FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: images.cnnsi.com

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SPORTS QUOTES

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Sports quotes of 2002
Posted: Tuesday December 24, 2002

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WINTER OLYMPICS

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Salt Lake City was already under scrutiny as host of the first major event in the United States after the September 11 attacks but within days a figure skating scandal threatened to overshadow the Games.

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"We had a gold medal performance and now I own a gold medal. This silver medal story had become bigger than any silver medal." -- Canadian David Pelletier after he and partner Jamie Sale were awarded duplicate gold medals following the pairs judging scandal.

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"To be up there with my teammates was all the better because of the events of September 11. Our team typified the spirit of America -- good, clean, hard-working guys just honored to be Olympic athletes." -- Mike Eruzione, captain of the 1980 ice hockey team who lit the Olympic flame.

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"I feel like a criminal out here. They look inside my racing suit as if they want to check my underwear." -- Russia's cross-country skier Larisa Lazutina, a five-time gold medallist, about tight security.

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"My mother hasn't a clue what skiing is. She still cooks food stirring with twigs. She is a peasant woman." -- Nepalese cross-country skier Jay Khadka.

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"I don't want to say that one is more beautiful than the other. It's the same as having sex -- every time is beautiful." -- Austria's Andreas Schifferer when asked how his super-G skiing bronze compared to his 1998 World Cup downhill title.

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SOCCER WORLD CUP

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The final had a familiar feel when Brazil lifted its fifth World Cup after beating three-times champions Germany 2-0 on June 30.

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But there were still plenty of shocks as defending champion France and Argentina made early exits.

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"Well what do you know: God isn't an Argentinian." -- Headline in Argentine tabloid Ole after the team fail to qualify for the second round.

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"We sacrificed 1,000 soldiers to defend Korea and one Korean has killed 70 million Turks with this decision." -- Turkish FA president Halak Ulusoy on a referee's decision to award Brazil an 87th-minute penalty during the group stages. Turkey lost 2-1.

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"That gentleman will never set foot in Perugia again. I have no intention of paying a salary to someone who has ruined Italian soccer." -- Perugia chairman Luciano Gaucci on axing South Korea's Ahn Jung-hwan from the club after he scored the goal which knocked out Italy.

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"I'm sure sex wouldn't be as rewarding as winning the World Cup. It's not that sex isn't good but the World Cup is every four years and sex is not." -- Ronaldo after helping Brazil to victory with his two goals in the final.

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OTHER SOCCER

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"The players don't appear to understand that football is a full-time job, seven days a week. Half-an-hour after the match they're playing cards again and making big-shot comments. They go and eat their free scampi after the game, while I go home with indigestion watching them play like that and am up all night because I can't sleep." -- Bayern Munich commercial manager Uli Hoeness after his team lost to bottom-placed St Pauli 2-1 in a German first division match in February.

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"When I win I am lucky and when I lose I am a donkey." -- Italian-born Chelsea coach Claudio Ranieri on trying to win over his critics.

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"No problem... we've got enough shrimps." -- Norwegian soccer club Floey's chairman Rolf Guttormsen after Vindbjart agreed to sell striker Kenneth Kristensen in return for his weight in shrimps.

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BOXING

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"I wish he was dead... I wish I could kill him, now." -- Mike Tyson ahead of his June fight with world heavyweight champion Lennox Lewis.

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"I am definitely not scared of Mike Tyson. I am at the top of the food chain and he is looking to knock me off. Mike's an arrogant imbecile. He sounds like a cartoon character." -- Lewis in May.

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TENNIS

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"I sure am worth a major bank, I definitely am. I'm really exciting, I smile a lot, I win a lot and I am really sexy." -- American Serena Williams on the prospects of new sponsorship deals after her Wimbledon title.

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"It's a real ripper." -- Australian Lleyton Hewitt on his first Wimbledon singles title.

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"I think surely I'd be a struggling college student, fighting for the next Cup of Noodles. At least I can fight for the next filet mignon here." -- Venus Williams on what she might have become without tennis.

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"Normally I went to tournaments to work hard but now I actually use tournaments as a rest." -- Dutchman Richard Krajicek describes the difference now that he has a young family at home.

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"My ego was saying I should play but I realised that Mikhail (Youzhny) would give a better effort than I could. I am proud of what I did -- I sent my ego back to Siberia." -- Yevgeny Kafelnikov about stepping down from playing the deciding fifth match in the Davis Cup final against France, which Russia won in December.

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"The good thing was, it couldn't get any worse." -- Andre Agassi of his position at two sets and a break down before he came back to beat Paul-Henri Mathieu in five sets in the French Open fourth round.

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MOTOR RACING

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"I'm still hungry for more." -- Ferrari's Michael Schumacher after winning the final Formula One race of the season.

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"I am not a legend, just someone who is lucky enough to do well at something that he really enjoys." -- Schumacher.

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"When I started racing my father told me 'Cristiano, nobody has three balls but some people have two very good ones."' -- CART champion and new F1 driver Cristiano Da Matta.

