SPECIAL EDITORIAL NOTE FROM SPORTS_NUT, 2/26/2011
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Welcome to the retirement edition of Funny Sports Quotes.
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The Funny Sports Quotes blog was created in 11/2007 after I could see I could become a blogger very easily using Google's 3-step process for creating a blog online.
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For me, like most, work is not my idea of a fun experience, so I had to choose the topic that I would most enjoy pursuing and that, for me, was finding and posting funny sports quotes for entertaining and, in some cases, educating an audience on facets of sports even the most ardent sports fans may not have been aware of.
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At the same time, I decided to compile a database of funny sports quotes that sports fans and quote fans could visit for "one-stop" shopping, thereby helping them to avoid the need to search elsewhere for sports quotes.
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So, from 11/2007 until 2/2011. I have compiled quotes on the Funny Sports Quotes blog and its sister blog, FSQuotes, that is accessible only from the Funny Sports Quotes blog.
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As of 2/26/2011, I believe I have achieved my objective first set in 11/2007, which signals for me the end of my funny sports quotes database project.
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Kindly note that I have already made the last post (SI Swimsuit) to the blog, shut off further entries to Comments, and I will shut off the email address sports.quotes@gmail.com on 03/14/2011.
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Also note that many features previously cited on this page have been removed, so that a bare-bones FSQ remains for your future reference.
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I do hope that my venture was successful in bringing a smile to your face or a skip to your step, since that was all FSQ was created for, your entertainment and pleasure.
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In closing, I wish you and yours, Godspeed!
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Tuesday, May 27, 2008

FUNNY SPORT QUOTES \ Source: eteamz.com

Image: littlelines.com
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SPORTS QUOTES

CHAMPIONS

If you're going to be a champion, you must be willing to pay a greater price than your opponent. Bud Wilkinson, coach

No team wins the championship holding its breath. Harvey Araton, sportswriter

There is only a half step difference between the champions and those who finish on the bottom. And much of that half step is mental. Tom Landry, Hall of Fame football coach

COMPOSURE

The ballplayer who loses his head, who can't keep his cool, is worse than no ballplayer at all. Lou Gehrig, Hall of Fame baseball player

Catching a flyball is a pleasure, but knowing what to do with it after you catch it is a business. Tommy Henrich, professional baseball player

CONCENTRATION

Concentration is the ability to think about absolutely nothing when it is absolutely necessary. Ray Knight, professional baseball player and manager

Keep your head up and you may not have to keep it down. Joe McCarthy, baseball manager

CONFIDENCE

What you're thinking, what shape your mind is in, is what makes the biggest difference of all. Willie Mays, Hall of Fame baseball player

Show me a guy who's afraid to look bad and I'll show you a guy you can beat every time. Lou Brock, professional baseball player

HITTING

Say you get four at bats; that's twelve strikes a game. If you can't hit four hard, you're not in the right business.Mike Piazza, professional baseball player

You don't think and hit at the same time. Yogi Berra, Hall of Fame baseball player and manager

The key to hitting is to relax, concentrate- and don't hit the ball to center field. Stan Musial, Hall of Famer

A hitter's impatience is the pitcher's biggest advantage. Pete Rose, Major League player

A decent hitter can hit a good pitch three times better than a great hitter can hit a bad pitch. Ted Williams, Hall of Famer

I don't like to sound egotistical, but every time I step up to the plate with a bat in my hands, I feel sorry for the pitcher. Rogers Hornsby, Hall of Famer

If you play for 10 years in the major leagues and have 7,000 at-bats and 2,000 hits, you have had a pretty fair career, but you've gone 0-for-5,000. Reggie Jackson, Hall of Fame player (1967-1987)

You must learn to make that first time up a key time by striving to find out as much about a pitcher as possible, and you do that by making him pitch. It's simple arithmetic: You figure to face a pitcher at least three to four times in a game. The more information you log the first time up, the better your chances the next three. The more you make him pitch, the more information you get. Ted Williams

When I'm on deck, I'm just thinking about seeing the baseball, and then seeing myself hit the ball hard. Mark McGwire, major-league player (1986-2001)

The best thought process is to hit the ball back through the middle, right back at the pitcher. That way, an outside strike and the inside strike become a reaction. Mike Lieberthal, major-league player (1994-present)

I use to watch every pitch into the catcher's mitt when I didn't swing. I started doing that when I was seven or eight years old. It gives you a longer look when you're taking a pitch. You track it all the way, right to the catcher's mitt. It's good practice for making you stay on the ball longer and helping you wait longer. Wade Boggs, major-league player (1982-1999)

A pretty good rule of thumb for amateur hitters is not to swing at a breaking ball until you are forced to with two strikes. Mike Schmidt

Choking up gave me better bat control. I would slide my hands an inch or two above the knob of the bat. Many people believe that choke hitters can't generate power, but Ted Williams choked up and he has over 500 career home runs on his resume. Joe Morgan

When I was a pitcher myself, I always figured that when I had the batters swinging I had them beat. It's the waiting batter that worries a pitcher. Then you have to keep on getting the ball over the plate. That is a continual strain on a pitcher and the very thing he likes least of all. George Sisler

It's easier to hit a breaking ball than a fastball, because you get more time to look at it. Tony Gwynn

It's not a wrist roll. It's a wrist snap. If you do it correctly, it keeps the barrel through the hitting zone without changing its path and without lifting over the ball and creating topspin. Dave Gallagher major-league player and college coach

A lot of young players believe choking up isn't manly or is a sign of weak hitting. Nonsense. Choking up is a smart move that shortens and lightens the bat. Choking up makes it easier for you to guide your bat to the ball. Wade Boggs

The most important thing about finding your grip is to remove tension. Anything you can do to take tension away helps, because tension destroys a batter. Charlie Lau

Whenever I brought my arms too close to my body, I tended to upper-cut the ball. The result? Too many fly-ball outs. That habit was tough to break. The late Nellie Fox, a Hall of Famer suggested that I flap my elbows whenever I was at the plate as a reminder to keep my arms away from my torso. I was only suppose to do this for a few days, but the "chicken flap" became part of my hitting routine. It kept my elbows out and got me ready to hit. Joe Morgan

Beating out a bunt isn't just as good as a hit, it is a hit. Wade Boggs

Walks aren't a sign of weak hitting- they'r a sign of smart hitting and team hitting..... Walks minimize outs, set up or sustain rallies, and win games. A walk may not always be as good as a hit, but walks creat base runners and base runners score runs. Wade Boggs

The main reason the average bunter fails is that he refuses to give himself up. Instead of bunting just to advance the base runner, the batter bunts with the idea in mind of beating it out for a bas hit, bunting and running at the same time. Joe DiMaggio

