FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: jaysfootballcards.com

Image: triumphbooks.com

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SPORTS INSULTS

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Football:

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1) "I didn't get up when that train hit me, I just laid there and watched." -Ex Bears coach Mike Ditka, after watching his Bears lose to the Vikings 45 - 13.

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2) "Football is a cold, cold business and in New England it's even colder." -Ex Cowboy's Linebacker Eugene Lockhart, after learning he was traded to New England.

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3) "His personnel phone bill was too high." - Ex Falcon's coach Jerry Glanville commenting why he cut then Linebacker, Marcus Cotton. Cotton had 2 car phones, 1 for business calls and 1 for personnel calls.

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4) "Well, we've determined that we can't win at home and we can't win on the road. What we need is a neutral site." -Ex Buccaneers coach John McKay.
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Basketball:

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1) "If he gives me 100 million, I'll give him the franchise." -Milwaukee Bucks owner, Herb Cole on the contract demands of then first round pick Glenn Robinson.

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2) "I saw him naked, he's not on steroids." -Charles Barkley, on then Suns teammate Joe McElvaine who was suspended for 3 games for steroid use.


Baseball:

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1) "There will be peace in the middle east before Michael Jordan plays in the major leagues." -Ex pitcher Larry Anderson on Michael Jordan's chances on playing in the major leagues.


Others:

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1) "Its not whether you win or lose, its how good you looked!" -David Lee Roth

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: guardian.co.uk

Image: i.dailymail.co.uk

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SOCCER QUOTES

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Luiz Felipe Scolari: in his own words

Never one to disappoint, here are some of the new Chelsea coach's more infamous outbursts

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"I'll wait for you outside, mate" – Scolari books a date with a referee who ordered him from Brazil's bench in 2000.

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"He was going to hit [Ricardo] Quaresma and I defended him" - pugilist Phil stands up for his players by thumping the Serbian defender Ivica Dragutinoviç in a Euro 2008 qualifier last September.

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"Who was to blame out there was the referee. Two metres offside!" - Scolari's alternative reason for punching Dragutinoviç.

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"I'm not perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, and I lost my head here" - the suits from the Portuguese FA prise a confession from chastened Phil over the Serbian punch-up.

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"If someone talks about my private life, for example, I'll give them a good punching. I'm not interested in suing. I like to sort things out my way" - that sounds like a challenge for the British press.

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"Jesus said we should turn the other cheek. Unfortunately, Figo is not Jesus Christ" - and nor did Jesus headbutt Mark van Bommel, as Luis Figo just had in June 2006.

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"I believe firmly in astrology. Since I was a kid, the stars told me I was a winner" - he's a Scorpio, by the way. The same as the Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich.

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"When the ball goes to his feet it doesn't cry. When it goes to my feet it cries"- the difference between Zinedine Zidane and Scolari.

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"I don't want this situation involving England because in two days during which I was not coach, I never agreed to anything, my life was invaded. My privacy was totally under siege" - the Sensitive One rejects England.

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"I think Pele knows nothing about soccer. He's done nothing as a coach and his analysis turns out to be always wrong. If you plan on winninga title, you do the opposite to what Pele says" - World Cup winner Scolari reveals the secret of his success.

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"[He] tortured a lot but there is no illiteracy in Chile" - Big Phil offers a Thatcheresque critique of General Pinochet's leadership

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: iscrap.net

SPORTS ONE-LINERS

Tennis, what a racquet! - Anonymous
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Softball, if it were easy, it would be called baseball. - Anonymous
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Give blood, play rugby. - Anonymous
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Golf is a game in which you claim the privileges of age and retain the playthings of childhood. - Anonymous
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A puck is a hard rubber disc that hockey players strike when they can't hit one another. - Jimmy Cannon
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Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it. - Heywood Hale Brown
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Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: [from academe] A modern school where football is taught. - Ambrose Bierce
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Let's face it, you have to have a slightly recessive gene that has a little something to do with the brain to go out on the football field and beat your head against other human beings on a daily basis. - Tim Green
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If you're attacking, you don't get as tired as when you're chasing.- Kyle Rote, Jr.
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I get a kick out of soccer.- Anonymous
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Why is there only one ball for 22 players? If you gave a ball to each of them, they'd stop fighting for it. - Anonymous
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Soccer is a game in which everyone does a lot of running around. Twenty-one guys stand around and one guy does a tap dance with the ball.- Jim Murray

