FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: findarticles.com

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DRAG RACING QUOTES

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"I love drag racing just as much as when I was coming up and Raymond Beadle, [Kenny] Bernstein, and Don "the Snake" Prudhomme were kicking everybody's butt. Someday somebody's gonna kick my butt, too. Maybe this is the year; maybe not." - John Force's preseason comments

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"Connie has five Ts he hates to spend money on: tires, testing, tubing, trucks, and trailers. The last time we bought a new car was in 1999." - Kalitta Racing crew chief Jim Oberhofer, on team owner Connie Kalitta

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"He knows how to win a championship. I'm not sure how he's going to feel about helping me win my first championship" - Whit Bazemore, with tongue planted firmly in cheek, on new teammate Gary Scelzi

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"Our goal is to be the biggest thorn on the side of every team out there. When we drive up to the starting line, we want them to say, Oh, no, not that knucklehead.' " - Funny Car racer Tim Wilkerson

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"I want to be something in this sport. I don't have a rich father or a Brinks truck or the right last name, so there's going to be a lot of grunt work getting there." - Winter-nationals winner and 2003 Lucas Oil Super Comp champion Jack Beckman

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"Racing kept him young. He loved racing, the people, and the competition. He was doing the valves until he was 86. How many people can say that?" - Former fuel racer Tom Hoover, on his father, George, who died Feb. 20 at age 97

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"My light in the final [.097] was pretty embarrassing, but I keep reminding myself that I'm the guy with the trophy." - Phoenix Stock champ Ken Passerby

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"I've always been convinced that this is a superior design, and now I've got the time ticket to prove it." - "Big Daddy" Don Garlits, after running 318.54 mph with his mono-strut Top Fuel dragster in Gainesville

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"Talk about getting an 800-pound gorilla off your back." - Byron Hines, after the Vance & Hines Screamin' Eagle Harley-Davidson qualified for the first time in Gainesville

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"I don't feel sorry for John. I can't feel sorry for a guy who has won 12 championships." - Tony Pedregon, after Force's first-round loss in Las Vegas

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"I figured Scott would be a pain in my ass in the final, and he was." - Pro Stock racer Kurt Johnson, after beating Scott Geoffrion in Houston

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"After the final, I told Angelle not to get too excited. I reminded her that I started last year with two wins, and that wasn't enough to win the championship." - Pro Stock Bike rider Craig Treble, after his final-round loss to Savoie in Houston

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"I got spoiled. After a while, you'd win and think, 'Another winner's circle? Man, they take so long.' Now, I just want to get back there." - Force, after a second-round loss in Houston dropped his record to 2-5

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"I've had crashes and fires, but this is easily the scariest thing I've ever been through." - Funny Car racer Ron Capps, after the throttle stuck on a qualifying run in Atlanta. Capps reached an estimated speed of 330 mph before he released the parachutes, then hit the fuel shutoff, causing the engine to go lean and explode

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"The carburetor business has been good to me." - Johnson, after winning the King Demon bonus event for the third time in his career. In 1994, he earned $25,000 for becoming the first member of the Holley 6-Second Pro Stock Club

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"Yes, the car is still for sale, but the price keeps going up." - Jeff Lane, after clinching the Super Stock championship in Las Vegas

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"That wasn't just a win; that was abuse." - Tony Schumacher, after qualifying No. 1 and setting low e.t. en route to a dominating Top Fuel victory in Chicago, his first race with crew chief Alan Johnson

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"Don't stand near me; I'm afraid a plane's gonna fall on me." - Force, after losing in the first round in Chicago, his fourth first-round loss in 10 races

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"Well, going north isn't working, so we're going south." - Frank Manzo, on changing directions with his tune-up prior to his Top Alcohol Funny Car victory in Columbus

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"It's like paper, scissors, rock: No matter what you bring, it might be wrong." - Sherman Adcock Jr., on all the start- and finish-line variables involved in Super-class racing.