Ninety-five percent of fly balls are certain outs. Ground balls get through the infield for hits, move the runners up, and put pressure on infielders. They are always potentially productive. More runs are knocked in with ground balls than fly balls. Mike Schmidt

MISTAKES

When you make a mistake, there are only three things you should do about it; 1) admit it; 2) learn from it; 3) don't repeat it.Paul "Bear" Bryant, professional football coach

PITCHING

Good pitching will always stop good hitting and vice-versa.Bob Veale, professional baseball player

Stand on the rubber and read the writing on the mitt. Total focus. Shut the world out.Jan Reid, sportswriter

Strikeouts are boring--besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls. More democratic. Kevin Costner, actor, to his pitcher in Bull Durham

Never let the failure of your last pitch affect the success of your next one. Nolan Ryan, Hall of Fame pitcher (1966, 1968-93)

When pitchers are offensive, the batters become defensive. Ray Miller

My father once told me the harder you throw it, the less time you have to duck.
Doug Jones, major-league pitcher 1982, 1986-present)

In critical situations, I want our pitcher to go with his best pitch. Why would you want to get beat with your second-best pitch? Davey Johnson, major-league player (1965-78), manager

The most important pitch in the count for me is 1-1, because 1-2 and 2-1 are two different worlds. Greg Maddux

What's the use of doin' in three pitches what you can do in one? Grover Cleveland Alexander, Hall of Fame pitcher (1911-30)

When I get to 0-2 on a hitter, I like to get him out with the next pitch. I throw a lot of pitches as it is, I don't need to throw any extra ones. Bob Gibson

There are umpires that are pitchers' umpires and others that are hitters' umpires. What's important is that you throw to that particular umpire's strike zone- the one that is behind the plate that day. If you get frustrated with his zone, you're just going to hurt yourself. David Wells

The pitcher has to find out if the hitter is timid. And if the hitter is timid, he has to remind the hitter he's timid.Don Drysdale, Hall of Fame baseball player

Hitting is timing; Pitching is upsetting timing. Warren Spahn, Baseball Hall of Famer
Pitching is the art of instilling fear. Sandy Koufax, Baseball Hall of Famer

When the ball is over the middle of the plate, the batter is hitting it with the sweet part of the bat. When it's inside, he's hitting it with the part of the bat from the handle to the trademark. When it's outside, he's hitting it with the end of the bat. You've got to keep the ball away from the sweet part. To do that, the pitcher has to move the hitter off the plate.Don Drysdale, Hall of Famer

It helps if the hitter thinks you're a little crazy. Nolan Ryan, Hall of Famer

I became a good pitcher when I stopped trying to make them miss the ball and started trying to make them hit it. Sandy Koufax

If they get a hit, I'm throwing a one-hitter. If they get walk, it's my last walk. I deal with perfection to the point that is logical to conceive it. History is history. The future is perfect. Orel Hershiser

You're supposed to win when you have all your pitches going for you. You haven't become a good pitcher until you can win when you don't have anything. Sandy Koufax

Generally, low pitches are most effective because the batter sees only the top half of the ball and cannot hit it squarely. Tom Seaver

PREPARATION

Everyone wants to win on game day. Every coach and player walks on the field fired up and raring to go. But if they have not put in the time to prepare during the week, they will fall flat on their faces.Joe Gibbs, professional football coach

When you're through learning, you're through. Vernon Law, major-league pitcher (1950-51, 1954-67)

SECOND PLACE

In this country, when you finish second, no one knows your name.Frank McGuire, basketball coach
In this country, you either finish first or last, there is no second place. Buddy Werner, writer

SUCCESS

Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.Fred Shero, professional hockey coach

It's not how you start, it's how you finish. Barry Bonds, professional baseball player

If what you did yesterday still looks big to you, you haven't done much today. Chief Bender, ballplayer

You'll never reach second base if you keep one foot on first. Vernon Law, major-league ballplayer

The only way to make progress is to make more progress. Branch Rickey, team owner

VICTORY

I don't think we can win every game---just the next one.Lou Holtz, college and professional coach

You can learn a little from victory. You can learn everything from defeat. Christy Mathewson, major-leaguer

WINNING

In playing or managing, the game of ball is only fun for me when I'm out in front and winning. I don't give a hill of beans for the rest of the game.John J. McGaw, Hall of Fame baseball player and manager

The country is full of good coaches. What it takes to win is a bunch of interested players.Don Coryell

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: regjones.com

Image: img.metro.co.uk
"Has anyone seen my alligator shoes around this dump?"


GOLF QUOTES

"No game designed to be played with the aid of personal servants by right-handed men who can't even bring along their dogs can be entirely good for the soul." Bruce McCall in "The Case Against Golf," from Esquire.

"—not even Barbra Streisand celebrates herself as tirelessly as golf celebrates itself..." Bruce McCall in "The Case Against Golf," from Esquire.

"I look into their eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, 'I am going to bury you.'" Seve Ballesteros

"I'm disappointed, but I'm not going to run around like Dennis Rodman and head-butt somebody." Greg Norman on losing a six-stroke lead in the Masters.

"I screwed up. It's all on me. I know that. But losing this Masters is not the end of the world. I let this one get away, but I still have a pretty good life. I'll wake up tomorrow, still breathing, I hope. All these hiccups I have, they must be for a reason. All this is just a test. I just don't know what the test is yet." Greg Norman on the 1996 Masters.

"When someone has a bad day like that on the golf course, you say, Greg, you look good, you look fantastic. I like your shoes, I like your pants, I like your...well, the hat's okay. I mean, you need to keep it light. Instead they say, Greg, what's next? Suicide? Alcoholism? Drugs?" Bill Murray on the media's bludgeoning of Greg Norman after his 1996 Masters loss.

"You create your own luck by the way you play. There is no such luck as bad luck. Fate has nothing to do with success or failure, because that is a negative philosophy that indicts one's confidence, and I'll have no part of it." Greg Norman

"I don't know if I'll ever do it again or not, but frankly I don't really care." Jack Nicklaus on his sixth Masters.

"He can take his game to Europe , Africa , Asia or wherever he wants and the world will follow." Earl Wood's comment about his son, Tiger, who contemplates quitting the PGA and surrendering his card.

"He doesn't have a wife, he doesn't even have a girlfriend, so the only people he has to call on is me." Earl Woods commenting about Tiger after the Masters in 1997.

"Greed wounds more wallets than all the dice tables and horse tracks in America ." Dan Cook, San Antonio Express-News

"I've always tried to play golf with a golf club. I have a hard time driving with my rifle. I mean, 18 is really narrow ... I have no problem with the course, except for the tee shot on 18.'' Jack Nicklaus describing 443 yard number 18 at the 1997 Doral-Ryder Open, nicknamed Blue Monster.

