FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: barbill.org

Image: pennypulzgolf.com
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GOLF HUMOR \ INSULTS

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Shot terminology - some disparaging remarks, shot and situation descriptions to offer your opponent:

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Hitler When you can't get out of the bunker

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Rommel Gone from one bunker to another

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Scargill A great strike but a poor result

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Tarzan In the trees again

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Paula Radcliffe Messy looking follow-through

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Rodney King Over-clubbed that one

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OJ Simpson Somehow you got away with it

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Elephant's arse It's high and it stinks

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Sally Gunnel An ugly runner

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Kate Moss You thinned it

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Taking on the IRA Hitting a provisional

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Maradonna A nasty little five-footer

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Salman Rushdie An impossible read

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Cuban It needed one more revolution

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Glen Miller It kept low and didn't make it over the water

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Princess Grace Should have taken a driver

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Princess Di Shouldn't have taken a driver

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Robin Cook It just died going up the hill

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Michael Jackson Gradually fading

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Vinnie Jones Got a nasty kick when you weren't expecting it

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Bin Laden Never to be seen again

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Jonthan Aitken A desperate lie

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Jeffrey Archer Nothing but bad lies

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Gordon Brown It's going to cost you way more than you think

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Tony Blair Way too much spin

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: fencingsucks.com

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FENCING HUMOR
by Dave Barry

To the Point, this Fencing is the Stuff of Soaps

If you want to see a sport that combines the element of fast-paced action with the element of people screaming in French, you should check out Olympic fencing.

Actually, there are three Olympic fencing events: the "ipie," the "sabre" and "the third type of Olympic fencing event."

The object in all three is to touch your opponent with your weapon; the winner is the first fencer who, within the allotted time, swings across the room on the chandelier.

No, seriously, they score by touching the opponent in the Valid Target Area. The touches are monitored electronically via wires coming out of the fencers' backs, similar to the technology used to control Dan Rather. The fencers also wear face masks, so that they'll have something to whip off in a dramatic fashion when they want to complain to the referee.

They complained on almost every point in the bout I watched, between a Russian and a Frenchman. Here's how it went: The referee would give the traditional command of "En garde!" (literally, "Start your engines!") and the two fencers would rush together, and instantaneously, before your brain could register anything, various lights would go off, and the referee would make some incomprehensible hand signal, and both fencers would whirl toward the ref, yank off their masks and scream a noise that sounded like "AUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!" (literally, "Wipe the mayonnaise off your eyeballs!!!").

At the same time, in the audience, clots of French persons would scream and hurl garlic. Then one of the fencers, apparently selected at random, would be awarded a point, and the entire process would be repeated.

In between points I read the media guide put out by the U.S. fencing team, which contained these two Amazing Fencing Facts:

1. Neil Diamond attended New York University on a fencing scholarship.

2. The sport of fencing - this is a direct quote from the media guide - has been "included in dialogue" in the TV soap opera "As The World Turns." The media guide doesn't say what, specifically, the dialogue was. Probably it was something like:

LANCE: Oh Tiffany! I want ... I so much want to ...
TIFFANY: What, Lance? Tell me! Say it!
LANCE: I want to touch your Valid Target Area!
TIFFANY: I knew that, Lance, the moment I saw your epee.

by Dave Barry, Atlanta, 1996

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: opera.com

Image: southshields-sanddancers.co.uk

SNOWBOARDING QUOTES

"Work is for people who don´t snowboard"

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"I know a lot of people who used to ski but nobody who used to snowboard"

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" Many people attach snowboards to their feet but only few attach them to their souls"

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" Some people have all the fun. I like to call them snowboarders."

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" When the hell freezes over I´ll snowboard there too."

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“Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: quotedb.com

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SPORTS QUOTES & SPORTS-RELATED QUOTES

by Dave Barry

"A guy could have one major limb lying on the ground a full ten feet from the rest of his body, and he'd claim it was 'just a sprain'."

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"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing."

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"Admit it, sport-utility-vehicle owners! It's shaped a little differently, but it's a station wagon! And you do not drive it across rivers! You drive it across the Wal-Mart parking lot!"

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"Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog - to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster."

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"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."

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"Drug testing is very big in football. This is because football players are Role Models for young people. All you young people out there want to grow up and have enormous necks and get knee operations as often as haircuts. That's why the people in charge of football don't want you to associate it with drugs. They want you to associate it with alcohol."

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"Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?"

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"I assume you are on the Internet. If you are not, then pardon my French, but vous êtes un big loser. Today EVERYBODY is on the Internet, including the primitive Mud People of the Amazon rain forest. In the old days, when the Mud People needed food, they had to manually throw spears at wild boars; whereas today they simply get on the Internet, go to http://www.spear-a-boar.com/ and click their mouse a few times (the Mud People use actual mice). Within three business days, a large box is delivered to them by a UPS driver, whom they eat."