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"We're not chasing John Force this year; we're chasing his puppet [Tony Pedregon], so it's the same thing." - Bazemore's mid-season comments

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"Cruz and Tony [Pedregon] and I keep track of our records against each other. If they say different, they're lying." - Frank Pedregon, on the rivalry between him and his brothers

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"I remember hearing a Safety Safari guy say they would have to cut off the wing struts to roll me over. I thought, 'Oh, man, not the wing struts. There is a lot of work in the wing struts.' I didn't realize that there was nothing back there to save." - Mark Niver, after his handcrafted A/Fuel Dragster was destroyed in a crash during qualifying in Sonoma

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"It's like looking back at your school days and realizing that the best teachers you had were the toughest ones. That's the way Bob [Glidden] has affected our team." - Pro Stock's Larry Morgan, after qualifying for his third straight race in Brainerd

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"This is the leg that kicked ass today." - Reggie Showers, as he raised one of his prosthetic racing legs over his head following his victory in the K&N Filters Pro Bike Klash

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"'Big Daddy' Don Garlits asked for my autograph in Indy this year. It was like he knew his time had passed and that he probably wouldn't be racing much anymore. It took everything I had in me to keep from crying right there on the spot. I couldn't even talk about it." - 2002 and 2003 Top Fuel champion Larry Dixon

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"I'd rather own a little country convenience store than be an assistant manager at a big-city supermarket. I don't fit in here." - Scotty Cannon, on his decision to leave Don Schumacher's Funny Car team

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"I know there are rumors floating around about my future, but after this, it will take a lot to get me away from this group of people; they're my family." - Tony Pedregon, on his racing future after clinching the Funny Car championship in Las Vegas

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"I feel very, very fortunate. It's great to be Greg Anderson right now." - Greg Anderson, on his amazing season

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"We've been on top before, and we know that every bird that flies has to land." - Kurt Johnson, after losing the final and the championship to Anderson in Las Vegas

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"If there were a chuck wagon in the other lane, it probably would have out-60-footed us this weekend." - Warren Johnson, after failing to qualify in Las Vegas

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"I guess Al finally got even with me." - Force, referring to former Funny Car rival Al Hofmann after cutting his hands on a crystal trophy that Force won upon beating Hofmann in a final

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"It's almost like I broke a mirror seven years ago last week; that's how quickly my luck has changed." - Super Stock racer Billy Leber, on his change of luck that ended with back-to-back national event wins in Chicago and Dallas

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"For the record, it's fuchsia, not pink. And I don't care what color it is; it hauls ass, and I don't want to give it back." - Treble, on the borrowed bike he rode to victory at the season's final two events

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"Cutting a light is like aiming a rifle: You need to get your breathing under control either exhale and hold it or inhale and hold it." - Automobile Club of Southern California NHRA Finals Super Comp winner Al Kenny

