FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sports.aol.com

 Redskins' Cheerleaders Visit India, Some Locals Think They Show Too Much Skin

Posted Apr 20th 2008 7:42PM

The Washington Redskins' cheerleaders are spending a couple of weeks in India on a goodwill tour to help create a cheerleading squad for a cricket team that the team says will be the first cheerleading squad in Indian history.
The reception they're getting is mixed. The Washington Post reports that some fans welcomed the cheerleaders enthusiastically:

"The cheerleaders are heroes in their ability to make people excited," exclaimed the merry Kerala, a 30-year-old doctor of traditional ayurvedic medicine, as friends crowded around him, cheering in agreement. "They have great spirit."

"They're the only reason I am here. I wanted to treat myself," declared Setty Bishum, 55. The crowd swept him along, but he shouted back one more observation: "It's a new era for cricket -- hooray for American cheerleaders!"

But the Post also reports that some think women should dress more modestly, adding, "Some TV pundits pointed out that the Redskins cheerleaders are showing more skin on the cricket pitch than most Indian men will see before marriage."

Those opponents aside, is there any doubt that this will catch on? Said Indian sports commentator Boria Majumdar, "Sexuality and cricket is the way forward."

---

Need a new ride? Check out the largest site for U.S. used car listings at AOL Autos.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: geocities.com

Rules for Bedroom Golf

1.   Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two balls.

2.   Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3.   Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4.   For more effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.

5.   Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

6.   Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

7.   The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete.

8.   Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

9.   It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course.

10. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

11. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played.

12. Upset course owners have been knowen to damage players equipment for this reason.

13. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

14. Players should assure that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time.

15. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing on what they consider to be a private course.

16. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.

17. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair.

18. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.

19. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

20. The course owner is responsible for the manicuring and pruning any brush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with an approach to the hole.

21. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

22. Slow play is encouraged.

23. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at least temporarily at the course owner's request.

24. It is considered outastanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

25. The course owner will be the only judge of who is the best player.

 

---

Need a new ride? Check out the largest site for U.S. used car listings at AOL Autos.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: pasturegolf.com

 

Golf Quotes

 

"Golf is a game, perverse; one day you score much better, the next time it's much worse." - C.E., 8/1/05

 

"I do think the competition for the golf dollar is starting to heat up in my neck of the woods, which is a good thing." - R.A., 5/24/04

 

"You've just one problem. You stand too close to the ball--after you've hit it." - Sam Snead

 

"I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them." - Harry Tofcano

 

"When it's breezy, hit it easy." - Davis Love, Jr.

 

"You can't go into a shop and buy a good game of golf." - Sam Snead

 

"Played eighteen holes with a client last Saturday. Got my ass kicked. Now I can send him his invoice." - Ingo Stroup

 

"If some players took a fork to their mouths the way they take the club back, they'd starve to death." - Sam Snead

 

"There are no short hitters on the tour anymore—just long and unbelievably long." - Sam Snead

 

"Golf got complicated when I had to wear shoes and begin thinking about what I was doing." - Sam Snead

 

"When the path ahead of you is uphill, surrounded by rough spots, hazards and obstacles: use a pitching wedge." - Lee Bracken

 

"I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool." - George Brett

 

"One hundred years of experience had demonstrated that the game is temporary insanity practiced in a pasture."
- Dave Kindred

 

"I'm gambling that when we get into the next life, Saint Peter will look at us and ask, "Golfer?" And when we nod, he will step aside and say, "Go right in; you've suffered enough." One warning, if you do go in and the first thing you see is a par 3 surrounded by water, it ain't heaven."
- Jim Murray

 

"It's the most humbling sport ever. It's like a lousy lover. It's like some guy who's never there when you need him. Every once in a while, he comes and makes you feel like heaven on earth.. And then the moment you say, 'I really need this,' he's gone." - Dinah Shore

 

"Playing golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture." - Sir Winston Churchill

 

"Golf is, in part, a game; but only in part. It is also in part a religion, a fever, a vice, a mirage, a frenzy, a fear, an abscess, a joy, a thrill, a pest, a disease, an uplift, a brooding, a melancholy, a dream of yesterday, and a hope for tomorrow." - New York Tribune (1916)

 

"By the time you get to your ball, if you don't know what to do with it, try another sport." - Julius Boros, a U.S. Open and PGA champion

 

"If a man comes home with sand in his cuffs and cockleburs in his pants, don't ask him what he shot." - Old Saying

 

"Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that." - Jim Murray

 

"Frankly, I don't like their selection of argyle here at all."-Comment overheard in an up-scale pro-shop.

 

"Baffling late-life discovery: Golfers wear those awful clothes on purpose."
- Herb Caen

 

"I miss. I miss. I miss. I make." - Seve Ballesteros' description of his four-putt at No. 16 at Augusta in 1988.