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: cambridgeharriers.com

TRACK AND FIELD \ RUNNING QUOTES

26 Ways You Know You Are A Runner

1. You know how many miles there are in a marathon.

2. Your weekly mileage is how much you run, not your commute to work.

3. You know how many miles you get out of a pair of running shoes.

4. You can convert Kilometers to Miles in your head.

5. You measure your running route in your car to get the exact mileage.

6. When someone tells you their age, you automatically know their Boston qualifying time.

7. You know Grandma's as the route from Two Harbors to Duluth, not the person.

8. You can drink, blow your nose, and pee on the run.

9. The problem with the treadmill is there's no place to spit.

10. You have less than ten toenails and that's normal for you.

11. Body Glide is your friend.

12. Ibuprofen is affectionately known as "Vitamin I".

13. Navigating walkers, dogs, and baby strollers annoys you because it interrupts your pace.

14. When you participate in an organized event, you know not to run in your race t-shirt.

15. You have a favorite energy gel and flavor.

16. The "Picasso" above your fireplace is last year's TCM poster.

17. You have pre and post race rituals.

18. The journal you keep is in miles/kms and pace not feelings or thoughts.

19. When you look at the weather conditions, you calculate how many layers to wear.

20. The pride you feel after a good run is worth the pain it took to get there.

21. You have more t-shirts than you could possibly wear.

22. When you hear the word "bib", you think of race numbers not babies and Gerber food.

23. The "no carbohydrate diet" does not apply to you.

24. You know that Fartlek is not vulgar terminology.

25. A hill is an opportunity just waiting to be challenged.

26. You know the phrase "you're almost there" only applies when the finish line is in sight.

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"Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer from agony of defeat." - I. M. Jokin

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: mackdays.com

Image: fishing.net.nz

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FISHING QUOTES

Calling fishing a hobby is like calling brain surgery a job. ~Paul Schullery

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My biggest worry is that my wife (when I'm dead) will sell my fishing gear for what I said I paid for it. ~Koos Brandt

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Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught. ~Author Unknown

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Bragging may not bring happiness, but no man having caught a large fish goes home through an alley. ~Author Unknown
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The charm of fishing is that it is the pursuit of what is elusive but attainable, a perpetual series of occasions for hope. ~John Buchan

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The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.-Author Unknown

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A "reel" fisherman has at least one lure that never caught a fish!

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Man can learn a lot from fishing -- when the fish are biting no problem in the world is big enough to be remembered.-- Orlando A. Battista

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Only an extraordinary person would purposely risk being outsmarted by a creature often less than twelve inches long, over and over again.~ Janna Bialek

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"He's not the sharpest hook in the tackle box."~ Anonymous

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May the holes in your net be no larger than the fish in it. ~Irish Blessing
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The fishing was good; it was the catching that was bad. ~A.K. Best
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There he stands, draped in more equipment than a telephone lineman, trying to outwit an organism with a brain no bigger than a breadcrumb, and getting licked in the process. ~Paul O'Neil, 1965
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Roderick Haig-Brown: "Anglers...exaggerate grossly and make gentle and inoffensive creatures sound like wounded buffalo and man-eating tigers."

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Henry Kanemoto: "Fly fishing is like sex, everyone thinks there is more than there is, and that everyone is getting more than their share."

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Robert Traver: " The true fisherman approaches the first day of fishing season with all the sense of wonder and awe of a child approaching Christmas."

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Unknown: "Who ever said `A bad day of fishing is always better than a good day at work,' never had their boat sink."

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If people don't occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you're doing something wrong." John Gierach

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"It is not how abundant nor how considerable our catch be, but rather to the sport, and manner in which our quarry, the noble trout is angled."-J.B. Martin