FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: badpets.net

SPORTS PUNS

OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver

OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty

OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap

OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling

OLD BIKERS never die, but they're hard on tires

OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter

OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get bowled over

OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get smashed for six

OLD DIVERS never die, they just extend their bottom time

OLD DIVERS never die, they just flop

OLD DIVERS never die, they just get board

OLD DIVERS never die, they just lose their spring

OLD DRIVERS never die, they just blow a gasket.

OLD FIGHTERS never die, they just lose their punch.

OLD FISHERMEN never die, their rods just go limp

OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just get reel tired

OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way

OLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go to the end zone

OLD FOOTBALLERS never die, they just kick the bucket

OLD GOAL UMPIRES never die, they just get flagged down

- (umpires as in Australian Rules Football)

Old Golfers never die, they just keep putting along.

OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their balls

OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive

OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount

OLD HIKERS never die, they just trail away

OLD HOCKEY PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal

OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay LOADED

OLD KAYAKERS never die, they just roll back over, and do it again

OLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just fade back and pass away

OLD SKATEBOARDERS never die, they just lose their bearings.

OLD SKIERS never die, but they go downhill fast

OLD SKIERS never die, they just go over the hill.

OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal

OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just lose their kick

OLD SPELUNKERS never die, they just cave in

OLD SURFERS never die, they just get wiped out.

OLD SWIMMERS never die, they just fall off their blocks

OLD SWIMMERS never die, they just have a stroke

OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged

OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip

OLD YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel over

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sportsillustrated.cnn.com

OLYMPICS, 1996

Men's Field Hockey

Bad Team, Good Routine

As we bid a fond Olympic adieu to the U.S. men's field hockey team this morning—at 8:30 the Americans face Malaysia in the important battle to stay out of 12th and last place—we encourage the retention of head coach Jon Clark. Sure, he embarrassed the U.S. Field Hockey Association before the Games when it became public that on his résumé he had exaggerated details about his playing career in Great Britain. Sure, he was unable to turn around the fortunes of the team, which went into today's game with an 0-25-2 Olympic record. But the guy is funny.

Herewith a few moments with Mr. Clark, who has lost none of his sardonic British wit.

On the idea that the 3-0 loss to South Africa was at least entertaining: "It was entertaining in Johannesburg, Capetown and Port Elizabeth."

On his general mood about the game: "Livid, bordering on the sarcastic."

On his team's error-prone offensive play: "We lived by the new rules of field hockey:

Every time you get into your opponent's end, you meekly give up the ball."

On his team's passive play: "We've tried the intellectual approach, and so far it hasn't worked. The IQ thermometer has slipped its temperature around the goal."

Most of all, a U.S. men's field hockey coach needs a sense of humor. And Clark's our man.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sportsillustrated.cnn.com

OLYMPICS, 1996

Track and Field, Archery, Badminton

NBC: Nothing 'Bout Canadians

NBC's breathless, pro-U.S. coverage continued yesterday when Today host Katie Couric called Michael Johnson "the world's fastest human."

If memory serves, a certain Donovan Bailey won the 100 in a world-record 9.84 seconds and pretty well settled any dispute over who the swiftest man on the planet is. Of course, Bailey is a Canadian and isn't of much interest to NBC.

Also, correspondent Jamie Gangel labeled Johnson "the world's greatest athlete." But until the decathlon winner is determined today, we won't be sure which athlete she slighted.

Shouldn't He Be At Archery?

It seems one of the diving judges is a New Zealander named Robin Hood. We're surprised no one has tried to impress him with a 3-1/2 somersault in the Friar Tuck position.

Putting It On the Line

A couple of years ago Doug Cress of Atlanta told his wife he wanted to find the "strangest way possible" to be a part of the upcoming Summer Games. "Well, we need 50 badminton line judges," said Sandra Cress, who is operations manager of the soccer competition for ACOG, "and right now we have none." So Cress took a course at Georgia State, eventually passed the U.S. Badminton Association certification test and today finds himself keeping his eye on the birdie during the gold medal match between Dong Jiong of China and Póul-Erik Hoyer-Larsen of Denmark. "This is not a sport where long experience is necessary," says Cress dryly.

The keys, he says, are focusing on your line when the birdie starts heading downward and facing up to complaints in many forms and languages. "For 40 bucks a game," says Cress, "you don't need some of the abuse. You get the evil eye, you get players waving rackets at you, you get coaches going nuts.

"But I wouldn't have traded the experience for anything. Hey, in what other sport could you basically walk in off the street and find yourself at the Olympics?"

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