FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: e-jokes.net

"BIG RED"

HORSE RACING QUOTES

Grand National winning jockey Mick Fitzgerald: "Sex is an anti-climax after that!" Desmond Lynam (sports presenter): "Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everyone saw that." (BBC)

Willie Carson, riding his 180th winner of the season, spent the last two furlongs looking over one shoulder, then another between his legs, but there was nothing there to worry him." (Sporting Life)

The US Postal Service honored legendary race horse champion Secretariat with his own postage stamp. That shows you how strange life is for racehorses. You win the race, you wind up on the front of the stamp. Lose a race, you wind up on the back.

Jerry Seinfeld, on what a horse must think after a race is over: "They must get to the end and go, 'We were just here.' What's the point of that?"

D. Wayne Lukas, referring to Kentucky Derby and Preakness Stakes winner, and gelding, Funny Cide: "The ultimate equipment change."

Kenny Mayne, before the running of the Belmont Stakes: "Other than being castrated, things have gone quite well for Funny Cide."

Joe E. Lewis, comedian: "This is the only place where the windows clean the people."

Vic Stauffer, track announcer at Hialeah in 1993, calling a race with a horse named Altmagraenguida, after two vain attempts at pronouncing the horse's name, he surrendered during the stretch run: "Here comes the number 4."

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Image: upload.wikimedia.org

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: bored.com

SPORTS ONE-LINERS

Gary Player
The first time I ever saw Arnold Palmer, I said, "There's a star." The first time I saw Jack Nicklaus, I said, "Superstar." I feel the same way about Tiger Woods.

Blaise Pascal
Thus so wretched is man that he would weary even without any cause for weariness... and so frivolous is he that, though full of a thousand reasons for weariness, the least thing, such as playing billiards or hitting a ball, is sufficient enough to amuse him.

General George Patton
Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, disregard of all rules, and sadistic pleasure in witnessing violence: in other words it is war minus the shooting.

William Shakespeare
If all the year were playing holidays; To sport would be as tedious as to work.

William Wordsworth
Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.

George Will
Scholars concede but cannot explain the amazing chemistry of Cub fans' loyalty. But their unique steadfastness through thin and thin has something to do with the team's Franciscan simplicity.

Bob Verdi
What's unfortunate about buying a pitcher for $12 million is that he carries no warranty.

Bob Verdi
The bell that tolls for all in boxing belongs to a cash register.

Ken Venturi
You can't be compared to a Hogan or a Nicklaus until you do it. But... after having dinner with Tiger, he's the most mature 18-year-old golfer I've known.

Jesse Ventura
Wrestling is ballet with violence.

John Updike
Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.

Peter Ueberroth
Other sports play once a week but this sport (baseball) is with us every day.

Peter Ueberroth
Baseball is a public trust. Players turn over, owners turn over and certain commissioners turn over. But baseball goes on.

Peter Ueberroth
The integrity of the game is everything.

Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
Children's playthings are not sports and should be deemed as their most serious actions.

Jane Austen
I cannot think well of a man who sports with any woman's feelings and there may often be a great deal more suffered than a stander-by can judge of.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: littlecalamity.tripod.com

SPORTS ONE-LINERS

Wild animals never kill for sport. Man is the only one to whom the torture and death of his fellow creatures is amusing in itself.--James A. Froude (1818-1894), English historian

There are more fish taken out of a stream than ever were in it.--Oliver Herford (1863--1935),U.S. poet

The only athletic sport I ever mastered was backgammon.--Douglas William Jerrold (1803--1857), British playwright/journalist

The only polite thing to do when engaged in sky diving, hang gliding, ice climbing, or any other dangerous sport is to die. That's what everyone's waiting around for.--P.J. O'Rourke (1947--), Modern Manners, 1989

Sports begets tumultuous strife and wrath, and wrath begets fierce quarrels and war to the death.--Horace (65--8 B.C.), Roman satirist

