nobody."

In response to the Hartford Courant asking him in 2004 about whether winning an MVP award would mean anything to him: "No."

On his childhood: "I was hyper as a kid. My parents sent me to the hospital to get checked out. I was probably ADD (attention-deficit disorder). Still am."


On life in general: "Most people figured I'd be in jail. I've been proving people wrong my whole life."