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"I don't know what the new Ford will be called. Probably something like the 'Ford Untamed Wilderness Adventure.' In the TV commercials, it will be shown splashing through rivers, charging up rocky mountainsides, swinging on vines, diving off cliffs, racing through the surf, and fighting giant sharks hundreds of feet beneath the ocean surface -- all the daredevil things that cars do in Sport Utility Vehicle Commercial World, where nobody ever drives on an actual world. In fact, the interstate highways in Sport Utility Vehicle Commercial World, having been abandoned by humans, are teeming with deer, squirrels, birds, and other wildlife species that have fled from the forests to avoid being run over by nature-seekers in multi-ton vehicles barreling through the underbrush at 50 miles per hour."

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[ Subtitle below added by FSQ editor ]

Special Note to NFL Cheerleaders:

"Males have a lot of trouble not looking at breasts. What is worse, males cannot look at breasts and think at the same time. In fact, scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. This was proved in a famous 1978 laboratory experiment wherein a team of leading male psychological researchers at Yale deliberately looked at photographs of breasts every day for two years, at the end of which they concluded that they had failed to take any notes. "We forgot," they said. "We'll have to do it over.""

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"Over the next hundred years or so football saw a great many major innovations and refinements that are too boring to even think about. Along the way professional football came into being so that the largest and most violent college players would have a way to earn money other than simply demanding it from innocent civilians."

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"Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter."

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"Talking about golf is always boring. (Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.)"

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Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough."

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"The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read, and they have far more teeth than would be necessary for a strictly seafood diet. Their mouths look like the entire $39.95 set of Ginsu knives, including the handy Arm Slicer.

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: baseballcrank.com

June 19, 2004
BASEBALL:

Quotes of the Week

David Weathers, on being traded to Houston:

David Weathers said one of the toughest parts of getting dealt to Houston was telling his 4 1/2-year-old son Ryan, who is a fixture in the New York clubhouse.
"He was crushed," Weathers said. "He told me, 'you can be an Astro. I'm gonna be a Met.' And then he didn't come out of his room for almost an hour."


Richard Hidalgo, on rumors (prior to the deal being finalized) of his being traded to the Mets:

"I don't think about it," he said of the trade talks. "They're the ones thinking about it (in New York). I don't have anything to say about that, but New York doesn't scare me. I've played in Venezuela."

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: thesportingnews.com

Sports Quotes

"I'm in favor of it as long as it's multiple choice." Kurt Rambis, on drug testing

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"The only reason I'm coming out here tomorrow is the schedule says I have to." -Sparky Anderson-

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"I only had a high school education and believe me, I had to cheat to get that." -Sparky Anderson

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"All last year we tried to teach him (Fernando Valenzuela) English, and the only word he learned was million." Tommy Lasorda

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"Everybody pities the weak; jealousy you have to earn." - Arnold Schwarzenegger

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"Luck? If the roof fell in and Diz (Dean) was sitting in the middle of the room, everybody else would be buried and a gumdrop would fall in his mouth." -Leo Durocher

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"Win any way you can as long as you can get away with it." -Leo Durocher

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Muhammed Ali: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. His hands can't hit what his eyes can't see. Now you see me, now you don't. George thinks he will, but I know he won't."

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Rep. Lacy Clay (D-Mo.) piped up: “Mr. President, did that make you a Cardinals fan?” When the world champion St. Louis Cardinals visited the White House

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Pitchers, like poets, are born not made. -- Cy Young

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Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David. -- Shug Jordan

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I've never known anyone so loyal. If you are Larry Bird's teammate, you are one of the most important people in the world to him. -- Kevin McHale

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The designated hitter rule is like letting someone else take Wilt Chamberlain's free throws. ~Rick Wise

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Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the house in blackjack. ~Adam Morrow

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What are we at the park for except to win? I'd trip my mother. I'd help her up, brush her off, tell her I'm sorry. But mother don't make it to third. ~Leo Durocher

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It's a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen baseball fan it's when you discover that your wife left you in May.

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"When you mail Ichiro something from the States, you only have to use that name on the address and he gets it (in Japan). He's that big." - Ichiro Suzuki's Agent Tony Attanasio

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"When Ichiro steps into the batter's box, no one—the pitcher, the shortstop, the fans, even his teammates—has any idea what he is planning... He may be the Madonna of baseball, reinventing himself periodically to keep people guessing." - Baseball Digest

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: amathus.net

SPORTS QUOTES

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.... I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.
Dave Barry

It's easy to see golf not as a game at all but as some whey-faced, nineteenth-century Presbyterian minister's fever dream of exorcism achieved through ritual and self-mortification.
Bruce McCall

Prize fighters can sometimes read and write when they start - but they can't when they finish.
Martin H. Fischer

People understand contests. You take a bunch of kids throwing rocks at random and people look askance, but if you go and hold a rock-throwing contest - people understand that.
Don Murray