Sunday, June 22, 2008
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: welcometoportsmouth.co.uk
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REDKNAPP'S RANTS
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Pompey's manager Harry Redknapp has always been one of football's more colourful managers, never one to shy away from the microphone or TV camera, he is well known for his flexible, immaginative use of the English language. Below is a collection of some of his more memorable quotations.
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HARRY'S FINEST
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"I don't know where Zajec is now. As long as he doesn't turn up here, I don't care. If he does, then I'll be gone again!"
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"Kanu has been fantastic. My God, we've even got him heading the ball. Well, it's not really heading, more like hitting him on the head!" Commenting on the top goal scorer Kanu.
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"I left a couple of my foreigners out last week and they started talking in "foreign". I knew what they were saying: "Blah, blah, blah, le b****** manager, f****** useless b******!"
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"Genius is never consistent, is it? Mediocrity is consistent, but genius cannot be consistent." Commenting on Kanu after his two goals in the 4-0 demolition of Middlesbrough.
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"I sorted out the team formation last night lying in bed with the wife. When your husband's as ugly as me, you'd only want to talk football in bed"
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"Where are we in relation to Europe? Not too far from Dover"
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"Samassi Abou don't speak the English too good."
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"I will always do things my way, otherwise it's not worth doing the job."
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"The more these things drag on the more difficult it gets, but I'm not going to rush in and get a load of rubbish like they did here last year." Commenting on transfer frustration and the dealings of his predecessor Alain Perrin.
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"Even when they had Moore, Hurst and Peters, West Ham's average finish was about 17th, which just shows how crap the other 8 of us were"
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Commenting on Julian Dicks' comeback from career threatening injury : "They said he would never play again, but he's a freak."
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"Mansfield gave us one hell of a game. I feared extra-time but we are still on the march, still unbeaten, and I'm still a brilliant manager!" Reaction to the League Cup game against Mansfield.
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"With the foreign players it's more difficult. Most of them don't even bother with the golf, they don't want to go racing. They don't even drink".
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"After two defeats we needed to win, but we're only Portsmouth after all." Harry's reaction to Pompey's 2-0 win over West Ham
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: 2blowhards.com
SPORTS QUOTES
Athletes: Genetic Freaks?
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Some interesting data showed up yesterday in a good Wall Street Journal "On Sports" column by Sam Walker. It seems that, for a long time now, docs and researchers have been prodding elite athletes in order to determine if their athletic excellence has some biological bases. Answer: You betcha. As Walker writes: "While genetics is only one part of the formula for greatness, scientists agree that in order to be truly dominant, an athlete has to be -- to some degree -- a genetic freak."
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Some of the findings Walker cites:
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Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps has flipper-like feet: size 14 monsters that are as flexible as a ballerina's.
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Andy Roddick, who owns tennis' fastest serve, can arch his back 44% farther than can the average tennis pro.
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The soccer star Mia Hamm produces half as much sweat as the average soccer player.
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While it takes a typical civilian 300 milliseconds to make a reactive decision, the average race car driver is able to react and respond in 270 milliseconds -- a difference that means a lot when your car is going 200 miles an hour.
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One of the most remarkable physical specimens in the world is the great bicyclist Lance Armstrong. Armstrong's heart is 20% larger than a normal person's, and his body produces one-third less lactic acid than do the bodies of other top cyclists. It's thought that each one of these physical attributes exists in only a few hundred people on earth. Walker quotes one doctor, who says of Armstrong that, in terms of his physical capabilities, "He's probably one in a billion."
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Ed.'s note:
Coincidentally, for your information,
Lance's last name namesake, Henry, was similarly
endowed with genetic features that impacted on his
cardiac system, enabling his "perpetual motion"
boxing style that allowed him to easily defeat opponents.
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: hfboards.com
"It was so cold, you could hear their gums chattering." -- Michael Ventre of msnbc.com, on the outdoor Heritage Classic hockey game in Edmonton between the Oilers and the Montreal Canadiens.
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"My cellphone froze when I was up there. I had so many layers of clothes on, my thighs didn't know each other." -- CBC cameraman Kirk Penney, after spending five hours in zero-degree weather atop the scoreboard filming the two outdoor hockey games in Edmonton last Saturday.
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"Nah. I had the Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar and a Bud Light poster of Pamela Anderson." -- Detroit Red Wings centre Kris Draper, on whether he ever had a Wayne Gretzky poster hanging on his bedroom wall when he was growing up.