"The hole from hell is back ... If you don't drive a golf ball at least 268 yards, you will need the U.S. Navy on your left and the French Foreign Legion on the right." Edwin Pope, Miami Herald sports writer, describing number 18 at the 1997 Doral-Ryder Open.

"The worst advice in golf is, 'Keep your head down.'" Patty Sheehan

"How can they beat me? I've been struck by lightning, had two back operations, and been divorced twice."Lee Trevino

"Don't let the bad shots get to you. Don't let yourself become angry. The true scramblers are thick-skinned. And they always beat the whiners." Paul Runyan, "Golf Digest"

"You're looking up. That's your problem.'' Graffiti on the underside of the roof of cart 47 at Sea Scape Golf Course, Kitty Hawk, North Carolina.

"Hitting a tree in west Texas is stranger than getting a hole in one."Mancil Davis, self titled "King of Aces" of the National Hole in One Association

"When I play my best golf, I feel as if I'm in a fog, standing back watching the earth in orbit with a golf club in my hands." Mickey Wright

"These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow." Sam Snead

"Here Eddie, hold the flag while I putt out." Walter Hagen to the Prince of Wales

"Never break your putter and your driver in the same round or you're dead." Tommy Bolt

"My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years." Lee Trevino

"Let's get after it." Rose Montgomery's signature expression, after spitting on her gloves at the start of a round. On June 2, 1992, at the age of 96, Rose aced the 100-yard 7th hole at Canyon Country Club in Palm Springs for her tenth career hole in one.

"A hole in one is amazing when you think of the different universes this white mass of molecules has to pass through on its way to the hole." Mac O'Grady

Tom Weiskopf's conversation with a couple of unimpressed Scots at the back of number 8 at Carnoustie after he hit a hole in one the week before the 1975 British Open. "Didn't you see my ball go in?" "Aye, laddie." "And you didn't even clap?" "Boot laddie, it didn't coont now, did it?"

"The swing is never learned. It's remembered." Bagger Vance, The Legend of Bagger Vance: A Novel of Golf and the Game of Life, by Steven Pressfield

"Don't be in such a hurry. That little white ball isn't going to run away from you." Patty Berg

"There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls." Lee Trevino

"To help your concentration, don't take too much time." Pam Barnett

"There's an old saying,'It's a poor craftsman who blames his tools.' It's usually the player who misses those three-footers, not the putter." Kathy Whitworth

"Indecision builds nervous tension and undermines any remaining confidence." Sharron Moran

"Hit it hard. It will land somewhere." Mark Calcavecchia

"No matter what happens - never give up a hole....In tossing in your cards after a bad beginning you also undermine your whole game, because to quit between tee and green is more habit-forming than drinking a highball before breakfast." Sam Snead

"A hungry dog hunts best." Lee Trevino

"You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen." Lee Trevino

"Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk." Grantland Rice

"The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie." George Deukmejian

"Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe." Author Unknown

"Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five." John Updike

"Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty." Harry Vardon

"As a golf professional I'll tell you the amount of flex you need in the shaft of your club. Remember, the more flex, the greater the strength you'll need to break it over your knee." David Wright

"The hardest shot is golf is the 90-yard wedge, where the ball has to be played off a tree, bounce back into a bunker, hit a stone, bounce onto the green, roll into the cup, hit the pin and drop in the cup. That shot is so tough I've only made it once." Zeppo Marx

"When Nicklaus plays wells well, he wins. When he plays badly, he finishes second. When he plays terribly, he finishes third." Johnny Miller

"Two things that ain't long for this world. Dogs that chase cars, and professional golfers who chip for pars." Lee Tevino

"If you like root canals and hemorrhoids, you'd love it there" Nick Price, describing The Ryder Cup experience

When informed that he was ranked first in fairway hits. Colin Montgomerie, the quick-witted Scot, replied, "That's great. They should put the hole in the fairway"

"Golf is a game where guts and blind devotion will always net you absolutely nothing but an ulcer." Tommy Bolt

"The greatest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for merely exercise." Tommy Bolt

"Real golfers don't miss putts, they get robbed." Author Unknown

"Unlike that other Scottish game of whisky drinking, excess in golf is not injurious to the health!" Sir Walter Simpson

"The most exquisitely satisfying act in the world of golf is that of throwing a club. The full backswing, the delayed wrist action, the flowing follow-through, followed by that unique whirring sound, reminiscent of a passing flock of birds, are without parallel in sport."Henry Longhurst

"Golf fairways should be made more narrow. Then everyone would have to play from the rough, not just me." Seve Ballesteros

"No golfer can ever become too good to practice." May Hezlet

"Grip it and rip it. It works for John Daly. It never worked for me. All I did was wear out golf gloves." Chuck Stark, The Sun Link, June 17, 2003

"If I had cleared the trees and drove the green, it would've been a great shot." Sam Snead

"Golf without Jones would be like France without Paris -- leaderless, lightless and lonely." Herbert Warren Wind, about Bobby Jones

"To be truthful, I think golfers are overpaid. It's unreal, and I have trouble dealing with the guilt sometime." Colin Montgomerie

"Nobody ever looked up and saw a good shot." Don Herold, 'Love That Golf'

"Golf is no longer a game of hitting the ball, finding it, and hitting it again. There is wind to be measured, whether that means tossing blades of grass in the air or studying the gentle movement of 60-foot high branches. There are caddie conferences for even the most routine shots. There are sports psychologists who tell players not to hit until they're ready." Doug Ferguson, Associated Press writer on the miserable state of pace of play in the PGA, "Even USGA admits it can't get golfers in gear" (Source: San Francisco Examiner)

"By the time you get to your ball, if you don't know what to do with it, try another sport." Julius Boros, a U.S. Open and PGA champion

"Live.....Laugh.....GOLF!!!" Kathryn Schaefer Plaum

"Golf is very much like a love affair, if you don't take it seriously, it's no fun, if you do, it breaks your heart. Don't break your heart, but flirt with the possibility." Louise Suggs

"Swinging at daisies is like playing electric guitar with a tennis racket: if it were that easy, we could all be Jerry Garcia. The ball changes everything." Michael Bamberger

"The number eighteen is symbolically meaningful because it is the numerical equivalent of the Hebrew word chai, which means life."

From To the Linksland by Michael Bamberger "I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything would be perfect."

Doug Sanders, former professional golfer "When you don't play very often, you just don't know what is coming next."

Peter Thomson, playing at the millennium British Open for the four-hole Past Champions Challenge. "Just have a Coke or something and watch the boys go past."

Sam Snead's advice to the gallery during the four-hole Past Champions Challenge Summer of 2000. Q: "What abandoned course is that?" A: "That, sir, is no abandoned course, that is where we play the Open championship." Sam Snead's conversation with a fellow passenger upon arriving by train at St. Andrews in 1946.

