FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: workinghumor.com

BASKETBALL QUOTES

Humorous Quotes attributed to Al McGuire 1928-2001, American Basketball Coach
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A team should be an extension of a coach's personality. My teams are arrogant and obnoxious.
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All love affairs end. Eventually the girl is gonna put curlers in her hair.
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Don't call me son unless you're going to include me in your will. I come from New York where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by your wallet.
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I don't discuss basketball. I dictate basketball.
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I stayed in the league (NBA) three years by diving over press tables and starting fights.
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I think the world is run by C students.
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I'm an Einstein of the streets and an Oxford scholar of common sense.
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We rush for the stars as we crawl toward our graves.
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When I was losing, they called me nuts. When I was winning they called me eccentric.
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Winning is only important in war and surgery.
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You cannot have a bland feeling about me. Either I'm a showboating son of a bitch or I'm the darling that everyone picks on.
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You know what pressure is? It's when the cheerleaders are jumping and you don't notice their breasts.

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: workinghumor.com

GOLF QUOTES

Humorous Quotes attributed to Arnold Palmer 1929- , American Golfer

Bob Jones, my first golf hero, once commented that he never learned anything from a golf tournament he won. ~ A Golfer's Life
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Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated. He (Sam Snead) was at heart a big old country boy who loved golf and had a zest for life, swallowing it in gulps (especially if someone else was buying the beer)... ~ A Golfer's Life
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I began my day as I always do, by exercising and then downing a quart of water as my grandmother used to do in order to get the plumbing properly functioning. ~ A Golfer's Life
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I remember how hard he tried that day, and how errant some of his shots were. But that’s Gerald Ford, as golfer and president. ~ A Golfer's Life
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I try to play every day, and when I don't play - if you'll pardon the expression - I feel like a bear with a sore tail because of it. ~ A Golfer's Life
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I used the engine’s thrust to regain control of the plane and brought her to a halt in the face of a snowbank at the end of the runway. The plane sustained negligible physical damage. I wish I could say the same thing for the pilot’s ego. ~ A Golfer's Life
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I'm happy to report that he (President Clinton) also has a deft sense of humor, which is definitely what you need if you plan to stay sane while playing golf or, I suspect, serving as president. ~ A Golfer's Life
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In those days, it was kind of a running joke that the trajectory of my tee shots was so low you could always tell when Arnold Palmer had been on the tee – the grass in front of it was scorched by the ball. ~ A Golfer's Life
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It is a rare and difficult attainment to grow old gracefully and happily. It’s pretty widely known that I will talk to just about anybody who happens to be breathing. Especially fans and paying customers. ~ A Golfer's Life
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I've learned the great value of diplomacy and seeking an honorable peace. But part of that wisdom is knowing when to fight and another part is knowing when to fight even harder. ~ A Golfer's Life
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Jack (Nicklaus) navigates more by brain. I go more by heart. Intellect versus instinct. Jack versus Arnie. ~ A Golfer's Life
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Obviously they didn’t know Job Gibbs. The man has a southern preacher’s charms and a mongoose’s tenacity. ~ A Golfer's Life
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President Clinton nearly brought tears to my eyes when he remarked at the presentation that one reason he wanted to be president was for the “perks” – and that presenting the award to Arnold Palmer was one of the biggest perks of his career. ~ A Golfer's Life
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President Eisenhower, as it turned out, swung a golf club with great conviction, if not tremendous dexterity. ~ A Golfer's Life
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Sam Snead will fly anywhere in my plane with me. Sam's not as worried about the danger as he is about saving money. Sometimes, as the saying in golf goes, it’s better to be lucky than good, and at the Masters of 1962, I think I was a little bit of both. ~ A Golfer's Life
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The conventional view is that Oakmont was an Open I should have won because I was the better player at the time. Well, “should have” and “did” may be neighbors, but they don’t always get along. ~ A Golfer's Life
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There is simply no experience in golf quite like being part of your first Ryder Cup opening ceremony, unless perhaps it’s the closing ceremonies after your side has won. ~ A Golfer's Life
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There’s no feeling quite as satisfying as entering the media room to face the press after winning a big golf tournament - or, at the other end of the spectrum, as potentially painful when you've blown it. ~ A Golfer's Life
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Timing is everything in life and in golf. ~ A Golfer's Life

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: associatedcontent.com

BODYBUILDING QUOTES

Quotes by Arnold S.