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"People break their face all the time. It's part of the job." -- Todd Fedoruk of the Philadelphia Flyers, who missed five games after a fight with New York Islanders tough guy Eric Cairns led to facial surgery, during which titanium plates were inserted in and around Fedoruk's left eye and cheekbone.
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"I never looked at the stats ... because I didn't have any stats." -- Phoenix Coyotes winger Landon Wilson after scoring his first goal of the season last Monday against Dallas.
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"If the Chargers want to fight, I'm willing to give them one. If they perform as well in the courtroom as they do on the field, I would say we'll kill them." -- San Diego mayor Dick Murphy, on the plan of the Chargers, then 2-9, to go to court to renegotiate their lease at Qualcomm Stadium.
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"You don't have any trouble being for anyone that will feed those boys for four years." -- Auburn fan Vera Britt, on being forced to change her football allegiances to rival Alabama when her sons, 313-pound Wesley and 278-pound Taylor, opted to play for the Crimson Tide.
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"Alabama, I've gotta believe, would have won more than four football games by now if Mike Price had been coaching 'em. But then, the entertainment budget probably would have been shot to heck, so there's a tradeoff." -- Dan Daly, in The Washington Times, on Price being fired before the college football season started after allegedly being involved in an off-season tryst that included two hookers and a hefty room-service bill.
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"[The best part is] it's all right to be fat. You can eat whatever you want, and no one will be like, 'Man, you're fat.' You just say, 'I'm an offensive lineman.' And they go, 'OK.' The worst part is being fat. I'll be done here in a month or two with football, and then I'll just be a regular fat guy." -- Mike Shelford, a 6-foot-2, 269-pound centre for Washington State, on the best and worst parts of being an offensive lineman.
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"I don't want to say it's been a while since they were any good, but the team's official bandwagon runs on leaded gas." -- Jim Armstrong, of The Denver Post, on the sudden success of the historically inept Cincinnati Bengals.
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"Anybody see the [college football] game? USC beat UCLA 47-22! Forty-seven, 22. That's like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher." -- Jay Leno, on a pair of California mismatches.
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"The Raiders didn't really call time out in an effort to ice 43-year-old Morten Andersen before his game-winning 35-yard field goal. On the contrary, they were banking on his arthritis setting in." -- Tom FitzGerald, in the San Francisco Chronicle.
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"If I'm Kobe Bryant, I send a thank you note to Michael Jackson." -- Orlando Sentinel columnist Jerry Greene, on the L.A. Laker guard's sexual assault trial being dislodged from the the front pages by the pop star's child-molestation case.
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"What does the Magic P.A. announcer say at halftime to get the crowd going? 'Please drive carefully.' " -- Comedian Alan Ray, on the Orlando Magic losing 15 consecutive games.
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"I've had wives bigger than him." -- L.A. Clippers play-by-play man Ralph Lawler, on 5-foot-5, 133-pound Denver Nuggets guard Earl Boykins.
I saw the Chiefs/Chargers game on satellite Sunday.One fan in the crowd was holding up a sign that said, "I KINDA BELIEVE"
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: quotingthomas.com
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There are people who think that wrestling is an ignoble sport. Wrestling is not sport, it is a spectacle, and it is no more ignoble to attend a wrestled performance of suffering than a performance of the sorrows of Arnolphe or Andromaque.
Barthes, Roland 1915-1980 French Semiologist
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For man, maximum excitement is the confrontation of death and the skillful defiance of it by watching others fed to it as he survives transfixed with rapture.
Becker, Ernest 1924-1974 American Psychologist Cultural Anthropologist
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So you wish to conquer in the Olympic games, my friend? And I too, by the Gods, and a fine thing it would be! But first mark the conditions and the consequences, and then set to work. You will have to put yourself under discipline; to eat by rule, to avoid cakes and sweetmeats; to take exercise at the appointed hour whether you like it or no, in cold and heat; to abstain from cold drinks and from wine at your will; in a word, to give yourself over to the trainer as to a physician. Then in the conflict itself you are likely enough to dislocate your wrist or twist your ankle, to swallow a great deal of dust, or to be severely thrashed, and, after all these things, to be defeated.
Epictetus 50-120 Stoic Philosopher
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The first thing is to love your sport. Never do it to please someone else. It has to be yours.