"I miss. I miss. I miss. I make." Seve Ballesteros describing his four-putt at Augusta 's No. 16 in 1988.

"Papa, trust your swing." Note written by ten year old Qass Singh pinned to Vijay Singh's golf bag during the 2000 US Masters (which Singh won).

"Golf is a game to teach you about the messages from within, about the subtle voices of the body-mind. And once you understand them you can more clearly see your 'hamartia,' the ways in which your approach to the game reflects your entire life. Nowhere does a man go so naked." Michael Murphy (author of Golf in the Kingdom)

"Hit 'em hard. They'll land somewhere." Stewart Maiden

"The trouble that most of us find with the modern matched sets of clubs is that they don't really seem to know any more about the game than the old one's did!" Robert Browning, A History of Golf

"My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered." Lord Robertson

"It is nothing new or original to say that golf is played one stroke at a time. But it took me many years to realize it." Bobby Jones

"A rough should have high grass. When you go bowling they don't give you anything for landing in the gutter, do they?" Lee Trevino

"Then I thought, with the same clubhead speed, the ball's going to go at least six times as far. There's absolutely no drag, so if you do happen to spin it, it won't slice or hook 'cause there's no atmosphere to make it turn." Alan Shepard talking about his moon shot to Ottawa Golf magazine.

"Got more dirt than ball. Here we go again." Alan Shepard, Apollo 14 Commander, Amateur-Golfer, preparing to take another swing during his famous moon walk in 1971.

"I am the toughest golfer mentally." Tiger Woods

"Golf is the cruelest game, because eventually it will drag you out in front of the whole school, take your lunch money and slap you around." Rick Reilly in "Master Strokes," from Sports Illustrated.

"When it's breezy, hit it easy." Davis Love, Jr.

"It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf." Robert Lynd

"They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that." Gardner Dickinson

"Golf is an easy game. It's just hard to play." Author Unknown

"As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round." Ben Hogan

"Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens." Bob Hope

"Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course, the space between your ears." Bobby Jones

"I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter then I'll stay in the bar." Bob Hope

"Golf practice - something you do to convert a nasty hook into a wicked slice." Henry Beard


FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: armchairgm.com

NHL'S ALL STAR COLLECTION
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NHL Quotes of the Week: December 9, 2007

"Not long ago, taking an aspirin was the medical solution for a concussion." — Columbus Blue Jackets coach Ken Hitchcock on today's increased awareness about this serious hockey health issue. (Not long ago, Hitchcock worked for the Philadelphia Flyers.)

"Non-smart people frustrate Brett [Hull], because he sees the game at a different level." — Hitchcock on his former Dallas sniper, who won a Cup as a player under Hitchcock in 1999 and now serves as the Stars co-GM with Les Jackson. (Indeed, Hull used to scream at Hitchcock: "You're the non-smartest coach I've ever had!")

"At the end of the day, the sun's going to come up." — Anaheim Ducks goalie J-S Giguere on staying positive after a 5-1 loss to the Edmonton Oilers. (And with the power of positive thinking, you can accomplish anything.)

"When we say, 'Go get him,' we never look to actually hurt somebody." — Former Detroit Red Wings star Ted Lindsay on how talk about "paying the price" could be misunderstood outside NHL circles. (Lindsay, 82, then exploded: "But that doesn't apply if we're talking about that dirty, rotten, no-good Maurice Richard!")

"Being Canadian, you want to play for Team Canada. With the talent that Canada has, they always have a chance to win. It would be nice to be part of that." — Sidney Crosby of the Pittsburgh Penguins on participating in the 2010 Olympics. (Crosby's daring announcement shocked international hockey pundits, who had expected him to suit up for Slovenia.)

"I have a lot of interests other than hockey. People [in Toronto] are talking about hockey 24 hours a day." – Sean Avery of the New York Rangers on one of his frustrations with his hometown in the wake of the November 10 pre-game controversy involving him and Toronto's Jason Blake and Darcy Tucker. (Still unconfirmed are reports that the NHL's most-hated player will change his name to "Sean da Vinci.")

"Daniel and Henrik have probably played together their whole life. They are nifty. They really have great feel for each other." — Nashville Predators goalie Dan Ellis after the Sedins stung him on two goals in a 5-2 Vancouver Canucks win on December 6. (Ellis changed "probably" to "definitely" after being shown Mrs. Sedin's ultrasound photos.)

"I start thinking about what I'm going to wear the next morning. I get the suit or jacket that I'm going to wear and I hang it up in my bedroom. Before I go to bed, I put different ties with it. So, I'm thinking about that suit all week." — Hockey Night in Canada commentator Don Cherry on picking out his wardrobe for his Coach's Corner segment. (Questioned about the psychological dimensions of this practice, Cherry barked: "Fetishism? That Russian? Wendel beat the snot out of him!")

"We got suspensions for laying people low, not head shots. Bullies? People forget, every night was a 20-minute brawl and 3.5-hour game because of the fights. Under today's rules, every hit from our era would be a two-minute or five-minute penalty." – Former Philadelphia Flyers goon Bob "Hound Dog" Kelly on the difference between the 1970's Broad Street Bullies and the roster that's accumulated five suspensions for dirty hits this year. (Kelly added that if any of today's so-called tough guys want to go, they know where to find him, Moose Dupont, Don Saleski, and Dave Schultz.)

"Dion [Phaneuf] doesn't know any name plates, he just knows sweater colours. And that's the great thing about his game." – Calgary Flames coach Mike Keenan on the physical approach Dion Phaneuf takes with opposing forwards. (Before games, Phaneuf psychs up with Celine Dion's "The Colour Of My Love.")


FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: baseball-almanac.com

BASEBALL SLANG

"The bases were drunk, and I painted the black with my best yakker. But blue squeezed me, and I went full. I came back with my heater, but the stick flares one the other way and chalk flies for two bases. Three earnies! Next thing I know, skipper hooks me and I'm sipping suds with the clubby."

Ed Lynch, baseball pitcher and later baseball executive

What did Ed just say?

To those not familiar with baseball slang, here is an interpretation from Sports_Nut:

The bases were loaded as Ed pitched his best curve just over the edge of the plate, but the umpire called a ball, not a strike, making the count 3 balls, 2 strikes, instead of 3 strikes and out for the hitter! Now Ed throws his best fast ball, which the batter just barely hits over the infield right on the opposite foul line for a double, allowing the runners to score 3 earned runs. Ed is approached by the manager, who takes the ball from Ed and sends him to the clubhouse to think over what might have been over some beer with the clubhouse manager.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: dennispope..wordpress.com







OZZIE GUILLEN



BASEBALL INSULTS

Ozzie's the best quote in all of sports

May 5, 2008 ·

A friend once said: "Ozzie's the best."