Bodybuilding is much like any other sport. To be successful, you must dedicate yourself 100% to your training, diet and mental approach.

Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer.

I know a lot of athletes and models are written off as just bodies. I never felt used for my body.

When I was 15-years-old, I took off my clothes and looked in the mirror. When I stared at myself naked, I realized that to be perfectly proportioned I would need twenty-inch arms to match the rest of me.

The worst thing I can be is the same as everybody else. I hate that.

I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun.

My body is like breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I don't think about it, I just have it.

It's simple. If it jiggles, it's fat.

I knew I was a winner back in the late sixties. I knew I was destined for great things. People will say that kind of thinking is totally immodest. I agree. Modesty is not a word that applies to me in any way. I hope it never will.

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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: cbass.com

MR. WEIGHTLIFTING: Norbert Schemansky

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WEIGHTLIFTING QUOTES

Track and Field

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No one fits that mold better than national, world and Olympic champion Norbert Schemansky. He set an amazing 75 national, world and Olympic records, while winning nine national and four world championships--and four Olympic medals in four Olympic Games.

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Bak writes in the Introduction: “What Muhammad Ali and Joe Louis are to boxing, what John Grimek and Arnold Schwarzenegger mean to bodybuilding, and what Gordie Howe and Wayne Gretzky represent in hockey, Norbert Schemansky is to Olympic weightlifting.”

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In 2005, on the occasion of its 100-year anniversary, the International Weightlifting Federation recognized Schemansky (along with Tommy Kono) as “Best Weightlifter of 100 Years.” Bak says that Schemansky is "History's greatest heavyweight lifter." On a pound-for-pound basis he was unbeatable.
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Wicked Wit
Bak devotes the better part of one chapter to some stories showcasing Norb's understated, clever, dry wit. Here are several that I especially enjoyed.

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The first story comes from Tommy Kono, who had just won the 1954 Mr. World, a physique contest held in conjunction with the world weightlifting championship. "Norb came over to congratulate me. As he was shaking my hand he was weaving his head around and around, as if to say, 'It's a small world.'" Laughing hard at the memory, Kono added: "That's the kind of humor he had."

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Lou Riecke tells about checking into the Los Angeles YMCA. with Norb. This was back in the '60s, when the Black Panthers were in the news. "The clerk at the counter handed us some forms to fill out. So we fill them out and the clerk looks at Schemansky and says, 'You didn't fill in your religion. What's your religion?' Norb's got the blonde hair and blue eyes. He looks back at him as deadpanned as he can and says, 'Black Muslim.'.....It took [the clerk] a few seconds to realize Norb was kidding."

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The next story is also from Lou Riecke. They were at the Tokyo Olympics. "A little Japanese guy comes up to us with some postcards," Riecke recalled. "Schemansky...asked how much. The guy says, 'Six dollars each.' Schemansky says, 'I'll give you two dollars.' The guy says, 'Oh no, six dollars.' So Norb throws up his hands and starts yelling, 'Police! Police!' The guy goes, 'Okay, okay, two dollars.' Norb didn't want them. He was just pulling the guy's leg."

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The last one is a classic; I've heard it before. It happened during a car ride one evening in Detroit in 1958 on the occasion of the U.S.-Soviet match. It's told by Charles Fraser, who was in the backseat sandwiched between Schemansky and big Jim Bradford. Bob Hoffman and some other lifters were also in the car. Fraser, then a student at Michigan State, spoke Russian and had helped with translation back stage. They drove by Briggs Stadium (note the name, Briggs), where the Detroit Tigers and the St. Louis cardinals were playing.

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"Looking to make conversation, Fraser brought up the the name of Cardinals star Stan Musial. Norb, slightly grumpy over his convalescing back, threadbare finances, and lack of renown, was in no mood to discuss one of the most beloved and well-paid athletes in the country. 'Yeah?' he grunted. 'So what?'

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"'Well, uh,' Fraser carefully responded, 'he's a great ballplayer. You know, a great athlete.'
"'Yeah?' Norb shot back. 'How much can he press?'

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"There was a moment of silence, followed by an explosion of laughter. Everybody in the car was howling, except Norb, whom Fraser noted always made his wisecracks funnier by maintaining a stony face.

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"'Good old Norb,' Fraser reflected. 'He made you proud to be a weightlifter in three ways. By how he looked, by how he lifted a barbell--and by his outspoken pride in his chosen sport.'"