 

"Watching the Masters on CBS is like attending a church service. Announcers speak in hushed, pious tones, as if to convince us that something of great meaning and historical importance is taking place. What we are actually seeing is grown men hitting little balls with sticks." - Tom Gilmore

 

"He's hit it fat.... It will probably be short.... It just hit the front edge of the green.... It's got no chance.... It's rolling toward the cup.... Well I'll be damned!" - Jimmy Demaret

 

"Swing hard in case you hit it." - Dan Marino

 

"My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered." - Lord Robertson

 

"There's something I call the 'television effect'. Golfers watch the U.S. National Tournament at the Augusta [Georgia] golf course, one of the world's great courses. The course has been styled to appear perfect for a TV show, although it doesn't look that good for the rest of the year. But golfers around the country see that magnificent-looking course, and then pressure their local golf course managers to replicate the Augusta course even though the local climate, soils, and native plants may not be at all like those in the Southeast." - Michael Alexander, chair of the Sierra Club's Presidio Task Force in San Francisco, California (Environmental Health Perspectives, August 1998)

 

"Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball, repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end." - Chuck Hogan

 

"Samuel Ryder, the originial patron of the Ryder Cup, was buried with his 5-iron, the only sensible thing to do with any golf club, really." - Bernie Lincicome, Chicago Tribune

 

"Just you wait -- it's going to be hailing golf balls the size of basketballs before long!" - Dan Gluesenkamp

 

"To play golf you need goofy pants and a fat ass." - Happy Gilmore

 

"Real pressure in golf is playing for $10 when you've only got $5 in your pocket." - Lee Trevino

 

"Never break your putter and your driver in the same round or you're dead." - Tommy Bolt

 

"Golf is typical capitalist lunacy." - George Bernard Shaw

 

"Unfortunately, the suit is so stiff, I can't do this with two hands, but I'm going to try a little sand-trap shot here." - Alan Shepard, Apollo 14 Commander January 31 - February 9, 1971, Astronaut, Amateur Golfer during his golf shot on the moon.

 

"Got more dirt than ball. Here we go again." - Alan Shepard, Apollo 14 Commander, Astronaut, Amateur Golfer preparing to take another swing for a golf moon shot.

 

"Miles and miles and miles." - Alan Shepard, Apollo 14, after connecting with his second golf ball on the moon.

 

"He topped and buried it on the first swing. I assume that the six-iron was snuck on board." - Jones talking about Alan Shepard's Apollo 14 lunar golf game.

 

"Because of the suit I was wearing, I couldn't make a good pivot on the swing. And I had to hit the ball with one hand." - Alan Shepard talking about his moon shot.

 

"The suit was so clumsy, being pressurized, it was impossible to get two hands comfortably on the handle and it's impossible to make any kind of a turn. It was kind of a one-handed chili-dip." - Alan Shepard talking about his moon shot to Ottawa Golf magazine.

 

"Then I thought, with the same clubhead speed, the ball's going to go at least six times as far. There's absolutely no drag, so if you do happen to spin it, it won't slice or hook 'cause there's no atmosphere to make it turn." - Alan Shepard talking about his moon shot to Ottawa Golf magazine.

 

"G is for Green, that's constructed to roll In every direction away from the hole." - Richard Armour, Golf Is a Four-Letter Word.

 

---

Free email, web pages, news, entertainment, weather and MORE!
Check out -------------------------------> http://wowmail.com

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: footy-boots.com

Football's Top 15 Insults!

Cricket is the sport where the art of sledging is almost as important as the game itself, but what do you think of these football insults?

In anticipation of the start of the new season on 11 August, here at Footy-Boots HQ, we have been thinking back to one of the more humorous aspects of football that really helps to spice up the beautiful game… the comical insult.

Here's the top 15 football related insults, as featured on The Times Newspaper's website, where they have a Top 50 sports insults.

 

15 "Football is all right as a game for rough girls but is hardly suitable for delicate boys."
Oscar Wilde makes a fair comment - years before anyone started diving to win free kicks.

 

14 "Hijo de puta."
Early in his career with Real Madrid, David Beckham gets into trouble for calling a linesman a son of a whore in Spanish and receives a redcard. Beckham later said (in English): "I didn't realise what I had said was that bad. I had heard a few of my team-mates say the same before me."

 

13 "I'm not as nice as all that. In fact, I swore only last week."
Gary Lineker is not above self-mockery.

 

12 "Alan Shearer, he's boring isn't he? We call him Mary Poppins."
Freddy Shepherd, the chairman of Newcastle United, doesn't sound too convinced of the worth of a man he had paid £15 million to sign.

 

11 "I don't think heading a ball has got anything to do with it, footballers are stupid enough anyway."
A Premier League spokesman in 1995 comments on a report that brain cells are damaged by heading balls.