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"What people started to think of Formula One was that it was bloody boring because the same team was winning. And not only that but they are taking the Mickey as well." -- Formula One supremo Bernie Ecclestone after the controversial Austrian "team orders" grand prix in May.

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"Ferrari ruin everything." -- headline in Italy's Gazzetta dello Sport after Austria.

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"No way. It's like expecting to go have lunch on the moon." -- Renault boss Flavio Briatore on his team's chances of winning a Formula One race.

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GOLF

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."All I did was lead them (the players) to the water and they drank copiously." -- European captain Sam Torrance after his team pulled off victory over the United States in the 34th Ryder Cup in September.

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"There are 12 guys here but we were led by the infamous Colin Montgomerie, who was magnificent all week. Bad heart, bad back, and he'll have a bad head tomorrow." -- Torrance on his fellow Scot.

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"These days, you play the golf course and you play Tiger. You can beat the field but it doesn't mean you're going to beat Tiger." -- British Open champion Ernie Els on Woods's dominance of the sport before the start of the tournament.

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"Two majors is still a great year. I think sometimes the media and everybody tend to lose perspective on how difficult it is to win a major championship." -- Woods on his failure to win the grand slam after a disastrous outing at the British Open.

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CYCLING

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"She shouted at me. She's like that, she always does it. She knows how hard I train and the sacrifices I make and she wants to protect me. She thinks I should go to church every day." -- Italian Saeco rider Gilberto Simoni on his mother's reaction to his positive cocaine test.

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"I like what I do. For me it's a hobby and a job. I'm passionate about cycling. I get a lot of enjoyment out of trying to win the Tour de France." -- American Lance Armstrong on his way to winning his fourth consecutive Tour de France in July.

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"I cannot understand how Jan, who was in rehabilitation, can find himself in a disco at three in the morning." -- Deutsche Telekom manager Walter Godefroot in July after 1997 Tour winner Jan Ullrich admitted taking amphetamine tablets in a disco while recovering from knee surgery.

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ATHLETICS

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"He is a very nice boy but he is weak when it comes to alcohol." -- Paal Arne Fagernes's manager Tor Krageboen after the javelin thrower spent a night in an Oslo jail after a drinking spree.

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SKI JUMPING

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."I felt so hot even though it was so cold. If the event had gone on for another day I think I would have just died or all my hair would have fallen out." -- German Sven Hannawald in January after becoming the first ski jumper to win all four legs of the prestigious Four Hills tournament.

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HORSE RACING

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"The Melbourne Cup doesn't mean anything to me any more. I'd give it away right now to have my brother back." -- Jockey Damien Oliver who won the Melbourne Cup in November the week after his older brother Jason died following a racetrack fall.

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"We're done. We've got no shot." -- U.S. trainer Bob Baffert's reaction as War Emblem, seeking to complete the Triple Crown in the Belmont Stakes, stumbled out of the starting stalls.

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CRICKET

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"They have to be the best side that I've seen, without doubt. The batting is outstanding, the bowling is pretty good too and the fielding is brilliant, just brilliant." -- Keith Miller, a member of Don Bradman's 1948 "Invincibles," on Australia's cricket side in November.

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"You have to look at all the positives he made in South African cricket and not the mistakes." -- Gerald Majola, chief executive of South Africa's United Cricket Board, at Hansie Cronje's funeral after the disgraced former South African captain died in a plane crash in June.

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"I thought I'd make this innings a fitness session." -- Aravinda de Silva after scoring 206 against Bangladesh in Colombo in July.

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"For all Bradman's achievements, Tendulkar is the closest thing to batting perfection I've seen -- in terms of technique and temperament." -- Sunil Gavaskar on Sachin Tendulkar after he recorded his 30th test century, one more than Bradman, in August against England.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: hoofshots.com

JOHN MADDEN AND HIS FAVORITE MODE OF TRANSPORTATION

Image: spokesmanreview.com

SPORTS QUOTES

"FSU must stand for Free Shoe University." Steve Spurrier after an FSU scandal.

"3rd string deserves to score too."Steve Spurrier after being questioned on running up the score.

"Why wouldn't I score every chance I get, if I don't isn't that shaving points? I think that is illegal."Some Oklahoma Coach after being questioned on running the scores up.

"I'm always open. I mean seriously.. I am always open. New year, same question, how do you stop 85?" - Chad Johnson

"The defender can't hit him in practice, it's like holding a cookie out but not giving it to him. So when the game comes, he really wants that cookie, so he goes all out for it, he wants the cookie, give him the cookie, give the defender a cookie!" - Madden talking about a defender and how they're not allowed to hit the QB during practice.

(on Hideo Nomo)"He's the biggest thing to hit Japan since they dropped that bomb on Nagashima!"

"Well, folks, this game began as a tiny worm, and is blossoming into a large cobra."

"He ran to second faster than a cat in Chinatown."
Mike Shannon (above 3 quotes)

Almost everything Tyson:
"I try to catch him right on the tip of the nose, because I try to push the bone into the brain."