I'll bet the hardest thing about prize fightin' is pickin' up yer teeth with a boxin' glove on.--Kin Hubbard (1868--1930), U.S. humorist

Games are the last resort of those who do not know how to socialize.--Robert S. Lynd, U.S. sociologist

Baseball is a fun game. It beats working for a living.--Phil Linz (1939--), U.S. baseball player

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sports.espn.go.com

Image: i.a.cnn.net

NBA BASKETBALL QUOTES

NBA has highest percentage of minority presidents in men's pro sports history

Associated Press
Updated: May 29, 2008, 4:21 PM


ORLANDO, Fla. -- The NBA had seven black top executives among its 30 teams during the 2007-08 season, the highest percentage of minority presidents and CEOs in men's professional sports history.


The 23 percent of black executives, plus high ratios of women and black vice presidents, helped the NBA receive the first overall "A" among men's sports teams, according to the report issued Thursday by Richard Lapchick.


Lapchick, the head of the University of Central Florida's Institute for Diversity and Ethics in Sport, has issued the report for nearly two decades. The seven black executives were three more than last year.

"It doesn't surprise me. It was a kind of gradual move toward that," Lapchick said.
The only other sport to receive an overall "A" has been the WNBA.

There were 12 black head coaches in the NBA last season. At 40 percent, it's the highest in all pro sports. A league-record 42 percent of assistant coaches were minorities.

The seven black presidents/CEOs were: Terdema Ussery, Dallas Mavericks; Fred Whitfield, Charlotte Bobcats; Steve Mills, New York Knicks; Billy King, Philadelphia 76ers; Larry Miller, Portland Trail Blazers; Joe Dumars, Detroit Pistons; and Isiah Thomas, New York Knicks.
King was fired in December, Thomas in April.

The Washington Wizards' Susan O'Malley, the first and only female president of an NBA franchise, stepped down last summer.

Charlotte's Robert Johnson remained the only black majority owner in men's pro sports.

Boston Celtics coach Doc Rivers has his team in the Eastern Conference finals against Detroit.
"When you want to win, color doesn't really come into play. I think our league understands that as well as anybody," Rivers said. "I think our league has done a terrific job of hiring the best person. I think that's what we need to continue to do."

Three of the 12 coaches -- Charlotte's Sam Vincent, Dallas' Avery Johnson and Thomas -- were fired by the end of the season.

While there will be fewer black coaches next year, "it always balances out in the end," Lapchick said. "They might go down to 10 head coaches the next year, but they'll bounce back up to 13."

There have been 54 black head coaches in NBA history, more than twice as many as any other sport. MLB is second with 26 minority managers.

The NBA had 15 percent of its team vice presidents positions occupied by minorities.
Women comprised 41 percent of professional employees in the league office, higher than any other sport and an increase of 2 percentage points after three years of decline, the study said.

At the end of the season, 58 percent of the NBA referees were white, 37 percent black and 5 percent Latino. Violet Palmer (see photo above) is the lone female ref.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: en.wikipedia.org

Willard Mullin (September 14, 1902 – December 20, 1978) was an American sports cartoonist. He is most famous for his creation of the "Brooklyn Bum",[1] the personification of the Brooklyn Dodgers baseball team. He was widely published: he cartooned daily for Scripps-Howard's New York World-Telegram and Sun for decades and was often published in Scripps-Howard's twenty papers, as well as in the Sporting News.[1] He received the Reuben Award for 1954 for his work, as well as the National Cartoonist Society Sports Cartoon Award for each year from 1957 through 1962, and again in 1964 and 1965.

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Image (Top): cagle.msnbc.com
Image (Center): animationarchive.org
Image (Bottom): sportsmediajournal.com

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sports.espn.go.com

NFL QUOTES

Former NFL coaches: Where are they now?