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: britishcouncil.org

SPORTS QUOTES 101
Training course to improve one's appreciation of the sports quote!
Or Miss Grundy strikes again!!!
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"Ian Rush, deadly ten times out of ten, but that wasn't one of them."
Peter Jones
If he's deadly ten times out of ten, how was that not one of them?
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"You'll be hoping that this run of injuries will stop earlier than it started."
Andrew Gidley
Nothing can stop earlier than it started!
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"Oh, he had an eternity to play that ball, but he took too long over it."
Martin Tyler
"Eternity" means "forever" - how can you take longer than that?
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"McCarthy shakes his head in agreement with the referee."
Martin Tyler
Shaking your head means you disagree with something - nodding your head means you agree.
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"The boys' feet have been up in the clouds since the win."
Alan Buckley
To have your "head in the clouds" means to "be foolish because you are not aware of the realities of a situation". But to have your feet there? They must all be upside down!
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"I'm not going to make it a target but it's something to aim for."
Steve Coppell
If it's not a target, why is it something to aim for?
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"We are really quite lucky this year because Christmas falls on Christmas Day."
Bobby Gould
What other day would Christmas Day fall on?
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"They can crumble as easily as ice cream in this heat."
Sammy Nelson
Ice cream doesn't crumble - it melts!
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"And Ritchie has now scored 11 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season."
Alan Parry
That means he scored 5.5 goals last season!
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"I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in."
Terry Venables
Did the ball go into his mouth or into the goal?
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"The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we came from the same place, play for the same club and were discovered by the same man."
Norman Whiteside
Is that one thing in common, or three things?
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"If you stand still there is only one way to go, and that's backwards."
Peter Shilton
How can you go anywhere if you stand still?
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"Strangely enough, Kathy Jordan is getting to the net first, which she always does."
Fred Perry
If she always gets to the net first, why is it strange that thse's doing it now?
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"That shot he's got to obliterate from his mind a little bit."
Mark Cox
Obliterate means " to remove ALL sign of something", so you can't obliterate something "a little bit".
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"If she gets the jitters now, then she isn't the great champion that she is."
Max Robertson
Is she a great champion or isn't she?
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"He's got his hands on his knees and holds his head in despair."
Peter Jones
If he's got his hands on his knees, how can he hold his head?
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"McEnroe has got to sit down and work out where he stands."
Fred Perry
He can't sit down and stand at the same time!
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"You can almost hear the silence as they battle it out."
Dan Maskell
How can you hear silence?
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"These ball boys are marvellous. You don't even notice them. There's a left handed one over there. I noticed him earlier."
Max Robertson
You don't even notice them … but he noticed him earlier!
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"It's quite clear that Virginia Wade is thriving on the pressure now that the pressure on her to do well is off."
Harry Carpenter
If the pressure is off, how can she be thriving on the pressure?
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"When Martina is tense it helps her relax."
Dan Maskell
How can she relax if she's tense?

."We haven't had any more rain since it stopped raining."
Harry Carpenter
If it stopped raining then of course there hasn't been any more rain!
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"She comes from a tennis playing family. Her father's a dentist."
BBC 2
Is her father a dentist or a tennis player?
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"Chip Hooper is such a big man that it is sometimes difficult to see where he is on the court."
Mark Cox
If he's so big, why is it difficult to see where he is?
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"And the line up for the final of the women's 400 metres hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman."
David Coleman
There's a man in the women's final?
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"Marvellous oriental pace he's got, just like a Buddhist statue."
Harry Carpenter
Have you ever seen a statue move fast?
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"I'm concentrating so much I don't know what I'm doing half the time."
Mark Kaylor
You normally concentrate so that you do know what you're doing!
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"Cycling's a good thing for the youngsters, because it keeps them off the streets."
David Bean
Where do they cycle if it's not on the streets?
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"He used to be fairly indecisive, but now he's not so certain."
Peter Alliss
"Indecisive" and "not so certain" mean the same thing!
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"Your luck goes up and down like swings and roundabouts."
James Hunt
Swings go up and down. Roundabouts go round and round!
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"A racing horse is not like a machine. It has to be tuned up like a racing car."
Chris Pool
If it's not a machine, why does it have to tuned up like a racing car?
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"He's like a needle in a haystack, this man - he's everywhere."
Ray French
"Like a needle in a haystack" means "impossible or extremely difficult to find" - so how can he be everywhere?
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"But there was still the big prize money, hanging there like a carrot waiting to be picked."
David Vine
Carrots don't hang - they grow under the ground!
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"It's obvious these Russian swimmers are determined to do well on American soil."
Anita Lonsborough
"Soil" is the material on the surface of the ground in which plants grow. It's difficult to swim in!
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"If our swimmers want to win any more medals, they'll have to put their skates on."
Dave Brenner
To "put your skates on" means "to hurry", but you couldn't swim very well with skates on, could you?
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"The Sri Lankan team have lost their heads, literally."
Gamine Goonasena
To "lose your head" means to "lose control of yourself", but if you do it literally, then your head must be rolling around on the ground!