Now, this guy definitely had a fondness for Black Sabbath. But I think the same can be said of Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, who recently took verbal aim at everything in sight.

In doing so he again proved to be the best quote in all of sports. He blasted the Chicago fans, all of them. He blasted the media for oh, the umpteenth time. And he blasted Lee Elia, a former Chicago Cubs manager. Elia never met an f-bomb he didn't like and his April 29, 1983 rant about Cubs fans booing and heckling recently celebrated its 25th anniversary.

Elia's rant: ("Eighty-five percent of the fuckin' world is working. The other fifteen come out here. A fuckin' playground for the cocksuckers.") was outrageous at the time and even seems so compared to Ozzie, but I digress.

Ozzie's latest rant was unleashed before the White Sox even took the field in Toronto on Sunday and comes in the midst of a five-game losing streak. Reportedly, Guillen was asked a routine question about a minor leaguer and his chances of making the big-league team.

Guillen then offered this statement:

"Right now everyone in Chicago is making lineups – 'Call up this guy, call up that guy.' … If we had 50 people allowed on the roster, we could do that. That's what ticks me off about Chicago fans and Chicago media: They forget pretty quickly. A couple of days ago we were the fucking best stuff in town. Now we're shit. We won it a couple years ago, and we're horseshit. The Cubs haven't won in [100] years, and they're the fucking best. Fuck it, we're good. Fuck everybody. We're horseshit, and we're going to be horseshit the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win. We are the shit of Chicago. We're the Chicago Shit. We have the worst owner [Jerry Reinsdorf]. The guy's got seven fucking rings, and he's the fucking horseshit owner. How about the Cubs celebrating that Lee Elia bullshit? How many times do I curse people out? I will make a lot of money with my shit. I have to keep going because in the future Ozzie will need money, and I can say, 'Here, give me money, here's the 10-year anniversary of my time I called [Jay] Mariotti stuff and the time I went on the radio and cursed out Mike North. … People are panicking. Did we play a real bad week? Yes, we did, we stunk. But it wasn't too long ago that we were 'the biggest surprise in baseball, wow, look at the White Sox."

The White Sox were in first place in the American League Central Division until their recent skid. What's more, Guillen had been jovial with the media again. Gone was the cynical Ozzie from the past two seasons, the manager who was bitter and sullen to the media, the manager who was next to be fired.

This latest outburst, though, puts the spotlight back on the White Sox, and especially Guillen. If the Pale Hose don't make some noise this season, Guillen could find himself cursing the days he spent as manager of the Chicago Shit.
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Image (Ozzie Guillen, top to bottom):
media.commercialappeal.com
firedoug.com
toddand.com


FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: icapper.com


Horse Racing Quotes

"Slow, huh?"

"He ain't Count Fleet"

"But you say he's sound?"

"Sure. Doesn't run fast enough to hurt himself."

Dave Feldman, Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda


"Who makes the most money? Horse bettors first, followed by sports bettors. Then poker, golf hustlers, and blackjack and backgammon players" R.W. Munchkin, in Gambling Wizards.


"Playing the races appears to be the one business in which men believe they can succeed without special study, special talent, or special exertion." Racing Maxims of "Pittsburgh Phil"


"Gambling is a disease of barbarians superficially civilized."

Dean Inge, Wit and Wisdom of Dean Inge


If he plays being young and unskillful, for shekels of silver and gold,Take his money, my son, praising Allah, The kid was ordained to be sold. Rudyard Kipling, "Certain Maxims of Hafiz," Departmental Ditties and Other Verses


A profit at the race track isn't a profit until you spend it somewhere else. Charles Carroll, Handicapping Speed


"When Protagonist rallied to beat Stonewalk by two lengths, I could not explain the outcome of the race in any way that was consistent with my own philosophy." Andrew Beyer - on reconciling speed and class, in Picking Winners, A Horse Player's Guide


"A longshot wins a race. A disappointed bettor consults his Form and discovers that the longshot had been timed at 36 seconds in a breezing three-furlong workout a couple of days ago. No other horse in the race had worked so rapidly so recently. Powie! A new system is born! " Tom Ainslie, Ainslie's Complete Guide To Thoroughbred Racing


(In 1980, before well-known authors gave it a name, Steven L. Brecher spelled out the basis for "value" betting:)"The best horse is not necessarily the best bet. In order to evaluate a bet, we must know or be able to estimate two things: the probability of winning the bet, and the payoff if we win. Either factor alone is meaningless; it is the relationship between these two factors which determines the expected return of the bet." Steven L. Brecher, Beating The Races With A Computer, 1980.


"Any horse can win on any given day." Angel Cordero, Jr.


"Anybody can win unless there happens to be a second entry." George Ade


"If certainty about the past is so limited, must not certainty about the future be terribly slight? How can anybody wrench a profit from such confusion?" Tom Ainslie, Ainslie's Complete Guide To Thoroughbred Racing

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: pavilionview.blogspot.com

CRICKET (Baseball On Valium, Robin Williams)

Cricket quotes, 2005
(quotes courtesy: http://www.cricinfo.com/)


Mr. Humility:
"It took us so long to win a Test ourselves, and I don't feel qualified to make a statement on their cricket"Stephen Fleming remembers New Zealand cricket's dark ages when asked to comment on the current Zimbabwe side

After apparitions, Aussies court superstitions.
"Guys were being made to stay in the same seat so they didn't cause the fall of another wicket. You could dash to the toilet between overs but you had to be back in place before the next ball."Michael Slater reveals what went on - or, rather, what didn't - in the Australian dressing room during the last stages of the Old Trafford Test

....and irritation...
"I really get annoyed with this reverse swing term. It's either an outswinger or an inswinger, isn't it?"Former Australian captain Ian Chappell refuses to get to grips with reverse swing
Not all viewers are overjoyed by the zip-zap-zoom of this Ashes 2005:

"We were brought up watching opening batsmen score nine before lunch. If Geoffrey Boycott flashed at a ball outside off stump in the first over of a Test match, questions were asked in Parliament. If he flashed at two, the ravens abandoned the Tower of London."Brian Viner writes about the frenetic pace of the current Ashes series and wonders what happened to Test cricket as he knew it

Shane knows that LIFE 'finds a way', while wondering whether the same is applicable to other things rhyming:"Find a way to get back in to the game, find a way to build a partnership, find a way to bowling partnerships, find a way to catch a ball, find a way to stop it. "Shane Warne feels that "finding a way" should be the Aussies' slogan as they prepare for the Trent Bridge Test
Down Under they are finding more reasons for the unforeseen embarassment in the Ashes than they have scored runs.