Updated: October 18, 2007

What other notable former NFL coaches are doing today:

Dan Reeves
NFL coaching career: Denver Broncos 1981-1992, New York Giants, 1993-1996. Atlanta Falcons 1997-2003.

Reeves Coaches corner: Reeves led the Broncos to three Super Bowl appearances and failed to win each time. Reeves was the Broncos' coach in the AFC Championship Game on January 11, 1987, when quarterback John Elway orchestrated a game-tying 98-yard touchdown drive. The Broncos won in overtime. In the 1998 season, Reeves led the Falcons to their only Super Bowl appearance in franchise history. He has a 201-174-2 NFL coaching record -- one of only seven coaches in NFL history with 200 wins.

Fast forward: Reeves, 63, lives in Atlanta and misses the preparation that comes with coaching. However, he has not distanced himself too much from the NFL. He serves as an analyst on NFL games for Westwood One radio, and as a motivational speaker.

Quote/unquote: "Being a head coach for 23 years in the NFL and learning under Tom Landry for 16 years, I feel like I have learned an awful lot about motivation and when I give speeches, people like to hear that stuff," Reeves said.

Chuck Noll
NFL coaching career: Pittsburgh Steelers 1969-1991.

Noll Coaches corner: Noll is the only coach in NFL history to win four Super Bowls. In his 23 years with the Steelers, Noll had a 209-156-1 record. He coached Hall of Famers Terry Bradshaw, Lynn Swann, John Stallworth and Franco Harris. Noll was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1993 and is fifth on the all-time wins list.

Fast forward: Noll, 75, has a bad back and walks with a cane. He also has stenosis, a painful condition that causes the spinal nerve roots to compress in the lower back. Noll was honored before the Steelers' last home game, against the Seattle Seahawks.

He was unable to attend a field-naming ceremony this summer in his honor at Steelers training camp in Latrobe, Pa. Before his back troubles, Noll played in a lot of celebrity golf tournaments. He and Marianne remain active donors to Pittsburgh Vision Services, a nonprofit agency that assists people who are blind or have vision impairments.

Quote/unquote: "Life has really slowed down for us the past year," said Noll's wife, Marianne. "We don't get out much."

Jim Fassel
NFL coaching career: New York Giants 1997-2003.

Fassel Coaches corner: Fassel led the Giants to their first Super Bowl appearance in 10 years when they lost to the Baltimore Ravens on January 28, 2001. The Giants won two division titles and made three trips to the playoffs in Fassel's seven seasons with the Giants. In a 2002 wild-card playoff game, the Giants blew a 24-point third-quarter lead to the San Francisco 49ers and ended up losing 39-38. Many blamed the loss on Fassel, who was fired after posting a 4-12 record in 2003. Fassel's NFL coaching record is 58-53-1.

Fast forward: Fassel, 58, lives in Scottsdale, Ariz., and helps run a commercial real estate business with his nephew. He also is a radio analyst for Westwood One and contributes once a week to ESPN "First Take." He wants to coach again and is waiting for a good opportunity.

Quote/unquote: "My nephew is always glad that I am in real estate with him," Fassel said. "He is kind of laid back and sometimes I have to get on the contractors. As a coach, you don't deal in a world of we might get something done. Instead, you like to say we will get this done today. I try to bring that attitude to real estate."

Bobby Ross
NFL coaching career: San Diego Chargers 1992-1996, Detroit Lions 1997-2000.

Ross Coaches corner: Ross led the Chargers to their only Super Bowl, a 49-26 loss to the 49ers in Super Bowl XXIX. That Super Bowl was perhaps best remembered for how quickly it was over -- the 49ers scored two touchdowns in the first five minutes. Ross was less successful in his tenure with the Lions, finishing with a 27-32 record.

Fast forward: Ross was also the head coach at Army for three seasons (2004-2006), compiling a 9-25 overall record. The 70-year-old lives in Lexington Va., on a three-acre lot overlooking the Blue Ridge Mountains. He loves spending time outdoors, cutting his grass and working on his yard.