"My power is discombobulatingly devastating I could feel his muscle tissues collapse under my force. It's ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm."

"I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating."

Now we go to Sir Charles Barkley:
"The only thing Christian Laettner has in common with Larry Bird is they both pee standing up."

I'd never buy my girl a watch... she's already got a clock over the stove.

A classic '92 Dream Team quote, after the USA played Angola and Charles had elbowed an Angolan national team member in the chest. When asked about it, he responded: "I shouldn't have done that. He probably hasn't eaten in weeks."

A few more Madden classics:
“When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it to.”

"Hey, the offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they're bigger than everybody else, and that's what makes them the biggest guys on the field.”

"Here's a guy who when he runs, he moves faster."

"Usually, the team that scores the most points is going to win it"

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: xlab.co.uk

SOCCER QUOTES
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Quotes by Bobby Robson
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“Jenas is a fit lad. He gets from box to box in 90 mins.”
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“He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself, nobody will catch him.”
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“My father had 5 sons, I had 4 brothers.”
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“If we start counting our chickens before they hatch, they won't lay any eggs in the basket.”
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“They're 2 points behind us, so we're neck and neck.”
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“I'm not going to look beyond the semi-final - but I'd love led Newcastle out at the final.”
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“Well we got nine and you can't score more than that.”
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“I do want to play the short ball and I do want to play the long ball. I think long and short balls is what football is about.”
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“Eighteen months ago they (Sweden) were arguably one of the best three teams in Europe, and that would include Germany, Holland, Russia and anybody else if you like.”
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“He never fails to hit the target, but that was a miss.”
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“I'd say he's the best in Europe, if you put me on the fence.”
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“Tottenham have impressed me: they haven't thrown in the towel even though they have been under the gun.”
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“I played cricket for my local village. It was 40 overs per side, and the team that had the most runs won. It was that sort of football.”
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“The first 90 minutes are the most important.”
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“There will be a game where somebody scores more than Brazil, and that might be the game that they lose.”
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“We don't our players to be monks, we want them to be football players because a monk doesn't play football at this level.”
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“All right, Craig Bellamy came on at Liverpool and did well, but everybody thinks that he's the saviour, he's Jesus Christ. He's not Jesus Christ.”
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“We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought.”
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“Denis Law once kicked me at Wembley in front of the Queen in an international. I mean, no man is entitled to do that, really”
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“Hitler didn't tell us when he was going to send over those doodlebugs, did he?” - On why he was refusing to name his England team before a World Cup qualifer against Sweden in 1989.
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“Look at those olive trees. They're two hundred years old - from before the time of Christ!”
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“Players never know why they are taken off or substituted - until they become managers.”
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“Anything from 1-0 to 2-0 would be a nice result.”
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“Home advantage gives you an advantage.”
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“In a year's time, he's a year older.”
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“The margin is very marginal.”
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“Their football was exceptionally good - and they played some good football.”
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“Until we're out of the Champions' League we're still in it.”
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“Gary Speed has never played better, never looked fitter, never been older.”
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“Everyone's got tough games coming up. Manchester United have got Arsenal, Arsenal have got Manchester United and Leeds have got Leeds.”

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: various joke sites

R. I. P. May 12, 1937 - June 23, 2008

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101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes

The man who said “life is worth losing” was born May 12, 1937 in New York City and for the last 47 years he’s been doing stand-up comedy better than anyone else on the planet. In the process he’s pissed off a lot of people and accumulated some of funniest, and most controversial, quotes known to man. Even a list of 101 quotes is just scratching the surface. In no particular order here are his 101 best…

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Ed's Note: Sports-related jokes are highlighted below.

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I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

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Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

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Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?

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I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

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I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

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If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

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Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

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If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

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No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

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There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.

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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

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Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

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Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

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If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.

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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

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Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

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Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”

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As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

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If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

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The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

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I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

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I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

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If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

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You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.

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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

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Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

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Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

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I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

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I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. .

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When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.

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Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

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I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.

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I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.

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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

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Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place?

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There’s such balance in nature. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker.

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It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.

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Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

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I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

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Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

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Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

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God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

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I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

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One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

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If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

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What year did Jesus think it was?

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George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

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Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

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In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

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“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

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No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.

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Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.

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The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

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The future will soon be a thing of the past.

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The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

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The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

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Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

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The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

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I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

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Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

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“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians! Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”

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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

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Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.

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Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

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Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

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I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

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Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.

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The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

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If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

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“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

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“No comment” is a comment.

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If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

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You can’t argue with a good blowjob.

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Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

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So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

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Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

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Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

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When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

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The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

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I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

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If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

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Hooray for most things!

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Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

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I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

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What was the best thing before sliced bread?

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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

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Life is a zero sum game.

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Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

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I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

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It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

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Ed's Note:

Apologies to anyone who may have been offended

by George Carlin's X-rated, counter-cultural humor.

While his humor is not polictically correct, it is never

intended to disrepect or offend any person or group.

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Image: lovefilm.com