Blame it on *.*:"Our blokes could go back and play the rest of the Test countries over the next two or three years and still average 55, and they'd do that standing on their head, because there is no other decent attack"Kim Hughes blames the poor bowling attacks around the world for Australia's ineptness against the pace of England

But some Aussies remain as impolite as ever - hard to believe that the speaker nearly cost Australia the epic 1999 WC semi-final by dropping Klusener in the penultimate over:"England are playing pretty well, but I'm just not sure they know how to win yet" Former Australian medium-pacer Paul Reiffel zeroes in on the problem.

A handful of Brits are no less mouth-shooters when the subject of discussion is one of the eternal enemy: "Jason Gillespie is a 30-year-old in a 36-year-old body" Former England captain Bob Willis fires away.

You can hardly blame these fans though..."Most teams, you know, only the next player to bat puts pads on. With Zimbabwe, everyone puts pads on." A Zimbabwe supporter half-jokingly comments on his national team.

And then there are the customer-oriented broadcast companies who think nothing of eating hats: "We felt it would better suit smoother scheduling for our customers if we switched matches." Carol Wong, a spokeswoman for telecom company PCCW in Hong Kong, explains the rationale behind the decision to cut short the final moments of the Edgbaston Test to switch to the epic between Zimbabwe and New Zealand at Harare.

Customer service is not exclusive territory of broadcasters - some can be pretty 'unitary' in their approach and make things real customised for 'appealing' men..."Freddie is a big unit and likes to get very animated when he is appealing, which puts extra duress on the crotch area of his trousers." Andrew Flintoff's trouser manufacturer explains why the big man needs a reinforced crotch.

Pigeon finally lets out his mysterious method of success in the excitement of getting 500 (wickets, I meant):"I just try to bore the batsmen out. It's pretty simple stuff but the complicated thing is to keep it simple". Glenn McGrath reveals his formula, after marching into the exclusive 500 club. Did that sound easy?

Listen to this and you'll know that 600 is a 'pizza' walk compared to 500:"My diet is still pizzas, chips, toasted cheese sandwiches and milkshakes. I have the occasional six-week burst where I stick to fruit and cereal: it bloody kills me."Shane Warne on the not-so-secret ingredients to his success.

Failures can be easy to take when you have a caring family: "He said he feels rather honoured to have jokes made about him. It's quite funny really. For us it's hard to hear - he's not the worst-ever English wicketkeeper, he's my brother." Geraint Jones's sister Mari Vines wonders what all the fuss is about.

Not all cricketers though are (f)ready to let family into the game...or the name:"I did call him Freddie once, but he said: 'No, you can't call me Freddie. I'm Andrew to you'." Rachel Flintoff on life in the Flintoff household.

..but only a few must think of more innovative ways to welcome new entrants to the family than Strauss: "[Kevin Pietersen's] only real weakness he has shown so far in his England career is an ability to come up with some ridiculously stupid comments, which has added great value to the dressing room." Andrew Strauss speaks for the nation.

It's pretty hard to walk the talk - or even talk the walk: "I wouldn't nick it." Adam Gilchrist's response to whether he would walk if Australia were two short of victory in the final Test with one wicket at hand.

Boycs on the origin of Twenty20: "We can get a man on the moon, yet we can't find a white cricket ball that lasts 80 overs." Geoff Boycott shoots from the hip during the annual Cowdrey Lecture.

Pre-Ashes talk:

An Aussie or two somehow saw it coming...."This England attack is a really nasty mob - and they mean business."

Rodney Hogg, another Australian hardman, on the current England side...amidst a pigeon - er, legion of old-world kangaroos: "We find it both amusing and amazing how they always talk it up with about 12 months to go, telling everyone that they've finally got the team to beat us."

Glenn McGrath remarks on the unsurprisingly enormous hype before the Ashes.
"England talk themselves up every time and obviously they've got a bit better this year but our side's still proven." Tennis star Lleyton Hewitt backs his Aussie mates to bounce back.

We also have an Englishman who still doesn't know if he was right or wrong to predict...."I think England will win a Test. My concern is Australia will probably win two." Geoffrey Boycott reveals his deepest fears.

A typical Aussie response to the Pommie bouncers flying fast and furious since their B'desh loss: "One day we'll lose the Ashes and it will be as horrific as waking up after a night on the drink in a room full of images of Camilla Parker Bowles." Sydney's Daily Telegraph hits out at the 'gloating pommies' who have been rubbing it in since the Bangladesh defeat.

And the English skipper issues a certificate on his 'big'gest weapon: "Yes, Freddie's got a big wrist. He's got a big everything ..."

Michael Vaughan laughs off speculation about Andrew Flintoff's bowling action..while skipper-before-last conjures up the advice for seven ages: "I played seven Ashes series against Australia and lost all seven but before every one of them I always went in with the attitude, `We can win this.' " Alec Stewart's opinion on the right attitude to take on Australia. That's the spirit, Alec - times do change for the better.

And we'll have an Aussie vouch for that -"When I first started they put the beers on ice. Now they put the players on ice."Former Australia international Darren Lehmann remarks on how Australia's pre-match preparations have improved over the years.

And to finish with in the sub-continent, Some Sri Lankans really meant it when they said they missed Lara - Murali excluded: "My disappointment at not seeing Lara this time is bigger than an elephant."

Percy Abeysekera, the most well-known Sri Lankan fan, is not overjoyed with the West Indies team currently touring his country and Shahid's 'Cain'y understatement..." At times, even two brothers can have a little fight."Shahid Afridi's take on his dressing-room clash with Younis Khan at Barbados.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: community.comcast.com

Image: i.pga.com
ARNOLD PALMER AND "ARNIE'S ARMY"
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SPORTS INSULT (GOLF)

Arnold Palmer sliced a ball into a ditch in the deep rough, and was considering taking an unplayable lie.

He looked up and saw Jim Murray, the great sportswriter from California.

"Hey Jim," said Arnie, "You're always writing about Hogan. What would Hogan do in a situation like this?"