Ross walks for 1.5 miles, runs on the treadmill for 1.5 miles and does eight or nine weightlifting exercises almost every day. In the fall, Ross travels the country attending a high school, college or pro football game each weekend -- usually with one of his 16 grandchildren. His 17th is on the way.

Quote/unquote: "I had grown kind of tired of coaching -- both physically and mentally," Ross said. "I left Army because I felt I was not able to give the energy that was needed to coach a football team." (Ross coached at Army from 2004-06.)

Tom Flores
NFL coaching career: Oakland Raiders 1979-1987, Seattle Seahawks 1992-1994.

Flores Coaches corner: Flores, who is Hispanic, was the first minority coach to win a Super Bowl. He won two Super Bowls with the Raiders (XV and XVIII). In 1988, he became Raiders general manager. A year later, he became president and general manager of the Seattle Seahawks and was the first minority NFL executive. He named himself coach of the Seahawks in 1992 and was fired as president and coach two years later.

Fast forward: Flores, 70, lives in Indian Wells, Calif., on a golf course. Flores has established an educational foundation, entering its 20th year, to help pay for projects in his school district. Flores is in his 11th season as a color analyst on the Raiders' radio network. He loves to cook, and his favorite dish is cioppino, an Italian seafood stew.

Quote/unquote: "It has been painful for me to watch," said Flores, referring to the Raiders' struggles the past few seasons. "It is frustrating and annoying."

Sam Rutigliano
NFL coaching career: Cleveland Browns 1978-1984

RutiglianoCoaches corner: Rutigliano was the coach of the famed "Kardiac Kids" in Cleveland. He led the Browns to a division title in 1980, and was named NFL Coach of the Year that same season. He was fired in 1984 after starting the season 1-7.

Fast forward: Rutigliano also coached in NFL Europe for seven seasons from 2000-06. He coached four years in Spain, two years in Germany and one year in Scotland. Rutigliano, 76, still lives in Cleveland and is an analyst on local television. His favorite activity is spending time with his children and grandchildren.

Quote/unquote: "From a pure development standpoint, I think NFL Europe was great," Rutigliano said. "It kept a lot of guys in the game who might have gone on to other careers. It was also fun to live and travel around Europe for 12 weeks a year."

Chuck Knox
NFL coaching career: Los Angeles Rams 1973-1977, 1992-1994, Buffalo Bills 1978-1982, Seattle Seahawks 1983-1991.

Knox Coaches corner: Knox led the Seahawks to their first playoff appearance, in the 1983 season, falling one game short of the Super Bowl. He led Seattle to its first division title in 1984. Knox won five straight NFC West titles with the Rams in the 1970s and won a division title with Buffalo in 1980. He was nicknamed "Ground Chuck" because he loved to run the football.

Fast forward: Knox, 75, lives in La Quinta, Calif., a Southern California desert town. He has a bad back and has been on and off painkillers. Even though Knox was an NFL head coach for 22 years, he almost gave up coaching to become a history professor. Knox loved history when he attended Juniata College, a small liberal arts college in Huntingdon, Pa. In 2005, Knox donated $1 million to the Juniata history department.

Quote/unquote: "It was great seeing everybody. [Rams owner] Georgia Frontiere did a first-class job," said Knox, referring to a recent two-day reunion among former Rams players at the Los Angeles Coliseum. Former Rams tight end Bob Klein and defensive tackle Merlin Olsen were also in attendance.

Dick MacPherson
NFL coaching career: New England Patriots 1991-1992.

MacPherson Coaches corner: Today, the Patriots are considered a model franchise, but that was not always the case. When MacPherson coached New England, many thought the Pats were headed to St. Louis. Most Patriots home games were not on local television, because the Pats failed to sell out their stadium. MacPherson finished with an 8-24 record in the NFL.