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: fitstep.com

Image: blogs.citypages.com

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FITNESS AND NUTRITION HUMOR

The Great Big List of Calorie-Free Foods

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Ever wish there were foods you could eat that didn't contain any calories? Wish no longer. These foods can be eaten guilt-free.

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It's a little known fact (or in most cases, wishful thinking) that some foods can, in certain situations, go from being fattening no-no's to being totally calorie-free simply by mangling your perspective. Here's a list of those foods and situations.

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1. Anything sampled when preparing food - If you're taste-testing, those tastes are calorie-free. If you're cooking for someone else and aren't going to be having any yourself, those tastes actually have negative calories and can help you lose weight.

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2. Anything eaten off someone else's plate doesn't count. If you can get it when they're not looking, that's negative calories again.

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3. Food "rescued" from the floor - When the "3 second rule" is in effect (i.e. it's still good if it's only been on the floor 3 seconds or less), that snack has zero calories. Plus, if you have to race your dog to it and you win, you're allowed another bite from the original undropped item for free.

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4. Out of necessity, food that is eaten on the day of the expiration date has no calories. After all, we don't want that triple-chocolate fudge cake to go to waist... I mean waste.

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5. Anything eaten on your birthday, a friend's birthday or a family member's birthday has no calories. This includes family and friends whom you haven't spoken to or mentioned in years.

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6. Foods that you've never tasted before are calorie free. If you don't recognize it, eat it guilt-free. If you can't even pronounce the name, that's negative calories.

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7. If you live in an Italian family, your fifth and sixth helpings are calorie-free. Besides, "You're too skinny, you need to eat more."

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8. The calories of any leftover foods will be added to the total of the day you originally started eating them on. This means the calories from the leftover pie you eat on Wednesday only count on Tuesday, the day you originally started the pie. And who cares about yesterday?

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9. If you can eat it through a straw, it has no calories. For example, if you can get a piece of spaghetti through a straw, you deserve it.

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10. Anything that contains the word "free" in it has to be calorie-free because advertisers would never lie or try to sell you a product that would make you fat. This principle also applies to the words "lite" and "reduced."

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11. The last item or bite on any plate has no calories. For instance, the last cookie? No calories. The last slice of pizza? No calories. The last box of donuts? No calories.

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If you put all of these calorie-free foods into your diet, you will have great success in watching your waistline - it will be way out in front of you where you can see it!

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: fitstep.com

Image: blogs.citypages.com
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FITNESS AND EXERCISE HUMOR

Cracked Up Glossary Of Common Gym Terms

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You've been to gym and have heard the lingo. Now learn the REAL definitions of what you've been hearing.

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If you've ever had occasion to visit a gym, you've no doubt heard people talking about "feeling the burn" and "pumping up." But did you ever wonder what people were really saying? Here are some common terms and phrases that will help you to learn what is really going on in the gym.

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1. In The Zone - Tired and incoherent during a workout. Commonly described out of the gym as "spaced out."

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2. Extended Warm-Up - 20 minutes at low tension on the stationary bike then 20 minutes of casual stretching thena shower.

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3. "Just One More Rep" - Said to a spotter during a set. Really means: "Lift the weight for me."

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4. Forced Reps - For the reluctant exerciser, every single rep of a workout is a forced rep. This is especially true when they have a mean trainer.

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5. Hack Squat - The position a cat gets into when he's coughing up a hairball, commonly mistaken as a leg exercise.

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6. "Can I work in with you?" - Translation: "Can I remove all your weights and sweat all over your bench?"

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7. Drop Sets - What sometimes happens after doing a hard set of dumbell bench presses. A triple drop set occurs when you drop two dumbells and yourself to the floor.

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8. Bulking Up - Name for the phase during which an otherwise healthy trainer will try to get bigger and fatter on purpose.

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9. "I'm maxing out" - Translation: "I was going for 6 reps but I put too much weight on the bar and only got 1."

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10. Cool-down - Sit on a bench and drink from a water bottle while talking about how much more you'll lift next time.

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11. Olympic Bar - Athlete's nightclub.

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12. E-Z Bar - "How dare you! I'm not that type of bar."

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13. Squat rack - The lonliest piece of equipment in the gym.

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14. "It's all you!" - Said by spotter during the last few reps of a set. Translatation: "It's mostly me."

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15. Pro-hormones - Hormones that have lost their amateur status.

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16. Meal Replacement Supplement - Cold pizza and warm beer.