"Hogan wouldn't be in a situation like that." said Jim Murray.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: brocawblazers.com

TRACK AND FIELD
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Running Sayings
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==========Pre Quotes
=="To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift."
=="Some people create with words, or with music, or with a brush and paints. I like to make something beautiful when I run. I like to make people stop and say, "I've never seen anyone run like that before." It's more then just a race, it's a style. It's doing something better then anyone else. It's being creative."
== "Having a true faith is the most difficult thing in the world. Many will try to take it from you."
== "Don't be afraid to give up the good to go for the great."
=="You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back."
=="A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else."
=="Life's battles don't always go to the strongest or fastest man, But sooner or later the man who wins is the fellow who thinks he can."
=="Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you traveled from where you started."
=="Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."
=="If you fail to prepare, prepare to fail."
==Something inside of me just said 'Hey, wait a minute, I want to beat him,' and I just took off.You have to wonder at times what you're doing out there. Over the years, I've given myself a thousand reasons to keep running, but it always comes back to where it started. It comes down to self-satisfaction and a sense of achievement. What kind of crazy nut would spend two or three hours a day just running?
==(This is how Steve reacted in Junior High when he saw the High School Cross country team running) "A race is a work of art that people can look at and be affected in as many ways they're capable of understanding." "A lot of people run a race to see who is fastest. I run to see who has the most guts, who can punish himself into exhausting pace, and then at the end, punish himself even more. Nobody is going to win a 5,000 meter race after running an easy 2 miles. Not with me. If I loose forcing the pace all the way, well, at least I can live with myself."
=========Other Quotes
= "Man imposes his own limitations, don't set any"-Anthony Bailey
="Human beings are made up of flesh and blood, and a miracle fiber called courage"-George Patton
=Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare. -Japanese Proverb
=Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed.Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up. It knows that it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve.It doesn't matter whether you're a lion or a gazelle when the sun comes up you'd better be running.(But, unless you're a runner, you won't understand.)-Anon
=Real athletes run others just play games Champions do not become champions when they win the event, but in the hours, weeks, months and years they spend preparing for it. The victorious performance itself is merely the demonstration of their championship character.-- T. Alan Armstrong
=The greatest pleasure in life, is doing the things people say we cannot do.-- Walter Bagehot
=My feeling is that any day I am too busy to run is a day that I am too busy.--John Bryant
=Cowards die many times before their deaths, the valiant never taste death but once.--Julius Ceaser
=The nine inches right here; set it straight and you can beat anybody in the world.--Sebastian Coe(as he said this Coe held his fingers up to his head)
=The great thing about athletics is that it's like poker, sometimes you know what's in your hand and it may be a load of rubbish, but you've got to keep up the front.--Sebastian Coe
=Tomorrow is another day, and there will be another battle!--Sebastian Coe(a few minutes after a 2nd place finish in the 800m Olympic Games final in Moscow 1980, he later won the 1500m , he had been favored to win the 800m)
=Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.-- Confucius
=All it takes is all you got.--Marc Davis
=Run like hell and get the agony over with.--Clarence DeMar
=The five S's of sports training are: Stamina, Speed, Strength, Skill and Spirit;but the greatest of these is Spirit.--Ken Doherty
=The only tactics I admire are do-or-die--Herb Elliott
=Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself.--William Faulkner
=You have a choice. You can throw in the towel, or you can use it to wipe the sweat off of your face.--Gatorade
=Ability is what you are capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it. --Lou Holtz
=It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it.--Brooks Johnson
=If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want -- Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway.--Don Kardong
=Other people may not have high expectations of me, but I have high expectations for myself.-- Shannon Miller
=Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.--- Will Rogers
=When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.--Theodore Roosevelt
=You can fight without ever winning, but never ever, win without a fight.--Rush (the Band)
=I had as many doubts as anyone else. Standing on the starting line, we're all cowards.-- Alberto Salazar
="The thing about Pre is that he ran as hard as he could every race, and if you were going to beat him, you were going to have to run harder than he did."--Bob Kennedy
="When you are a up-and-coming runner in the U.S., and making some breakthroughs in distances, Pre is still the man that you are compared to. It's always based on Pre."--Bob Kennedy
=It is a rough road that leads to the heights of greatness.--Seneca
=Do a little more each day than you think you possibly can.-Lowell Thomas
=Good judgement is the result of experience, experience is the result of bad judgment.--Mark Twain
=Stadiums are for spectators. We runners have nature and that is much better.--Juha Vaatainen
=Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed.--Booker T. Washington
=Running is real and relatively simple…but it ain't easy.--Mark Will-Weber
=Once you're beat mentally, you might as well not even go to the starting line.--Todd Williams
="The will to win is worthless, without the will to prepare."
="Cross Country: No half times, no time outs, no substitutions. It must be the only true sport"
="Running is a mental sport...and we're all insane!"
=Learn to run when feeling the pain: then push harder.
= "If you want to win a race, you have to go a little berserk."
= Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you will land among the stars- Les Brown
=The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.- Martin Luther King, Jr.
=If you want to make God laugh, just try and make plans for the future.- Ron Litzler
=The true test of a man's character is what he does when he knows he won't get caught.-Anonymous
=Nothing gives one person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances.-Thomas Jefferson
="No one ever drowned in sweat."
="Gold medals aren't really made of gold. They're made of sweat, determination, and a hard-to-find alloy called guts." -Dan Gable
="To win without risk is to triumph without glory." -Pierre Cornielle
="In running, it doesn't matter whether you come in first, in the middle of the pack, or last. You can say 'I have finished.' There is a lot of satisfaction in that."
="Only think of two things - the report of the pistol and the tape. When you hear one, run like hell until you break the other." -Sam Mussabini
="It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud." -Adidas ad
="Cross Country - Finally a practical use for golf courses."
="Some people don't have the guts for distance racing. The polite term for them is sprinters."
="Cross Country philosophy...the faster you run the faster you're done."
="Pain is only temporary, Pride is forever,Pain passes with time and Time passes,therefore Pain is just a strain on the Brain without Refrain,and that's why Cross Country runners are Insane." -t shirt
="Listen to your body. Do not be a blind and deaf tenant." -Dr. George Sheehan
=Sunshine is delicious,Rain is refreshing,Wind braces us up,Snow is exhilarating,There's really no such thing as bad weather,Only different kinds of good weather."

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: listafterlist.com

Image: coverups.com
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Opening Day Baseball Quotes

Opening Day of the baseball season could be considered a National holiday in the United States, after all, it is the national pastime. Here are some famous quotes about MLB's opening day:

You always get a special kick on opening day, no matter how many you go through. You look forward to it like a birthday party when you're a kid. You think something wonderful is going to happen. - JOE DIMAGGIO

There is no sports event like Opening Day of baseball, the sense of beating back the forces of darkness and the National Football League. - George Vecsey

The good thing about Opening Day is, at the end of the day it counts. It's on record. - Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins

"People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring." - Rogers Hornsby

"A home opener is always exciting, no matter whether it's at home or on the road." - Yogi Berra
This shit don't count. This shit don't go on the bubble gum card." - Rickey Henderson on spring training

I love Opening Day. I think we all do, whether it's the players, coaches or front office. It's just a special day in our American culture. It's weaved into the fabric of what we are, and I think it's a great day. - Padres manager Bud Black

Every Opening Day, I have this tradition. I pray -- hard. One prayer for each loss in the previous season. It usually takes all day. But I think it's working. - Royals fan "Troy" in Liberty, Mo.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: sportsmediaamerica.blogspot.com




Sports Media America

A wide-ranging examination of American sports, the media that cover it, and the issues behind the gamesmanship
Thursday, August 24, 2006

Andy Rooney Weighs in on New NFL Commissioner

[Editor's note: We at SMA have long been fans of the witty erudition of Andy Rooney, renowned pundit on CBS' "60 Minutes." When plannning a story on the new incoming NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, it occurred to us that Rooney would be the only journalist who could find the right angle, and put the proper spin on, Goodell's ascension to this lofty position. So, herewith, we proudly present Mr. Rooney's incisive and, of course, rib-tickling commentary.]