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MISS GRUNDY WILL ADMINISTER THE SPORTS
QUOTES 101 FINAL NEXT FRIDAY AT 0800
BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!!!

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: baltimoresun.com

Image: solarnavigator.net

SPORTS HUMOR

Amusing takes by sports columnist on lastest sports news

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Is A-Rod just a lucky star?

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July 6, 2008 News item: The New York Daily News reported recently that Alex Rodriguez and wife Cynthia are splitting just months after the birth of their second daughter.

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My take: A-Rod, 32, has been seen around New York with Madonna, 49, and the gossip rags are buzzing because both reportedly are having marital problems. If they really are an item, Alex could soon be living in a material world with a middle-aged material girl.

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News item: Joey Chestnut needed to chew into overtime to defeat Takeru Kobayashi in the annual hot dog-eating contest Friday at Nathan's on Coney Island.

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My take: Each ate a total of 64 franks, which is pretty impressive. Because I believe strongly in moderation, I generally stop at 50.
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News item: Michael Phelps has dominated the U.S. Olympic swimming trials and remains on course to go for eight gold medals in Beijing.

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My take: Times sure have changed. If this were the 1930s, Phelps would be on his fifth Tarzan movie by now.

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News item: The Milwaukee Brewers are rumored to have the inside track to acquire Cleveland Indians ace C.C. Sabathia.

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My take: If that's true, that three-team race in the National League Central could get a lot more interesting in the next couple of weeks.

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Related news item: Hank Steinbrenner told The Star-Ledger of Newark, N.J., on Friday that the New York Yankees are not interested in making a trade for Sabathia.

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My take: This, along with the decision to chase off Joe Torre, is just more evidence that Tampa, Fla., resident George Steinbrenner has switched his allegiance to the first-place Rays.

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News item: Lawyers for embattled personal trainer Brian McNamee insist in a court filing that DNA testing will prove steroid paraphernalia turned over to investigators was used by Roger Clemens.

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My take: Don't know about you, but it has reached the point where I don't even have a rooting interest in this scummy soap opera.

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News item: The Tour de France began yesterday with a 123-mile first leg through Brittany and many of the world's top cyclists ineligible to compete because of various doping controversies.

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My take: Congratulations to early leader Alejandro Valverde, for what that's worth. I don't even get interested anymore until the second round of appeals.

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News item: Arizona Diamondbacks catcher Chris Snyder has been placed on the 15-day disabled list with a fractured left testicle.

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My take: I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere, but I'm too busy curling up in the fetal position to think of it.

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News item: Barry Bonds' asterisk-stained 756th home run ball will be enshrined at the Hall of Fame after all. The ball was delivered to Cooperstown - with no strings attached - Tuesday.

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My take: Well, there actually is one string attached. Bonds has said he will boycott the Hall if the ball is displayed with the asterisk. I'm still trying to figure out if that's a promise or a threat.

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News item: Retired Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre might or might not be seriously considering a comeback, depending on which news outlet you choose to believe.

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My take: This reminds me of that old saying, "Where there's smoke, it's probably coming out of Aaron Rodgers' ears."

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News item: The Oakland Athletics signed 16-year-old Dominican pitching prospect Michael Inoa to a minor league contract that includes a $4.25 million signing bonus.

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My take: A's general manager Billy Beane was particularly impressed when Inoa asked that the entire signing bonus be rolled into a giant moneyball.

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News item: The baseball players union has filed a grievance against the Houston Astros, claiming that pitcher Shawn Chacon was unlawfully terminated after choking GM Ed Wade.

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My take: Apparently, the union feels that since Wade was once the GM of the Philadelphia Phillies, he should be used to choking by now.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: smartmoney.com

POP WARNER FOOTBALL

Image: hawaiisportspage.com

YOUTH SPORTS QUOTES

WHEN TOMMY ZARZECKI JR. considers the money he spends on his 13-year-old son's hockey habit, he can't help but question his own sanity.