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17. Clean and Press - Surprisingly enough, it's a shoulder exercise, not laundry instructions. A variation of it is even known as the Hang Clean and Press.

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18. High Intensity Interval Training - Occurs when there are two or more flights of stairs leading up to the gym.

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19. Skullcrushers - An exercise where you make like you're going to bash your own head in with a barbell, a.k.a. lying tricep extensions.

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20. "Hold the contraction at the top and squeeze for 10 seconds" - Said by a personal trainer when he or she wants to punish the client for missing a session.

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Now that you've got an idea of what is being said at the gym, you'll be able to converse comfortably with the natives. You will be completely understood in any gym in the world when you walk in and say "I just did two sets of high intensity intervals and now I'm ready for some forced reps" or "I'm taking a lot of meal replacement supplements because I'm bulking up."

FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES \ Source: braggingrightscorner.com

Image: static.boxrec.com

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BOXING QUOTES

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QUOTE #1 is by former WBA Heavyweight champion John Tate:

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"This comeback is my burning desire, I want that little midget Tyson, no-body who fights him takes the aggressive attitude that he does, I'd go in there with exactly the same attitude that he does, Hell yeah!" ... John speaking less than 24 hours before getting a good thrashing from little known British heavyweight Noel Quarless.

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QUOTE #2 is from WBA heavyweight champion James 'Bone Crusher' Smith, on his upcoming fight with dangerous WBC champion Mike Tyson:

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"I am gonna fight nasty; it's gonna be a great fight, a bang- bang good one and someone is gonna go to sleep." ... James was exactly right; he was nasty and someone did go to sleep, almost everyone who tuned in was put to sleep.

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QUOTE #3 is from Larry Holmes telling it just how it is, following a bitter split with his long time trainer Ritchie Giachetti:

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"Damn, I paid that man $1.5 million which really is good money for someone who, pours water, puts in my mouthpiece and shouts TIME." ... Good to see Ritchie was appreciated.

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QUOTE #4, a 19 year old Michael Tyson talking about the struggles of being a clean living professional boxer:

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"It's while I am in training that I actually start to hate fellers my own age. They are runnin round havin fun while I am living like a monk." ... Now when was the last time you put Tyson and the word monk in the same breath?

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QUOTE #5. A bleeding Marvin Hagler a few minutes before KO'ing Thomas Hearns, replying to referee Richard Steele when asked if he could still see Thomas Hearns?

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"I'm not missing him am I?"
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QUOTE #6. Randy Smith, a middleweight contender taunting opponent Mike Olajide. Smith:

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"You have knockouts, you musta fought bums." Olajide's reply after beating the devil out of Smith..."Bums, yeah I just beat one tonight."

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Quote #7. An exchange between cornermen at an Irish championship event...

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"Throw in the towel dammitt..."There ain't no towel... " Then throw in the sponge..."...But there ain't no sponge either..."Then throw in the F---king bucket!"

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Quote #8. Tony Tubbs talking about his preparations for his date with Mike Tyson, on the day he weighed in at a whopping 250 lbs. + of jello like lard.

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"I've been eating, sleeping and drinking Mike Tyson." ... Yes, Mr Tubbs, you certainly have!!

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Quote #9. Tony Tubbs answer to the question, which of Mike Tyson's punches did the most damage, following his two round KO defeat.

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"Which one? The one with the baseball bat."

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Quote #10. Frank 'The Animal' Fletcher, when asked if he knew where he was after Juan Domingo Roldan knocked him out. (Caesars Palace)

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"Yeah man, I am in the Sands Hotel."

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Quote #11. Light heavyweight Chris Finnegan describing Bob Foster's jab, in a post fight interview.

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"Imagine being hit by a scaffolding pole with a boxing glove on the end of it."

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Quote #12. Donald King talking about Bob Arum and money...

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"Me and Arum are reasonable men when it comes to money, we take our separate bags of money to separate banks and then it's, You're a son of a bitch, and You're a son of a bitch, damn man, we are both two rich sons of bitches."

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Quote #13. Heavyweight Randall Tex Cobb, discussing his durability and his record.

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"I was only knocked out once, by a Mexican bantamweight, you wanna know how come? Six of my pals were swinging him 'round by his heels at the time.."

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One last parting comment from Tex Cobb, on the subject of why he doesn't wanna retire...

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"I'll do anything to keep from working for a living, if I've gotta fight a circus bear, then let's get the drawers on him and get it on!!"