The NFL has a new commissioner, Roger Goodell. There were stories about him online and elsewhere. I read one. He's the son of a former New York congressman named Charles Goodell. I wasn't the least bit moved to learn anything more about him. He looks like a generic suit type who's worked his way up through the NFL hierarchy, which appears to be the way to get that job. What do you suppose the NFL commissioner does on a typical day? I mean, if there's no event that requires him to stand in front of a microphone and deliver an official position—which only happens rarely—what does he do? Watch ESPN? Call up Al Davis and ask him how his health is? Take the little quizzes on the NFL.com home page? Check the waiver wire? See how Carson Palmer's knee is coming along?

I assume he clocks in to an office. He's probably got a big office. A REAL big office. But the commissioner doesn't coach or own a football team. I don't guess he looks at game film. So what does he do?? Does he send a memo to IT to tell them they're spending too much money on outside vendors? Does he take a meeting with the HR director to make sure office hirings are diverse? Does he dictate a memo directing the on-site cafeteria manager to start ordering low-fat mayonnaise? No, I bet the NFL has other people to do these things.

The commissioner probably gets financial reports from all the teams. Looks 'em up and down. "Yep, we made a fortune last year." Every few years he probably oversees the deals the league makes with TV networks. But what if the TV contracts are all done for three to five years? What does he do on those days? I don't think he makes appearances at grammar schools or anything. That's what President Bush was doing on 9/11. But I don't think the NFL commissioner does things like that. I guess he makes speeches at places. But where? The ladies club? I don't think so. Conventions? Hmmm...I guess he could be a featured speaker at those, but I can't offhand think of one that would require any special message he might convey. ("Always treat your team owners with respect. Make them feel that THEY are making the decision...") I never heard of an NFL commissioner giving a commencement address. On the other hand, he'd be the perfect choice for the University of Miami's commencement address, seeing as a major percentage of their students are playing ball in the NFL.

Of course, the commissioner stays busy in April, when he's the point man for the NFL Draft and stays in front of a podium most of the day. He sprays his mouth with Chloraseptic, checks his tie ("Is it on straight?"), looks down at his piece of paper of probable draft names in guesstimated order, all phonetically spelled for him by his secretary ("Da-'Kwell Jack-son"), then makes sure he puts one foot in front of the other as he makes his way in front of the cameras. Later, he has a press conference where he announces what a tremendous draft the league had. Heady stuff.
But wait. Commissioners make "rulings": NO MORE CELEBRATING IN THE END ZONE. Then, when Chad Johnson does something funny after catching a TD pass, the commissioner sends a memo based on another ruling: FINE THAT MAN $20,000 FOR CELEBRATING EXCESSIVELY IN THE END ZONE.

The commissioner also defends the league's drug policy. WE HAVE THE FINEST DRUG POLICY IN ALL OF SPORTS. What a feather in the cap.

Let's face it, this is kind of a bullshit job most of the time. It's a high-paying bullshit job that requires someone with a reasonable intelligence to wend his way through the definite PR crunches, to show up at a few key games, to go on television if he chooses, and occasionally to make a decision or two (once in a long while). It seems like the commissioner would have a ton of time on his hands. (Does he surf porn??) No, the commissioner probably eats out a lot, that's what I'm thinking. You get a pot belly in that job. The banquet circuit, they call it. Otherwise, you are simply a name. If you're lucky, a personality. Paul Tagliabue, the outgoing commish (pictured, left), was a name. His personality seemed dry as dust. I suppose he was reasonably intelligent. Then when you retire they talk about your "vision for the league." Huh?

Here's the vision: Make sure all the teams split up their TV money equitably, hope the players play their asses off, and please God, don't let anyone die on the field on Monday Night Football.
I would just like to say that, if this Goodell guy doesn't work out, I'm throwing my hat into the ring. Could I e-mail someone to set up the interview? I'm intelligent, love football, KNOW football, and I can eat pretty well. I know how to talk from a podium. I'm pretty sure I can learn how to read a financial report. I endorse the league's drug policy. And I'm betting that I have a more colorful personality than at least Paul Tagliabue. He was commissioner, so why couldn't I be commissioner? I truly think it's a match.

Now, I might push for loosening the ban on end-zone celebrations. T.O. and Joe Horn are my heroes. Sharpies and cell phones. Now that's entertainment. Clinton Portis talks to his ball, then slaps it around a little. The one where they perform CPR on the ball is VERY funny. Who knows? That could come in handy some night on MNF when a geezer coach has a heart attack.
That's my official position, too.
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Image (Andy Rooney): dove777.com
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Image (Roger Goodell): media.collegepublisher.com

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: theshiznit.co.uk

TOP 20 MOVIE INSULTS  (OPINION)


Hey... shut up


Hollywood is a vicious place: if you don't have a pointed tongue and a wit to match that of Oscar Wilde, you might as well have 'DUNCE' tattooed on your forehead. Selecting the very best movie insults was an arduous task as there's simply so many to consider. What makes a great movie insult? Swearing will bump you up a few notches but only if used correctly – profanity should be used sparingly and imaginatively. Personal jibes always go down well, particularly about one's weight or mother. But what makes a really winning movie insult is whether it can be used by the everyman. Feel free to roll out any of the following twenty withering put-downs in everyday situations and wait for the kudos to roll in.

20. DODGEBALL (2004)
The insulter: Patches O'Houlihan (Rip Torn)
The situation: The eccentric Dodgeball coach gives his team a halftime pep talk and doesn't sugar-coat his instructions. Average Joe's will be average no longer.
The insult: "Will someone please catch a goddamn ball? It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to fuck a doorknob out there!"
Why it rules:
Paints quite a picture, doesn't it?


19. WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP (1992)
The insulter: Sidney Deane (Wesley Snipes)
The situation: Trash-talking on the basketball court, a number of 'yo momma' jokes are thrown around but this one really sticks.
The insult: "I seen your mother kicking a can down the street. I said 'What you doin'?' and she said 'Moving'"
Why it rules:
Nothing cuts to the bone like a 'yo momma' joke.
 
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That's all, folks!
 
 (Just 2 sports movies made this list at #19 and at #20!)





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