 

10 "Everyone thinks they have the prettiest wife at home."
Arsene Wenger's reply to Sir Alex Ferguson in 2002 when the United manager claims his side had been the best team in the Premiership.

 

9 "He cannot kick with his left foot, he cannot head a ball, he cannot tackle and he doesn't score many goals. Apart from that he's all right."
George Best sums up the many talents of David Beckham.

 

8 "Stone me! We've had cocaine, bribery and Arsenal scoring two goals at home. But just when you thought there were no surprises left in football, Vinnie Jones turns out to be an international player."
Jimmy Greaves is shocked when the Wimbledon hard man is selected for his first cap, of eight, for Wales.

 

7 "Somebody compared him to Billy McNeil, but I don't remember Billy being crap."
Tommy Docherty, the legendary football coach, on Rangers' Italian flop Lorenzo Amoruso in 2000.

 

6 "If David Seaman's dad had worn a condom, we'd still be in the World Cup."
A harsh but possibly fair assessment of England's defeat to Brazil in the 2002 World Cup by the comedian Nick Hancock.

 

5 "Only if there's an outbreak of bubonic plague."
Giovanni Trapattoni gives a blunt answer when asked if he will select Paolo Di Canio for his Italy World Cup squad in 2004.

 

4 "The local girls are far uglier than the ones in Belgrade. Our women are far prettier and they don't drink as much beer."
Georgi Hristov, of Macedonia, spoils his relationship with the locals when describing women at his new football club in Barnsley.

 

3 "He covers every blade of grass, but that's only because his first touch is crap."
Dave Jones, the football manager, is honest about Carlton Palmer's skills.

 

2 "You were a crap player, you are a crap manager. The only reason I have any dealings with you is that somehow you are manager of my country and you're not even Irish, you English ****. You can stick it up your bollocks."
What Roy Keane allegedly said to Mick McCarthy, the Ireland manager, that got him sent home from the 2002 World Cup. Keane is now a responsible Premier League manager.

 

1 Whatever Marco Materazzi said about Zinedine Zidane's sister or his mother or terrorism. No one is quite sure what the Italy defender actually said during the 2006 World Cup final, but Materazzi's insult riled Zidane so much that he headbutted him in the chest and was sent off.

 

---

Free email, web pages, news, entertainment, weather and MORE!
Check out -------------------------------> http://wowmail.com

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: rateitall.com

 

BASEBALL UMPIRE INSULTS

 

Did you make the call on WMDs in Iraq too?

 

Hey Blue, ask your dog.

 

Were you a lookout at Pearl Harbour? (2)

 

Don't bother brushing off the corner's blue, you're not calling them anyway

 

I've seen better eyes on a potato

 

You couldn't call a cab

 

Open your good eye

 

I thought only horses slept standing up

 

Wake up blue, you're missing a great game

 

We know you're blind, we've seen your wife

 

Did you lose your strike zone in the lights

 

They're putting your strike zone on milk cartons

 

Nice call, Mr. Magoo

 

Wipe the dirt off that called strike

 

How did you become an umpire? Flunk out of tollbooth school?

 

---

Free email, web pages, news, entertainment, weather and MORE!
Check out -------------------------------> http://wowmail.com

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: xehra.com

NHL COMMENTATOR QUOTES  (2001 - 2002)

 

Colour Analyst: He stops pucks like it's his job!

Play-by-Play Announcer: Isn't it?

Colour Analyst: Good point!

 

Play-by-Play Announcer: Bertuzzi gets called for Interference. They'll be short one player.

Colour Analyst: Why go after that guy? He might as well have hauled down a fan!

 

Colour Analyst: That's one way to open up the scoring!

Play-by-Play Announcer: You would've prefered something else?

Colour Analyst: No, that one was just fine.

 

Play-by-Play Announcer: HE SCORES! Wow Don, that was really incredible! Colour Analyst: Well, then don't eat it.

 Play-by-Play Announcer: I said incredible!

 

Colour Analyst: Shouldn't the goalie maybe have had that one?

 Play-by-Play Announcer: Pretty much.

Colour Analyst: I see.

Play-by-Play Announcer: I know you would.

Colour Analyst: Hmm.

 

Play-by-Play Announcer: Vancouver is laying all kinds of hardship on them now. Colour Analyst: I haven't seen this kind of schelackin' since my pankake incident!

 

Play-by-Play Announcer: Vancouver is dominating this game!

Colour Analyst: Guess which team is the good one?

 

Play-by-Play Announcer: The Oilers are making a change in the net, Don!

 Colour Analyst: Cool! The new guy has a better mask!

 

Play-by-Play Announcer: Holden scores!

Colour Analyst: He put it upstairs, where El Presidente keeps the election results! No need for anyone else to see them, I trust them!

Play-by-Play Announcer: Me too.