Fast forward: MacPherson, who turns 77 next week, spends most of the fall with the Syracuse football team, a team he coached successfully for 10 years (1981-1990).
He calls himself a bona fide cheerleader as he attends all the practices and games but does not give any coaching advice. MacPherson spends the winter in Florida and the summer in Maine.

Quote/unquote: "They probably made the right decision to fire me and bring in a guy like Bill Parcells," MacPherson said. "They needed a guy like that."

Wayne Fontes
NFL coaching career: Detroit Lions 1988-1996.

Fontes Coaches corner: Fontes was the last Lions coach to win a playoff game. The Lions defeated the Dallas Cowboys 38-6 in a divisional playoff game on January 5, 1992. They lost to the Washington Redskins in the NFC Championship Game the following week, 41-10. The Redskins went on to win the Super Bowl.

Fast forward: Fontes, 68, lives in Tarpon Springs, Fla., where he plays a lot of golf. Fontes watches the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and has become friends with coach Jon Gruden. He also watches the Lions at a local bar. If neither team is on TV, Fontes prefers to watch an old John Wayne movie.

Quote/unquote: "As great of a runner as Barry Sanders was, he was even a better person," Fontes said. "He did not care about numbers. I remember his rookie year. [The Lions] were winning big in our final regular-season game and Barry needed only 4 yards to lead the league in rushing and he said to me early in the fourth quarter, 'Are we going to win the game?' Winning was all that mattered to him."

Marv Levy
NFL coaching career: Kansas City Chiefs 1978-1982, Buffalo Bills 1986-1997

Levy Coaches corner: Levy coached the Bills to four Super Bowl appearances in four years during the 1990s. When former Bills RB Thurman Thomas was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in the summer, Levy was the presenter. He was also the presenter for Bills QB Jim Kelly in 2002. Levy became a member of the Hall of Fame in 2001.

Fast forward: Levy, 82, still lives in Buffalo and is the Bills' general manager. He is thankful, though, that he does not handle contract negotiations. Levy still maintains an active workout regimen and studies nutrition. He spends a couple of hours a day working out. Levy lives by the motto for every hour you work out, you add two hours to your life.

Quote/unquote: "The transition [from coach to GM] has been greater than I thought," Levy said. "As a coach on game day, you make 200 decisions and have 30 seconds to make each of them. As a general manager, you sit up in the press box and look wise."

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Image (Ross): usma.edu

Image (Fontes): cantonrep.com

Image (Levy): graphics8.nytimes.com

Image (Noll): fansedge.com

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sports.aol.com

Image: instablogsimages.com

SPORTS INSULTS

Tiger Woods is undoubtedly a busy man. I'm sure that for somebody with commitments like he has, there literally aren't enough minutes in the day.

So I guess I can't be surprised to discover that Woods doesn't watch hockey -- a little detail that leaked out at the end of a conference call yesterday ahead of this year's PGA Championship

(from the transcript):

JULIUS MASON: Mr. Woods, Julius Mason here. We're joined by about 75 of your closest friends and I think off the top of their head they have one burning question for you, Detroit or Pittsburgh tonight? In the Stanley Cup finals. (Laughter.)

TIGER WOODS: That's pretty good. I don't really care, let's talk about the Dodgers. (Laughter.)

JULIUS MASON: Politically correct as always and that's what we ?

TIGER WOODS: I don't think anybody really watches hockey any more. (Laughter.)

Woods' comments come at a pretty interesting time, as they were made just a few hours before the Penguins and the Red Wings triple OT thriller that scored a 4.3/8 rating -- the highest rating for a Game Five since 2002's Finals between the Red Wings and the Carolina Hurricanes.

And if any hockey fans are offended by Tiger's words fear not. Because as we all know too well, ratings for golf are slipping too. And while Tiger might think nobody cares about hockey anymore, we all know that if Tiger isn't in the hunt, nobody really cares about golf either.