Fleming, Peggy American Skater
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Bullfighting is the only art in which the artist is in danger of death and in which the degree of brilliance in the performance is left to the fighter s honor.
Hemingway, Ernest 1898-1961 American Writer
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Two things only the people anxiously desire, bread and the circus games.
Juvenal, (Decimus Junius Juvenalis) c55-c130 Roman Satirical Poet
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Unlike any other business in the United States, sports must preserve an illusion of perfect innocence. The mounting of this illusion defines the purpose and accounts for the immense wealth of American sports. It is the ceremony of innocence that the fans pay to see -- not the game or the match or the bout, but the ritual portrayal of a world in which time stops and all hope remains plausible, in which everybody present can recover the blameless expectations of a child, where the forces of light always triumph over the powers of darkness.
Lapham, Lewis H. 1935 American Essayist Editor
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In sports... you play from the time you re eight years old, and then you re done forever.
Montana, Joe 1956 American Football Player
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Sport in the sense of a mass-spectacle, with death to add to the underlying excitement, comes into existence when a population has been drilled and regimented and depressed to such an extent that it needs at least a vicarious participation in difficult feats of strength or skill or heroism in order to sustain its waning life-sense.
Mumford, Lewis 1895-1990 American Social Philosopher
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People in the States used to think that if girls were good at sports their sexuality would be affected. Being feminine meant being a cheerleader, not being an athlete. The image of women is changing now. You don t have to be pretty for people to come and see you play. At the same time, if you re a good athlete, it doesn t mean you re not a woman.
Navratilova, Martina 1956 American Tennis Player
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The man loves danger and sport. That is why he loves woman, the most dangerous of all sports.
Nietzsche, Friedrich 1844-1900 German Philosopher
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Sport inevitably creates deadness of feeling. No one could take pleasure in it who was sensitive to suffering; and therefore its pursuit by women is much more to be regretted than its pursuit by men, because women pursue much more violently and recklessly what they pursue at all.
Ouida 1838-1908 British Writer
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: wimbledon.org
"Him or Becker, Edberg. They were my heroes when I was growing up. Put Bjorn ahead of them, I don't know if I could. I was watching Becker and Edberg playing a lot when I was growing up. But Borg probably, yeah, of all time, that would be a nice match to have played." — Roger Federer is asked if Bjorn Borg would be his dream Wimbledon final opponent.
"I am a good loser. I accept the loss very well. And, well, the lose don't affect me more than some hours. After that I forgot and I am hundred percent fine. But, well, first moment, especially losing in fifth set, it's not easy, no? after final" — Rafael Nadal after losing the Men's Singles final
"Wimbledon grass is much slower than it used to be, that's for sure. The baseline players have much more success than the serve volley players in the last, I don't know, five to ten years." — Novak Djokovic on the grass at Wimbledon.
"It's another lost opportunity at Wimbledon. I don't know if I really need to spell it out for all of you. I'd love to make you try to understand what it feels like in the pit of your stomach right now, but I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I'm articulate enough to really put that into words for you." — Andy Roddick after losing to Richard Gasquet in the quarter-finals.
"I wasn't thinking about the final at the beginning of the tournament. I was just thinking about the first round, which was pretty tough. It just seems like ages ago now, especially with all the rain. With all the conditions this year, the rain and the wind, I feel like I had to play some of my best tennis to get through that against some great players so it's very exciting." — Venus Williams after her semi-final win.
"It's been about half and half so far tonight." — Jamie Murray after winning the Mixed Doubles title and being asked if this will stop everyone asking him about his brother, Andy.
"It's so weird. We're so close. We have complete opposite personalities almost. I guess it works well. Geminis and Libras are like a perfect match. That's what I credit it to." — Serena Williams on why she is so close to her sister.
"Are you asking me if after I lost I could have played better? Yes. That's usually the case. I don't think I've ever come off a court with a loss saying I played the best match of my life. So yes, there's room for improvement. There always is when I lose." — Jamie Blake is blunt after losing to Juan Carlos Ferrero [9] 3-6, 6-3, 6-3, 7-6.