 

Colour Analyst: I wouldn't say that was a bad goal, Jim. More like "atrocious".

 

Colour Analyst: He got a little too excited there, although I'm sure he meant well.

 

Colour Analyst: I'm no doctor, but I think he may have an overactive hit! (crowd boos) Alright, alright... I'm sorry!

 

Play-by-Play Announcer: The Canucks have truly embarassed them now, Don! Colour Analyst: This game is more one-sided than my conversations!

Play-by-Play Announcer: I can't believe you admitted to that...

Colour Analyst: Sorry? I wasn't paying attention.

 

Play-by-Play Announcer: Bertuzzi scores!

Colour Analyst: I can't wait to see that one on replay!

Play-by-Play Announcer: Are replays even on right now?

Colour Analyst: I don't know, let's wait and see.

 

Play-by-Play Announcer: Holden scores!

Colour Analyst: Evidently, the goalie decided to sleep in today.

 

Play-by-Play Announcer: Here we go, folks! It's scrap-time!

Colour Analyst: Oh well, at least they're not swearing or spitting.

 

Play-by-Play Announcer: It looks like these two guys will be taking a mandatory rest for fighting!

 

Play-by-Play Announcer: Holden shoulders Horcoff.

Colour Analyst: I thought he was going in for the high-five Jim, but in retro-spect I guess that wouldn't really have made a lot of sense!

 

Play-by-Play Announcer: Carter is whipped up about something, and now these two are going to go!

Colour Analyst: They're going back and forth...

Play-by-Play Announcer: ... and forth and back...

Colour Analyst: ... and back again!

 

Play-by-Play Announcer: Five minute Fighting majors have been handed out!

Colour Analyst: There's a valuable lesson to be learned here, Jim!

Play-by-Play Announcer: Don't get in fights?

Colour Analyst: No, don't make fun of his Backstreet Boys lunchbox!

 

Play-by-Play Announcer: Horcoff gets checked.

Colour Analyst: Oh, they felt that hit in the Rafters! Which bakes the question, "Why are there people in the Rafters?"

 

Colour Analyst: Well, they say good things come in threes!

Play-by-Play Announcer: I thought it was celebrity deaths that always came in threes.

Colour Analyst: And while we're at it, let's not forget The Stooges!

 

 

Play-by-Play Announcer: Atlanta has taken the lead!

Colour Analyst: Their fans are going nuts! I just saw a guy do a back-flip in the crowd! Or was that just a rendering bug?

 

Colour Analyst: That shot was powered by pure Nana-Nahaijna!

Play-by-Play Announcer: Whatever *that* might be...

 

Colour Analyst: (camera zooms in on Jaromir Jagr) Hey, Jim! It's only the first period, but how many points does he have now? A: A lot. B: A lot. C: A lot!

Play-by-Play Announcer: Hmmm, I'd go with B, "A lot."

Colour Analyst: (buzz) Wrong! It's D, "A ton!" But thanks for playing!

 

Colour Analyst: GÓL!

Play-by-Play Announcer: Go-go-go-gooool...

Colour Analyst: GÓL!

Play-by-Play Announcer: Gooooooool...

Colour Analyst: GÓL!

Play-by-Play Announcer: (embarrased) Let's never do that again.

Colour Analyst: Agree!

 

Colour Analyst: Ow, I spilled hot coffee on my legs!

Play-by-Play Announcer: THOSE ARE MY LEGS!

Colour Analyst: Oh yeah, sorry.

 

Play-by-Play Announcer: He scores!

Colour Analyst: I clocked that one at a cool 200 miles/hour!

Play-by-Play Announcer: I think you're off by about 100 miles/hour there, Don. Colour Analyst: Wow! That thing was going 300 miles/hour?

 

Play-by-Play Announcer: Colorado is fully in control of this game again!

Colour Analyst: And I'm fully in control of my motor skills again! Stupid electro-shock therapy.

Play-by-Play Announcer: Keep complaining, and I'll up that voltage again!

Colour Analyst: What complaining?

 

Play-by-Play Announcer: Drury has a huge shot, Don!

Colour Analyst: You could say it has an impact on things! (pause) That joke however, did not.

 

Colour Analyst: Impressive, Jim! He now has one goal for every Kevin Costner baseball movie!

 

Colour Analyst: Jim, I once took a faceoff against this guy, and he knocked my stick up into the press box!

Play-by-Play Announcer: Oh, I remember, Don! So does my dentist.

 

Play-by-Play Announcer: New Jersey needs to kill off this penalty - they can't afford to go down another goal!

Colour Analyst: Another goal and the pulse of this team will be this: (flat-line SFX)

 

Colour Analyst: That should make them feel better! For about three seconds, until they look up at the scoreboard.

 

---

Free email, web pages, news, entertainment, weather and MORE!
Check out -------------------------------> http://wowmail.com