In the space of a single conversation, he refers to himself as "nuts," "out of my friggin' skull" and "completely...delusional."

But if he's crazy, so are the other hockey parents in Jefferson Township, N.J.

Everyone there knows that promising puck chasers have to join a competitive travel team ($3,500 a season), attend practice and games four to five times a week at a rink 45 minutes away ($150 a week for gas), and play a 55-game schedule with matches in Boston, Baltimore and Pennsylvania.

Then there's the gear: $200 hockey sticks are standard, as are $400 skates with Kevlar-composite blades. And that's just hockey.

Zarzecki's son also plays baseball, which means additional travel-team fees, more out-of-state trips and $70 lessons with a private batting coach. All told, Zarzecki estimates he blew $10,000 last year on his son's jock life. "You need another job to pay for your kid's sport," he says.

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As any parent who's been around the peewee athletic circuit can tell you, the wide world of kids sports is something to behold these days.

All around the country perfectly normal 10-year-olds now enjoy the attention of their own coaches, nutritionists and personal trainers.

Baseball camp now means hopping a plane to distant locales like Puerto Rico or Australia.

Suiting up for hockey might include a $3,000 goalie uniform with custom-molded padding. How far will it go?

In one of the most publicized — and excessive — examples, Dallas billionaire Kenny Troutt built a million-dollar gym in his home for his preteen sons' basketball teams and carts all the kids to tournaments in a private jet, accompanied by a full-time nutritionist and travel planner.

And the trend has even filtered down to sidewalk sports. In Mason, Ohio, one group of high schoolers is raising $39,000 to fly all the way to Cape Town, South Africa, for a championship competition...in jump rope.

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Spoiled Sports?

Few kids have the DNA of an Eli Manning or a Patrick Ewing Jr. But many parents hope their young athletes can compete on an elite level with papering like this.

PRESEASON CONDITIONING

Average cost: $600 - $750 Maybe Junior scarfed too many Big Macs during the off-season. Or he's lacking in lateral quickness. At Sedona Private Fitness in Cedar Grove, N.J., gym owner Joe Hughes offers a 10-session "scholastic athlete" training program to help your child "peak" at the right time. Of course, says Hughes, "despite not having a personal trainer, I turned out just fine."

HOCKEY GEAR

Average cost: $1,500 - $3,000 Most kids just need comfortable equipment that will protect against injury. Got an elite player? Get ready to invest in high-end gear like ultralight $640 Easton Stealth S15 composite skates, a $170 Nike Bauer helmet complete with "ergo translucent ear covers," custom-molded body pads, and the piece de resistance — a $360 composite hockey stick.

TRAVEL TEAM

Average cost: $1,000 - $3,000 If your budding all-star needs more competitive play than she can get locally, the travel-team tab typically buys access to nicer playing facilities, more-experienced coaching and maybe a fancy uniform. But logging the miles won't guarantee that your child will get her minutes. Unlike rec leagues, most travel squads don't give their members equal playing time.

OVERSEAS ATHLETIC CAMP

Average cost: $2,500 - $4,200 City-hopping with the travel team not enough? Coast to Coast Amateur Athletics organizes camps in Europe, Puerto Rico and Australia. But its Baseball Director Chip Stahl says learning abroad won't necessarily make your kid a world-class talent: "There really aren't any advantages to playing outside the States." But hey, it can be a terrific cultural experience.

HIGH-END BASEBALL BAT

Average cost: $300 - $400 The latest bats cost more because they're fashioned from new alloys and composites that aren't yet in mass production. "We have to do battle with the aerospace industry to get the materials to make those bats," says Louisville Slugger spokesperson Rick Redman. The performance difference from last year's (less-expensive) hot new material? Probably negligible.

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