"There's a lot of losses in people's careers. The general public don't see that outside the Grand Slams. They're not really aware that there's 30 other tournaments you play throughout the year and you lose every week. Unless you're Roger Federer you lose every week or you're losing 30, 40 matches a year minimum probably for most people. So it's a big up and down sort of lifestyle that you have in tennis. The highs are generally great, but there's a lot of lows certainly at the level that I was. I was top 50 at one stage, but there's a lot of losses that go along with the wins." — Wayne Arthurs reflects on a life in tennis after his final game at Wimbledon, a 6-2, 6-1, 6-4 loss to Jonas Bjorkman.
"I don't have to pay for another week for my house rental, which is great." — Tommy Haas is asked if there is an upside to an injury that forced him to quit the tournament.
"I spoke to Duran Duran in London. We're planning to have concerts around Europe." — Novak Djokovic is asked about his singing career after a bout of karaoke at the French Open.
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: nbcolympics.com
"At first, I couldn't stop touching (my jersey). I was like, 'Oh, my gosh! Is this mine? Are you sure it's real? The USA isn't going to fade into my sports bra, is it?' I still kind of look down and ask, 'Are you sure I'm supposed to have this?'"-- Softball player Monica Abbott, on wearing the U.S. national jersey for the first time.
"Wow, I have the most humongous playground all to myself."-- Gymnast Nastia Liukin, recalling what she thought when her parents brought her to the gym they were building.
"It's very awkward and weird. I train six to eight hours a day to be the best athlete that I can be for my team and my country, and then people want to talk about my looks...I don't feel like a celebrity. I'm still just a little dork.-- Softball player Jennie Finch, on her off-field fame.
"I was famous when I was 19-years-old and had to decide earlier than most what my values were. From my experiences growing up, I learned about the type of person I wanted to be and the message I wanted to send as a well-known person. Of course I think about these things with the companies I work with. I want to be able to stand up for them knowing that I'm being true to myself and my morals."-- Swedish track and field athlete Carolina Kluft, on determining her values and beliefs.
"I would compare myself to those sprinters that do a lot of chest pumping or yelling, who are pretty intense or get pretty hyped. I would consider myself exactly like them, except I keep it all inside instead. I'm nervous before the race but I'm like a quiet hyped person. I don't really let it out or say explode until the gun is shot and that's when I really want to show all my excitement. But during the race, I kind of keep it all to myself."-- Sprinter Tyson Gay, on bottling his emotions until the start of a race.
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"You lose her, you're dead." -- Gymnast Shawn Johnson's mother, Teri, on what she told coach Liang Chow before he took Shawn on her first international trip.
"I would say (New York Mets shortstop) Jose Reyes. He's fast, he's agile, he's quick and he's not that tall -- he's maybe our height. Maybe he's six foot, and that's perfect height. That's the type of athlete that would be great in badminton."-- Badminton player Bob Malaythong, on what pro athlete would make a great badminton player.
"I've got respect for the game."-- Basketball player Michael Redd, on why he doesn't call table tennis, "ping pong."
"My wife was the biggest proponent, saying, 'It's a great opportunity. They're not going to ask you for 2012, that's for damn sure.'"-- Volleyball player Lloy Ball, on competing in his fourth Olympics.
"Stubborn? She's the one who's stubborn. Talk about a person who -- you just got me going. Talk about a person who's never wrong. There's not many things that get me mad but she's a neat freak, everything has to be in order. On the court she's kinda the same, she's never wrong. She's never caused a turnover in her life. Yesterday in the game she threw me a pass, a terrible pass, let me tell you. The girl intercepted it and she looked at me like I was crazy. I'm like 'What do you want me to do?'"-- Basketball player Diana Taurasi, about teammate Sue Bird in response to Bird calling Taurasi stubborn in another interview.
"I call him Captain Pokey, because he loves to sail. He's a sailor and he has this shot he loves to do where he pokes it with his two knuckles."-- Beach volleyball player Mike Lambert, referring to his teammate Stein Metzger.
"In the middle of the 30-second breaks (between periods) -- and I think I lost quite a few first periods -- I would go back to the corner and I would just look at that guy, whoever it was I was wrestling, and it seemed like they were shrinking. I just knew I was about to tear off into him when I went back out there. That's a mental thing. The first time it happened, I was like, 'Did that dude just get smaller?' I was willing myself to make that happen. 'Oh yeah, they're shrinking. They're all getting smaller. I'm about to kill this guy. What is he, a 55-kilo over there?'"-- Greco-Roman wrestler Dremiel Byers, on psyching himself up during a match.
"With my little chicken legs, I broke the world junior record in the 200m, I broke Marion Jones' high school 200m record, I won the silver medal at the 2004 Olympic Games and I was World Champion in the 200m in 2005 and 2007. When I hear about being called 'Chicken Legs' now, it brings up a lot of memories. I just think back to that time in the weight room with my friends and see where I came from and what I was able to accomplish in spite of that and maybe even because of that. Now, I can kind of look back and laugh at it."-- Sprinter Allyson Felix, on embracing a nickname.
"In women's distance running, you don't usually see a person that's 145 pounds out there to race. Mostly you have a bunch of little 105, 110 pound girls out there. Most people my size would have stayed in soccer and basketball. For me, track and field just worked out really well."-- Track and field athlete Erin Donohue, on overcoming her size to excel in distance running.
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: weird-websites.com
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It's time to retire from active sports participation when...
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Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
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In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
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It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
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It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
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It takes twice as long to look half as good.
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It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
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Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
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No one expects you to run into a burning building.
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People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
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People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
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The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
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The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
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The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
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The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
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The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
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There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
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Things you buy now won't wear out.
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When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
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When happy hour is a nap.
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When tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
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When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
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When you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
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When you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.
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When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
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When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
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When you stop buying green bananas.
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When you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
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When you were in school there was no history class!
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When your birth certificate says expired on it.
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When you're told to act your own age, and you die.
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You and your teeth don't sleep together.
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You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf course.
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You are proud of your lawn mower.
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You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
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You burn the midnight oil until 9:00 P.M.
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You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
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You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
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You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
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You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
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You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
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You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
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You don't remember being absent minded.
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You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
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You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
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You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night before.
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You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
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You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
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You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
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You get exercise acting as a pallbearer for friends who exercise.
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You get winded playing chess.
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You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
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You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
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You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
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You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
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You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
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You look both ways before crossing a room.
You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
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You look forward to a dull evening.
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You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
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You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
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You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
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You sing along with the elevator music.
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You sink your teeth into a steak ...and they stay there.
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You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
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You start video taping daytime game shows.
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You take a metal detector to the beach.
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You turn off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
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You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
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You wear black socks with sandals.
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You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
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You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
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You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
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Your back goes out more than you do.
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Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
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Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
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Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
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Your ears are hairier than your head.
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Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
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Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
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Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
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Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
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Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
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Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
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Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
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Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
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Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
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Your pacemaker raises the garage door when you see a pretty girl go by.
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Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
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Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
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You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
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...And a sure sign its time to retire is when your doctor says:
"I've got bad news for you. You have cancer and Alzheimer's disease."
And you reply, " Whew, that's good news as long as I don't have cancer!"
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: racingandsports.com.au
There is just as much horse sense as ever, but the horses have most of it.
A horse is a thing of such beauty. . .none will tire of looking at him as long as he displays himself in his splendor.
There are fools, damn fools, and those who remount in a steeplechase.
Men are generally more concerned of the breeding of their horses than of their children
You can tell a horse owner by the interior of their car. Boots, mud, pony nuts, straw, items of tack and a screwed-up waxed jacket of incredible antiquity. There is normally a top layer of children and dogs.
God forbid that I should go to any Heaven in which there are no horses.
"Dog lovers hate to clean out kennels. Horse lovers like cleaning stables."
Horses have never hurt anyone yet, except when they bet on them."
Riding: The art of keeping a horse between you and the ground.
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sportsfanatics247.com
Image: readexpress.com
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CROQUET QUOTES
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The first true example of extreme croquet appeared in the 1920's, when Herbert Swope, publisher of the New York World, built a new course on his Sands Point, Long Island estate. The course was so large that players had to shout to one another. It had sand traps, bunkers, rough, and Long Island Sound waiting in the distance.
In the United States, eXtreme croquet took a step forward in the late 1970's with the development of "Guerilla Croquet", invented by collegiate champion Hans Peterson and his partners at Croquet Magazine, Bob Alman and Michael Orgill. Another entry into the eXtreme category came from Nevada's Black Rock Desert, where trucks with oversize tires smash six-foot balls through giant hoops.
The first known eXtreme croquet club, the Krocketklubben R.Ã….S.O.P., was started in Sweden in April, 1975 by students at the Linkoping University of Technology. They continue playing today and after 25 years they still enjoy the distinction of being the grandaddy of all modern-day clubs.